I've been in this spiraling relationship for a year and a half. I moved away from home at 17 to go to a really good music school. When I moved here a year and a half ago I was almost desperate to finally have the chance to date and have a boyfriend.
My current boyfriend was not my first but close to it, I dated a bit until I found him and he seemed perfect and different than all the rest. At first everything was wonderful and after months passed it started to spin out of control. He started to chat with other women online, asking them for nudes and talking about sex. He was talking to his ex behind my back, exchanging nude photos and telling her he loved her etc. I eventually made an account on one of the dating sites pretending to be a girl and he fell for it and I caught him, when he found out he was caught he blamed everything on me, from being a crappy girlfriend to trying to sneak around tricking him. Every time he betrayed me he would sit there and tell me that it was my fault, he just could see the pain he caused me no matter how many tears I shed. now I am not trying to put myself on a pedestal because I have many flaws, but I treat him like a king, I give him whatever he wants and I have done everything I can to change to make him happy! I am very sensitive and sweet so even a small put down can upset me greatly, so imagine how bad this screwed me up!
We broke up for a month and he came back promising he would change for me because I am worth it. I took him back and believed him, he seemed changed he would sit next to my bed in the hospital telling me I'm beautiful and amazing ( I was in the hospital because I have gallstones but they couldn't figure it out so I had to stay a lot til they found the source of my pain). I began to trust him again... Until last night, he opened his phone while we were cuddling and I saw a message from a girl named Angie. I had never heard of her before so I asked who she was and he said a friend he went to high school with, I asked for him to read me the messages between them so he did. It turns out he has had her over to his apartment many times without me knowing, all of which when I was away in my hometown getting surgery. After I got back from being away for a week I asked if he would like to see me and he say no and made plans with this girl instead. I felt awful seeing this, it was like the past was coming back! I also find out that he has a crush on one of his best friends, when he was planning on moving out of his mom's house he made plans to move in with her to a one bedroom apartment where they would sleep in the same bed every night... He takes her out for dinner all the time and brings her roses, to make matters worse he never does that it me anymore and he tells her mean things about me.
All this has made me depressed, I'm already on medical leave from school and now I feel so alone and crushed. I have been laying in bed for two days straight being sick and upset. I feel like a worthless piece I nothing, and I know my first step is leaving him, I just can't, because I have fallen in love with this jerk!
How do I find the strength to get up and leave?