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I Want to Move Back Home

Sunday Confessional: I Want to Move Back Home

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

I moved away from home to finish up my bachelors a year ago. My boyfriend at the time moved out here with two of his friends a couple months later and we got engaged. Ever since I have been here I have hated it. It isn't a bad place, actually most people would love to live here, but I just want to go home.

Now more of his friends are moving out here and I'm finishing up my bachelors soon to be moving on to my masters. All I can think about is moving back home. I avoid making friends and I have been doing horrible in school because I am weighed down with depression and anxiety about what to do. He has literally moved five of his friends out here, they quit their jobs, left their girlfriends and packed up to come here (he is in a band, thus... the bandmates).

He absolutely loves it here but I can't stand it. I guess I could go into the reasons I can't stand it. This place is extremely expensive, I have defaulted my credit card and I can't even get approved for a new checking account because I am so far behind on my bills because the cost of living is outrageous. Reason number two, for the first time in my life right before leaving my family finally decided to get along for the first time in many many years and I really just want to spend time with them now, along with many other comforts of home.

I have already decided quietly to myself that I am going to apply for graduate school back home and here and then make the decision as it comes, I just don't want to end my engagement with a man I really love, but I also refuse to compromise my happiness and my success in life because I am so miserable. People have said we could do long distance . . . but for how long? He wants to stay here indefinitely. He already uprooted his life once for me (along with the many other people he brought with him) and I really don't want him to feel like I keep shifting him around . . . but honestly I just can't do it anymore.

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GregS GregS 4 years
heck of a trip, Karlotta! And I agree with you that OP needs to talk with him. At the end of the day, though, there's only one person that needs to be happy, and that's you. There's only one person responsible for making it happen, too, and that's also you. That your bf and his bandmates all moved to your city isn't your problem. They're grownups and are capable of making their own plans and mistakes. Their happiness isn't your responsibility. Like Karlotta said, though. Get involved locally, get a job and start becoming a local.
karlotta karlotta 4 years
Nowhere in your post do you mention talking to him about the fact you hate the place. It seems to me that if you'd made it clear from the get go that you didn't like your new surroundings, maybe he wouldn't have uprooted himself and his friends too. I think it's very nice that you love him and are engaged, but if you're not communicating such a basic sentiment as "I hate where we live", you're not ready for such a big commitment. You should feel free and able to discuss anything that huge with the confidence that it will be heard. So what's stopping you? Or have you talked about it, and your fiancé's been ignoring your complaints? Whichever it is, something's off in the relationship if you're just sitting there suffering in silence, watching him import his band without saying a word. It also sounds like you're making plans to move back home behind his back, and none of this sounds like an open, trusting, healthy relationship. So start there - TALK TO THE GUY. For real. (and calmly, if possible...) A few years ago I left New York to move to France to be with my boyfriend. I hated the town we lived in, with a vengeance. It was boring and stifling and with very little professional opportunities for me; so I decided to bide my time and live with what I could : I made good friends, I worked on my relationship, I took some workshops and joined clubs to strengthen my skills. And I never stopped telling him, I hope we move away when you're ready. Three years later, I live in Amsterdam and am having a blast. The funny thing is, I miss my French friends, and the food - every place you live, you make marks, you build a part of yourself, and it stays in your heart. But it shouldn't prevent you from moving forward.
niccichristine niccichristine 4 years
I feel like the comments above are very disheartening. "There are other fish in the sea", as though love comes to easily. To me this view is the reason why the value of love is continually decreasing, and it's depressing that it is the first thing everyone jumps to. Yes, maybe you don't know what you want.. but in reality a lot of people in their 20's, 30's, and even 40's don't know what they want, and even if you do know what you want there is always this variable called chance. I don't see your location being your issue at all, you have clearly stated that you have hated it since you have gotten there... maybe your initial reaction has molded your continual feeling of homesickness/unhappiness. You need to see things with fresh eyes, take a vacation, clear your mind. Who knows maybe when you are done with your degree he will be ready to move back, it's a new place to him too right now... and if it isn't you guys have already done long distance and maybe it could be something that you could try during your masters. I think that it is absolutely wrong to throw away someone you love and a relationship that is obviously serious enough for an engagement. Love is not something that you can ever be ready for, and there is no such thing as "figuring out who you are" or "being ready" who you are is not definite, the self is a flowing thing and who you are and if you are ready is not the question, the question is what do you truly want to experience? I don't think you have to choose between the experience of having your relationship and the experience of living at home and once you get past that worry you can work on a less daunting solution to your homesickness.
stephley stephley 4 years
Go home, figure out what you really need & want, feel better about your life. You're in no state to make any decisions about life partners right now.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
I think you already know what you want to do. It is awful to think about having to say goodbye to someone you thought was going to be a part of your future but it sounds like other things are more important to you. Life is too short to be miserable and if you feel it is better for you and healthier for you to be at home then apply to the grad schools there. My only last piece of advice is to go home for a visit. Take a week, go see your family and see if it reaffirms your decision to leave. Maybe you just hate where you're living right now so much that you think home sounds better, when really you could just move somewhere else all together. Good luck
pumpkinheadedcat pumpkinheadedcat 4 years
First off, it is entirely normal to be really homesick as you find yourself in transition between bachelor's degree and whatever-is-to-follow in your life's journey. Every time there is a life transition, the memories of family and comforts to home come callng to me. You will find as you get older, that this feeling never really goes away entirely. And, the old saying is true--absence makes the heart grow fonder--especially when you are away from family! And lots of people decide to live their lives out, get married and have kids in or near the town or city they grew up in (or within driving distance). There's good reason for that. However, having myself moved away from a family I am very close to to finish my bachelors 3000 miles away on the opposite coast -- and to one of the most expensive cities in the US -- with no friends moving with me, I know how acute the home-sickness can be, and how overwhelming life on my own and all its financial ond other responsibilities are. Now, 13 years later and as I am finishing my PhD - still 3000 miles away - there are still days that I get depressed and lonely missing family. BUT, moving out here has given me joy and great personal, spiritual, and academic fulfillment. In short, I stayed out here, becuase MY LIFE was out here, and most of all I feel right at home, even when I am alone. Sounds to me that where you are living now is not resonating in any spiritual or personal way. The biggest red flag is not how homesick you feel, becuase those feelings do pass with time and as you get used to living out on your own. The big red flag here is that you feel OBLIGATED to stay becuase of your boyfriend; your refusal to try and make social connections of any sort; your resentment and feeling trapped living there. In fact, it is clear that your decision to leave your boyfriend and go to grad school near your hometown is pretty much set in your mind. I think you are just phishing for folks to validate what you already know to be true in your heart of hearts. Your would not be the first relationship to end becuase of 'geographic differences.' And trust me, no man wants to be with a girl who is miserable and depressed and resentful about where they have decied to make their home. You express guilt because you boyfrend moved his life out to there you are going to school - but, trust me, he is not there for you alone, it is clear tht he loves living there and so do his friends. He is there for him as much as for you. So don't let you need to leave the area and leave him hold you back. Good luck to you, and remember, their is more than one chance at love in this life - amny more!!
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