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I Found My Boyfriend's Porn!!

I Found My Boyfriend's Porn!!

Dear Sugar--

My boyfriend and I have been dating over a year and things have been going great until recently - I accidentally (yes, really) discovered that he looks at porn whenever I'm not around. We talked it out and decided to put a little more effort into our sex life, which is great! Still, I was so caught off guard by this, and hurt that he never talked to me about his needs and took the matter into his own hands (no pun intended).

I know the two aren't related, but I worry that if he's looking at other women, he may take the leap and cheat if he gets bored again. We're happy in every other way but now I'm constantly suspicious of what he does when we're not together and I don't want to be. Help!

--Mistrusting by Boyfriend Mindy

To sear DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Mistrusting by Boyfriend Mindy--

I know you must feel betrayed and surprised by your boyfriend's "secret", but guys are very visually oriented so many of them look at porn to get aroused. The thing is, you are worried that your boyfriend is going to get bored with the relationship and cheat on you which makes me think there is something else going on here. Does he have a history of cheating? Have you had problems in the past?

I know it's offensive to some, but for others, looking at porn can be a major turn-on. It sounds like he's kind of embarrassed that you found out (since he didn't tell you about it in the first place), so instead of having him hide it from you, do you think you could get up the nerve to look at it with him? He might really appreciate that you're trying to be part of his fantasy, and who knows - you may change your mind about porn.

Relationships are about trust and since you are having doubts about that, you need to keep the lines of communication open between the two of you. Tell him how you feel, that you are insecure about your relationship, and are worried about him not being happy, and leaving because of it. Talking things out and sharing your feelings will make you both feel better. Good luck Mindy.

