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I Want Another Woman's Boyfriend

Group Therapy: I Want Another Woman's Boyfriend

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Don't get me wrong. I would NEVER ever do anything to come between them or let my feelings be known in any way while they are together. In fact the ironic thing was that if he were to show any interest in me at all while in a relationship with his girlfriend, he would lose all appeal to me. We've been friends for a few years now, and even though the contact has been sporadic, on some level I've always had feelings for him that I was too chickensh*t to admit even to myself.

I don't think the feelings are only on my end either, as one time he got drunk and told me that he loved me, and that my boyfriend at the time was a jerk (he was and I'm sorry I never told him I loved him back out of my displaced sense of loyalty to my douche of an ex). This was a long time ago, so his feelings might have changed, but it's a memory I have really clung to. He's recently started a relationship with a woman and for some reason it's all I can think about, which I find strange because I was never like this when he was seeing his last girlfriend. I think it might be because this one seems a bit more serious, and I'm really uncomfortable about it because I have always felt like he was someone I could really end up with if there was less distance between us (I'm a student and he's in the military and based a loooong ways away).

I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to calm down about this. I don't like that I'm having feelings for another woman's guy, and I especially don't like that his month-long relationship with this girl has me convinced that all hope is lost for me, and they will be married and live happily ever after while I adopt dozens of cats and die alone in a hideous tracksuit.

