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I Don't Like My Boyfriend's Mom

"I Can't Stand My Boyfriend's Mother"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

They are attached at the hip. My boyfriend constantly complains about her all the time but he's like a momma's boy whenever they're together. It's annoying. They hug and dance and do weird things together, while I'm there. I also CAN'T stand when the mother tries to one up me- like telling me things as if I don't know. It sounds petty and crazy but I swear she does it. She wants to be better than me in a weird way. She wants to make sure that I know she knows him better. I want to get to know everything about him in time and on my own terms. Also, the other day we were talking and I was joking around and said "I am the princess! Wait no the queen!" And out of the blue, he says, "You'll have to talk to my mom about that one." It was very creepy. I am so annoyed about hearing how great his mother is at cooking too. Would he prefer to live with her his entire life? Sounds it. His mother controls every aspect of his life. He's 20 and has a curfew. The one night I had to stay over because the roads were bad, and he wouldn't even sneak over to the room I was sleeping in... I'm just sick of it all. I mean, I feel like his mother is always first and she purposely does things to make sure she's #1. Am I crazy here?

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nina111 nina111 3 years
All I can say is if he's not willing to consider your feeling you're better off, I know easier said then done, but I am can I am not just says this I've done it. I ended things with my Bf 2 days ago we were together for a little over a year. He did not set boundaries and he didn't care to consider my feelings so I am to do what was best for me and that's to move on. I loved him but I know his mother /family is holding him back and I am 30 years old I can't have a boyfriend I need a Man that can one day be my Husband, His mother was married with 3 additional kids and she would ask him who's 33 where he was , what time he's coming hom and why he hadn't called her even though she knows he's with me and they live together. I couldn't change him. and it was my job to change him.
SheIsSoFine SheIsSoFine 4 years
I agree with a lot of the advice that has been given so far. Unfortunately, it is true...if he still lives with her, there isn't much you can do about it. You have three options in this situation. You can try to get along with her a bit better, you can accept the fact that they have a close relationship, or you can find a new boyfriend. She will always be his mother. Since you didn't mention whether his father is around, is it safe to assume that his mom raised him by herself? Maybe this can explain why they have such a close relationship. I'm nearly 30 and I'm married, but my mom will always see me as being her little girl. This is what parents do sometimes. My mother isn't controlling but we do have a very close relationship. I feel for you but it sounds like you both have a bit of growing up to do. Your boyfriend will eventually need to be more independent and find a place of his own, while you need to let go of your desire to be more important than his mom. Again, she is his mother and it can be tough for some mothers to let go of their kids no matter how old they might be. Mothers tend to be protective of their sons, especially when a girl or woman is involved. I know it's annoying but that's the way it is. Maybe she feels threatened by you and wants to hold on to him, but I suggest that you try to warm up to her if you want this relationship to work. Try to get to know her better. You might find that even though she is a bit overbearing, she really isn't that bad...maybe a pain in the ass at times but not a bad person. You don't sound crazy, but there is some competition going on here. Have you tried talking to her or dropping hints? Maybe she is completely unaware that a third party sees her relationship with her son as being a little too close. What looks unhealthy to some people is "normal" to others. I hope it works out for you. @subliminalseduction...I feel your pain. My husband's parents are the sweetest people, but my ex-boyfriend had the mother from Hades. She was rude and racist. She would disrespect me whenever she would see me. She would make comments about my weight, my clothes, and the color of my skin all the time. She told people that I gave her son an STD (which wasn't true, he caught it from cheating on me). We broke up for several reasons but his mother was definitely a problem. I'm so thankful I don't have to deal with that anymore.
subliminalseduction subliminalseduction 4 years
It's great for a guy to be close to his mom, I agree with that. However, if you intend to have a long term relationship with the guy, something has to give here or you'll end up with her interfering long after he moves out. Some of the behaviors don't sound entirely normal, either. I split with a guy because his mother went through my phone while I was at work, accused me of cheating on him and interfered in our relationship so much she poisoned it. It wasn't him, but the fact that he never stood up to her or for me was painful and I knew that I would be subject to that treatment from her as long as he lived with her. She criticized every word I said and her religion led her to call me things like "witch" and "whore" on a weekly basis and let me know that in no uncertain terms she would not allow her son to be dragged into hell with me. When you experience treatment like that, it's very, very hard to maintain a relationship. It's great if he respects his mother, but if it gets in the way of your own respect there's an issue. Eventually he moved out and we ended up back together, he still has his time with her, I just don't tag along. It seems to have eased the tension. I would suggest letting him know that you're uncomfortable with always being second fiddle, that you appreciate that they have a close relationship and propose him moving out or you two spending time away from her.
