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I Want Husband to Ask For Divorce

Sunday Confessional: I'm Lonely

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

I live alone . . . in a house full of people. 

Long time married with an adult parent and child (eternal student).  Sex is non-existent and has been for many years.  Spouse is in bed by 8.  I usually eat alone as child is on the computer 24/7 seemingly.  Adult parent is really a child but mostly stays in their apartment in the lower level.  So why am I still in this cage?  Money is a big part.  Commitments made another.  I wish my spouse would ask for a divorce. 

There's lots of great stuff going on in our community — join it, check it out, share your posts or advice in the great groups, and maybe we'll feature it here on TrèsSugar!

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dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
You know what a lost cause is? It means you have something you want to do, but you never do anything about it. Like when your thirsty but you don't get up and get any water. You're hungry but you don't get anything to eat. Instead you sit there thirsty and hungry. You know what? Take the computer away. Ask you husband out on a date. Help your child with homework and lay two baseball tickets on the keyboard. Just do something for cryin out loud.
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 5 years
You sound miserable in your situation but ambivalent about changing it. As others have said, you need to decide what you want to do and then assert yourself and do it. From your description, I would guess that everyone in your house is feeling lonely and isolated. You can either try to reach out to the other members of your household, or you can try to find a way out of the situation. Honestly, it doesn't sound to me like you want a divorce if you're not even willing to speak up about that. What have you tried to make this situation work? You cannot control other people, but you can control yourself and right now it seems like your choice has been to sit down and let all of this happen to you. You're feeling sorry for yourself, and while you certainly have that right, wallowing in self-pity is not going to make your circumstances any better.
vabeachbum vabeachbum 5 years
I moved back in with my parents briefly after grad school because I was dirt broke and had no money for a down payment... but I was not living off them for free. I paid rent, paid for my own groceries, cooked my own meals, was responsible for cleaning my bathroom, etc. If you want to encourage your child to move on, I would start making them pay rent and help with some things around the house. When I was in school, I had my own apartment... I know many people who worked and went to school at the same time, so there is no reason your child shouldn't at least be able to get a job to help out with household expenses. If you have been doing their laundry, cleaning for them, etc stop! Why would they if they have a built in cook/laundress/housekeeper plus free housing? Make him or her take some responsibility and maybe that will help them move on. And if you really want a divorce, it does not have to be expensive. I do not know where you live, but there should be someplace you can go to get a lawyer who will either take you on pro-bono or on a sliding scale based on your income. If you live in the south, you can contact the Southern Poverty Law Center. Don't be put off by the name... my dad referred one of my friends there for his divorce just because he could not afford a lawyer otherwise.
vabeachbum vabeachbum 5 years
I moved back in with my parents briefly after grad school because I was dirt broke and had no money for a down payment... but I was not living off them for free. I paid rent, paid for my own groceries, cooked my own meals, was responsible for cleaning my bathroom, etc. If you want to encourage your child to move on, I would start making them pay rent and help with some things around the house. When I was in school, I had my own apartment... I know many people who worked and went to school at the same time, so there is no reason your child shouldn't at least be able to get a job to help out with household expenses. If you have been doing their laundry, cleaning for them, etc stop! Why would they if they have a built in cook/laundress/housekeeper plus free housing? Make him or her take some responsibility and maybe that will help them move on. And if you really want a divorce, it does not have to be expensive. I do not know where you live, but there should be someplace you can go to get a lawyer who will either take you on pro-bono or on a sliding scale based on your income. If you live in the south, you can contact the Southern Poverty Law Center. Don't be put off by the name... my dad referred one of my friends there for his divorce just because he could not afford a lawyer otherwise.
Choco-cat Choco-cat 5 years
it's always so easy to fix other people's lives, isn't it. i do understand, it's hard to take a leap that may totally change your life. i would suggest that you first think, hard, about what you want to do - do you want to end things with your husband? do you want to work things out with your husband? if you want to end things, it sounds like you may be the one that needs to do it. try bouncing what you want to say off a close friend or family member or therapist. if you want to work things out, perhaps you could suggest the two of you see a therapist together. regarding your child, is s/he in college and living at home? always on the computer? maybe s/he is suffering from loneliness too, have you tried reaching out? if your child is older and causing stress, you might want to suggest s/he find her/his own place (or pays you rent - as a sort of kick-in-the-butt move). the parent thing is hard. i know a lot of people are finding themselves taking care/living with parents when they weren't expecting to. is it posible for the parent to move into an assisted living home? or a different child's house?it is really hard when you feel stuck, but work really hard to change something - take some sort of baby step in the direction you want to go. i definitely do recommend seeing a therapist. good luck.
