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I Caught My Friends Talking About Me Behind My Back

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating a guy I love for about a year. We have had a pretty rocky past, a lot of fighting, he cheated on me, etc. but we have since worked through everything and I am giving him another chance. I know some of my friends are not his biggest fans because of how he has hurt me, but they know I love him and I have always thought they were happy for me.

Last night I was on the bus reading a magazine, totally in my own zone, and heard my name from two familiar voices. I looked through the crowd and saw two good friends of mine completely talking trash about my relationship with my boyfriend! I was so taken aback by what they were saying I just sat tight and listened. They talked about my boyfriend like he was the worst human being on earth and how I just sit back and let him walk all over me when in fact that isn't the case at all.

Not only am I crushed that my friends talked so badly about me behind my back, but they discussed my personal private life on a bus where who only knows heard. They didn't see me and have no idea I overheard them so what should I do? I want to make them feel as bad as they made me feel. Irate Izzie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Irate Izzie
Wow, you certainly caught them red handed didn't you? I am sorry you heard what you did, but perhaps it will be a blessing in disguise in the long run. Did you know how your friends felt about you taking back your boyfriend? Are they open about their concerns? Are you happy with your relationship after getting back together or are you still calling them to vent?

Sometimes girlfriends can be overly protective when a man has treated their pals poorly. You confide in them and tell them how your boyfriend has hurt you so it is not surprising that they are still holding a grudge. With that said, it doesn't excuse their catty behavior by trash talking your private matters behind your back. As much as you want to get even, the guilt they will feel after you tell them you were on that same bus would be payback enough.

Girls talk, it is the nature of the beast, and you have every right to be furious. There is no way for them to make an excuse so allow them to be honest with you about their feelings. You have the power to do with that information as you please and as long as you feel safe and secure in your relationship, that's all that matters. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but there is a time and a place for those opinions to be discussed. I hope your friendships can be worked out. Good luck.

