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I'm More Suited For His Friend

Group Therapy: I'm More Suited For His Friend

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have a guy friend who is I guess what would be called my "friend with benefits." We'll call him "friend A". We have had a friendship and casual sex relationship for about three years now. Neither of us have an interest in actually dating or being exclusive. We're really more friends and peers than anything.

I had noticed once before that his close friend and I have a lot in common, and I feel like there's been some resistance on his end because he might not know what's going on with me [and] "friend A." The more I see him, the deeper my crush grows. I find myself thinking about him non-stop for days after I see him. This past time, he had alluded to the fact that he is casually seeing someone but it's not serious. I fear that if I don't make a move soon, it could be too late.

So I guess my question is, what is the best and most respectable way to go about doing that without ruining my reputation in this group of friends? I'd like to talk to "friend A" about the situation and get his feedback on how it might make him feel, but at the same time, I want to be sure that it's even worth the risk of making things weird because like any girl, I wonder about being turned down. What if he doesn't feel the same way about me? What if that ruins my friendships?

So lost on this one . . .

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Janine22 Janine22 5 years
Yes, I agree with the last post. I think that if you decide to pursue the new guy, you need to make sure that he understands that you want a bf, not another FWB situation. I agree with whoever said that guys tend to compartmentalize girls. If he is judgemental, he could see you just in a sexual way because that is how his friend saw you. So be extra careful and give it some time before being sexual with the new guy. Be clear that you want a bf and you are tired of casual sex and explain the thing with guy A by saying that you 2 were better off as friends because you both knew you weren't compatible in a relationship. Take things slowly, suggest to hang out casually or with a group of people. So the new guy is casually seeing someone but it is not serious? Perhaps he has a FWB as well. He might not even be interested in a relationship, perhaps he likes to just have casual sex. If this is the case, you will know right away if you tell him that you are not interested in casual sex anymore. If he loses interest, then you will know that that is all that he wanted. Good luck.
jessr1214 jessr1214 5 years
I think the fact that friend A is moving will be good for you. Wait for him to leave (and no more hooking up), let the dust settle a little bit, then start testing the waters with the guy you like. Like Helen said, dont try too hard or come off as desperate, just hang out with him and let things happen organically. One thing you will need to be careful of is making sure that friend B doesnt just see you as a potential FWB too. Take things extra slow physically. And yeah, some guys might feel weird about pursuing a relationship with someone who was with one of their friends, but what do you have to lose? Getting rejected sucks but at least you will have tried, and it sounds like you are losing your casual thing with friend A anyway. Good luck.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Take it slow. Don't dump the whole issue in his lap all at once. First talk with Friend A. Be open and say that you're starting to want a relationship and that the FWB situation seems to be standing in the way. Then let it go for a little bit. Obviously, no more messing around with him.After things have stabilized with Friend A, tell him you might be getting interested in his friend and that you want to know what he thinks. Hopefully, since you've already stopped the sexual aspect of your friendship, he'll be supportive.Don't worry about the guy you like. You don't need to pounce on him just because he's dating someone. Haste makes you seem desperate. Give him little smiles here and there to let him know you think he's cute. But don't make a move until you've got Friend A handled.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Take it slow. Don't dump the whole issue in his lap all at once. First talk with Friend A. Be open and say that you're starting to want a relationship and that the FWB situation seems to be standing in the way. Then let it go for a little bit. Obviously, no more messing around with him. After things have stabilized with Friend A, tell him you might be getting interested in his friend and that you want to know what he thinks. Hopefully, since you've already stopped the sexual aspect of your friendship, he'll be supportive. Don't worry about the guy you like. You don't need to pounce on him just because he's dating someone. Haste makes you seem desperate. Give him little smiles here and there to let him know you think he's cute. But don't make a move until you've got Friend A handled.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
I can see double standard may be in play, but you never know, some guys these days are more open-minded. Mention it casually to your fwb that you're interested in his friend therefore no more fun-time for you guys. I don't know what kind of a guy your fwb is, if he's the type who's not going to 'meddle' as in, he'll 'warn' his friend that he's your fwb b/c you're interested in him or if everyone talks about everyone in that group or if your fwb relationship was well-known already... Regardless, just ask the other guy out if you think it'll work, after you have that talk with your soon-to-be ex fwb. There's no guarantee that it'll work out the way you want it to be, but why not give it a try. Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
