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Knocked Up By A One Night Stand

Dear Sugar
I am a junior in college and I just found out I am pregnant. The father is a guy that I had a one night stand with. I am not a promiscuous girl and this was the first time I have ever been with a stranger. At the beginning of the night we exchanged phone numbers, and he seemed like someone I would want to go out with, but when we woke up it was really uncomfortable.

We shared an awkward glance and we didn't even really talk. Within five minutes of being awake, he quickly got dressed and he left without even so much as a warm goodbye. To be honest, I barely remember him. If not for the name and number on the crumpled up bar napkin that was in my jeans pocket, I may not even have remembered his name.

It has been three and a half weeks and he has not called me. I know I need to explore my options immediately as I certainly wasn't planning on this pregnancy. I obviously don't know this guy, but since I do have his phone number, is it my obligation to contact and consider him before I make a decision about this pregnancy on my own? One Night Stand Sophie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear One Night Stand Sophie
This is a very personal decision that only you can make. Have you reached out to any of your friends or family members so that you are not alone in your decision making process? If you are struggling and you don't want to involve anyone that you know personally, I suggest going to a school counselor and talking to someone there for an objective opinion.

We are lucky to live in a society, where woman have many options when it comes to unplanned pregnancy. If talking to a school counselor is still too close for comfort then a great place to research family planning choices and birth control (for the future) is at Planned Parenthood. This free or low cost center can help educate and mentor you during this difficult time.

Since you technically don't know your one night stand, I think that you have complete freedom in making the choice of whether to tell him or not to tell him about the pregnancy. Having his phone number makes it easy to contact him, but by no means requires you to tell him.

Talking to him might make things a little more clear for you but if your decision is to not tell him, again, that choice is yours. You must do what you feel is right so that this decision doesn't come back to haunt you. Remember that you have options so please consider all of them. Good luck.