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Daisy6264 Daisy6264 9 years
I would say she's not a real friend. Real friends can tell you, and not the world what the problem is.
Jinx Jinx 9 years
Keep your head up and don't worry about it. I'm surprised, you're surprised that your female friends talk behind your back. get used to it.------------------------------------------------------Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. — Albert Einstein
Jinx Jinx 9 years
Keep your head up and don't worry about it. I'm surprised, you're surprised that your female friends talk behind your back. get used to it. ------------------------------------------------------ Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. — Albert Einstein
rustedwings rustedwings 9 years
Hey There! I agree with most of the above but wanted to add one thing, when you're going therough hard times with your partner you tend to confide in your friends about it more frequently, and with greater emotion and detail than you do the happy and normal times in a relationship. Make sure that you report those times to them too, and know that while it may be hurtful you would be worried about them if they were in your situation. Be forgiving if you can!
rustedwings rustedwings 9 years
Hey There! I agree with most of the above but wanted to add one thing, when you're going therough hard times with your partner you tend to confide in your friends about it more frequently, and with greater emotion and detail than you do the happy and normal times in a relationship. Make sure that you report those times to them too, and know that while it may be hurtful you would be worried about them if they were in your situation. Be forgiving if you can!
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
I would tell them that you overheard them in the bus and let them tell you how they feel and explain why you think you do not always let him walk all over you and how you want them to give him another chance, but do not expect much since as pop said they are not there for the make up or the good stuff and only see the arguing and when you vent. I would not feel betrayed by them since they are only venting about feeling worried for you. Yes, it is true that they should have told you but maybe they have tried and you have been less than receptive. Good luck in your relationship and with your friends.
Bonne Bonne 9 years
If they're good friends, then they know you better than you know yourself. Talk to them about what they said and listen. Let them know what you feel, but also understand that they care about you too.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Oh boy, if all of my friends had been flies on the wall hearing me dish about their relationships...The thing is, you really can't just tell your friends if they aren't in good relationships. If you do, the friend will get angry and defensive, and you stand a pretty good chance of losing that friend. There have been a million times I knew a relationship wasn't going to work out TWO weeks into it, and a YEAR later, they break up! Love is blind and you have to let people figure out their relationship mistakes on their own.Your friends are just venting how they feel, without going directly to you. I'm sure it hurt to hear how they really feel. That kind of honesty is rare. Whether you will value what they are saying depends on how much you trust them, how good of friends they are, etc. I don't know about approaching them. I guess I'd just try not to put them on the defensive. Say something like: "I heard you guys on the bus and it hurt my feelings. I understand that you are just looking out for me but it was still hurtful."
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Oh boy, if all of my friends had been flies on the wall hearing me dish about their relationships... The thing is, you really can't just tell your friends if they aren't in good relationships. If you do, the friend will get angry and defensive, and you stand a pretty good chance of losing that friend. There have been a million times I knew a relationship wasn't going to work out TWO weeks into it, and a YEAR later, they break up! Love is blind and you have to let people figure out their relationship mistakes on their own. Your friends are just venting how they feel, without going directly to you. I'm sure it hurt to hear how they really feel. That kind of honesty is rare. Whether you will value what they are saying depends on how much you trust them, how good of friends they are, etc. I don't know about approaching them. I guess I'd just try not to put them on the defensive. Say something like: "I heard you guys on the bus and it hurt my feelings. I understand that you are just looking out for me but it was still hurtful."
Pinkgirl88 Pinkgirl88 9 years
I really agree with most people here. Girls are always talking about their friends relationships, when they are worried about their friend. I think that they care about you- even if you think that they are misguided know they probably come from a good place. When you vent to your girlfriends about a fight that you are having with your boyfriend, usually that's all they get-- they aren't there for the make up, apology, and fun stuff that come after :). And if you have been cheated on i am sure that they are just worried about you. TINA!
Pinkgirl88 Pinkgirl88 9 years
I really agree with most people here. Girls are always talking about their friends relationships, when they are worried about their friend. I think that they care about you- even if you think that they are misguided know they probably come from a good place. When you vent to your girlfriends about a fight that you are having with your boyfriend, usually that's all they get-- they aren't there for the make up, apology, and fun stuff that come after :). And if you have been cheated on i am sure that they are just worried about you. TINA!
bfly1133 bfly1133 9 years
I think I am going to go out on a limb here and disagree with some of the comments here. While I do agree that people outside of a relationship can sometimes know better than the couple themselves, I don't think that is always the case. Her friends could be making a judgement based on the past only and not giving this guy a chance. I just don't think that is right. I also don't think that anyone should have cart blanche to attack another person. And it kind of sounds like they may have gone a little too far with their comments. I do, however, think she should truly listen to her friends because they could be seeing some major warning signs. If that is the case, she needs to kick him to the curb. I know that if I told my friends everything that went on with my husband, they might not be able to see anything but the negative. Sometimes we don't see everything in a relationship and we come to conclusions that aren't accurate. I don't know why I feel so strongly about this, but I do. Okay, let the pelting begin! :)
bfly1133 bfly1133 9 years
