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I Let My Boyfriend Be With Other Women

"I Let My Boyfriend Do Stuff With Other Girls"

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

So I've been dating this guy long-distance for over a year now. I love him very much and he loves me. We live on opposite ends of the world to each other, but see each other a few times a year. However, work schedules and finances prevent us from seeing each other more often. We talk on the phone every day, twice a day and have a loving relationship. Recently, I told him that he is free to do things with other women when he is not with me. The rules are that 1) he can't know them well (no friends, just acquaintances or strangers), 2) he can do everything but sex, oral is okay, 3) he has to tell me about it, 4) and lastly, he cannot get emotionally involved (one girl, one time only, no repeats). Is this weird??? I feel like it is but I honestly don't mind as long as he follows those rules. Also, he never even mentioned this arrangement to me, it was my idea. Why do you think I'm okay with this setup? Has anyone else made an agreement like this with their boyfriend? Oh, and also I do not have the same agreement with him for myself. Meaning that I haven't asked to do stuff with other guys, and have no desire to because he is all I want.

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CoolObserver CoolObserver 3 years
I draw the line at other girls, but the bf likes to play around with guys and so satisfies himself when I am not around or available with the guys. He has several male friends with benefits, and I like him to get it out of his system, over with without the built up frustration. Guys' sex is so urgent and frequent, almost flippant, that these encounters are not love but sexual release --and no babies or paternity suits or direct competition, at least that is what he tells me.
steph1234 steph1234 3 years
Sorry, but this is just weird. If he didn't ask for these "boundaries" and there hasn't been any reason that you would think he would cheat on you otherwise, why in the world would you do this;Tell him that it's ok to do these things with other women? You are basically giving him the go ahead to be unfaithful to you...and once he starts, there will be no boundaries that he will not cross....Things always start out gradual, but build over time...bad things...like this..This is a bad, bad, bad idea. If you want to keep your loving relationship with this guy and make it last, then this is not the way to do it. I don't understand the method behind your madness at all, it makes absolutely no sense. Inviting other people into your relationshp does not constitute a good healthy happy relationship. If either of you can't handle the distance, then end it...but this most definitely is NOT the way to handle a long distance relationship.
dashsuede dashsuede 3 years
Slippery slope to doom.
countchocula countchocula 3 years
This actually makes me pretty sad. I'm in a long distance relationship and we also see each other maybe 4-5 times a year... but I don't feel the need to get physically involved with other men and he feels the same way. What makes our relationship work is that we're both equally committed and invested in it... we agreed that as soon as this balance is no longer there, we need to end it. If you say that you don't desire physical intimacy outside your relationship and that he is enough for you, I really feel it should be reciprocated! You shouldn't have these crazy rules for how he can cheat on you without "going all the way"... to me, it just comes from a place of insecurity - that you feel you need to allow him this "limited" freedom to sneak around in order to keep the relationship together. It's way too complicated. How do you know he won't hook up again with the same chick or some chick he's emotionally attached to? How can you guarantee he's going to stop at oral sex and not just go all the way? How can you control feelings that may develop? Things of this nature have the tendency to escalate rather than stop in a neat place. I really feel you're better off without this kind of setup. If you're both in the loving and committed relationship you claim to have, he shouldn't feel the need for intimacy with other women.
KathleenCora2240717 KathleenCora2240717 3 years
wow......a really big question i would be asking myself (if I were you) if  you don't want the same arrangement and you only want him......why doesn't he only want you!?  Giving the option and him actually going through with it is completely different.
allyjan allyjan 3 years
I'm sorry but your just asking for trouble there, fellas can't stay committed to one girl fullstop. Most fellas don't cheat but they all watch porn for the simple reason its fantasy they can pretend they have variety. You are better off buying him a prescription for a site because a relationship isn't a relationship with more then 2 people. His more then likely doing what you told him and hidding cause he probably thinks it will hurt you. Also if he thinks your ok with this he probably will do more then what you say he can. You will also be lucky if he doesn't meet someone else in the process.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
Oral is sex. And if you're getting it, are you ok with just stopping afterwards? I mean most strangers aren't going to be up for giving him a blowjob, or just getting oral themselves, and stopping. One you're tuned up, it's not so easy to say OK, that's where we're stopping. You really think he can just sex around with strangers and it won't go somewhere you don't approve of? I think that's completely unrealistic. The only situation I know that fits what you're talking about is a hooker, where all of the rules are right up front and paid for. I don't really believe this will work for all kinds of reasons, it's just too unbalanced and full of weird control issues on your part. Also, personaly, I don't understand the desire to have a committed relationship with someone you only see a few times a year. Are you working towards a relocation at some time? I don't understand subjecting yourself to such an unsatisfactory situation. And if you do come together geographicaly sometime, are you still going to be ok with his sexing around? I've heard, occasionaly, on this site someone say sex isn't a necessity, but the human sex drive is stronger than the human survival instinct, I think it is with other primates also, so..... I know lots of people in non traditional relationships, open, swingers, polygomous, polyamorous..... but what you're saying has the earmarks of the beginning of the end of a relationship. One person who is unsatisfied and looking to do something about it and the other partner trying to control how far that can go. In my experience, that never works. It's impossible to control what someone else chooses to do. It's wrong to set up rules for a partner. Rules, restrictions, definitions are something partners come up with together, not something one imposes on anothe; this isn't a parent/child relationship. I'm sorry, but my belief here is either you're going to come together, or you're going to break up. I could be wrong, but I've seen stuff like this before and it's not usually a good prognosis. good luck
Pazuzu Pazuzu 3 years
If he is enough for you, you should be enough for him.
Mickey128 Mickey128 3 years
i actually understand this because my boyfriend and I are long distance and i may go out of the country for 3 months on a project and was considering doing a similar thing....my reasoning for it was because i didn't want him to end up resenting me, that he gave up so much for a girl he only sees twice a month that cant fill his needs more than that....so yeah, i guess it is weird and it would hurt me if i thought about him doing it but i understand your point....its probably not healthy though
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 3 years
What's in this for you? With your plan you only get satisfied a couple times a year. And the rest of the time you receive reports about how much fun your boyfriend is having with other women...Sounds awful to me. I'm curious about how you intend to enforce your rules. How will you know he's following them? What will you do if he breaks them? And what will you do if you change your mind and decide to take back your permission? A local guy is much less work, a lot more convenient, and way more fun.
pax4pax pax4pax 3 years
Doesn't sound like good grounds for any sort of strong relationship. With this precedent, is he free when he goes away from you for a month, a week ... 8 hours at the office? You are worth 100% of him and he should be willing to wait till you two can be in a full-time, committed relationship. Till then, you have nothing different from his other phone friends.
missmaryb missmaryb 3 years
I wouldn't do it, hell no! What if he catches something and gives it to you? What if it's supposed to be casual, but turns into something more? And is he really that horny that he can't wait until he sees you? He can't just masturbate? If he really loves you I can't imagine that he'd want to be having meaningless encounters with strangers and/or acquaintances. So yes, I think it's strange and if you feel you have to give him that kind of sexual freedom then I think you should just let him go. Good luck.
chibros chibros 3 years
Definitely it would sound weird because only few men/women gives their partner such license. But I wonder what led to the topic of you suggesting that to him, any signal from him?.. "If you love something set it free".. You've shown how much you love him. Hope he is matured enough to understand, appreciate and keep to the RULES. Hon, in your rules, I quite didn't see where you mentioned "safe sex" which is the most important thing. Oral is not safe with acquaintances or strangers.
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