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I Was Stood Up By My Best Friend!

Dear Sugar--

This past weekend I got irritated with my best friend. I am starting to date this new guy, who my friend supposedly loves for me, but whenever I ask her to go out with us, like to a club or bar, she always makes up an excuse as to why she can't go or just won't answer my calls/texts. She has a boyfriend, and I completely respect that, and I ask both of them to go, but she never ends up coming out. I have expressed how much I want her to get to know my new boyfriend, but she doesn't budge.

Another thing that irritates me is that when we do go out, it is always wherever she wants to go. I have just had enough of it and this weekend I told her that I thought what she was doing was really unfair, rude, and cruel. I told her that in a friendship, you have to give and take, something she clearly doesn't understand. So after I blew up and told her how I felt, she told me that she *supposedly* had no money which is why she can't go out and that she wasn't interested in being with me if I was going to be mean to her.

This girl has supposedly been my best friend since we were 8 (we are both 22 now), and I've realized that everything always has to be about her. When she started dating her boyfriend, I went out of my way to hang out with them so I could get to know the man who my best friend was dating, and all I am asking is her to do the same for me. Am I overreacting? What do I do?? Please help!!

-- Stood Up by my Best Friend Stephanie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Stood Up by my Best Friend Stephanie--

Although this is your best friend, it sounds like you two aren't on the same page here about what a friendship is supposed to be. I would be upset too if my "best friend" was acting selfish and unsupportive. It's great that you wanted to tell her how you felt, but since you were so upset and "blew up," I'm sure she felt attacked and then acted defensively.

I think you need to have a girls' night out without your boyfriends. You have been best friends since you were 8 years old (aww), so you obviously have a deep history. Invite her to dinner and have a heart-to-heart chat about what's going on with her, with you, and between the two of you. If you're worried you might "blow up" again, write down your thoughts and feelings so you can express them calmly. Since it's just the two of you, she'll be able to tell you how she's feeling and give you real reasons why she won't hang out with you and your new man. You may find out something surprising behind her distance.

I had a friend in high school that was very selfish, we always had to do what she wanted to do and talk about her problems. Our one-sided friendship became too much for me; I was giving too much and not getting anything back in return, so I stopped hanging out with her. After you talk to your friend, if things don't change (because of her selfish personality), you may find that drifting apart is the best thing for you. Good luck Stephanie!

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tati33 tati33 8 years
I agree with DEARSugar and Marci...talk to her one on one and see what's up. if you don't see clearly after that..you know it might not be the right thing..maybe something is going on behind the scene that you don't know..but you do def need some girl time together..
kendalheart kendalheart 8 years
Def need to start making an effort for the two of you time! Also, is there any reason that she may not like your new beau??
hyacinthgirl hyacinthgirl 8 years
I went through pretty much the same thing. She got a new boyfriend, and to hang out with her, I always had to be the third wheel. Anyway, I ended up blowing up on her too, and that was the end of the friendship. I much lonlier now, but much happier.
Hope5 Hope5 8 years
I agree with DearSugar on this one!
andaman andaman 8 years
It doesn't matter how long you have known this chick. People change all the time and obviously she has changed in a big way. I have had a friend like this and I quietly disappeared from her. I didn't fight nor did I explain myself to her. I was just sick of hearing about how she couldn't make it cause she had no money (which wasn't true anyway in my case). You are welcome to do what I did. But if you want to get it out of your chest, tell her you feel very disappointed cause you have known her for so long and you value your friendship. I think your friend is just very selfish and you can't change her. You just have to let her go.
junebrug junebrug 8 years
I agree that you need to get to the bottom of it with her alone. If you invited her alone, I could totally understand how she didn't want to be a 3rd wheel, but if you are inviting her and and her boyfriend, that can be eliminated. It's possible she really is struggling financially right now and didn't want to tell you about it. You know her better than we ever could. But if this is someone who always has to have her way, no matter what, you may want to move on. If that's the case, she may be jealous of your boyfriend that suddenly you are listening to someone else and spending time with someone else besides her. I'd be sure what's going on in her head though by talking to her before making any final decisions.
Marci Marci 8 years
I'm with Dear on this one. You need to do a girls night out and find out what's up. I also agree that if things don't change after that, then don't even make plans with her. You sound like the only one who's bothered by this so if talking it out doesn't do the trick, c'est la vie. Move on.
honey31 honey31 8 years
Dont ask her out anymore!
Nicadema Nicadema 8 years
Well good luck on working things out. Sometimes when you start out as friends at a young age, it's difficult to weather all of the changes you face as you grow into adult individuals. I was 7 when I met my best friend. I am now 35. That is 28 years that I have known her. It almost becomes like a marriage. You have to work on it. In truth we have really started to grow apart in the last 4 years. We have grown into such different women and there may come a day when we no longer speak. That may sound sad--but people change and not everyone is meant to be a part of your life for the majority of your life. To be honest--my real best friend now is another old friend of mine I have known since high school. My friend of 28 years also has an old high school buddy that she is closer with. And..that's OK. Life goes on--and you will make new friends, get back with old ones...it is a constant cycle. There is nothing wrong with going your own way for a while. True friends always have a way of popping back into your life when it's time. Life is about growing into the best person you can be, and surrounding yourself with supportive people on your general wave length. If you need to back off and do your own thing without her while she figures out her own life, do it.
tiffsniff tiffsniff 8 years
I hate going out with my best friend and her latest guy if it's just the 3 of us. It could be that your friend just doesn't want to get in the way of your getting to know your new guy better, too. I agree - ask her to do something one-on-one. My BF and I went through this, and once we talked it out, it was fine. She doesn't ask me to come be a 3rd wheel, but we make it a priority to still spend time together. Guys come and go, but we'll be close forever. If you've been close for as long as you say, I doubt that she's overnight become a horrible friend. Talk to her and see why she won't join you, rather than making assumptions about her motives.
Lagasse2005 Lagasse2005 8 years
There's a few things to consider here, is she gonna be a 3rd wheel? Do you and your new beau still make way too much googly eyes at each other while her and her man are past that in their relationship? We stopped going out w/my bro in law because of stuff like that, it's sucky but it could account for her actions. Maybe she's trying to choose places that won't encourage certain behaviors, or maybe she sucks at life... either way best of luck to you making new friends or keeping the old!
smp7328 smp7328 8 years
I think that sitting down and talking it out just the two of you is the way to go. DEARSUGAR is totally right. I have been on the the giving side of many one-sided friendships and it is just sucky and stressful. Hopefully this talk will help you to both get your feelings out and smooth things over. If not, you will be better off knowing now than having to carry the friendship by yourself for a long time to come. Good luck Stephanie!
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