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I Need Breakup Advice

"Anyone Else Have Experience With a Terrible Breakup?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm going through a terrible breakup. I can't get over him. After half a year, after trying everything. I still love him. I CANNOT imagine myself with another guy emotionally and physically. It makes me sick. I'm tired of being depressed and lonely. I feel like I can't escape the thought of him no matter how hard I try to advert my attention. It makes me so sad thinking of the future and the past. Especially the present. I NEED an older lady to give me their personal story. Tell in full detail what happened with your first love/break up. I'm in desperate need of another womans experience on this issue. Not only am I interested but I need to hear it. I need hope. Anyone like to share?

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henna-red henna-red 3 years
I loved your story, Bubbles, just like I love all of the very personal stories shared here, because I assume that people who have gained an ability to give advise, and the desire to share their personal wealth, have gone through a LOT of crap and survived to tell the story. I admire every person who finds it within themselves to share the hard details, the human frailties, the experiences we can all learn from, only when folks like you ladies share the details of painful and oh so valuable life lessons. :) That kind of detail humbles me. It takes such courage and such generosity of spirit. I hope the op is able to hear these stories and take heart. I know I do.
WideEyes WideEyes 3 years
Hey, wow, you know I can totally relate to what you're going through, I'm not that old, still I hope you can find what I've got to say useful: You see I got into this really serious relationship, I mean it was perfect and all, we even became best friends, he told me everything and we could talk for ages. We had plans and all but then he had to change schools and we couldn't see each other that often (once a week) and just spend little time together, our relationship became difficult, we fought about every little thing! I mean we were behaving like a 20-some year marriage in crisis for God's sake! And then we broke up and it shattered my heart, I was devastated, I cried almost every night (and I'm a tough girl), he was so mean to me, I was hung up for at least a year, and seriously I was screwed up. But then I realized that life goes on and that experience will give me knowledge and wisdom so I can do better things next time. I hope this helps, good luck :)
Mandana85 Mandana85 3 years
I was 17 the first time I fell in love. I am 27 now, and when I look back, I really REALLY don't understand what in him exactly made me fall for him. I was shy and quite and he was so energetic and popular. I think his Popularity played a big role in my infatuation for him. sadly enough, I was proud to be with him. he was charming, beautiful, rich and a womanizer. 2 years older than me. I loved him so much and really didn't know what a "red flag" is. I didn't care if he didn't call, I was always the one who called and planned dates. it was enough that he gave me lovey dovey words when I called and I was immature enough to think he meant what he said. 6 months into our "relationship" one night he told me he was getting engaged! I was crushed, couldn't believe it. how in hell that was possible? who was she? where did he meet her? I called on him for his lie and he laughed at me. he asked: "are you jealous?!!!" I was devastated. I couldn't eat, study, go out, anything. my heart was broken for the first time in my life. I failed to get to college that year and I was hopeless. but I survived. little by little I forgot about him and when he called a year later, I wasn't even happy with his call, I was just surprised. we are still in touch to this date (Facebook making it easy). I did not get into a serious relationship until two years ago when I met my current boyfriend and fell for him. this is the second time I'm falling in love and God it's so different. I love everything about him and he is the most wonderful man in the world. this is not a childish and blind love like the other time. this time it is more mature. I can't say this time is forever. I honestly don't know. although we are talking marriage stuff but there are times we are on different pages and that is ok. I get scared sometimes, like now reading Bubble's comment when she said she had to work to provide when her partner was focusing on his art. my Bf is a painter and I think his ultimate dream is to leave work to paint all day long. he has never expressed anything like that and I know he would never make me do anything I don't like but I am so in love with him that I fear someday, seeing him so frustrated, I might suggest that myself and then get bitter and bitter everyday! you see? even now I'm not 100 percent sure. I know I'll be crushed if we broke up. I know I'll go mad, BUT I know, from that experience, that I WILL SURVIVE. and no matter how much time it needs, it will pass. by the way I met my ex 4 months ago. he was a fat drinking guy with an expensive car, no job, no secondary education and living on his parents' money. he complained about not finding the right girl and all girls being sluts and the good ones being already taken. I asked him where he looked for a proper woman and what he answered was: I don't know, clubs, parties, streets!!! THANK GOD HE GOT RID OF ME!