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Burkina Burkina 5 years
I think you should tell him how you feel. Telling someone you have feelings for them and cheating are two different things. What he chooses to do with the information is up to him.
testadura67 testadura67 5 years
It sounds like you're still angry at your ex for whatever he did and you're projecting what you wish you could have on this guy because he's safe to like because you can't have him, whether it's because he's taken or because he lives "a looooooong ways away". You can't control your feelings, but you can control your thoughts. Recognize your feelings for him are a reaction to something else, and focus your thoughts on healing and moving on. With time, it'll happen.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Don't worry. You can get some really cute tracksuits out there. And they don't all say PINK on the butt. ;) I'm kidding!It's easy to fall in love with someone who lives far away and has a romantic job and no obligations to you. You have no idea what Mr. Soldier guy is like day to day. Or, as far as I can tell, even if he's fun on a date. This other girl is much better for him because she's (I assume) local and has had a chance to get to know him. The real him.If fantasizing about him helps you get through school, great. But don't plan your future around a concept so unconnected to reality. It's much more likely you'll get through school, start a job, and meet a great guy, break up, meet another great guy, break up, meet another great guy, have a great relationship, break up, meet another great guy, have a great relationship, get married or otherwise permanently committed, and this time instead of breaking up you grow old together, wearing matching tracksuits at your retirement community and tending your passel of cats happily into the sunset. Or something like that.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Don't worry. You can get some really cute tracksuits out there. And they don't all say PINK on the butt. ;) I'm kidding! It's easy to fall in love with someone who lives far away and has a romantic job and no obligations to you. You have no idea what Mr. Soldier guy is like day to day. Or, as far as I can tell, even if he's fun on a date. This other girl is much better for him because she's (I assume) local and has had a chance to get to know him. The real him. If fantasizing about him helps you get through school, great. But don't plan your future around a concept so unconnected to reality. It's much more likely you'll get through school, start a job, and meet a great guy, break up, meet another great guy, break up, meet another great guy, have a great relationship, break up, meet another great guy, have a great relationship, get married or otherwise permanently committed, and this time instead of breaking up you grow old together, wearing matching tracksuits at your retirement community and tending your passel of cats happily into the sunset. Or something like that.
sourcherry sourcherry 5 years
You're completely romanticizing the whole thing. If you like him so much you'd probably have this dilemma when he told you he loved you. But since you were happy at the time with another guy you brushed him off. And now, because there is no other guy in your life, you're convincing yourself that he's the one. I bet that if you start dating, after a few months you'll realize that you're exaggerating a bit. That yeah, you had chemistry, but he's not "the one that got away", that there's plenty of other guys that could make you happy.That's my bet anyway, and it wouldn't hurt to try it. =) Right now, time is the only thing that can give you some perspective on this.
sourcherry sourcherry 5 years
You're completely romanticizing the whole thing. If you like him so much you'd probably have this dilemma when he told you he loved you. But since you were happy at the time with another guy you brushed him off. And now, because there is no other guy in your life, you're convincing yourself that he's the one. I bet that if you start dating, after a few months you'll realize that you're exaggerating a bit. That yeah, you had chemistry, but he's not "the one that got away", that there's plenty of other guys that could make you happy. That's my bet anyway, and it wouldn't hurt to try it. =) Right now, time is the only thing that can give you some perspective on this.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
lol, maybe it is a terrible idea. It just seems like she's going to keep pining away over this friendship (that isn't really a platonic friendship), and if he told her straight up he was no longer interested that would wrap things up and everyone could move on. Maybe I've just been with my boyfriend for so long that the idea of another woman telling him she had feelings for him just seems kind of silly, and I can't imagine it actually starting any drama between us. I guess things are different early on when everything is so uncertain.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
lol, maybe it is a terrible idea. It just seems like she's going to keep pining away over this friendship (that isn't really a platonic friendship), and if he told her straight up he was no longer interested that would wrap things up and everyone could move on. Maybe I've just been with my boyfriend for so long that the idea of another woman telling him she had feelings for him just seems kind of silly, and I can't imagine it actually starting any drama between us. I guess things are different early on when everything is so uncertain.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
hm... i might get slammed for saying this, but I kind of think you should tell him how you feel. He might feel rejected since you never said you loved him back. True he has a girlfriend, but it's just a girlfriend of one month. He's not exactly married. And if he has stronger feelings for you, wouldn't that girlfriend WANT him to leave her so she could move on? That said, telling him comes with the caveat that if you put it out there and he's like "i really value your friendship but i'm with so-and-so," then you kind of have to shut it down. Stop talking to him and end the "friendship" so you an move on with your life.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
hm... i might get slammed for saying this, but I kind of think you should tell him how you feel. He might feel rejected since you never said you loved him back. True he has a girlfriend, but it's just a girlfriend of one month. He's not exactly married. And if he has stronger feelings for you, wouldn't that girlfriend WANT him to leave her so she could move on? That said, telling him comes with the caveat that if you put it out there and he's like "i really value your friendship but i'm with so-and-so," then you kind of have to shut it down. Stop talking to him and end the "friendship" so you an move on with your life.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
Don't get sucked into the negativity of what you can't have! Step away from the "coulda, shoulda, woulda" mentality and start looking ahead. Read books, start a garden, start dating lots of other guys, whatever you wanna do to take your mind off it. You're going to drive yourself nuts if you let yourself pine away for a guy who is starting a serious relationship with another woman.
searching-soul searching-soul 5 years
Maybe if you put some distance between the two of you, that might help. It's absolutely okay to have your feelings but you don't want to put yourself in a position where you might act on them and really hurt someone else. sometimes peoples feelings can overwhelm them and cause them to act in ways they normally would not. Focus on the other more positive aspects of your life and when you are ready put yourself out there and mingle. With time, you'll eventually care for someone else. Don't pine away for him and put your life on hold. I'm sure you deserve better than that.
talanted08 talanted08 5 years
^^Correct Pistil.... Why do men/women want what they can't have?? Let him be and if this women doesn't work out then give him a call! If you stay in touch like you clam then there shouldn't be a problem with you knowing about his relationship coming to an end! Don't walk around here like your a man stealer b/c your placing your self in that category! Men come a dime a dozen and if you find someone else that has some qualities like this man your longing for, then what are you going to do?! Would you take him for now just to cover that comfort your wanting?! But when the one your really lusting for ends his relationship then does this mean your going to end yours as well! Think about your actions and emotions b/c they could put you in a bad situation you wasn't planning on being involved in!
Pistil Pistil 5 years
I disagree. That ship has sailed. Leave him alone, unless he is no longer in a relationship, but then I hope you're not still pining away for him.You just need to get him out of your head. Find something tangible to invest yourself in (a hobby, work, school, friends, family, a guy who is available), instead of this "would have been, could have been" nonsense.
Pistil Pistil 5 years
I disagree. That ship has sailed. Leave him alone, unless he is no longer in a relationship, but then I hope you're not still pining away for him. You just need to get him out of your head. Find something tangible to invest yourself in (a hobby, work, school, friends, family, a guy who is available), instead of this "would have been, could have been" nonsense.
lexib1994 lexib1994 5 years
I am the same way. Maybe you just built up an illusion of this guy? It's a possibility. I mean, what it looks like through the window doesn't really portray it's reality. Or maybe you really, truely love him. Simply give it time girl! Everything comes to an end eventually. If they don't break up anytime soon, just let him know exactly how you feel without trying to replace his girlfriend. Just lay out all your cards on the table so he can make the decision without pressure from either party. If youhonestly believe he is the one for you, state your case! Cause if you don't you may possibly regret it later down the road and you might not be able to forgive yourself. Even if you do not end up with the man, you don't have to live up to the cliche' of a lonely women with a bunch of cats! You are an independent women! There is much more to life than love. You may not see it now because your judgement is impaired by this predicament but in time you will. Also, there's a possibility you will find another guy eventually. Although, to you he won't be what you initially wanted but at least you won't be alone. If this man with a girlfriend is seriously causing you this much stress, then you must act now like i said before! Nothing is worse then wasted time! Good luck!
lexib1994 lexib1994 5 years
I am the same way. Maybe you just built up an illusion of this guy? It's a possibility. I mean, what it looks like through the window doesn't really portray it's reality. Or maybe you really, truely love him. Simply give it time girl! Everything comes to an end eventually. If they don't break up anytime soon, just let him know exactly how you feel without trying to replace his girlfriend. Just lay out all your cards on the table so he can make the decision without pressure from either party. If you honestly believe he is the one for you, state your case! Cause if you don't you may possibly regret it later down the road and you might not be able to forgive yourself. Even if you do not end up with the man, you don't have to live up to the cliche' of a lonely women with a bunch of cats! You are an independent women! There is much more to life than love. You may not see it now because your judgement is impaired by this predicament but in time you will. Also, there's a possibility you will find another guy eventually. Although, to you he won't be what you initially wanted but at least you won't be alone. If this man with a girlfriend is seriously causing you this much stress, then you must act now like i said before! Nothing is worse then wasted time! Good luck!
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
What's wrong with cats? I like cats.Seriously, there are a thousand men out there perfect for you. so, don't focus on one that raises issues. Just look for something that fits.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
What's wrong with cats? I like cats. Seriously, there are a thousand men out there perfect for you. so, don't focus on one that raises issues. Just look for something that fits.
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