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I Forbid You

Here's a post from OnSugar blog Rantings of a Single Girl.

I've always believed that relationships are made of honesty and communication. While love is a wonderful thing, it really does take more than that to make a relationship work. There are a million other things that make a relationship functional and worth being a part of.

I think trust is another one of those major things that is required in relationships. If you don't trust your significant other, then what good is that?  I've known some women who, while they trust their partner, they would rather them not do certain things. Like get a lap dance at a bachelor party. I guess it's okay to ask your significant other to not do something you are uncomfortable with. When you start forbidding them to do something, then I think it's more of a matter of trust.

I had a friend who once dated a guy who forbid her to see certain people, wear certain things, go certain places. It was a very controlling relationship. She obviously wasn't happy, so I could never figure out why she stayed in the relationship. Of course that is an extreme version of forbidding someone, but does it really matter if it's one thing or a hundred things?

I hope I'm never in the situation where I trust my significant other so little that I forbid him to do things. I just don't see that being a healthy relationship. So what do you think? Is forbidding your significant other to do certain things an okay thing to do?

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Kimpossible Kimpossible 6 years
It's not just about lack of trust, it's also more like being his Mother than his partner. Giving ultimatums is never a good idea unless you're prepared for the consequences.
Autumns_Elegy Autumns_Elegy 6 years
I was in such a relationship too, the ex forbade me from hanging with my friends (after telling me that I SHOULD see them), stopped me going out, didn't let me read in my free lessons at school, didn't let me talk to my mates during class (he would stand outside the room and watch, freaky right?), and even went so far as to tell me not to wear purple, stripes, skirts, or read the books I liked and listen to music I enjoyed (even at home). Eventually I just had enough, went out to a concert with my mates without telling him, and dumped him the very next day. My partner and I are pretty good about things like that though, we just express dislike (for example: "must you wear those shoes? They're falling apart!"), and the other party makes their own mind up from there. :)
Autumns_Elegy Autumns_Elegy 6 years
I was in such a relationship too, the ex forbade me from hanging with my friends (after telling me that I SHOULD see them), stopped me going out, didn't let me read in my free lessons at school, didn't let me talk to my mates during class (he would stand outside the room and watch, freaky right?), and even went so far as to tell me not to wear purple, stripes, skirts, or read the books I liked and listen to music I enjoyed (even at home).Eventually I just had enough, went out to a concert with my mates without telling him, and dumped him the very next day.My partner and I are pretty good about things like that though, we just express dislike (for example: "must you wear those shoes? They're falling apart!"), and the other party makes their own mind up from there. :)
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
My ex used to do this to me. It's such bull. I trust my partner and he trusts me. 'Nough said. Anything else and I really don't feel like people should be together.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
I think it's disrespectful to forbid your partner to do anything as if you're his/her parent. If there's something you don't like about your partner that you cannot compromise on, a rational conversation is a better route than "I FORBID YOU!!" That is just a disaster waiting to happen. Communication is a key component of a successful relationship and if you can't rationally talk something out and resort to "forbidding" them from an activity, your relationship/communication level is probably not at its healthiest.
Pistil Pistil 6 years
I think for the most part you should be compatible enough with your partner that you're already in agreement about most things. Why date someone who is doing things you don't like?Asking can be a reasonable. It's a request that may be accepted or denied. It opens up a dialogue and communication is important. But forbidding is sort of a one-sided conversation. The other person is not necessarily in agreement. It's controlling.
Pistil Pistil 6 years
I think for the most part you should be compatible enough with your partner that you're already in agreement about most things. Why date someone who is doing things you don't like? Asking can be a reasonable. It's a request that may be accepted or denied. It opens up a dialogue and communication is important. But forbidding is sort of a one-sided conversation. The other person is not necessarily in agreement. It's controlling.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
I think that this is a complicated question. I personally respect my boyfriend's freedoms and right, I'm highly aware that I'm not his mother. But I also think that there are things that are forbidden, but he should know what they are ( sex with other women, abusive behavior, etc.). But when it comes to his groups of friends, the way he dresses what he does in his free time that is his business and he is a grown boy. I do have a problem with dealing with drunks, so if he wants to drink he knows that I won't deal with his hung over. If I ever find myself prohibiting my boyfriend not to see his friends or not to do something; I think that is a sign that the relationship is over.
