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I Have a Crush on My Friend

Group Therapy: I Have Feelings For My Friend

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

About a year ago, Matt started working at the same casual job I was in. Different sectors, but we got the chance to chat a little during our shifts. Instantly, I was drawn to his character. He seemed sweet, funny and genuine; a year on that first impression was dead on. Because we have close mutual friends we started hanging out at group outings and getting to know each other better and better. We've become close friends, he messages me often and if I don't hear from him for even a day it feels peculiar.

Late last year I went away on a holiday and I realized I had feelings for him, not long after I came home, he went on his own adventure overseas with his friends but even when he was gone I heard from him pretty often, getting lengthy emails and the like. Well, now we're both home and we've continued being friends but this is getting harder and harder for me. I am at a point where I cannot tell what he thinks or feels about me. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting signals — lingering hugs, constant messages, little outings . . . but I could be completely misreading all of this out of sheer hope. He is after all a really sweet, friendly guy and a good friend.

He is painfully shy. He has never had a girlfriend, and to the best of my knowledge never really pursued a girl. I don't want to ruin our friendship, but I'm at a point where I need to know if he has any kind of feelings for me. The thing is though, I feel terrified of asking him and making a complete ass of myself. Surely if he did like me, maybe he would have made a move? Shy plus shy, equals a whole lot of confusion.

How can I tell him how I feel and find out how he feels without jeopardizing an important friendship? I'm seeing him this weekend for a group get together.

Any advice would be so greatly appreciated.

xx Rose

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dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
He likes you. C'mon. He's too shy so you'll have to pull him out if his shell a little. He's maybe the type who is so shy he's waiting for you to confirm your feelings. Its worth the risk to just let him know.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
He's into you. I don't believe he'd be putting that much effort into hanging out with you and being in contact all the time if he liked you as a friend. He's just paralyzed with fear. Depending on how shy he really is, he may never make the first move. I think it's up to you. I agree about having a drink or two to relax, and then telling him how you feel or just planting a kiss on him. You'll never know if you don't try. Let's say he doesn't have the same feelings (which I doubt). It might be awkward for a bit, but if you two really have a personal connection, he will want to remain friends (if you're still interested). Sure, rejection sucks, but most of us have been there and we all recovered. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Good luck!
karlotta karlotta 5 years
Just in case you missed the "US" in my sentence above, I want to make sure you understand I'm not talking about you getting drunk on your own and jumping his sober bones. What I meant is that you guys should go out for a drink TOGETHER. Preferably in a place that's not too public, so you feel more comfortable and intimate.
karlotta karlotta 5 years
This is exactly why alcohol was invented. My BF is terribly shy, and I was so intimidated by him, that I simply got us drunk and kissed him spontaneously. I'm not advocating getting raging smashed and hopping into bed; I'm talking a couple of glasses of wine (or okay, two shots of tequila!), enough to get you a little buzzed and pop some inhibitions, and be a perfect excuse the next day if you get rejected. But you won't. The guy likes you. He's just doing what mine did for months - HE'S WAITING FOR YOU TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE. Good luck!
karlotta karlotta 5 years
This is exactly why alcohol was invented. My BF is terribly shy, and I was so intimidated by him, that I simply got us drunk and kissed him spontaneously. I'm not advocating getting raging smashed and hopping into bed; I'm talking a couple of glasses of wine (or okay, two shots of tequila!), enough to get you a little buzzed and pop some inhibitions, and be a perfect excuse the next day if you get rejected.But you won't. The guy likes you. He's just doing what mine did for months - HE'S WAITING FOR YOU TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE. Good luck!
Emily-Co Emily-Co 5 years
I have a lot of friends who met their significant other through work so I disagree with dahliadreamer. Sure, it's not the best situation, but you can't pick who you're into. There are plenty of shy guys out there who deserve a chance! It's not ideal either, but it sounds like he's a great guy. Just ask yourself if he's worth the trouble. If he is, then I think taking a risk by telling him how you truly feel is a good idea.
Emily-Co Emily-Co 5 years
I have a lot of friends who met their significant other through work so I disagree with dahliadreamer. Sure, it's not the best situation, but you can't pick who you're into. There are plenty of shy guys out there who deserve a chance! It's not ideal either, but it sounds like he's a great guy. Just ask yourself if he's worth the trouble. If he is, then I think taking a risk by telling him how you truly feel is a good idea.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
If you know you want to be with this man then you should tell him. It may put your friendship on the rocks for a little while should he not return your feelings, but I think the risk is worth the potential reward. A great friendship is always the basis of the most successful relationships. I am a strong believer in not waiting to tell anyone how you feel about them, you could already be missing out on something great. And while rejection hurts, not knowing can hurt even more.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 5 years
Question: How important is your job to you, and are you two still working together? If so, I say scrap the relationship idea, because that was the first red flag in your post for me. When it comes to work, never, NEVER mix it in with relationships. It's bad news, unless you were together before work made the decision to hire you both (Which, by my understanding, is VERY rare.) No matter the situation, I think it's best to stay friends for a little longer, until you're 100% sure. And because you're shy, you can even wait till you're 110% sure if you'd like..! He seems like a super sweet guy, and like you said; 'Shy + Shy = a lot of confusion' so if you two got into a relationship and something happened, it would look something like: 'Shy + Shy = a lot of awkward moments'. Especially if you have tons of mutual friends. And if you do, then maybe you could consult them about this. Maybe the friends you have in between can attain for that third person point of view you might be looking for.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 5 years
Question: How important is your job to you, and are you two still working together? If so, I say scrap the relationship idea, because that was the first red flag in your post for me. When it comes to work, never, NEVER mix it in with relationships. It's bad news, unless you were together before work made the decision to hire you both (Which, by my understanding, is VERY rare.)No matter the situation, I think it's best to stay friends for a little longer, until you're 100% sure. And because you're shy, you can even wait till you're 110% sure if you'd like..! He seems like a super sweet guy, and like you said; 'Shy + Shy = a lot of confusion' so if you two got into a relationship and something happened, it would look something like: 'Shy + Shy = a lot of awkward moments'. Especially if you have tons of mutual friends. And if you do, then maybe you could consult them about this. Maybe the friends you have in between can attain for that third person point of view you might be looking for.
thedreamer103 thedreamer103 5 years
"Shy + Shy = A lot of confusion" I like that equation. =) If you value your friendship more then lose ALL of those feelings you have for him. It's hard to be friends with someone with those feelings. Do you want to be friends or more than friends? If you want to be more than friends, then tell him. Like you said, he's shy, so he'll be too embarrass to pursue you especially if he hasn't had a gf before. You shouldn't play mind games with yourself or him to figure out if he likes you. Just tell him how you feel and maybe he'll express the way he feels. Then you won't have the lingering question of "could we have been more than friends?" Hope this helps.
thedreamer103 thedreamer103 5 years
"Shy + Shy = A lot of confusion" I like that equation. =)If you value your friendship more then lose ALL of those feelings you have for him. It's hard to be friends with someone with those feelings. Do you want to be friends or more than friends?If you want to be more than friends, then tell him. Like you said, he's shy, so he'll be too embarrass to pursue you especially if he hasn't had a gf before. You shouldn't play mind games with yourself or him to figure out if he likes you. Just tell him how you feel and maybe he'll express the way he feels. Then you won't have the lingering question of "could we have been more than friends?"Hope this helps.
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