Choco-cat Choco-cat 5 years
it's always so easy to fix other people's lives, isn't it. i do understand, it's hard to take a leap that may totally change your life. i would suggest that you first think, hard, about what you want to do - do you want to end things with your husband? do you want to work things out with your husband? if you want to end things, it sounds like you may be the one that needs to do it. try bouncing what you want to say off a close friend or family member or therapist. if you want to work things out, perhaps you could suggest the two of you see a therapist together. regarding your child, is s/he in college and living at home? always on the computer? maybe s/he is suffering from loneliness too, have you tried reaching out? if your child is older and causing stress, you might want to suggest s/he find her/his own place (or pays you rent - as a sort of kick-in-the-butt move). the parent thing is hard. i know a lot of people are finding themselves taking care/living with parents when they weren't expecting to. is it posible for the parent to move into an assisted living home? or a different child's house? it is really hard when you feel stuck, but work really hard to change something - take some sort of baby step in the direction you want to go. i definitely do recommend seeing a therapist. good luck.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
You have options. If your life is sucking this bad, why don't you ask for the divorce? Your life is still salvageable, it doesn't have to remain lonely and empty. Take control and good luck.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
You have options. If your life is sucking this bad, why don't <i>you</i> ask for the divorce? Your life is still salvageable, it doesn't have to remain lonely and empty. Take control and good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Wake up because you have options. Stir the pot. What are you doing so unhappy for years and sexless and you don't say or do anything? Have you tried at all, or are you just giving up? You're the parent, so if you're not keen on your child's activity, well, assert yourself. Remember, that computer probably came out of your pocket, ha, it's actually YOURS, if s/he won't even compromise to spend his/her time off computer, then bye bye computer. (That's just an example)Same goes with your hub, tell him you miss the intimacy, try to rekindle, unless you guys are 'done' with each other emotionally, then in that case, you may want to talk about divorce or separation, just put it on the table, if you guys don't have the money to divorce (it can happen), at least you guys need to address your status and have a good adult talk to each other. But yah, staying in the status quo is a sad way to live. Go make your move. If you feel depressed and such, try to find a counselor (if you have health insurance that can cover it). Find a local support group, sometimes they have one that can cater (close) to your needs. Just break the loneliness by taking concrete action, you'll feel something and it'll be more than just lonely.Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Wake up because you have options. Stir the pot. What are you doing so unhappy for years and sexless and you don't say or do anything? Have you tried at all, or are you just giving up? You're the parent, so if you're not keen on your child's activity, well, assert yourself. Remember, that computer probably came out of your pocket, ha, it's actually YOURS, if s/he won't even compromise to spend his/her time off computer, then bye bye computer. (That's just an example) Same goes with your hub, tell him you miss the intimacy, try to rekindle, unless you guys are 'done' with each other emotionally, then in that case, you may want to talk about divorce or separation, just put it on the table, if you guys don't have the money to divorce (it can happen), at least you guys need to address your status and have a good adult talk to each other. But yah, staying in the status quo is a sad way to live. Go make your move. If you feel depressed and such, try to find a counselor (if you have health insurance that can cover it). Find a local support group, sometimes they have one that can cater (close) to your needs. Just break the loneliness by taking concrete action, you'll feel something and it'll be more than just lonely. Good luck.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
Likety- you have NO proof her husband is getting sex somewhere else, and at this point it doesn't matter. The writer of this post wants out-period.Poster- Talk to your spouse about how you feel. If you want to reconcile with him, then try. If you don't, then discuss separation. You should try to eat dinner with your child, not while he or she is on computer. Try to plan family nights, where you, parents and child (even spouse if he's interested) can be together. Watch a movie or play a board game. It sounds hokey, but its actually really fun. My boyfriend and I play board games as a way to save money. We also try local season activities as a way to spend time together but cut back on money. It's cheaper to go and pick apples or fly a kite together than to go out for an expensive dinner and then to a place to drink and dance.Join a cheap gym where you may make some new girlfriends while on the elliptical or during a class. Plan a mother and child date.You do have options. I always advice for you to pray about the bigger issues like divorce first. I wouldn't be giving good advice if I didn't. If your husband is not meeting you half way in the relationship he is breaking his wedding vows to! Um, how come no one remembers the vows about honoring and cherishing????Don't be afraid to live the life that you truly want!! Plus, having a shitty marriage is a bad example for your child.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