steph1234 steph1234 4 years
Sounds to me like he's just close to his mom....and nothing is wrong with that...sounds like they may have a few inside jokes or whatever....you are the girlfriend...i.e. dispensible. His mom, she will never go away, she is his blood. Since he lives under her roof, he does have to abide by her rules. If he had a problem with them, he would probably have already moved out..since he is 20. Sounds to me like you are the one with the problem. Look at it this way...I've always heard you can tell how a guy will treat you by how he treats his mom....that may not be a bad thing in this case because it sounds like he is respectful and loyal. You do have to remember though, you are not his wife, and you do not come before his mom at this point. I applaud him for not wanting to disrespect his mom in her own house by sneaking in the room your in. Good for him! Finally a guy who doesn't always think with his lower regions! You should consider yourself lucky to have someone that respectful.
testadura67 testadura67 4 years
If he's living in her house, to an extent, he has to live by her rules which can include a curfew. However, their relationship does sound a tad, um, intimate? Considering he's 20, and that's the usual time when boys are becoming men by claiming their independence. Not having dance parties with their moms with their girlfriends on the sidelines. I guess the only thing to do is to talk to him about it. I'd suggest phrasing it that you want more one on one time with him, away from his mother. Or if the three of your are spending time together, it should be a planned thing, not you going over to spend time with him and his mom jumps in the middle of your evening. He needs to set boundaries with his mom, and you need to set boundaries with him. If the situation doesn't change, I'd move on if I were you. That sounds frustrating and just a tad creepy.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Finding that new relationship with your parents, adult to adult, can be hard for some. It sounds to me like he's in the middel of doing that. Griping to you about mom holding on too strong, and then enjoying mom as mom. I thing that a curfew for a 20 year old is nuts, that mom has some issues about letting her kid grow up, but that's for him to figure out. You can love him, support him, but you can't do that for him. He and his mom have to find their boundaries, make their boundaries on their own, because it's what they want and need to do. Either you can stay along for the ride, and see if he makes if they make it to grownup ville, or you can ditch. But whichever you choose, I agree with all of the above, don't compete with mom, it never pays. It's up to him to put the appropriate behaviors in place between the two of you, not you. You need to respond positively to his mom, she's his mom! His family. Ultimately, she's the one who's been teaching him to be a man. It's now up to him to decide what kind of man he's going to be, and if he stays dependent on mom's judgements or if he seizes the reins and depends on himself. good luck (Oh, and if I were you, I'd try to enjoy his mom's cooking, because good or bad, no one cooks like mom!)
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
She's poured her time and energy into that snot-nosed, poopy pants kid you never knew -- saving him from sticking his finger in a socket or running in the street -- for almost two decades. Now she doesn't want to move out of the spotlight because he's an actual fun almost adult to hang out with. Can you blame her for wanting some payback? Join in their stupid chicken dance and share him, you're the interloper in the situation not her so be gracious. Let her know more than you because she's probably does. Just come up with a stock phrase "Wow, did not know that" and use it every time she does that. Stop thinking about it. Stop competing with her, join in and you might find out you actually are having a good time. But don't marry him like this that would be nuts unless he showed he is going to grow into a separate life with her in it.
lcrox07 lcrox07 4 years
LOL! Sorry I found the part of them hugging and dancing hilarious. He sounds like a straight momma's boy to me. Yeah she might be competing with you deep down but that's just something you're gonna have to suck up to. They say that you can tell how a man will treat his wife or girlfriend by the way he treats his sisters and mother. So hey, at least you know he'll be attached to your hip as well. Good luck!
Mandana85 Mandana85 4 years
I strongly agree with Raynne about the "sneaking" into your room-thing. It is very Immature and teenage-like.
