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I want MORE Romance

Dear Sugar--

I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years and lived with him for just as long. I love him so much, I would do anything for him but about 4 months ago I cheated on him with someone I developed unbelievable feelings for. He gave me the romance factor I was missing in my relationship with my boyfriend. My partner found out and of course was very hurt by it all and he kept asking "why why why?" I couldn't answer him, I couldn't tell him that I wanted more romance because it would hurt him even more if he thought his wasn't romantic enough.

We are still trying to work it out and he didn't want to leave me and I guess I didn't want to leave him either. The person I had the affair with was very supportive when I told him I had to work things out with my man, and he thought that was the right decision. I have now found out he is seeing someone and I am extremely jealous.... I hate all these feelings in my head at the moment, guilt, jealousy, shame, stupidity. I am so confused I want to run away and be on my own and think for myself, but I know if I do, I'll have not even one of those special people in my life and I know I want one of them. HELP!

--Having a Hard Time Hannah

To see DEARSUGAR's answer,

Dear Having a Hard Time Hannah--

I hate to say this, but the way you are treating your boyfriend is pretty crappy, and if you don't shape up, you are going to end up without him. What's done is done, but you can't continue to have your cake, and eat it too.

I'm wondering about your boyfriend of three years. Was there ever a "romance factor" or have you recently hit a fire-less point in your relationship? If not, is it possible to verbalize what exactly you want from him?

Whatever romantic things you are wishing for, show him what you want by doing those special things for him. Make him a candlelit dinner, surprise him with breakfast in bed, take him to a hotel overnight, send him flowers with a love note - and then maybe he'll understand better that the little things are so important to you.

No relationship is 100% stars, fireworks and romance ALL the time. Every couple goes through those rough spells when there's not a whole lot of magic. Since you two have been together for three years, you've probably reached that comfortable stage in your relationship - it doesn't mean it has to be boring though. If you do love him and want to be with him, you are going to have to find a way to rid yourself of those guilty feelings or else you will never be able to give all of yourself to your relationship. It sounds like both of you have got to try a little harder to spice things up and leave your past where it belongs. Good luck Hannah.