I can see double standard may be in play, but you never know, some guys these days are more open-minded. Mention it casually to your fwb that you're interested in his friend therefore no more fun-time for you guys. I don't know what kind of a guy your fwb is, if he's the type who's not going to 'meddle' as in, he'll 'warn' his friend that he's your fwb b/c you're interested in him or if everyone talks about everyone in that group or if your fwb relationship was well-known already...Regardless, just ask the other guy out if you think it'll work, after you have that talk with your soon-to-be ex fwb. There's no guarantee that it'll work out the way you want it to be, but why not give it a try.Good luck.
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 5 years
What do you want from this guy? Are you looking for another FWB situation or an actual relationship? If you want another FWB situation, I agree with the others that there isn't much you can do to protect your reputation. If you are looking for a relationship, then I agree with the others as well that you need to immediately cease the FWB situation with friend A. I think there are a few steps to doing this and standing a chance: 1. end the FWB situation 2. let guy #2 know that you're interested 3. leave the ball and guy #2's court and see if he makes a move once he knows you're interested and that FWB is over with his friend. I think step 3 is crucial if you want to stand a chance of maintaining friendships and possibly having a relationship with guy 2. You need to let him decide if he wants to pursue a relationship with you once he knows of your interest. If you pursue this aggressively on your own, I think your chances of burning bridges in that group of friends are higher.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
This is sort of embarrassing, but I actually have dated a couple of my ex's friends at different points. I think that most guys secretly want to date their friend's exes, because you always end up hearing from them after a breakup. That said, those were relationships and not FWB situations. If you want to pull this off, as sarah said, you have to stop hooking up with your FWB right away, and tell him you'd still like to hang out but you're looking for a relationship now (or something). Then, depending on how your FWB relationship went, you might have a chance. But I feel like guys tend to compartmentalize girls and he might not see you as relationship material because of what you had going on with his friend.Hard to say, but you won't know unless you try.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
This is sort of embarrassing, but I actually have dated a couple of my ex's friends at different points. I think that most guys secretly want to date their friend's exes, because you always end up hearing from them after a breakup. That said, those were relationships and not FWB situations. If you want to pull this off, as sarah said, you have to stop hooking up with your FWB right away, and tell him you'd still like to hang out but you're looking for a relationship now (or something). Then, depending on how your FWB relationship went, you might have a chance. But I feel like guys tend to compartmentalize girls and he might not see you as relationship material because of what you had going on with his friend. Hard to say, but you won't know unless you try.
GTCB GTCB 5 years
Usually it works like this - guys do not sleep with their friend's ex's. So, despite what you might want, he may not go for it. Once again, the usual double-standard is at play here I'm afraid. Even if you did get together it would be your rep on the line, not any of the guy's. It would probably be best in the long term to find someone else.
GTCB GTCB 5 years
Usually it works like this - guys do not sleep with their friend's ex's. So, despite what you might want, he may not go for it.Once again, the usual double-standard is at play here I'm afraid. Even if you did get together it would be your rep on the line, not any of the guy's. It would probably be best in the long term to find someone else.
zeze zeze 5 years
I don't think guy B, your crush, would date his buddy's casual sex friend. Even if you make a move and he goes out with you, I doubt he will have anything serious in mind. Guys talk and share...so your chances aren't too great.
GregS GregS 5 years
Ask the man out. Then tell "Friend A" that you're going on a date with his buddy. Casual sex is just that; casual. It doesn't mean anything. If things get serious between you and his buddy down the line, Friend A will understand.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 5 years
Um, I honestly don't think it's possible to do what you're asking without ruining your reputation amongst this group of friends, particularly if things were to go bad between you and the one you're currently not having casual sex with. You've put yourself in a HUGELY awkward position. The only possible way I could see it working out is if you immediately put an end to the friends with benefits stuff and waited for that guy to move on (as in, get all loved up in a proper relationship) and then maybe test the waters with the other guy. But even then, it's dicey territory. If you were me I would just forget it, but if you think it's worth it then I guess you could give it a shot.
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