Raynne413 Raynne413 4 years
I don't find anything too annoying either. It sounds as if you are intimidated by her. Honestly, if I was staying at my boyfriend's parents house, I would kill him if he tried to "sneak" into my room. That is completely disrespectful. If you really feel this strongly about his mother, you need to end the relationship because she is ALWAYS going to be his Mumm and she is going to ALWAYS be there, and you don't need to make him feel as if he has to choose between the two of you.
chibros chibros 4 years
Well he is brought up in family first manner. Yeah it could be annoying sometime he would be mamma's boy and she takes most attention. Just let him be some cases. But if he compares you with his mum, like "How good his mom can cook". Just respond to him in a thankful and appreciating manner: "Owh thanks for comparing me and your mum, she's this age and i'm this, I might be a better cook by the time I'm in her age"
Mandana85 Mandana85 4 years
Like Kurni, I dont find anything weird in your situation. I think at your boyfriend's age it is quite normal to complain about your parents to your friends and neglectfully forget to mention how amazing they are and how much you love them. you don't need to read this as a sign that your BF is annoyed by his mother. and now, -that, I suppose you are a teenager or at your first half of twenties- you might not get it but believe me a guy who respects and loves a parent would be a very reliable man in the future. and plus, don't take it wrong when she tries to help you about knowing him. I understand that you'd want to get to know him by yourself, but don't you think she just loves her son so much as to want to actually help his girlfriend? and of course she knows him way better than you, there is no question in there! about calling her mother the queen and praising her cooking, well, my father is 70 years old, his mother is long gone and he still, to this very day calls her the queen of the family and almost cries when he remembers her cooking. it's just the family bond. don't get annoyed by it. try to understand, not to compete. you can never compete. you can be there at your own place: a queen, who gracefully acknowledges another queen's presence in a complete different kingdom!
kitty-Witty kitty-Witty 4 years
it sounds really annoying to me that why your bf's mother will compete with you? gf-bf relationship is something else and mother-son relationship is something else. each relationship should be at it's own place no one's to cross another. your bf's mom loves her son too much that's why may be she is acting like this. sometimes it happens. but your situation is really weird. she has allowed her son to be in a relationship with you so why not allowing you to take care of his son? why competing? can you please talk to your bf about this matter clearly and make him understand that you are uneasy with this situation. good luck
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
I don't know if you're nuts or not. But I'm trying to find something that stands out about her and him that will make them super weird. So far, he may be a momma's boy but nothing stands out so badly that I will urge you to run away far far away. I think by now you just can't stand her (dislike her) that every single thing she says or does will annoy you. He may even be joking around about the 'queen' comment and you'll take it so seriously, she may not even be trying to one-up you, but you will not give it the benefit of the doubt because your perception of her is already very negative. As per curfew and him actually obediently following it, I don't see anything wrong. I will enforce curfew to my kid if he's still living under my roof, yes, even if he's an adult. In fact, I sure hope my adult son will have his own place by the time he's an adult LOL. As for hugs and 'dancing around', what's wrong with mothers giving their kids hugs or physical gestures of affection as long as it's not sexual? I'm an adult with my own family and my parents still give hug 'bye' to me. Even to my adult brother. And my mother-in-law still hugs and kisses both of her sons..they're in their 40s! :D My husband until this day will praise his mother's cooking, gush about it. I also still praise/gush about my mother's, my mom happens to be an excellent cook! So that's not so weird, hon. I think part of the problems is your bf badmouth mom to you then he turns around acting like momma's boy after complaining at you. As his gf/sounding board, you're going to sympathize with your bf more, and you only hear the complaint. Plus you don't necessarily live with them 24/7, so you don't see how your bf prolly sometimes act not-so-nice toward mom (p.s. she does know your bf more than you know your bf, she's lived with him for 20 years...plus that 9 months and 10 days in her stomach). Ok, give this a try. Ask your bf to not complain about his mom anymore (keep it to themselves). Try to wipe the slate clean and get to know his mother a little bit. If she's still really overbearing, just be polite and keep your distance away from her and don't get into the middle of any arguments/issues those two have. You can't help fix him or any kinks if there's any between parents and children. And try having date outside the house so she won't be around. Go to your place if you guys want to have sexy time, there's nothing more a turn-off (imho) to have mom in the next room when you're trying to get busy. If you think this is a dealbreaker (his relationship with mom), you need to act quick. You're still young, you can date other guys too. :) Good luck!
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