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I HATE MY FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND

I HATE MY FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND

Dear Sugar
How can I tell my friend that I don't like her boyfriend?
He is sleazy, I don't like how he treats her, he won't give her a commitment and he is much older (she is 31 and he is 49). He also doesn't want kids because he's already got two from a previous marriage.

I know my friend wants children of her own, but she's recently changed her tune to please this guy. I fear that she is going to regret this later in life when she sacrifices having a family for him. How do I tell her that this isn't the right guy for her? Alarmed Annabel

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Alarmed Annabel
It's really hard to watch a perfectly smart and fabulous woman get manipulated by a man who isn't worthy of her love. One day when you guys are hanging out, ask her if you two can have a heart-to-heart about her new boyfriend. As her friend, you owe it to her to bring up the tough stuff and address your concerns about her compromising her own dreams to please a man.

Ask her why she's planning to give up what most women her age are looking for (marriage and a family) for a guy who is unable to give her a commitment. Explain that you want to watch her grow and you are worried that he doesn't respect the dreams she has for her own life.

Then, be sure and let her know that you love her and that you are just talking to her about this because you are concerned for her future. Don't offend her by coming right out and telling her that you don't like her boyfriend - rather ask her why she's so willing to put aside having her own children for him. That's going to be a hard question for her to answer, but keep an open mind; he may have more redeeming qualities than you thought.

Explain that of course you can understand getting caught up in love, but that you are just making sure that she's thinking this through clearly with both her heart and her head. Touch her hand so she understands that you are coming from a place of love and tell her that you don't want to see her get hurt.

Conclude by saying that in no way are you trying to sabotage her relationship with him, and that even more importantly, you hope that this conversation won't drive a wedge between the two of you. Don't put her in a position where she is going to feel like she has to choose between the two of you; a good friend wouldn't do that.

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Join The Conversation
yayita yayita 9 years
People have to stumble and fall in order for them to learn on their own.
DeaconP DeaconP 9 years
she won't listen to you - saying something will probably make her mad. This is her choice, so you have to respect that - you don't know what she is thinking.
Pungkin Pungkin 9 years
i agree - you're concerned but it's out of your hands - you have to let other people make their own mistakes and as a friend, be there to support her and pick her up when she falls instead of judging her.
yayita yayita 9 years
I went through exactly this same situation with my best friend Nadia. She is 29 now and he is 40, when she met him she was 25 and he was living with a woman but told her that they were broken up and that he was moving out. She believed him but he didnt move out until a year later when my friend became pregnant. Turns out this woman was older than him and his sugar mama that gave him money. I was talking and advising her until I became blue in the face, but she did not listen! She is still with this loser, who in order to make money faked an accident and won $100,000 from the government. He took the money and bought a house for his mom in DR and claims he spent all of it which I doubt. MY friend saw NOTHING, NOT A SINGLE CENT. They have a daughter and the guy does not adequately support them, yet they live together and my friend pays alot of the bills! I planned a party for the babies 1st birthday and all the family was there but he refused to come to the party. He just hid in the bedroom and would not come out. Probably too embarrased because he didnt help at all and I paid for everything, otherwise the babies birthday would not have been celebrated. I am rambling on, but the point is that when women get STUPID and fall in love with older men that know how to manipulate and unexperienced mind. There is nothing you can do, I tried everything, her family tried everything and she still did not listen. I wish you luck but this will be quite difficult.
rasta_kitten rasta_kitten 9 years
make her realize your thought
PrincessPixie PrincessPixie 9 years
sleep with her, do a better job than him and then tell her he's embarrasingly ugly and makes her look bad. alternatively follow e.p.s advice. its much more sensible.
t0xxic t0xxic 9 years
Ull have to go to ur page, then edit account there will be a box to uncheck to take off auto subscribe. GL
lilxmissxmolly lilxmissxmolly 9 years
hey if anyone knows how to keep from subscribing to everything you comment on, please tell me how! i just opened up my email had 1,532.
ethiopian_princess ethiopian_princess 9 years
talk to your friend about it in a you-two-want-different-things and will-you-regret-not-having-kids? frame because if you flat out say you hate him, you'll isolate her.
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