matoad matoad 3 years
I went through a tough breakup like this a few years ago. It took a really long time to get over it altogether (about 3 years in my case), but the awesome thing when you come out of it is that you realize you know yourself and your life story a lot less than you thought. Being depressed about the present and the future just means that you think you know what's going to happen, you think you know who's 'your soulmate' etc. But you don't really and once you can see that, it makes life a whole lot more exciting. Also, I used that time to ask myself every time I felt sad: 'Why am I so unhappy being alone with myself? Why does that other person seem like the easiest/only way to be 'happy'? What did I get out of that relationship that I can't find for myself?' That really helped me become a 'rounder' and more peaceful personality, and when eventually a new relationship came along I was in way better shape to be superhappy about it and not mess it up in stupid ways. Finally, I'd say don't allow yourself to think you could go back. Even if you guys should end up together a long way down the road, you need to change thoroughly if you don't want the same outcome. So it's almost like meeting a new person anyways, and the chances of you guys developing at exactly the right pace to 'meet all over again' are so slim that you better forget about them and concentrate on getting yourself better. So, do not think you could make the pain go away by getting back with that person, in my experience that just draws out the process. They may (or may not) be awesome, but they're clearly not the right fit for you, and funny enough the fact that it hurts so much just shows that you guys didn't have a dynamic that makes you grow happily. Hope this helps, hang in there, it really can make you a happier person in the long run!
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
Henna I risked a TMI (sorry for the book all) because I thought it was only fair to show I wasn't different from anyone else who writes, falling for Mr. Wrong, not wanting to see the warning signs, and missing him anyway.
constancemstringer constancemstringer 3 years
Hey, em1212 is ON.
em1212 em1212 3 years
I promise you, you'll get past this, even though it may not seem like it now. I went through a similar situation a few years ago and I was devastated, heartbroken, depressed and miserable every single day. I felt like I could barely get up in the morning or get through work, or be alone at night. I'd go through days where I wouldn't want to eat anything, then to a point where all I ate was junk to try and comfort myself. I agonized about what had gone wrong, what was wrong with me, why he didn't want me or what I could do to get him back. I thought about it non stop, and talked about it non stop to anyone that would listen. I swear to you, there does come a day, where one day you'll wake up and the pain won't be quite as sharp. It'll start to fade little by little. Get yourself some self help break up books- i highly recommend "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" and really take the advice they give. Realize you just weren't meant to be with this guy, but it doesn't mean your life is over or that you'll never find someone else. HE wasn't the right one and you can't force someone to love you, or be with you.   For me, one day I woke up and realized I'd gained 20lbs and spent every day in such sadness and cried so many tears over someone who would never love me the way I loved him. I told myself that was it, I couldn't waste precious time and months or years of my life thinking about someone who certainly wasn't thinking about me. That day, I went and got myself a gym membership and committed to going every day. Sure, I hated it and it was hard to get motivated. But going to the gym made me realize how strong I was. I listened to loud angry break up songs, while running or cycling. My body began to change and so did my mind. I found that when I was sweating and working out so hard all I could think about was the workout itself and just pushing myself. There was no time to think about him. I took classes and got to know a lot of people at the gym and made new friends. I met my current boyfriend through the gym and we're getting married next year. I barely even remember what's-his-name now who broke my heart. This relationship is how it's meant to be, and the person I'm meant to be with. I discovered who I am, what I want and what I don't want from that past bad relationship and break up. It was just a learning experience and got me to where I am now. If I'd never broken up with what's-his-name I'd still be sad and would never have met Mr.Right. Just give it time, and know you're a wonderful person who has so much to offer the world, and the right man. If workouts aren't your thing, why  not volunteer doing something you love? help kids, help animals, help seniors. You'll be so busy being involved with them, you won't have time to think about the pain. You'll look back on this one day and wonder why you ever cried so many tears over this guy. He certainly isn't worth it. Mark my words
constancemstringer constancemstringer 3 years
Hi ...this is trauma and should be treated with some personal gentleness.  body, soul, spirit have been hurt.  please try to keep hydrated and treat yourself ilke you have the flu!  try to find a good thing in life and cling to it.  infidelity was the problem for my past.  this seemed to take all personal power from me.  so take good precautions to be safe and not do anything stupid or bad for your health.  life goes on with or with out you. today!!!! pay your bills, eat light, rest, go to a yoga class, take all Your Stuff out.   burn his picture with a good friend-save the ashes in a beautiful glass jar-look at them- and fertilize a new pot of flowers when you are ready to give up the ashes.  at the "burning "  speak a blessing over him and let him go.  bless your self .  this is cleansing.  old testament bible was where my friend got this.  bless her heart.  you will be better.  see what you learned and don't look back.
appleathome appleathome 3 years
Break ups are hard and there is no other solution than time. Time will heal everything. Of course you have to do other things like spending most of your time with friends, play sports go out, stay inside watch movies etc. Just remember everything is going to be OK. It might be still early for you to start a relationship with someone but take your time and you;ll see it is going to be ok.