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KeiraLang KeiraLang 4 years
The reason you felt angry and hurt, is because your boyfriend is cheating on you.    Infidelity occurs anytime your man turns to another woman, period. I am so sick of the "guys are visual beings" excuse. Truly, I wish they would try to think of something a little more convincing, cause this one is old and weak. Everyone enjoys the site of something beautiful...but its wrong to emotionally abuse the one your supposed to be in love with to no end for selfish, perverse reasons.   I am amused/disgusted to see what porn has done to our society. Many young boys are exposed to porn at an early age, and become addicted...then when the time comes for them to make love, they literally do not know how. Sleeping with a porn addict is like sleeping with an animal rapist.    If your boyfriend had a heroine addiction would you join him?   I don't know much of anything about Dr. Phil as I don't watch tv, but I cam across a blog he did on porn, and he nailed it:   Dr. Phil   Blog/Relationships/Sex   Is Internet Pornography Cheating?   Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a "normal guy thing"?   Here's what Dr. Phil believes: It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.    Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it's gone too far. Pornography isn't real, it's a fantasy. It's makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It's also somebody's daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She's demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she's being exploited by people who are funded by you.   It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It's not healthy, it's not natural and it's not normal. Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level. You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship.   Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship. Ask yourself or your partner:  Would you do it with your partner standing right there? Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship?   You can't change what you don't acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem. Do you justify the behavior by saying, "It's harmless," "Everyone does it," or "It's just the Internet"? Does it intrude on your relationship?   Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?
Hotspice69 Hotspice69 9 years
I have been trying to find someone with almost my same problem, I just found out my bf watches porn, but the only thing that bothers me is that When I ask for sex he is too tired, yet he is never tired to watch porn(while alone).My question is what the hell is up with that? Makes me sometimes wonder weather im just not good enough for him.Just like Sek said if I watched it he would get upset yet how is this suppose to work? Did I miss something somewhere, where its ok for a partner to watch porn even though you are willing to give him some yet he wont?Someone please enlighten me.
sek sek 9 years
A lot of guys don't realize that what they do in their spare time can make their girlfriends feel paranoid, jealous, or hurt for much the same reason: you're not enough for my libido. Many women either think that their guy's on the brink of infidelity if he's looking at another naked chick because the next step would be going from looking to touching... or they'll think that there's something wrong with them because they aren't good enough... or they'll feel betrayed because they trusted their guy to be only sexually interested in you. If you haven't set out ground rules in the relationships that he can't look at porn, you really shouldn't be upset that he broke the unspoken rule. MEN AREN'T MIND READERS. I was upset that my ex was looking at porn when I was living with him (while sitting next to me, nonetheless) because he didn't show sexual interest in me. Granted he was on medication, but it was very insulting. If I were to look at ("gay" ...solo guy or guy-on-guy) porn, he'd get furious at me. Men either get turned on or defensive if you're looking at other nude men. You could try giving him a taste of his own medicine if you're willing to let it backfire and have porn become a spice to your sex life.
sek sek 9 years
A lot of guys don't realize that what they do in their spare time can make their girlfriends feel paranoid, jealous, or hurt for much the same reason: you're not enough for my libido.Many women either think that their guy's on the brink of infidelity if he's looking at another naked chick because the next step would be going from looking to touching... or they'll think that there's something wrong with them because they aren't good enough... or they'll feel betrayed because they trusted their guy to be only sexually interested in you. If you haven't set out ground rules in the relationships that he can't look at porn, you really shouldn't be upset that he broke the unspoken rule. MEN AREN'T MIND READERS.I was upset that my ex was looking at porn when I was living with him (while sitting next to me, nonetheless) because he didn't show sexual interest in me. Granted he was on medication, but it was very insulting. If I were to look at ("gay" ...solo guy or guy-on-guy) porn, he'd get furious at me.Men either get turned on or defensive if you're looking at other nude men. You could try giving him a taste of his own medicine if you're willing to let it backfire and have porn become a spice to your sex life.
sugajen sugajen 9 years
we live in a techno society of sin, even i have porn girlie, its something u must accept
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 9 years
My boyfriend really doesn't like porn! He has two magazines and one DVD that I boguth him! i look at porn WAAAYYYYY more then him, he just says it does nothing for him and he'd rather be having sex with me! he doesn't care if I look at it either, and I could really care less if he ever decided he liked it haha!
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 9 years
My boyfriend really doesn't like porn! He has two magazines and one DVD that I boguth him! i look at porn WAAAYYYYY more then him, he just says it does nothing for him and he'd rather be having sex with me!he doesn't care if I look at it either, and I could really care less if he ever decided he liked it haha!
Miss-K-Smith Miss-K-Smith 9 years
and then when we are bored we watch it together haha.. why not!
Miss-K-Smith Miss-K-Smith 9 years
boys look at porn that's just what they do haha girls do it too.. were just a little sneakier about it but my boyfriend is pretty honest about it.. like yea look at this girl kinda thing.. so he has made it known that he has nothing to hide and he isn't ashamed about it.. its just entertaining!
Miss-K-Smith Miss-K-Smith 9 years
boys look at porn that's just what they do haha girls do it too.. were just a little sneakier about itbut my boyfriend is pretty honest about it.. like yea look at this girl kinda thing.. so he has made it known that he has nothing to hide and he isn't ashamed about it.. its just entertaining!
Debbie-Dee Debbie-Dee 9 years