MissSushi MissSushi 6 years
I've been in a relationship with a man who "forbid" things. It took a long while into the relationship for him to start it, he was really open and free at first, but it only lasted a few months after he started telling me i absolutely coudln't do something for it to end. Asking someone not to do something you're uncomfortable with, is absolutely not the same as forbidding them. It's about respect, intention, control and power. That being said - perhaps I'm prudish, but i don't really think its that ridiculous to not want your SO to get a lapdance at a strip club. Why is it different then him walking over, joining a group of girls, and having them grind all over his crotch? Because he's paying? So, does that mean if he hired a prostitute, that would be okay too?
MissSushi MissSushi 6 years
I've been in a relationship with a man who "forbid" things. It took a long while into the relationship for him to start it, he was really open and free at first, but it only lasted a few months after he started telling me i absolutely coudln't do something for it to end. Asking someone not to do something you're uncomfortable with, is absolutely not the same as forbidding them. It's about respect, intention, control and power. That being said - perhaps I'm prudish, but i don't really think its that ridiculous to not want your SO to get a lapdance at a strip club. Why is it different then him walking over, joining a group of girls, and having them grind all over his crotch? Because he's paying? So, does that mean if he hired a prostitute, that would be okay too?
likethedirection likethedirection 6 years
Yes. I forbid things but I think they are things that were assumed to be forbidden anyway(example: intimate stuff with other women). I also come from a family that's had problems with alcoholism so I guess I 'forbid' my boyfriend to get obliterated when he goes out with friends. He definitely still goes out with his friends and he definitely still drinks, but there's a certain line he doesn't cross. In my opinion there are certain things in relationships that ARE forbidden and those things will be different in every relationship so couples should actually talk about that stuff instead of just assuming it. Luckily my and my boyfriend's views on life and relationships are very similar so we don't have to forbid/ask/urge things often. Or ever really now that we've been together for four years.
likethedirection likethedirection 6 years
Yes. I forbid things but I think they are things that were assumed to be forbidden anyway(example: intimate stuff with other women). I also come from a family that's had problems with alcoholism so I guess I 'forbid' my boyfriend to get obliterated when he goes out with friends. He definitely still goes out with his friends and he definitely still drinks, but there's a certain line he doesn't cross. In my opinion there are certain things in relationships that ARE forbidden and those things will be different in every relationship so couples should actually talk about that stuff instead of just assuming it. Luckily my and my boyfriend's views on life and relationships are very similar so we don't have to forbid/ask/urge things often. Or ever really now that we've been together for four years.
weffie weffie 6 years
I voted No, but I think it's less a lack of trust than a lack of respect. My ex prevented me from seeing certain people, but it wasn't because he didn't trust me around them, it was because they made me happy and they didn't like him (since he was a controlling asshole) so he just tried to keep me away from them to keep me unhappy and isolated... I think he trusted me, he just didn't value me, my happiness, or my mental health at all.
ella1978 ella1978 6 years
The only thing we had close to that was this.My fiance had an acquaintenance who was female. At first, I thought she was nice, no problem with it... then I started to hear things from other girlfriends of my fiance's friends about this girl - then the story came out.She was visiting my fiance when he was playing poker, visiting him when he was bouncing at a bar, sending him inappropriate texts, calling when I wasn't home.. she had convinced herself that she was in a relationship with him... even though he thought that she was just being friendly (he's also a little oblivious to girls hitting on him)Once I found all this out, I told him that he should write to her, and tell her that they shouldn't talk anymore. That he's in a relationship, and he wasn't interested in having one with her.That's the closest we have come to anything - but it took me a while to get over it.. it felt like stuff was happening behind my back and I didn't like it.
ella1978 ella1978 6 years
The only thing we had close to that was this. My fiance had an acquaintenance who was female. At first, I thought she was nice, no problem with it... then I started to hear things from other girlfriends of my fiance's friends about this girl - then the story came out. She was visiting my fiance when he was playing poker, visiting him when he was bouncing at a bar, sending him inappropriate texts, calling when I wasn't home.. she had convinced herself that she was in a relationship with him... even though he thought that she was just being friendly (he's also a little oblivious to girls hitting on him) Once I found all this out, I told him that he should write to her, and tell her that they shouldn't talk anymore. That he's in a relationship, and he wasn't interested in having one with her. That's the closest we have come to anything - but it took me a while to get over it.. it felt like stuff was happening behind my back and I didn't like it.
