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I Don't Want to Break Up

"I Don't Want to Break Up, but I Don't Know How to Stay Together"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have had a rocky relationship. When we met, he had just broken up with his long-term girlfriend and I was still in a relationship. I actually carried on a long-distance relationship with him and my LD boyfriend for four months before I finally broke up with my boyfriend. Needless to say, they both found out and the new bf dumped me. After talking through things, for about two weeks, he agreed to forgive me. But he wanted me to move (to another country) to live with him and be with him. I did . . . but I had trouble finding a job and since he was the only person I had to talk to most days, I felt confined and resentful. Worse, I checked his emails one night and found out he had been secretly meeting his ex, buying speakers with her, going to movies, etc. He even had emails in his draft folder telling her how much he missed her and how he was sure he wanted her back. I confronted him, and he said he was trying to maintain a friendship with her and that those were written at low points when he had doubts. He said he finally cut off all communication with her in December. I had to fly home for my grandmother's funeral and at this point I'm not sure when I will be back. Because of all the turmoil and craziness and because he thinks I can't forgive him, he said we should break up. Logically, that makes sense, and it might be easier for me to find a job here. But breaking up with him just feels WRONG. Despite everything, I feel like we should be together.

I know we have so many issues: trust, baggage from the last relationships, needing to communicate better. Do you think it's possible for two people to work through all that? Do you think it's even worth it? I haven't spoken to him in 24 hours and it already hurts like hell. I know if it's meant to be, we could take a break and see from there. But I just want him in my life.

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BiWife BiWife 4 years
Henna and Mary are right. You guys need to figure yourselves out before you cause each other any more heartache and pain. You've both had cheating behavior over the course of your relationship thus far - that's not a good sign. the addiction theory makes a lot of sense. Some symptoms of addiction include: Extreme mood changes – happy, sad, excited, anxious, etc Sleeping a lot more or less than usual, or at different times of day or night Changes in energy – unexpectedly and extremely tired or energetic Weight loss or weight gain Unexpected and persistent coughs or sniffles Seeming unwell at certain times, and better at other times Secretiveness Lying Stealing Financially unpredictable, perhaps having large amounts of cash at times but no money at all at other times Changes in social groups, new and unusual friends, odd cell-phone conversations now, not all of these necessarily apply to personal/relationship addiction (vs drug/alcohol), but if you're seeing some of these issues cropping up in your life, it's another warning sign that this is an unhealthy relationship that can not be repaired. Keep in mind, it's not always a bad thing to have two bf's at the same time, but the fact that you hid the guys from each other and were so secretive about it is a problem. If you want multiple people, everyone has to be on the same page and out in the open.
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
I think it's possible for people to work through such things, though I know I couldn't do it. I agree that you should stay put, take a break from each other and get your relationship into perspective. Don't hang on to something that isn't good for you. You deserve a man who can give you his whole heart. Right now you're sharing it with his ex. Find someone to talk to, whether it's your mom, your best friend, sibling, whoever. Pick someone you can trust, who won't just tell you what you want to hear, and pour your heart out to that person. I find that talking to someone who will listen and give valuable advice is the best way to make huge decisions. Good luck. Remember to take care of YOU and do what's best for you.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
I think you both need some time apart, and with no other in your lives to get you personal shit together. You've both had some really ugly behavior. This cheating thing is gross. And what you're describing, the feeling, sounds more like addiction and compulsion than a committed healthy relationship. Feels to me like you're afraid to be on your own, and you're very dependent on having someone in your life, under any circumstances. If you need to work on communication, then you now have a perfect opportunity. You have some physical distance, and the relationship now depends on talk. If I were you, I'd look at this distance and time as an opportunity to get some perspective, work on the communication, and for you each to work yourselves, and decide just what kind of relationship you want to have and how you will go about doing that. take good care
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