I think I am going to go out on a limb here and disagree with some of the comments here. While I do agree that people outside of a relationship can sometimes know better than the couple themselves, I don't think that is always the case. Her friends could be making a judgement based on the past only and not giving this guy a chance. I just don't think that is right. I also don't think that anyone should have cart blanche to attack another person. And it kind of sounds like they may have gone a little too far with their comments. I do, however, think she should truly listen to her friends because they could be seeing some major warning signs. If that is the case, she needs to kick him to the curb. I know that if I told my friends everything that went on with my husband, they might not be able to see anything but the negative. Sometimes we don't see everything in a relationship and we come to conclusions that aren't accurate.I don't know why I feel so strongly about this, but I do. Okay, let the pelting begin! :)
Marci Marci 9 years
It's always hurtful to find out anyone's talking about us - even though we shouldn't really be surprised that they do since we talk about other people as well. But I'm in agreement that they weren't saying anything really bad; but they don't like what they're seeing in relationship. And let's face it, if they ever tried to discuss it with you, you'd probably be defensive about it on some level. I know that would be my reaction. People from the outside looking in often have a better take on a relationship than the people in it. So the fact that good friends of yours are upset by it should tell you a lot. They care about you.
Marci Marci 9 years
It's always hurtful to find out anyone's talking about us - even though we shouldn't really be surprised that they do since we talk about other people as well. But I'm in agreement that they weren't saying anything really bad; but they don't like what they're seeing in relationship. And let's face it, if they ever tried to discuss it with you, you'd probably be defensive about it on some level.I know that would be my reaction. People from the outside looking in often have a better take on a relationship than the people in it. So the fact that good friends of yours are upset by it should tell you a lot. They care about you.
bfly1133 bfly1133 9 years
Oops, I forgot to put a smiley after my last sentence. So, I am adding it now. :)
bfly1133 bfly1133 9 years
First thing you need to do it talk to your friends. Let them know you overheard them on the bus and it was very hurtful. Then I think you need to have a very open and honest conversation with them. Ask them to explain their view of your relationship in a respectful manner. No name calling or trash talking. Listen to their responses and truly be open to hearing what they have to say. After they are done, you need to explain your side of the story. Tell your friends why you are giving this relationship a second chance. Ask them to respect your decision and to give your boyfriend another chance. Like grl and cuba said, it is hard to watch friends go through pain and heartbreak. However, I feel friends should be there for each other. I had a friend give a boyfriend a second chance. I told her I would be supportive, but if I thought things were getting bad again and she needed to hear it, I wouldn't hold back. (So far, so good.) You need to hear the truth from your friends, but I think they need to be more respectful and remember that they are biased.
bfly1133 bfly1133 9 years
First thing you need to do it talk to your friends. Let them know you overheard them on the bus and it was very hurtful. Then I think you need to have a very open and honest conversation with them. Ask them to explain their view of your relationship in a respectful manner. No name calling or trash talking. Listen to their responses and truly be open to hearing what they have to say. After they are done, you need to explain your side of the story. Tell your friends why you are giving this relationship a second chance. Ask them to respect your decision and to give your boyfriend another chance. Like grl and cuba said, it is hard to watch friends go through pain and heartbreak. However, I feel friends should be there for each other. I had a friend give a boyfriend a second chance. I told her I would be supportive, but if I thought things were getting bad again and she needed to hear it, I wouldn't hold back. (So far, so good.) You need to hear the truth from your friends, but I think they need to be more respectful and remember that they are biased.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
I agree with grl. It is so difficult and frustrating to watch a friend go back to someone that has hurt them in the past knowing it will be you that will pick up the pieces if and when things go bad. I am not saying that your relationship is doomed but you need to talk to them. Your boyfriend not only needs to win you back but he has to win back your friends and that is going to be 10 times harder.
yiddidea yiddidea 9 years
I agree with Dearsugar that trash talking is hurtful and you do have a right to be upset. However, put in perspective where their comments were coming from. If they didn't care about you they wouldn't be all upset about the way your boyfriend has treated you. Cheating is hard to forgive, even more for those who are not emotionally attached. They view him as the enemy and want you to stand up for yourself. So, while they shouldn't have been talking about you behind your back, at least they care enough to be all riled up....
yiddidea yiddidea 9 years
I agree with Dearsugar that trash talking is hurtful and you do have a right to be upset. However, put in perspective where their comments were coming from. If they didn't care about you they wouldn't be all upset about the way your boyfriend has treated you. Cheating is hard to forgive, even more for those who are not emotionally attached. They view him as the enemy and want you to stand up for yourself. So, while they shouldn't have been talking about you behind your back, at least they care enough to be all riled up....
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 9 years
I wouldn't worry about who heard them talking on the bus. I doubt the strangers on the bus care or even remember. As for your friends, Dear is right, they've seen you be hurt by this guy time and again, they've heard you tell them bad things about him, and I'm sure they just think you deserve someone better. They didn't say those things to your face because they didn't want to hurt your feelings and make you angry. Now that you have heard them maybe it's time to listen. Imagine any one of your good friends in a similar relationship to yours: would you want them to take back a cheat who argues and makes them feel badly about themselves? Probably not. Tell them the truth that you heard them talking and would appreciate them being more honest next time instead of telling you what they knew you wanted to hear. They'll probably be embarassed but will tell you it was because they care about YOU that they were trashing your cheating guy.
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