Likety- you have NO proof her husband is getting sex somewhere else, and at this point it doesn't matter. The writer of this post wants out-period. Poster- Talk to your spouse about how you feel. If you want to reconcile with him, then try. If you don't, then discuss separation. You should try to eat dinner with your child, not while he or she is on computer. Try to plan family nights, where you, parents and child (even spouse if he's interested) can be together. Watch a movie or play a board game. It sounds hokey, but its actually really fun. My boyfriend and I play board games as a way to save money. We also try local season activities as a way to spend time together but cut back on money. It's cheaper to go and pick apples or fly a kite together than to go out for an expensive dinner and then to a place to drink and dance. Join a cheap gym where you may make some new girlfriends while on the elliptical or during a class. Plan a mother and child date. You do have options. I always advice for you to pray about the bigger issues like divorce first. I wouldn't be giving good advice if I didn't. If your husband is not meeting you half way in the relationship he is breaking his wedding vows to! Um, how come no one remembers the vows about honoring and cherishing???? Don't be afraid to live the life that you truly want!! Plus, having a shitty marriage is a bad example for your child.
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
I'm betting that your husband is getting sex somewhere else. Men don't go years w/o it. Might be online, might be porn, but he's getting it. If everyone in the house (but you) is getting their needs met, they won't be motivated to change. You can help motivate them by changing yourself. If all meals are at a certain time each day and served only in the dining room there WILL be people at the table. Then you can start a discussion of no longer being willing to live like nothing more than roommates. And if the teen doesn't get on board: them them pay rent and treat it as a renter situation. No paid rent: no power for computer, etc. I disagree that you should feel shame. As women society would like us to feel that when our families aren't what the world or us would have them be. But we deserve credit for going after what WE want after YEARS of trying to take care of everyone else. Now that you know why you're unhappy, I hope you'll take action and make the changes necessary to put a happy you into play. Good luck :)
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
I'm betting that your husband is getting sex somewhere else. Men don't go years w/o it. Might be online, might be porn, but he's getting it. If everyone in the house (but you) is getting their needs met, they won't be motivated to change. You can help motivate them by changing yourself. If all meals are at a certain time each day and served only in the dining room there WILL be people at the table. Then you can start a discussion of no longer being willing to live like nothing more than roommates. And if the teen doesn't get on board: them them pay rent and treat it as a renter situation. No paid rent: no power for computer, etc.I disagree that you should feel shame. As women society would like us to feel that when our families aren't what the world or us would have them be. But we deserve credit for going after what WE want after YEARS of trying to take care of everyone else. Now that you know why you're unhappy, I hope you'll take action and make the changes necessary to put a happy you into play.Good luck :)
stephley stephley 5 years
I have friends & siblings in similar situations, and parts of your situation I share. You don't want to sit down though, and essentially let your life end decades early. What interests you that you can explore on your own - through little, inexpensive steps, like library lectures, a book club etc. If you can't connect with your spouse, how about the child or parent (both of whom very likely feel alone in your house as well)? Can you invite your child out to lunch and say 'we're losing connection and I hate it'? Can you get your hair done, or go on a spa day to remind yourself what it's like to feel good? If you don't like the way your life is going, you've got to be the one to shake it up - and even if money or time is tight, there are ways to do it that will at least let some daylight in.
elramos elramos 5 years
Why are you sitting around wishing your spouse will ask for a divorce? Open your mouth and take control of your own life. You want a divorce? Bring it up yourself. If you yourself don't want to take it that far, then tell your spouse that you're unhappy. Nothing will change for you, you have to change things for yourself.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
What an awful position to be in, how long until your child finishes school? Can your parent live on his/her own? You don't deserve to be in this situation, I hope you find the strength and resources to leave it soon.
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 5 years
Why leave your fate in the hands of someone else? If you tried everything, you talked to him, suggested counselling, etc., and nothing changes, why are you staying? You both committed and somebody isn't holding their part of the deal and doesn't seem to care about you at all. Why would you do all the work? If you tried everything and he doesn't care, just leave. A house can be sold, joint accounts can be split, and no amount of money can give you happiness. Just leave, you have one life to live.
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