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I've Uncovered My Mom's Affair And I'M Not Sure What To Do About It

I've Uncovered My Mom's Affair And I'M Not Sure What To Do About It

Dear Sugar
I’ve recently eavesdropped and heard my parents talking about an affair that my mother is having. They talked about things like her cutting off all contact with this new man and salvaging their marriage with the help of counseling.

I felt that it was best to leave them alone, and that it wasn’t really any of my business, but now that I know, I wonder if they will ever plan to tell me. I am a little bit afraid of my desire to want to talk to them about this because I know I’ve been acting differently toward my Mother since I’ve found out. I feel so sorry for my Dad and I hate seeing him in pain.

What’s worse yet is some new information that I’ve uncovered about the affair that even my father doesn’t know about and I am not sure how to handle it.

I’ve got this thing with other people using my computer - I don’t like it. So I run a key logger (that I wrote myself) that allows me to see if my parents are monitoring me, or using it without my permission.

I’ve learned to my dismay that my mother has been using MY computer to e-mail with her "friend" and I can see every single e-mail transaction between them. Not only are they still corresponding, but they are planning more sex dates behind my dad’s back.

In about a month, we are moving to a new house. But I feel like if I tell my dad what has been going on, it will change everything. I can only imagine that he’d want to get a divorce and thus, want to move into a smaller place. This will be the second time (that I know of) that she’s gone behind his back and lied to him.

I really like this new house, and I think I would be super upset to lose the house and have to deal with a divorce. I don’t want one of them to be stuck with a huge bill though because one of them can’t afford the house alone. This is my senior year of high school, and I don’t want it to be filled with fights and moves and sadness...but I love my dad and I want him to know the truth. What should I do? Torn Victoria

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Dear Torn Victoria
I am a bit of a nosy nelly, and I hate liars, so if it were me, I’d tell my Mom that I am upset with her for two reasons:

  • 1. She’s broken your trust and uses your computer without your permission.
  • 2. Not only have you overheard the conversation between your parents about her affair, but now you’ve seen correspondences between her and the strange man which have given you every right to make you feel angry and hurt.

Coming clean will feel very good. This isn’t your fault but it’s going to dramatically effect you; and there’s no reason for you to have to bear the burden of lying to either parent any longer.

When you are speaking to your Mom, be sure and tell her that you are planning on talking to your dad about it. How can she possibly expect you to ever keep a secret from either of them - and wouldn’t she want you to talk to her if the situation was reversed?

Also - don’t worry about your parent’s finances. That’s between them and they will inform you if it’s going to be of any concern to you.

This isn’t going to be easy on you. Just remember that this is a family matter and I wouldn’t go around talking to your friends about it. If you want to talk to somebody for catharsis and advice, I suggest seeking the outlet of a professionally trained counselor.

You don’t want to air your family’s dirty laundry around town – especially since there is a chance that if your mom and dad were willing to work it out the first time, they might try that route again instead of getting a divorce.

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