sourcherry sourcherry 6 years
In a way, I agree that there is a difference. I'd totally flip if my bf forbade me to do something, but I'd be more open if he asked me not to. But there's a limit to that too. If we know the end result is the same (the person who asks gets what she wants), the relationship can become as oppressive as when there's forbidding involved. Also, a lot of controlling people are smart enough to phrase their demands nicely, and make them not sound like demands at all. Like the guy in the example, he probably just said to the girl that those people she wanted to see were no good for her, that he really wanted to be with her, so he'd rather she stayed at home, etc etc.. In the end, it's the same as forbidding.Because of this, I think that forbidding should be completely ruled out, but asking our partners not to do something should be reserved to a very limited number of situations too.
sourcherry sourcherry 6 years
In a way, I agree that there is a difference. I'd totally flip if my bf forbade me to do something, but I'd be more open if he asked me not to. But there's a limit to that too. If we know the end result is the same (the person who asks gets what she wants), the relationship can become as oppressive as when there's forbidding involved. Also, a lot of controlling people are smart enough to phrase their demands nicely, and make them not sound like demands at all. Like the guy in the example, he probably just said to the girl that those people she wanted to see were no good for her, that he really wanted to be with her, so he'd rather she stayed at home, etc etc.. In the end, it's the same as forbidding. Because of this, I think that forbidding should be completely ruled out, but asking our partners not to do something should be reserved to a very limited number of situations too.
lilkimbo lilkimbo 6 years
I agree about the difference between forbidding and asking. Asking someone not to do something because and telling them you're prefer they didn't do it is one thing; telling them they absolutely cannot do it is another. In addition to phrasing and intention, like you mentioned, star, I think the reaction of your significant other would be different if he asked you not to do something as opposed to if he forbade you to do something. If you do something your significant other asked you not to do, I would imagine there could be a dialogue about why you chose to do it and ultimately he would respect that you can make the best choices for yourself. However, the type of person who forbids others from doing something strikes me as the type of person who would be very upset and not open to discussion if you did the thing he forbade you from. Does that make sense?
Veka Veka 6 years
It got worse over time. At first I didn't mind because I was crazy in love with him and I didn't mind spending all my time with him. It started to bother me about halfway through our relationship, and enough was enough after everything else combined. It's sad that I was willing to put up with it for so long, but I believe that I have learned from that experience and I know what I will and won't tolerate anymore. I also know better than to treat someone else that way. And I agree with your last point above. It's negative reinforcement vs. positive reinforcement. Like with little kids - instead of saying "no don't do that!" you say, "here, try doing this instead."
Veka Veka 6 years
It got worse over time. At first I didn't mind because I was crazy in love with him and I didn't mind spending all my time with him. It started to bother me about halfway through our relationship, and enough was enough after everything else combined. It's sad that I was willing to put up with it for so long, but I believe that I have learned from that experience and I know what I will and won't tolerate anymore. I also know better than to treat someone else that way.And I agree with your last point above. It's negative reinforcement vs. positive reinforcement. Like with little kids - instead of saying "no don't do that!" you say, "here, try doing this instead."
starangel82 starangel82 6 years
Veka - just a curious question... how long were you together before enough was enough? hithatsmybike - I agree with syako that it is an interesting point. I do see a difference though. To me asking is like saying 'I really would appreciate it if you didn't do this because...' and forbidding someone to do something is like 'you won't do this because I say so'. Sure, the end result is that you don't want the other person to do something, but there are completely different ways to go about asking someone not to do it. Also, people tend to respond better to things when you ask as opposed to saying 'you can't or won't'.
starangel82 starangel82 6 years
Veka - just a curious question... how long were you together before enough was enough?hithatsmybike - I agree with syako that it is an interesting point. I do see a difference though. To me asking is like saying 'I really would appreciate it if you didn't do this because...' and forbidding someone to do something is like 'you won't do this because I say so'. Sure, the end result is that you don't want the other person to do something, but there are completely different ways to go about asking someone not to do it. Also, people tend to respond better to things when you ask as opposed to saying 'you can't or won't'.
syako syako 6 years
That's an interesting point, hi. I've never really thought of it that way.
syako syako 6 years
That's an interesting point, hi. I've never really thought of it that way.
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