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I Don't Want to Be in Friend's Wedding

Group Therapy: I Don't Want to Be in Her Wedding

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm really at a loss here and could use some advice/suggestions. This girl I went to high school and college with is getting married and has asked me to stand in her wedding as a bridesmaid. I really don't want to do it, mostly because we don't have the kind of relationship where it makes any sense for her to have even asked me. Yes, we went to the same high school and college and had many classes together. That was really the extent of the "friendship." We never hung out after school or spent any time calling/emailing/texting each other. As far as I was concerned, we were more acquaintances than friends. Currently we're Facebook "friends" but I use that term loosely as all of her posts are hidden from my news feed.  I don't have her phone number or any contact info other than Facebook, which is the method she used to message me that she wanted me to stand in her wedding.  We rarely talk and I haven't seen her since I graduated from college seven years ago. She doesn't have many friends at all and has an incredibly small family, which I guess is why I was asked. 

She currently lives many, many states away from me (I'm in North Carolina and she's in Nebraska) and will be holding her shower, wedding and all other festivities in her current state. Knowing that travel would probably be an issue, she said she's only asking that I attend the ceremony itself and that she would help pay for some of my travel expenses. Even then, I live on a pretty tight budget and will be standing in the wedding of my best friend only a couple months beforehand, so it's very unlikely I can afford to do both (part of the travel expenses would still exclude the remaining travel and lodging, plus attire, plus gift). Also, my work schedule is pretty chaotic and doesn't allow for much time off, so that would pose a problem. I know I could use these things as excuses as to why I can't do it, but I feel like she will attempt to make concessions for me (that was pretty much spelled out in the Facebook message).

See the rest after the jump!