missmaryb missmaryb 3 years
Loved the stories :) I fell in love for the first time when I was 18 (almost 19). He was 23...kind of a scandal. It was the summer before my sophomore year of college. We had been close friends for a couple of years. We ran into each other and went for a drive. I leaned over to kiss him on the cheek and he surprised me with a kiss on the mouth. I was so shocked, but he had always told me he could see himself married to me someday and I had always had a crush on him. Since we already knew each other so well, things progressed quickly and I fell head over heels. I went back to college and he was sent half way across the country for a job training of some sort. He would be gone 10 weeks. We wrote and called, and things seemed fine. I went home one weekend and almost died when I saw him sitting at the end of the bar! He was supposed to be in Texas. The first thing he said was, "I quit my job." He was really depressed and anxious, not himself at all. He would not return my phone calls all weekend. He finally told me he'd see me Sunday, before I left for school. He picked me up, we drove around, then he parked the car. And then he proceeded to tell me that we were in 2 different places in life, I was still in college party mode and he was trying to find himself and his place in life post-college. He told me it was over and not to contact him again. Of course I tried and he put me in my place. I never tried again. I saw him one more time, at the mall. He was with the girl he would eventually marry. We said hello and that was it. He ended up finding his place in life, and lives about 15 minutes away in beautiful house with his beautiful, wife and 2 beautiful children. I've never run into him again though. I mourned for a long time, longer than I should have. I still think about him and wonder what I'd say if I saw him again. You never really lose that first love and nothing ever compares to it. I never found anything like it again, not even with the man I married. But I did move on and it's not ruined me emotionally. You will heal too. But if you find that you are really struggling, go talk to someone...a professional. It is often helpful to pour out your emotions to a neutral third party and a professional could give you coping strategies. Good luck.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
Well, I'm not really up for giving all of the details, and I think Bubbles is incredibly generous to share her story. I will say that my worst breakup was my last and it broke my heart, and my hope. I was living, for the summer, in a tent, in the campground that was my second home. I was dating a man I'd been interested in for years, and with whom I'd had a casual friendship for years. Well, he was the wrong guy and I fell hard for all of the wrong reasons, and of course it didn't work. I knew I wasn't going to die, but I sure didn't want to keep trying to live my life. I remember the night where I didn't get any sleep and found the darkness so soothing, something I could hide in....and I hated watching the light start to seep into the morning. I did not want to get up and move and face my life or anything else. However, what saved me, is that I had just started a new job running a small kitchen and that gave me a place I had to be, and an intense focus I couldn't ignore. I was faced with a new space, new people, a new menu to learn.....I had not time to think about him or us while I worked. And I was tired when work was over. Which helped......Don't get me wrong....this took me forever to get over....the love for this guy, my disappointment and bitterness....my resentment that I had given so much and felt so shortchanged by someone who took and didn't want to give back. I eventually realized that I had ignored all of my own warning signals and instincts...I just didn't want to hear the front of my brain telling me that I was making a mistake, and even when I finally admitted to myself that all of the info and behavior was there to warn me, I still had a rough time letting ago of my anger....it was so much easier to be mad at him than at myself. After all, if I admitted it was me, then I'd have to do the work on myself that I was avoiding in the first place when I ignored all of the obvious signals. Ah well. Hindsight may be 20/20, but that doesn't make it easier to accept responsibility for what's right and wrong in my life. I'm usually a person with a positive attitude, cheerful, and accepting of difficulties....a try to be a problem solver.....but this relationship threw me for a loop for a long, long time. Add to that, the most beautiful blue eyes any man has ever had, and heritage including cherokee and irish with the gorgeous bones to go with it, and the loooong, curly dark hair........there are reasons I won't go into all of the details...it's still too hard remember it all....ah well..... It's been hard work to be truthful with myself, really hard. Took me a long time to be attracted to another man, but I got there. :) I'm not in a committed romantic relationship right now....my life is incredibly busy, and full of challenge.....but that doesn't mean I don't find time to date, or appreciate a signifcant lech from time to time :) Wonderful men are out there, and I enjoy finding them. Actually, I really enjoy the men in my life....and love meeting new ones. As you can probably see, from this site, I love to talk, and I enjoy meeting new people....and when that special spark happens from time to time, it's still an tingly, exciting adventure to see where it may go, even here in my middle age :) Darlin' you are going through something we all go through. And it sucks for all us, no matter if it's our first or last great love. Moving on from it is a choice. A hard, hard decision that takes determination and, for me, some serious physical outlet that will exhaust me with an intense focus, a need to learn something new, and the refusal to let this disappointment steal my hope. " Hope is the thing with wings....." I got tired of not flying any more and have slowly found my way back into the air....this site has been one of the things that's helped me continue to work through a very difficult time (not romantic difficult, but life....) So thanks for offering another opportunity for me to reach out and express. You can do this! But you have to decide to do it. You'll have a whole lot of us here rooting for you. take good care, blessed be