he was spanking the monkey long before he met you and will continue long after the relationship is over....and apparently, everywhere in between....in the meantime, throw on some chaps and give him some sex on a platter so he can get in tune with reality!!!
mrkevz mrkevz 9 years
My girlfriends love porn! she encourages me to watch all the time. Porn is not a big deal.
asims asims 9 years
In my younger days, I HATED that my guy looked at porn...it truely bothered me BUT as I got older, I got to where I don't care and now I send him porn pics/videos all the time and I myself look at it too. I don't think looking at porn is a big deal IF it doesn't become an addiction where he has to look at it ALL the time (even at work) and rather be with his porn rather than you (which requires no intimacy). Everyone is different...if someone doesn't like porn that doesn't mean they are childish or have low self esteem. People like what they like and some people just don't!
asims asims 9 years
In my younger days, I HATED that my guy looked at porn...it truely bothered me BUT as I got older, I got to where I don't care and now I send him porn pics/videos all the time and I myself look at it too. I don't think looking at porn is a big deal IF it doesn't become an addiction where he has to look at it ALL the time (even at work) and rather be with his porn rather than you (which requires no intimacy). Everyone is different...if someone doesn't like porn that doesn't mean they are childish or have low self esteem. People like what they like and some people just don't!
BKNYGal BKNYGal 9 years
Welllll...I just thought of something. There are some things that girls do that other girls won't. It could get a bit uncomfortable if your guy is watching a porn star getting her back end rammed or him releasing on her face. And if it's something you just won't do, he might want to live that fantasy elsewhere....think about it.
mtx mtx 9 years
i look at it! my boyfriend does too. it's a good way to expose yourself to new things and give you good ideas that you can bring back to your significant other and explore.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
Looking at porn is natural to most men -- and those who say they do not look at it or like are probs lying. I think the issue is with your self esteem. Looking at porn does not mean that he finds these other women more attractive or finds sex with you boring. Plenty a man, have a very active happy sex life and still partake.
Jeannie_CK Jeannie_CK 9 years
My boyfriend looks at porn, he has long before we ever got together and quite frankly, it doesn't bother me at all. Now and again he'll say he wants to try something that they do. I say sure why not. At least he know's I am not a porn star and doesn't hold a grudge or say horrible things to me like why can't I be more like the porn stars. Later for him if that should happen. And out of boredom I sometimes ask him to mail me some video clips if I am bored at work or something as our internet is secure. But shh, that is my secret at work haha...
Mad_Muffin Mad_Muffin 9 years
sorry :)you need to work on your self esteem
Mad_Muffin Mad_Muffin 9 years
All guys watch porn no matter how much sex you are having. It has nothing to do with cheating. It actually pretty normal to watch it unless it's some kind of weird porno. The problem here is not with your boyfriend, it's just your insecurity. It need to work on your self esteem if you think that watching porno is going to make him want to cheat.
nessabum nessabum 9 years
porn doesn't not mean he's gonna cheat.
rkdub rkdub 9 years
i found my boyfriends old playboy's yesterday. And seriously, I am completely not surprised. Most men just LOVE to look at anything female and naked.... don't take it personally. Just know that women are sneakier... seriously, you know you check out the construction workers on the highway!!!!! Men just aren't as creative, they need assistance!
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
ther's porn and then ther's porn. if he needs to be constantly looking at sexual images i'd say that's a problem. if it involves underage individuals or animals i'd say that's a problem. if it makes you uncomfortable i'd say that's a problem too. this is your relationship so what works for anyone else isn't really important. i use to think that what ever went on the the bedroom between consenting adults was fine, but now i'm not so sure. if we are constantly raising the bar on expectations for looks, number of acts, positions, etc, based on some media enhanced images that isn't healthy. the things you do together and individually can either bring you closer or pull you apart. what are yout bf's recent actions doing? any effort he puts into self satisfaction is less effort for him in the relationship department with you. if that's a problem for you then tell him. if you don't mind let it go.the wording troubles me here "he looks at porn whenever I'm not around" makes it sound as if he has zero impulse conttol and the second you're out the door; there he goes. if that is truly the case it's creepy.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
ther's porn and then ther's porn. if he needs to be constantly looking at sexual images i'd say that's a problem. if it involves underage individuals or animals i'd say that's a problem. if it makes you uncomfortable i'd say that's a problem too. this is your relationship so what works for anyone else isn't really important. i use to think that what ever went on the the bedroom between consenting adults was fine, but now i'm not so sure. if we are constantly raising the bar on expectations for looks, number of acts, positions, etc, based on some media enhanced images that isn't healthy. the things you do together and individually can either bring you closer or pull you apart. what are yout bf's recent actions doing? any effort he puts into self satisfaction is less effort for him in the relationship department with you. if that's a problem for you then tell him. if you don't mind let it go. the wording troubles me here "he looks at porn whenever I'm not around" makes it sound as if he has zero impulse conttol and the second you're out the door; there he goes. if that is truly the case it's creepy.
katie225 katie225 9 years
i would actually be surprised if i dated a guy who didn't have a porn stash, just because it's so natural for them to have some porn! my boyfriend has it, no biggie. yeah, sometimes i get jealous that i'm not skinny and gorgeous, but you live with it. at least he's not cheating! and most of the time, i assume i'm the only one really watching it anyways. ;)the fact that women still get mad or surprised about this makes me laugh. it's like if a guy found his wife's shoe collection and was all, "what is THIS? huh?! you don't really love me!" and stormed off.and i agree with above, don't freak out unless it's harmful to others. and by harmful, i mean involves children, animals, blood, or suffocation. a little spanking is just kinky, not freaky.
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