I've thought the best way to go would be to respond saying that I appreciate being asked but won't be able to do it, without offering any explanation. One of my other friends said this may be the time to be direct and tell her that she clearly thinks of our relationship differently than I do and that I don't feel comfortable being part of the ceremony. Yet another friend told me to cite my budget and work issues and leave it at that. Like I said, I'm at a loss here. How do I say thanks, but no thanks?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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macstars24 macstars24 5 years
Actually the thing I first thought of was, she obviously needs more people in her party to maybe match up with her fiancee's group. Not that she doesn't have any friends, like most of the comments. He may have a huge family, or something. At the same time, she may remember the poster as reliable and smart and dependable. Who knows. Anyway, I would still maybe send a gift if you do not plan on attending.
Trusting1 Trusting1 5 years
Rjs girl said it in the first answer. Don't explain, you don't need to. Just decline nicely. If she lived nearer, maybe - but it's too much hassle and your time is too valuable to spend so extravagantly on someone you barely know - and who asked this via Facebook!
brindey brindey 5 years
So...I have a question tangential to the post about maybe going anyway. Is she a terrible person? Why doesn't she have any friends? Is she terribly selfish, a downer, or a crazy mess? I feel really bad for her- except that I think that face that she has no friends sort of shoots up a red flare. If she is a nice person, though, just super shy or has moved and lost touch with old friends, it might be fun to go and see if the friendship grows. She clearly thinks highly of you.
brindey brindey 5 years
So...I have a question tangential to the post about maybe going anyway. Is she a terrible person? Why doesn't she have any friends? Is she terribly selfish, a downer, or a crazy mess? I feel really bad for her- except that I think that face that she has no friends sort of shoots up a red flare. If she is a nice person, though, just super shy or has moved and lost touch with old friends, it might be fun to go and see if the friendship grows. She clearly thinks highly of you.
katiekat95 katiekat95 5 years
Agree with everyone above. At least you're not going to bump into her at the mall ;)
katka313 katka313 5 years
A lot of people are saying that this is sad, but...it might not be. So what if the girl doesn't have many friends? She might be of the mind "quality not quantity." On a different note altogether, to the OP: She obviously thought you two were closer at some point than you did. You don't need to, as another poster put it, rub salt into the wound. She is happy; she is getting married. Don't rain on her parade by telling her you don't like her. That's a crappy thing to do and you'd be a horrible person for doing it that way. Just tell her that your finances don't allow much wiggle room right now and unfortunately you can't make it. We're in a recession and people are losing jobs left and right, she'll understand. What I don't understand is why you couldn't figure this out yourself? It really isn't that hard to pin down a tactful response that would spare her feelings and let you bow out gracefully.
katka313 katka313 5 years
A lot of people are saying that this is sad, but...it might not be. So what if the girl doesn't have many friends? She might be of the mind "quality not quantity." On a different note altogether, to the OP: She obviously thought you two were closer at some point than you did. You don't need to, as another poster put it, rub salt into the wound. She is happy; she is getting married. Don't rain on her parade by telling her you don't like her. That's a crappy thing to do and you'd be a horrible person for doing it that way. Just tell her that your finances don't allow much wiggle room right now and unfortunately you can't make it. We're in a recession and people are losing jobs left and right, she'll understand.What I don't understand is why you couldn't figure this out yourself? It really isn't that hard to pin down a tactful response that would spare her feelings and let you bow out gracefully.
nylorac nylorac 5 years
She's just desperate... and I mean that with no judgment. I'm sure she'll understand that you can't go... I mean, that's just odd to get invited to be in the wedding if you're not really a friend, more like an old, very distant acquaintance. But I think she probably just thought to invite you out of desperation and is not expecting much. If you actually did go, how weird would that be? It's just out of the question.
smolliecakes smolliecakes 5 years
Definitely thank her for the offer, but really bring up how close it is to your best friend's wedding, how you will be busy with that, how your budget will be focused on that, as well as that will take up most your time off work. Also, if you are worried that she'll keep suggesting doing things for you to just say that you don't want to make her wedding more of a hassle and that you wish her the best, but it's probably better for both of you that you are not in the wedding.
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 5 years
I'd send my regrets without offering an explanation. It's too bad she doesn't have more friends, but I'm sure she's aware that you two are not great buddies, so I'm certain she won't be sad. She needs to realize that it's not important that a certain number of people attend her wedding, but rather how close the ones are that do. If she does inquire as to why you're declining the offer, you can still tell her your many reasons. I think they sound perfectly reasonable. I doubt she'll make a fuss over it. You seem like a very considerate person, and I'm sure you can somehow get out of this without upsetting her. Let us know how it went!
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 5 years
I'd send my regrets without offering an explanation. It's too bad she doesn't have more friends, but I'm sure she's aware that you two are not great buddies, so I'm certain she won't be sad. She needs to realize that it's not important that a certain number of people attend her wedding, but rather how close the ones are that do. If she does inquire as to why you're declining the offer, you can still tell her your many reasons. I think they sound perfectly reasonable. I doubt she'll make a fuss over it. You seem like a very considerate person, and I'm sure you can somehow get out of this without upsetting her. Let us know how it went!
shreerose shreerose 5 years
How weird that she even asked. I'd go with telling her that your work schedule is very hectic and cannot take any time off as of right now.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
Wow, I feel so bad for this poor girl (the bride). What a sad situation.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
Wow, I feel so bad for this poor girl (the bride). What a sad situation.
GregS GregS 5 years
I'm with Dazzle on this. It's not important or even pertinant why you can or cannot do something. I'd say, "Thank you so much for asking me to be a bridesmaid at your wedding. I'm honored. However, I find that I cannot attend due to conflicts. I know this is a special day for you, and I wish you all the happiness in the world!"The conflicts are your available time, work, budget, real level of friendship with her. But she doesn't really need to know these things.
GregS GregS 5 years
I'm with Dazzle on this. It's not important or even pertinant why you can or cannot do something. I'd say, "Thank you so much for asking me to be a bridesmaid at your wedding. I'm honored. However, I find that I cannot attend due to conflicts. I know this is a special day for you, and I wish you all the happiness in the world!" The conflicts are your available time, work, budget, real level of friendship with her. But she doesn't really need to know these things.
DazzleDe DazzleDe 5 years
I can't believe you needed to ask a group of strangers advice on this issue. Just say "thanks for asking, but I can't." Leave it at that, you don't need to give her elaborate excuses or lie to her just say thanks but no thanks.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
Say thank you and congrads, but explain to her, (maybe through email so she can't try to convince you otherwise) that you can't do it because of work and money and you do not feel comfortable with her financial assistance/concessions. It's sad, really. As you said, she doesn't sound like she has many friends. Still, you have a budget and another wedding to deal with. Just send her a sweet but brief email telling her no.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
Say thank you and congrads, but explain to her, (maybe through email so she can't try to convince you otherwise) that you can't do it because of work and money and you do not feel comfortable with her financial assistance/concessions. It's sad, really. As you said, she doesn't sound like she has many friends. Still, you have a budget and another wedding to deal with. Just send her a sweet but brief email telling her no.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
I agree with the others. Congratulate her, but also be honest about your budget issue and your chaotic work schedule, be firm too with saying that you can't make it and be apologetic about it. No need to tell her that you never really consider her a really good friend.Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
I agree with the others. Congratulate her, but also be honest about your budget issue and your chaotic work schedule, be firm too with saying that you can't make it and be apologetic about it. No need to tell her that you never really consider her a really good friend. Good luck.
Raynne413 Raynne413 5 years
I agree with the posts above me. Cite your budget and work. There's no reason to hurt her during this happy time by telling her you don't think of her as a friend.
searching-soul searching-soul 5 years
I'm with Joe. Be kind but firm... the poor girl obviously does not know how to cultivate close personal relationships, don't rub salt in the wound. "My work schedule is really full I have major expenses to contend with and my budget can barely cover those expenses at the moment. Congrat's on your wedding. All the best" something like that should do it and if not, oh well. BTW- the odds are she might think very highly of you but her social skills are not great. I had a hairdresser who could be bitchy towards me sometimes (but did great hair. Lol)and she invited me to her wedding. My mom was like whatever way she might act she obviously thinks highly of me. Maybe she hides her posts because she is afraid of saying something that would cause you to think less of her or to unfriend her. Either way, it's not your issue. Don't burn a bridge by being too blunt. You never know, you two may get to know each other in the future and you might find she's a good ally and friend or has good business connections. Someone wants to marry her, so she can't be all bad.
searching-soul searching-soul 5 years
I'm with Joe. Be kind but firm... the poor girl obviously does not know how to cultivate close personal relationships, don't rub salt in the wound. "My work schedule is really full I have major expenses to contend with and my budget can barely cover those expenses at the moment. Congrat's on your wedding. All the best" something like that should do it and if not, oh well. BTW- the odds are she might think very highly of you but her social skills are not great. I had a hairdresser who could be bitchy towards me sometimes (but did great hair. Lol)and she invited me to her wedding. My mom was like whatever way she might act she obviously thinks highly of me. Maybe she hides her posts because she is afraid of saying something that would cause you to think less of her or to unfriend her. Either way, it's not your issue. Don't burn a bridge by being too blunt. You never know, you two may get to know each other in the future and you might find she's a good ally and friend or has good business connections. Someone wants to marry her, so she can't be all bad.
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