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I'm Not Sure of His Intentions

"Does He Have the Right Intentions?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I gave an acquaintance my number a few months ago. He texted me a few times and eventually, when we were both free, he asked me if I'd go on a date with him. At first, he really carefully asked me to go to his family cabin with him for a week, which I declined because I felt comfortable. Recently, he asked me to go to a dance party in town, so I said yes. He sounded surprised and when I asked who else was going, he said a few friends and one of his sisters would be there too. I didn't back out, but it felt kind of confusing — was it a date or a buddy outing? I went, he picked me up, he paid for everything, and he stuck by my side for the night. I have to admit that I felt awkward, so I didn't act like my usual, independent, friendly self. I smiled most of the night and remained open to the venue and music, but I also suspected he might have some history with one of the girls there. She was unusually cold to me and was giving him longing stares. I tried talking to a few people and gave him some space, but it was not easy at all. He stuck with me but made no moves or efforts to dance with me, so we left at the end of the night, went for a hot chocolate, and talked a bit more. We ended the date and he reached in to hug me and offered an open invitation for our next date. He asked me to go visit a new condo he'd just bought.

Now I like him, but his first effort to get me to a cabin for a week made me nervous that he may just want to sleep with me. Then the introduction to his family member was nice, but it was offset by the girl he seemed to have a history with. Still, I did try to make the best of the situation, and there were new things I learned about him that I liked. He was surprisingly respectful for a guy that I thought only wanted me to share a bed in a cabin, but this entire outing confused me. The next morning, I texted him to say that I had fun, and a few days later, I made a date suggestion. He then took a few days to respond, and he did not confirm anything but said he would call me for sure. Should I have initiated the post-date text and even offered a date suggestion? I guess I did it in case he'd noticed my discomfort and I'd come off as shutting him down. I'm intrigued but confused. What do you think?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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missmaryb missmaryb 3 years
Glad you made the right decision here. One thing I have learned through all my dating experiences, actual relationships and even my "late" marriage is that when a guy is into you for the right reasons, it's really pretty simple. There won't be any head games. You will know how he feels because he will tell you straight up and he will initiate the dates and will text you or call you back as soon as he can. If you are second guessing someone right off the bat, it's time to move on. Good luck in the future!
henna-red henna-red 3 years
Good luck SmartGirl, finding a better guy. This one is definately the wrong one. Take care.
SmartyGirl SmartyGirl 3 years
ok I deleted him from my facebook too. Thanks !! I didnt mention he even got off the phone on our date at one point and said..oh this girl keeps calling me she wants to know why I didnt bring her to this event tonight.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
What I think is that he is a predator. I don't neccessarily understand the mind of a predator, and I can't analyze his behaviors, except that asking you to an (I assume) isolated cabin for a week alone with him is beyond inappropriate. It's creepy, and it's scary to me. That's the vibe I get. I would suggest professional politeness, if you see him at work, but no encouragement at all. And if he does call, or text, a polite rebuff....a "thanks, but no thanks." And if he contacts you again after that, you ignore him. Really pay attention to your first response to him, it was right. I think, if he sees an opportunity to take advantage, he will. So don't give him an opportunity.
SmartyGirl SmartyGirl 3 years
Ok so do you think he was not being respectful then, he was feeling me out and figuring that he would get rejected so backed off. Yes I never texted him after his respose now so I am appreciating your feedback! I have to see him at work though its very rare that we see each other.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
OK, IMO your first analysis of this guy was exactly right. He only wants to sleep with you. That IS what a week long invitation to a cabin means when it comes from a guy you are not currently dating. As a matter of fact, I find that invitation to be predatory. I mean, who asks a girl they only know casually to go away with them for a week? I find that highly suspicious! That alone would prevent me from wanting to spend any more time with him. Quite frankly, I think persuing this guy and any relationship with him is a mistake, and a mistake that could lead you into trouble. All of the signals are wrong. Asking to the cabin for a week is wrong. Padding the "date" with lots of other people is wrong. The girl at the dance is a big red flag....wrong. Not asking you to dance when he asked you to a dance, wrong. I want to know girl, why you would continue to stay in contact with this guy, when you already get that what he wants is sex? What's up with that? That speaks to me of a serious lack of self esteem. And staying in touch with him after the cabin things speaks to me a serious lack of self protection. You got the right vibe, and you ignored it. That's dangerous. So, the answer to "should I have initiated the after date text...." is no, you should not have initiated anything. You don't initiate a relationship with a guy who's first approach to you is do you wanna spend a week away with me in an isolated spot. You get away from that person, you stay away from that person, and you let every other female you know and care about that there is something wrong with this guy, and to be aware and be careful! Get it? Pay attention to yourself, your first instinct, your first reaction, and start taking better care of yourself. Be safe, girl
JessicaM25 JessicaM25 3 years
Expectation is the first thing that comes to mind when I read your post. Dating is suppose to fun, get to know the guy and see where it leads to. Although you say that you were open to see how things go, your first sentence implies that he is an acquaintance. So I'm going to give it to you straight. Who cares that he took days to get back to you? Acquaintances and first dates happen when they happen. You seem a little too invested in someone when you seem to barely know him. Step back some and have some composure. Life is too short too have such high expectations of things so quickly. GL.
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