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I Got Her Pregnant, but I'm Moving Away

Group Therapy: I Got Her Pregnant, but I'm Moving Away

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!
I'm 23 years old, and I was seeing this girl in a sexual relationship.  I specifically told her it would be nothing beyond physical, because I am traveling overseas for Graduate School (that, and I did not like her anything beyond that).  I decided to break it off, but before I could, she told me she was pregnant. Obviously, this was unexpected (she was on the pill, although I was stupid not to use a condom as well).  I know this is going to make me sound like a bit of a monster, but I really have no feelings for the girl.  In fact, since then I have come to not like her at all, and even if it is from me being upset at all of this, the best I will ever be able to do is be ambiguous about it.

Read the rest below.

The real problem is me going away.  She has decided to keep the child, which is her choice, and is due in December.  By that time, however, I will be overseas for another 9-10 months, and then work (most likely military) will probably not be anywhere near where she lives.  I have no feelings for her, but this child is tearing me apart inside.  I grew up in a very loving and stable 2-parent household, but know I cannot give the same to this child, since I refuse to give up my career and have no feelings for the baby's mother.  I know that I can help support the child financially, but that was never the issue.  It is quite possible that I may not even be in the area for the next several years.  What can be done?  I just feel like I am doomed to be a "dead-beat" dad, even though I feel like I don't want to be.  Please, no "just man up and stay there" comments.  Doesn't help.  I have a career, and I love it, and I refuse to stop what I love for the next 18 years to do a miserable job.

Second thought: There is the slight chance that I may move back to the area if work allows it.  My second thought goes back to the girl who is having my child.  She is a nice person, but I really just don't like her all that much.  If I do move back and get to see my child, do I owe her anything more than just pretending to be friendly?

