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I Can't Find the Strength to Leave My Boyfriend

"I Can't Find the Strength to Leave My Terrible Boyfriend"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been in this spiraling relationship for a year and a half. I moved away from home at 17 to go to a really good music school. When I moved here a year and a half ago I was almost desperate to finally have the chance to date and have a boyfriend.

My current boyfriend was not my first but close to it, I dated a bit until I found him and he seemed perfect and different than all the rest. At first everything was wonderful and after months passed it started to spin out of control. He started to chat with other women online, asking them for nudes and talking about sex. He was talking to his ex behind my back, exchanging nude photos and telling her he loved her etc. I eventually made an account on one of the dating sites pretending to be a girl and he fell for it and I caught him, when he found out he was caught he blamed everything on me, from being a crappy girlfriend to trying to sneak around tricking him. Every time he betrayed me he would sit there and tell me that it was my fault, he just could see the pain he caused me no matter how many tears I shed. now I am not trying to put myself on a pedestal because I have many flaws, but I treat him like a king, I give him whatever he wants and I have done everything I can to change to make him happy! I am very sensitive and sweet so even a small put down can upset me greatly, so imagine how bad this screwed me up!

We broke up for a month and he came back promising he would change for me because I am worth it. I took him back and believed him, he seemed changed he would sit next to my bed in the hospital telling me I'm beautiful and amazing ( I was in the hospital because I have gallstones but they couldn't figure it out so I had to stay a lot til they found the source of my pain). I began to trust him again... Until last night, he opened his phone while we were cuddling and I saw a message from a girl named Angie. I had never heard of her before so I asked who she was and he said a friend he went to high school with, I asked for him to read me the messages between them so he did. It turns out he has had her over to his apartment many times without me knowing, all of which when I was away in my hometown getting surgery. After I got back from being away for a week I asked if he would like to see me and he say no and made plans with this girl instead. I felt awful seeing this, it was like the past was coming back! I also find out that he has a crush on one of his best friends, when he was planning on moving out of his mom's house he made plans to move in with her to a one bedroom apartment where they would sleep in the same bed every night... He takes her out for dinner all the time and brings her roses, to make matters worse he never does that it me anymore and he tells her mean things about me.

All this has made me depressed, I'm already on medical leave from school and now I feel so alone and crushed. I have been laying in bed for two days straight being sick and upset. I feel like a worthless piece I nothing, and I know my first step is leaving him, I just can't, because I have fallen in love with this jerk!

How do I find the strength to get up and leave?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