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
First, I am so sorry. Consider it a rite of passage that is making you that much more humane, empathetic and compassionate. Your future kids will need you to remember how hard it is, they'll probably go through it too :) You should share your story if you haven't already. And your not alone if its taking awhile. If you do a search on reunited first loves you see how powerful that bond is. I am indeed older and here is my story: He wasn't my first lover but he was the first one I truly fell in love with at eighteen. We both felt it at the same time. Sitting together at a park, overlooking the ocean as he drew and I simply pondered. I felt nothing for him really before then. It felt like a figure eight of energy wrapped us together and suddenly I understood the sensation of 'falling in love' -- it was incredible. He much later told me the same story, he had felt the same thing. He was ten years older, calm and kind with his Southern politeness and respect, a very cute musician who played for tourists in a tropical paradise, who always made just enough to live on, and not an ambitious bone in his body. A woman tried to warn me he was a playboy but he was so shy and kind I couldn't imagine him chasing after women and treating them poorly. I should have listened. We all think we're different, that he'd never do that to us. We moved in together after a few years. Madly in love. I thought that was it for the rest of my life. He once asked to support me and I giggled and said he couldn't in the manner I wished to become accustom. I thought it was funny, but it was mean. So when I was the only one who paid the bills at first I was sure that was temporary. He took woodworking classes. I thought we were building for our future, and he'd start a business. My friend was ultimately right. Shyness was part of his handsome draw, he didn't chase after the women, they chased after him but of course he encouraged it mightily. Almost three years into our relationship when I realized he was interested back and felt the inkling I was being used, I insisted he find a job or move out, confident he'd just get a job. He told me I was no longer the sweet eighteen year old he knew (I was indeed growing up) and he left. I was devastated. In our last argument he punched me for the first and only time, in the chest. How wonderful could I be if he chose leaving me over doing what he had always done before me -- earn a living? I was confused, hurt and ashamed. But knew that his decision said he didn't really care. I drove him to the airport even (ugh I should have just throw his stuff out). When I got back home I sat on the floor and cried. For hours. It was all I could do. "At least the floor can hold me up, so I don't need to do anything" I thought. My mom came over, found me on the floor and took me in her arms and comforted me. I sobbed until I was done, and then she said brightly, "Let's go shopping!" I needed to get out. I love her so much for all of that. I didn't think it would ever happen again and felt just...unlovable and hopeless. Luckily his hitting me gave me the courage to stay away. He'd write and hint he'd come back or sound romantic, but I shut him down. We saw each other once more years later for lunch when he was in town. I was about to get married, he was about to cast his first major bronze. I was appalled though, he had become fixated on eighteen year old girls. He didn't do that before me, I had met a lot of his past girlfriends and they were his age. I did talk with him one more time about 12 years later. This time he was married. The first thing he said to me was "Are you married? Because I'm am and I'm miserable." He said he married her out of pity because her first husband was a drug addict and she was struggling with two (uh-oh) beautiful pre-teen girls. He complained about her throughout our conversation. I saw a picture of her, she was adorable. They had a son and she also ran the business so he could focus on making sculpture. They were successful and lived on 40 acres close to where Oprah lived. I told him I was happy and shut down the flirtation but I admit I was flattered he seemed to miss me -- dangerous. However I was so grateful I was not the wife he was complaining about, I knew I would have been. We were all there for his use. After he left me years before I counted up his share of expenses and told him I wanted him to pay me back, and of course he never did. As he bragged to me about his new wealth he didn't mention owing me money. He also never apologized. There were things I needed to apologize for, and I did. On his resume he doesn't even mention the education I paid for. It's amazing how the surface can hide a character, it takes time to see it. My regret in what I did after was rebound, rebound and rebound again. I couldn't recapture the magic and I shouldn't have tried. That happened on its own and in the meantime I broke hearts trying to fill a space. I've had to apologize to them over the years. You broke up for a reason. I don't know what yours is, but there is a man out there you just feel "the groove" -- and it just works! You don't question your feelings, you don't fight all the time or obsess about what he does and you believe he has your back. Things just work. Stuff comes up and it takes work sure, but the foundation is solid. You feel happy, you make him happy. Now you might have work to become a person capable of giving what you want yourself, so use the time you have for that now. But wait for the next time you feel the zing to get involved! It's totally worth it.
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