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Desi816 Desi816 5 years
I have personal experience too with my father not being around. Like the other comments dont pretend. tell the truth and just be there for the child. A newborn needs their father there even if it's not all the time. You need to atleast help support the child. I remember growning up and asking my mother "Why don't I have a daddy like my classmates?" My mother cried for days... Even though you don't like the baby momma you shouldn't make her go through what my mom went through. It's very hard to tell a young child their father didn't wanna stick around or didn't want anything to do with them or doesn't believe their his blood even with a paternity test... Its a horrible conversation for a mother. Please give the world oneless abstentee father.
wirklich wirklich 5 years
Aw, you have to go away to pursue your career. Boo hoo. Think about it this way... the girl you knocked up doesn't have that option anymore, and it's all because of you. So why should you get to live your life however you want, and leave her to handle all the consequences? No birth control method is 100% and if you didn't want to live with the consequences, you really should have taken more initiative to at least use a condom. I don't think your gradschool or your career really trumps the responsibility that you have acquired for this child through your own actions. So you're going to have to provide both financially and emotionally for your child and the mother of your child first and foremost. She doesn't get to run off to another country to pursue her dreams. Guess what, neither do you! Sorry that sex has consequences, but you knew this going into it. You don't have to be with her, romantically, but you do have to take 50% of the workload and financial responsibilities of having a child! It sucks, but that's why condoms were invented! Man up!!!
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 5 years
Why did you have sex with a girl you don't like? Without a condom? You don't want to hear it, well too bad. MAN UP. You're going to be a father. If you leave for school you WILL be a dead beat dad. Take financial responsibility and find a local grad school, which should be a no brainer but guess you need someone to spell it out for you.
ladysonoma ladysonoma 5 years
Don't be put off by all the anger on this board. It's just rhetorical but none of it is rooted in anything logical.Being raised in a single parented home is not so bad. People just like to invoke drama because they feel angry about one thing or another. It's all personal and has nothing to do with you or your situation.Sometimes people just don't want to take responsibility for their actions or want to take out their anger about what happened to themselves on someone else.The fact is women have the upper hand when it comes to child birth which means we also have the bigger burden when it comes to raising them; this is where the resentment comes in.
ladysonoma ladysonoma 5 years
Don't be put off by all the anger on this board. It's just rhetorical but none of it is rooted in anything logical. Being raised in a single parented home is not so bad. People just like to invoke drama because they feel angry about one thing or another. It's all personal and has nothing to do with you or your situation. Sometimes people just don't want to take responsibility for their actions or want to take out their anger about what happened to themselves on someone else. The fact is women have the upper hand when it comes to child birth which means we also have the bigger burden when it comes to raising them; this is where the resentment comes in.
ladysonoma ladysonoma 5 years
What your struggling with is your resentment toward the woman for misleading you, and you are entitled to feel that way. The chances of getting pregnant if one takes birth control right is about zero to none, which means she might've pulled a fast one on you.In any case, you need to set aside time for a paternity test. Perhaps you can submit your dna prior to leaving the country and request certified results from a lab, that way you know the woman hasn't tampered with anything.Pursuing a relationships with her is the wrong idea. Go ahead with your career and send child support. When you get back to the country, go see your child. It sucks because you will miss the baby phase, but the child won't remember it. it will be hard for the mother, yes, but you need your career to support her. You need to continue on your course because you need to support this child and then support another family when you're ready to get married and have more children.
ladysonoma ladysonoma 5 years
What your struggling with is your resentment toward the woman for misleading you, and you are entitled to feel that way. The chances of getting pregnant if one takes birth control right is about zero to none, which means she might've pulled a fast one on you. In any case, you need to set aside time for a paternity test. Perhaps you can submit your dna prior to leaving the country and request certified results from a lab, that way you know the woman hasn't tampered with anything. Pursuing a relationships with her is the wrong idea. Go ahead with your career and send child support. When you get back to the country, go see your child. It sucks because you will miss the baby phase, but the child won't remember it. it will be hard for the mother, yes, but you need your career to support her. You need to continue on your course because you need to support this child and then support another family when you're ready to get married and have more children.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
here here. That was the best one, anonymous. Those men and women up there who haven't had a child yet have no clue. Why are they writing advice? You said it right.
sherrieras sherrieras 5 years
You don't owe HER ANYTHING, but you are responsible for the baby. The baby is INNOCENT, it didn't ask to be in this situation. STAND BY THE BABY, support it financially and emotionally and go on with your life.
InternGal InternGal 5 years
If you provide financial support and maintain a civil relationship with the mother of the child I don't see anything wrong with you completing your original plans for grad school and work. She had the same obligation you did to try and remain child-free, if that's what she desired. It's both of your "fault" for this situation, in my opinion. Regardless of whether you were "tricked" or her birthcontrol was messed up (by antibiotics, illness, vomitting, etc..), you're both going to be affected by the child. Assigning "blame" to someone's birth isn't a health attitude to have, for both yourself, the mother, and towards your future child. I agree with other posters, a paternity test is definitely in order. But there's a time and a place for one... and it's not early in the pregnancy. The best possible route to take until then would be to consult an attorney on how to draw up papers regarding custody, child support, visitation, etc.. in order to have things taken care of before you leave. I think you need to make it clear to your ex-bedmate that you want to support her financially but you had plans before you met her that will go forth, with or without her approval/blessing/whathaveyou. Getting arrangements in order prior to your departure is the best course of action, even if it makes you have to delay leaving the country or having to return frequently.
InternGal InternGal 5 years
If you provide financial support and maintain a civil relationship with the mother of the child I don't see anything wrong with you completing your original plans for grad school and work.She had the same obligation you did to try and remain child-free, if that's what she desired. It's both of your "fault" for this situation, in my opinion. Regardless of whether you were "tricked" or her birthcontrol was messed up (by antibiotics, illness, vomitting, etc..), you're both going to be affected by the child. Assigning "blame" to someone's birth isn't a health attitude to have, for both yourself, the mother, and towards your future child. I agree with other posters, a paternity test is definitely in order. But there's a time and a place for one... and it's not early in the pregnancy. The best possible route to take until then would be to consult an attorney on how to draw up papers regarding custody, child support, visitation, etc.. in order to have things taken care of before you leave. I think you need to make it clear to your ex-bedmate that you want to support her financially but you had plans before you met her that will go forth, with or without her approval/blessing/whathaveyou. Getting arrangements in order prior to your departure is the best course of action, even if it makes you have to delay leaving the country or having to return frequently.
