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I Feel Useless

"I Can't Change"

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

I have been having some awful habits, lately, especially in the past year. With my education and career, I am turning into this lazy, good-for-nothing procrastinator. I can't achieve anything, and every time I decide to change, I just never get to even starting to change.

In my romantic life, I have been having serious insecurities, trust issues, and I have been really making it hard for my man to endure this. Again, every time I decide that I'm NOT going to pick fights over nothing, I'm not going to check his cell phone, I'm not going to question him about every darn place he has been today and whys or whats and whens and wheres, I do it again. I just control myself for couple weeks and then the monster comes out again.

I have taken therapy and I am trying to use the techniques I've been told, but to no avail. My self-esteem is now so low, I feel like a nagging useless person.

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Ciris Ciris 3 years
I think you need to work on and acknowledge the small successes/victories and try not to get hung up on the failures.  What seems like is happening is that you are getting very down on yourself for mistakes which and negative thinking (especially self-defeating thinking in regard to yourself) makes it harder to try to change.  Very few people can just decide they want to change something and have it happen, especially in terms of larger goals or learned patterns.  I think you should give yourself some more slack if you happen to mess up and say 'hey I'm human, today was a bad day, lets start fresh tomorrow.'  I also would suggest trying to talk with a positive friend or acquaintance about your goals and have them help you.  Sometimes an outside perspective can help keep us on track, or can point out where we are too harsh or help us see a path to where we want to be that we might miss otherwise.   I also think this Oprah article (or maybe one of others available on her site) might be helpful in getting into why these issues are difficult for you to change http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Professors-Kegan-and-Lahey-on-the-Challenges-of-Change
totygoliguez totygoliguez 3 years
I'm not an expert by any means, but it sounds to me like you're going through a depression. I think that's something you should touch base in therapy.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 3 years
I'm not an expert by any means, but it sounds to me like you're going through a depression. Depression is not always someone who is in bed crying all day. There are many forms of depression. I think that's something you should touch base in therapy.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
My dietician told my that "trying" to do something is bullshit. She did. She said you either do something, or you don't....even if you do it poorly, still you're doing, not "trying". "Trying" is an excuse words. I agree with Bi....you need to find a better therapist. I'd suspect you stick with the one who doesn't work for you, because you don't really want to change. And by the way, so long as your attitude is "I can't", you won't....it's a self fulfilling prophesy. People who are determined to change find the help they need, and work to develop the skills they need to do it. If the help you've found isn't helping, then you need to keep looking until you find help that does. Doctors, therapists, practitioners of all types are not all appropriate for all people....sometimes you have to search to find the right fit, the right connection. So, stop "trying" to do those tecniques, and do them. They're hard because they are the opposite of what you're doing now, they're work. Bad habits, an unmotivated life style doesn't just shift after a couple of weeks.....and calling it the "monster" is just another strategy you're using to avoid accepting responsibility for your own choices and actions. That monster is you. Not something seperate from you, just you. Your behavior is how you define yourself. If you don't like the definition, make new choices. And don't try to fix everything everyday, all at the same time. Pick one issue, and focus. Work the tecniques you've been taught....not try....just do it. And hey, I know that it's hard....I fall off the wagon constantly, because I don't like the tecniques that work for me either.....I hate....HATE keeping a food journal....it works, and I like the effects, but I hate having to take the time every single time I put something in my mouth....it's about being responsible, aware, and accountable.....it's a whole different way of life, but it works, and the results of not being accountable are not so wonderful, are they? good luck darlin'
BiWife BiWife 3 years
You need a better therapist, clearly the ones you have seen and the techniques they have suggested are not working. Find someone that you can really click with and figure out the root cause of your trust issues and self-esteem. Just trying to change your habits without understanding and dealing with the root cause is going to be a circular exercise in futility. Don't be afraid to ask for more help when you need it - we all have our own journey in mental health and figure out issues and fix them in our own time and with the resources that we individually need.
Aquadave Aquadave 3 years
So why is there a trust issue? Trust can be things he's did or your insecurities. If you're doing nothing wrong then he might be. Trust your gut. If you don't have a gut eat lots and lots of junk food til you do. Therapy is a scam, you go to 3 different therapist you'll get 3 different answers. It's up to you to change but it helps to have a friend to be there with you. like exercising it so much easier if you have a friend to motivate you on days you want to sit in and vice a versa
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