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kayden kayden 8 years
A learning experience and you do realize that trust was violated. You only live once, in your next relationship tell him what you want. Don't be afraid to express yourself in a calm, and mature manner. In your next relationship COMMUNICATE!!! Your not going to hurt anyone your just going to help him give you romance.. I will also recommend a good book called "Dating Without Drama" just google it, great book!!
kayden kayden 8 years
A learning experience and you do realize that trust was violated.You only live once, in your next relationship tell him what you want.Don't be afraid to express yourself in a calm, and mature manner.In your next relationship COMMUNICATE!!! Your not going to hurt anyone your just going to help him give you romance..I will also recommend a good book called "Dating Without Drama" just google it, great book!!
loveli1 loveli1 8 years
I feel she needs to spend some time alone to clear her head because she cant be with either guy if she is pining for the other.
Amity-A Amity-A 8 years
Also, I've learned that while new, magical romance feels amazing and wonderful, it's very fleeting. Commitment and saying "I love you" when you don't want to say it and hard work on your relationship lead to really good things. A few months worth of passion (and guilt) vs. a lifetime of happiness and a loving partner. You have to communicate to him that you like romance, and SHOW him like DearSugar said. The more he gets to know you (and you him) he will understand how to make you happy.
Amity-A Amity-A 8 years
Also, I've learned that while new, magical romance feels amazing and wonderful, it's very fleeting. Commitment and saying "I love you" when you don't want to say it and hard work on your relationship lead to really good things. A few months worth of passion (and guilt) vs. a lifetime of happiness and a loving partner. You have to communicate to him that you like romance, and SHOW him like DearSugar said. The more he gets to know you (and you him) he will understand how to make you happy.
vmruby vmruby 8 years
I also agree with Dearsugar's advice......
Midnightkiss4u09 Midnightkiss4u09 8 years
I'm going with Dearsugar on this one.
andaman andaman 8 years
You won't change the lover, he loves bedding women. You can however change your own feeling towards him. Think about how this will seriously hurt your boyfriend who has stuck by you.
andaman andaman 8 years
Move on from this ultra complication that you have created for yourself (sorry but you did it yourself and it's good that now you are trying to do the right thing). I would say forget about that man and concentrate on improving your relationship with your boyfriend. He doesn't trust you and I bet you argue more now huh? Focus on your man and forget about the lover and his lover. It has nothing to with you. It is his life and if he wants to sleep around, it isn't your problem, don't make it your problem, he didn't cheat on you, he was just playing around.
junebrug junebrug 8 years
A lot of women confuse the "comfort zone" with no longer loving someone anymore. You'll never be as wild about someone as you are in the beginning of a relationship, soon the fireworks fade into tiny little pops. You can still have romance in your relantionship though. If you want a relationship. I think you're coming at this from the wrong direction, which again is common, as if the choice is one man over another. Successful relationships are about committment, honestly you could have a successful relationship with nearly anyone if you wanted it enough.If you don't want a boyfriend and want to always be experiencing the high of someone new, that's fine. There is nothing with wanting to play the field, so long as you are completely honest with the guy. But wanting the security of a relationship with the excitement of dating a lot of people will drive you crazy. You have to choose. You know in your heart what you did to your boyfriend was wrong. You'll never have a successful relationship unless you decide what you really want and embrace it. Don't try to fit yourself into a box that doesn't fit, trying to be a "good girl." A smart girls knows herself and is honest with herself and those around her.
junebrug junebrug 8 years
A lot of women confuse the "comfort zone" with no longer loving someone anymore. You'll never be as wild about someone as you are in the beginning of a relationship, soon the fireworks fade into tiny little pops. You can still have romance in your relantionship though. If you want a relationship. I think you're coming at this from the wrong direction, which again is common, as if the choice is one man over another. Successful relationships are about committment, honestly you could have a successful relationship with nearly anyone if you wanted it enough. If you don't want a boyfriend and want to always be experiencing the high of someone new, that's fine. There is nothing with wanting to play the field, so long as you are completely honest with the guy. But wanting the security of a relationship with the excitement of dating a lot of people will drive you crazy. You have to choose. You know in your heart what you did to your boyfriend was wrong. You'll never have a successful relationship unless you decide what you really want and embrace it. Don't try to fit yourself into a box that doesn't fit, trying to be a "good girl." A smart girls knows herself and is honest with herself and those around her.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
sounds like you are looking for thrills, not romance. coming home everyday to be with you, that's romantic. staying faithful even when tempted, that's romantic. having a cheap fling on the side, not so romantic. you are so caught up in what you don't have you aren't appreciating what you have.honestly i have little faith that you and your current partner will stay together because it sounds as if you are still there only because you don't want to be alone. but i will suggest role play. meet your partner at a bar or something and pretend you don't know him. make up names and personal stories. then go home and "get romantic". maybe this will give you the spice you are wanting. over time life settles down and that is a big reason people like being "settled". but if you aren't ready for it i can see where it would feel restraining.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