Image Source: Thinkstock
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LVL LVL 3 years
hi, i was in more or less the same situation. He is a useless excuse of a man, you will walk away from this and find someone much much better. I didn't think I would, but I did  and I realize that what I had before this was not love, it wasn't happiness, it was insecurity. I was just scared that I wouldn't be able to be without this piece of trash. But I got out of it and getting an ugly monkey off your back is the wonderful-est feeling in the world!
remember-aurora remember-aurora 3 years
Wow. Did we have the same boyfriend? I was in the same place you are and I just broke up with him. Not too long after we got together he was texting his ex telling her how he loved her. Then he went home for Christmas and slept with some ugly girls he knew from high school. Then he was on Craigslist posting pictures of his penis and trying to sleep with women who look like overweight Liza minelli's. I don't know how but I managed to "forgive" these mistakes he made. He was an alcoholic and a "sex addict" (addicted to sex.... Just not with me. Makes sense right?!). I was really messed up about it and found that it totally consumed my life. He got sober and I thought we were getting better. Everytime i felt bad or was worried he would blame me. It had taken a year for me to begin to trust him again. Buuuttttt I got my six sense that something was up. Hacked his email, sure enough he was back on Craigslist. Full frontals of him and emails about gang bangs and three ways with nasty old couples. I wasn't even hurt the second time. I was tired of dealing with him and being in a ridiculously abusive relationship (he was emotional and verbal, I was physical). I tried to leave him so many times but he was so manipulative he would pull me in over and over and over again. You have to ask yourself if you enjoy worrying about what he's doing, who he's with and why he treats you the way he does. If its a "no, but he..." you are lying to yourself and you don't deserve that. Little nice moments together are not greater than the pain he causes you overall. Cuddling and cute names are a hello kitty band aid on a gaping flesh wound. It doesn't make it better. You will find the strength to leave him. I promise. I'm not telling you it's not going to suck but it's worth it. You are worth SOO much more. It gets much better I promise. I've been loser free for almost 2 months. It feels f'cking great. I have a king sized bed to myself, starting running again, and I'm talking to cute boys with beards! He is now living in his car. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shames on you. Ditch this dude. Go out with your friends. Get into some therapy. Buy some cute dresses. Do it and don't look back!!!
steph1234 steph1234 3 years
To answer you question - You find the strength to get up and leave by deciding what you want out of life. #1 - Do you want happiness? If yes, then use that desire for happiness as motivation for what you will find one day. #2 - Do you think you deserve to be treated better? If yes, then use that pride as a way to leave so you are not treated badly any more. #3 - Is this the only guy out there that will love you? No!!! and it's apparent this current guy doesn't love you by his actions. There is someone out there that is wonderful and will treat you wonderfully, but you can't find him, if your stuck in this horrible relationship. Hopefully those points will help you to find some self-worth and leave this situation. You are worth far more than this situation! I'm assuming from the timeline you gave that you're roughly 18/19 years old? WOW! You are way too young to be burdened down with such a horrible situation. Get out and have fun. Find hobbies, school, family, and friends to help you as you adapt to not being with him anymore.
chibros chibros 3 years
You're your strength, if you want to get up and leave, you can do it, just give yourself the opportunity to do so. Come on darling, the more you lay on that bed, the WORST the situation gets. Your headache and heartache will turn into migraine and heart pain, and worst more. Jump off the bed, play your favorite music (OMG you're in music school), dance while arranging your apartment and doing your things. Don't give your self a chance to think about him more than a minute when it comes to your mind. If it comes 100 times, forget it 100 times. Keep yourself busy, jump into the swimming pool, try playing hard acoustic and something challenging to you. Why would you be banging your head over a man-whore instead of being happy that you're finally vindicated??? You deserve a better person not such public dick that doesn't know what he wants. Most importantly, don't see him again, don't answer his call or sms no matter what he wants to tell, it will give you more strength to avoid him and move on. You drastically slide back to the beginning of all pain when you go against any of this important points. Believe me, you wouldn't want to heard more of his lies, sweet talk and manipulating voice, so drop that jerk.
Mandana85 Mandana85 3 years
OP; last night I bumped into my ex BF. I was dating him 9 years ago. he was my first and I was CRAZYYYY about him. when he dumped me I was miserable. I thought I was going to die. I lost 8 KGs in 6 weeks, missed my exams at school and basically turned into a walking dead. it took me a whole year to forget him only for him to come back a year later and lure me again and of course break my heart again. god knows how much I loved him and how much he hurt me. So yes I met him last night. he was more handsome, richer and a grown man. and guess what, when he tried forcefully to kiss me when he dropped me at my house, I was disgusted and I told him to back off. It felt like i was being raped. I was disgusted even by his touch, a simple hand shake. not because I hold grudge or still have feelings for him, I rarely even think of him anymore. it was because he has turned into this pathetic lady's man that I dont know what in the world I used to see in him. seriously, it was like we were from two different worlds!!! thank God he dumped me! or I would have stuck to his side and probabely be married by now!!! I just cant imagine being married to such person! so my point is, yes it hurts now. it hurts like hell. but one day you would hate your self for even having a doubt for leaving such man. one day, just as I did, you would see nothing in common with this guy. this will not kill you. and it will pass. Good Luck ;)
henna-red henna-red 3 years
bY the way, the answer to how do you get up and walk away is that you learn to value yourself. To demand a high standard for yourself and everyone you allow into your life, and then you don't lower that standard for a some pretty blue eyes and a sweet line.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
Nice line, Bubbles! The phrase in the pagan community, adopted from native cultures, is to Walk your Talk. Words mean little when they're not baked up with action. And when words and action are different, then words mean nothing! And that's when you stop listening. Those sweet words are only lies, proven over and over again. Put that crappy feeling right where it belongs, with the lier, and then, as Bubbles says, cut yourself a break. Forgive yourself for the choosing to give yourself to someone who is unworthy. Cast him off like he's lint, some frayed, threadbare piece of detritus that got stuck to your sweater and you keep trying to pull it off and throw it away, but that static cling just keeps pulling it back up. Pluck it off, put it in the trash, pull the bag closed, and take it out to the curb. Be done. You don't need to walk around with lint on your sweater, and you don't need to walk around feeling badly or feel self conscious about other people seeing you with lint on your sweater, because we all get lint some time. Clean out the dryer, and start again. It's time to learn to walk your own talk, op. Be kind to yourself, be sweet with yourself, wish him a happy life far away from you, and then get out there and discover the meaning of "living well is the best revenge." and a little hagen daz wouldn't hurt, either. take care
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
We women have the weirdest machismo. Laugh at men's egos but look at what we do to prove to us and the world our love is the best, ultimately unbreakable force in (t)his universe! He may be in the forcefield of another woman but nooooooo! My love will conquer. We're nuts! Truly. You have lots of company. Detaching is painful, feels unfair. Love songs on the radio are all for you when they're just songs. No way around it, just through it to eventually have the feelings fade away. Or you could marry him, play this third wheel dynamic til one of you dies or leaves. Take a look around. Most women over the age of 25 have run the Detachment Gauntlet and survived, even thrived. You really will too. Girl up and pain on through!
Serene18 Serene18 3 years
Once you become Immuned to saying fuck it! I promise it will come easy, this is just a test for you. Its never easy, that's false advertisement. Always respect yourself because if you don't no man will or want to have a relationship with that type of woman. I don't encourage anyone to break up and get back together, it is nothing but space and opportunity for that person, which is why I don't believe in breaks. If we separate, then its for good. Its called a break up for a reason because it's broken and if it gets to being half way fixed old problems still arise. First and foremost he is disrespectful, I don't need to say why. Leave him at the end of the days he's the one thats missed out because remember YOU ARE THE PRIZE. Do not ever give a man the satisfaction of feeling like he can come crawling back into your bed and in your life like nothing has changed and you forgive him that easy by saying 'ok", they LOVE that. The feeling to feel like they are in control and can come flocking back whenever they get a tingle. It doesn't work like that and people don't change overnight. Good Luck with this one
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