spanishgirl69 spanishgirl69 5 years
Also, if she still wants to keep the child you need to try and get along with her, im sorry to hear that she is ignorant enough to bring a child into this world when the father doesnt want to be involved and even dislikes her. She is going to regret this, sadly, you are stuck with whatever decision she makes, so make an effort and try to make things as pleasant for you two as possible, i know it must be hard since shes forcing you in this situation. Best wishes
spanishgirl69 spanishgirl69 5 years
this girl probably has feelings for you and tried to trap you with this baby, that's what happened. She said she was taking birth control, but how could you trust someone you dont even like and you dont have an intimate relationship with to be responsible for this decision by herself. The fact you left this up to her doesnt speak up much for your maturity level hon. I know maybe you dont want to hear it but yeah, its time to man up, now its too late and you cant run away from the situation unless she changes her mind in keeping it.
lalorac lalorac 5 years
I think many of the above commenters may have taken the OP's actions personally and their resulting responses have been deeply judgemental as well as unhelpful. Not attractive, ladies. The original poster and this woman had consensual sex, with the understanding by both parties that the relationship was going no further. So they should have been more careful (but I'm inclined to believe that he already knows this, so telling him to "wrap his tool" is fairly useless). So maybe many commenters think casual sex is stupid or heartless(or whatever word you see fit), but he clearly does not and neither did the woman who is now pregnant. If she did feel more than this for him, it was frankly her own poor judgement to take it any further. He has not "wronged" this woman. She knew exactly what she was doing. People are free to do as (and screw whomever)they wish. Moving On.Op: I'll only mention accountability once, since I think you have already taken credit for your mistake. (No sense beating a dead horse, so to speak.) As many have mentioned above, establishing paternity is probably your ideal first move. If the sex was casual, she may have been sleeping around, and if she behaves a certain way with you it is reasonable to assume she does so with others.If the child is, in fact, yours then you are accountable to it (him/her), and it's mother at least until birth. Adoption is, of course, an option, but I get the impression that it isn't on the table at this point. Consider it?You will be financially responsible for this child to some degree, and that is one responsibility that you will (likely) be legally held to. What you choose to do beyond that, whether you move to be near the child or continue with your career plans, is up to you. There is no right answer (is there ever?). I agree with what Silver16 has said, top to bottom. Her choices, once she realized that she was pregnant, brought about (and will continue to dictate) every aspect of this matter. She chose to continue the pregnancy, which is her right, and she seems to want to raise the child, which is also her right(however irresponsible I personally find it).If you have no feelings for the mother, than pursuing a relationship with her is not a good idea. Ultimately it will not be beneficial to the child. A better example will be set if each parent moves on and develops healthy relationships with other people.Best of luck to you and your child, and both of your futures.
lalorac lalorac 5 years
I think many of the above commenters may have taken the OP's actions personally and their resulting responses have been deeply judgemental as well as unhelpful. Not attractive, ladies. The original poster and this woman had consensual sex, with the understanding by both parties that the relationship was going no further. So they should have been more careful (but I'm inclined to believe that he already knows this, so telling him to "wrap his tool" is fairly useless). So maybe many commenters think casual sex is stupid or heartless(or whatever word you see fit), but he clearly does not and neither did the woman who is now pregnant. If she did feel more than this for him, it was frankly her own poor judgement to take it any further. He has not "wronged" this woman. She knew exactly what she was doing. People are free to do as (and screw whomever)they wish. Moving On. Op: I'll only mention accountability once, since I think you have already taken credit for your mistake. (No sense beating a dead horse, so to speak.) As many have mentioned above, establishing paternity is probably your ideal first move. If the sex was casual, she may have been sleeping around, and if she behaves a certain way with you it is reasonable to assume she does so with others. If the child is, in fact, yours then you are accountable to it (him/her), and it's mother at least until birth. Adoption is, of course, an option, but I get the impression that it isn't on the table at this point. Consider it? You will be financially responsible for this child to some degree, and that is one responsibility that you will (likely) be legally held to. What you choose to do beyond that, whether you move to be near the child or continue with your career plans, is up to you. There is no right answer (is there ever?). I agree with what Silver16 has said, top to bottom. Her choices, once she realized that she was pregnant, brought about (and will continue to dictate) every aspect of this matter. She chose to continue the pregnancy, which is her right, and she seems to want to raise the child, which is also her right(however irresponsible I personally find it). If you have no feelings for the mother, than pursuing a relationship with her is not a good idea. Ultimately it will not be beneficial to the child. A better example will be set if each parent moves on and develops healthy relationships with other people. Best of luck to you and your child, and both of your futures.
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 5 years
"She obviously wants to keep this baby, so if she thinks being a single mom is too hard, she has only herself to blame. She had every option of using a birth control pill (if she indeed oopsed you) or aborting. "thats cold. just because the woman's promiscuous does not mean she is willing to request an abortion. i have heard of even married women with kids saying the pill failed. it is both of their faults for having sex. just because elective abortion is now legal and commonly accepted, now women have a responsibility to get rid of their fetus when finances and family situations are not ideal? great progress as a society, eh? i thought abortion was *supposed* to liberate women? is this how women become equals? being blamed for not having abortions when they can and the father of their child would prefer it? i can't believe people are so passionate about choice as a progressive aspect of society....it seems more selfish and barbaric to me *end rant*OP, just try to see it from the kid's POV. ask any of your friends who have absent fathers for advice. think about how you saw things as a kid...as other people said, try to be there for the birth, its really amazingthis is your first kid, a monumental milestone....congrats are in orderbtw i'm female and i'd hate the person who got me pregnant if i was just doing it and not hoping for a baby. i get that you feel trapped and pissed off at her for (possibly) ruining your plans and goalsi've realized that i was incredibly selfish and immature before having kids (and im not perfect now) and i relate to how you're describing your feelings. i think you maybe should tell yourself 'its not going to go as i planned it and thats ok' you don't want to miss out on this time. and despite the 'unlucky' circumstances you are really lucky to be a father and should not forfeit any of the enjoyment because you are not in love with the mother. do be friends with her though!
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