sounds like you are looking for thrills, not romance. coming home everyday to be with you, that's romantic. staying faithful even when tempted, that's romantic. having a cheap fling on the side, not so romantic. you are so caught up in what you don't have you aren't appreciating what you have. honestly i have little faith that you and your current partner will stay together because it sounds as if you are still there only because you don't want to be alone. but i will suggest role play. meet your partner at a bar or something and pretend you don't know him. make up names and personal stories. then go home and "get romantic". maybe this will give you the spice you are wanting. over time life settles down and that is a big reason people like being "settled". but if you aren't ready for it i can see where it would feel restraining.
Marci Marci 8 years
Wow, so you'll do anything for your boyfriend except stay faithful? We all have feelings for others at times, but the fact that you acted on them is where the real problem lies. I think it's a symptom of something lacking in your relationship, not so much for your boyfriend, but for you. You need to be honest with yourself at what you have and what you want. You may not like the answer you find and may come to realize that you have to leave the security of your relationship. And if anyone deserves a halo, it's your boyfriend. I can't believe he's still with you.
rubialala rubialala 8 years
popgoestheworld is totally right, especially the P.S. part.
designergirl designergirl 8 years
From your behavior, it seems like you want to get out of the relationship. If you can't decide between the two, I think the most mature thing to do is leave your boyfriend. He deserves a girlfriend who will accept him as he his.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 8 years
I agree with DearSugar and Popgoestheworld. You can't have two guys. If you don't feel the same way about your boyfriend, you should have broken up with him before you cheated. It was a very selfish thing to do. And now because you did - you have now lost your boyfriends trust. I don't think he will ever be able to get over that. I know I wouldn't. Bottom line is you have to pick. You have to either stay with your boyfriend and HOPE TO GOD that he forgives you. Or you can go with the new guy and let your boyfriend go. But you cannot string either one of them along anymore.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 8 years
I agree with DearSugar and Popgoestheworld. You can't have two guys. If you don't feel the same way about your boyfriend, you should have broken up with him before you cheated. It was a very selfish thing to do. And now because you did - you have now lost your boyfriends trust. I don't think he will ever be able to get over that. I know I wouldn't. Bottom line is you have to pick. You have to either stay with your boyfriend and HOPE TO GOD that he forgives you. Or you can go with the new guy and let your boyfriend go. But you cannot string either one of them along anymore.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Goodness. Well first of all you say you love your boyfriend so much and you'll do anything for him, and then this line confuses me: "he didn't leave me and I guess I didn't want to leave him either." You guess you didn't want to leave him? That doesn't sound like someone who is so in love with someone they would do _anything_ for them. That sounds like someone who is bored and wants out but is scared of what the future holds without all the security this person has to offer...Why don't you want to be with the other guy, with all the romance and extraordinary feeling etc.?If you are going to stay w/ your current BF, you HAVE to tell him why you felt you had to stray. You are worried about hurting his feelings? Honey, cheating hurt his feelings. He probably wants to know why so he can learn from him, so he can heal. Don't withold that information from him.Lastly, being by yourself might not be such a bad thing. If you have family who lives somewhere else maybe just take a week and go and think. We all get scared about our futures, being alone, losing people. But sometimes we just need to stare the truth in the face and let the chips fall where they may. We are strong enough to weather these sorts of storms.PS - You will be attracted to people and maybe even feel passion for them all throughout your life, probably even when you are married. That doesn't mean you need to cheat. Those feelings are just temporary and are nothing compared to life-long relationships with people you love and trust and vice versa.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
Goodness. Well first of all you say you love your boyfriend so much and you'll do anything for him, and then this line confuses me: "he didn't leave me and I guess I didn't want to leave him either." You guess you didn't want to leave him? That doesn't sound like someone who is so in love with someone they would do _anything_ for them. That sounds like someone who is bored and wants out but is scared of what the future holds without all the security this person has to offer... Why don't you want to be with the other guy, with all the romance and extraordinary feeling etc.? If you are going to stay w/ your current BF, you HAVE to tell him why you felt you had to stray. You are worried about hurting his feelings? Honey, cheating hurt his feelings. He probably wants to know why so he can learn from him, so he can heal. Don't withold that information from him. Lastly, being by yourself might not be such a bad thing. If you have family who lives somewhere else maybe just take a week and go and think. We all get scared about our futures, being alone, losing people. But sometimes we just need to stare the truth in the face and let the chips fall where they may. We are strong enough to weather these sorts of storms. PS - You will be attracted to people and maybe even feel passion for them all throughout your life, probably even when you are married. That doesn't mean you need to cheat. Those feelings are just temporary and are nothing compared to life-long relationships with people you love and trust and vice versa.
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