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tiffsadork7 tiffsadork7 9 years
The downside to a one night stand. I agree that you need to do whats best for you. But i also agree with the fact that maybe you need to let him know, he may be a total jerk about it or he may be understanding with it all. You may find relief with the fact that you did include him on the decisions. I also agree with what someone already stated, just make sure you know you can live with the fact that you have terminated a life. If you are against abortion, Have you ever thought about putting the baby up for adoption? DO you think you can trust someone in your family to help you with understanding your true feelings about this baby. When i first found out i was pregnant i was scared, but as my signature goes, once i heard her heartbeat i realized that this was a blessing in disguise. I wish you the best no matter what you decide. Keep your head up! ************************************************* ~*I heard your heartbeat, it took away my fear*~
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 9 years
Sophie, I would find out all my options, and do what is best for you. I'm grateful we live in a country where we have options. About telling the guy, that is completely up to you. If you did chose an abortion or 4u-486, I think the guy should pay for it, and also any medication you may need after the fact. I also, think if you decide to have the baby, the guy should pay for his half, in all the child's expenses, through the age of 18 (then, he should also help out with the child's college). This is just my opinion. Do what is best for you. Also, I'm sure you will find a reliable birth control method, after all this. Good luck, and my thoughts are with you, at this tough time in your life. nycgirl and Shawna, that was very brave of you both, to talk so openly about your experience. Many applauds!! (we need a clapping smiley)
flutterpie flutterpie 9 years
oh and nyc, that was very brave of you and i applaud you Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday, can it get any better?
flutterpie flutterpie 9 years
im sorry but if he didnt bother to call you or anything after sleeping with you, its obvious that he does not care one way or another. its your body and your choice. he is fully aware of the consequences of a one night stand also. i will always urge anyone who is pregnant to keep their baby but its your body and your choice. good luck to you, you have some tough decisions to make Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday, can it get any better?
jaxon jaxon 9 years
I think you should def call him. Everyone is saying you't know so you don't owe him but the fact that you don't know him is part of it. You don't know him so to assume he would want nothing to do with the child or just not want it is wrong. While it is your body and ultimately your decision he should be informed of your plans.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
How do I put this nicely.... If you choose abortion make sure you have lots of support...after all with all even with the "is your body to do what you want" slogans and whatnots...there IS a LIVING ORGANISM ...ALIVE in you! and if you can live with the consequences of ending that...good for you.... NEXT TIME...please use birth control!! and a little common sense!
highsociety1 highsociety1 9 years
You're a junior in college and you don't know about birth control or Plan B?!? Contacting the father is a waste of time, IMO. What exactly do you expect him to say -- that he wants to keep the baby? Yeah, right. He probably doesn't even remember who you are. Do what you need to do, then spend about 10 minutes learning about all the various kinds of birth control methods available in this day and age.
Jinx Jinx 9 years
I have to side with doing what you think is best for yourself in this instance. The guy hasn't even called her or anything, I doubt he wants her baby. Explore your options, get advice and make your decision without complicating it with him. ~Procrastinate Now! Don't Put It Off~ (Ellen)
jnicole jnicole 9 years
I was actually shocked to read dearsugar say that you did not need to tell him. It is his child too, and just because you do not know him does not give you the right to make a decision without at least giving him a chance. This is a child's life we are talking. Good Luck.
meganismyname meganismyname 9 years
Any desision you make will effect your life forever. I got pregnant when I was fifteen, I thought my life was over. She is now in kindergarten and i look at her everyday and thank god for her.Whatever you do decide im sure it will all work out somehow.
nycgirl nycgirl 9 years
Thanks t0xxic, cubadog, bluejeannie and Masqueraded_Angel... I *really* appreciate the support!
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
wow, lots of kind words here. i'm so glad that you are getting that. this is a difficult decision for you and there isn't a right or wrong one only YOUR choice. best of luck to you in making the decision that is best for you in your situation.
pattyo pattyo 9 years
Please keep in mind that if you decide to keep this baby. He may never want to be a part of his/her life. Once your baby gets older...he/she may want to meet his/her Daddy. Who knows he may be married and have another family. This could hurt alot of people...but I am sure your a smart woman. I hope that you make the right decision.
herbiefrog herbiefrog 9 years
if the baby is aware then you must save him
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 9 years
you need to decide what is best for you. You are very young and can you really support a baby without your education being finished? I am sure you are very scared right now-try to talk to someone-a friend or relative that you trust.This is not an easy decision as we all know- Good luck
fat-kat fat-kat 9 years
You have many options. Think about what you want to do first. He does have a right to know. He may say it's not his because if you had a one night stand with him who knows how many others you have had. You do not have to respond negatively or feed into his. Just let him know I was just doing the right thing by informing you and I am glad you have showed me the real you. You know who you are and that is all that matters. The choice is mainly yours and no one else. Talk to your friends or even someone you don't know. Go to plan parenthood find out everything you need to know. Good luck on your decision. Stay focus and on the right track, you are only human and we make mistakes but they are learning experiences.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
Ok, not only financially, but emotionally and physically as well.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
I would definitely recommend Planned Parenthood. Like NYC, I also had an abortion, and the Planned Parenthood clinic that I went to...well, they were very understanding and kind to me. I do hope that you keep this child if you are financially capable of doing so.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
I would definitely recommend Planned Parenthood. Like NYC, I also had an abortion, and the Planned Parenthood clinic that I went to...well, they were very understanding and kind to me. I do hope that you keep this child if you are financially capable of doing so.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 9 years
NYC, i hope you aren't attacked for opening up (it's just plain mean), it's brave to tell people you had an abortion. we have the freedom of religion in this country so everyone can act according to his or her conscious. the choice whether or not to have a child is so incredibly personal and life changing. i couldn't imagine someone else deciding that for me.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
I am also with NYC. I too used to live on the Upper Eastside! Give it a big hug for me and stop by Auction House for a drink or two!
t0xxic t0xxic 9 years
NYC, if any one attacks you on this, they are dead wrong. Its very brave of you to share that with this person and Im sure its appreciated. This def isnt the place to judge people an not esp when we are all sharing what may or may not help this person -------------------- -------------------- Fab Find for the holidays Every tuesday! This week lets pick out gifts for our Significant others! And send in your ideas or join up for secret santa! Just check out my new "Once apon a fab finding christmas!"
nycgirl nycgirl 9 years
I am sure I'm going to get hatemail for this, but... If you are within the first 90 days of pregnancy, RUN to your gyno. She can give you RU-486 to 'miscarry' the baby. It is essentially an abortion without having to go to a clinic, and it is more private. Mind you, it is a lot more painful. Instead of a 30-minute procedure you pop-in-and-out of, you have to endure about 30-40 days of non-stop bleeding. And I mean BLEEDING (and cramping, but you get Tylenol 3 or Vicodin for that). They are very strict about the 90-day window, the sooner you get there, the higher the likelihood that it will work. Also, although the pre-natal sonograms and checkups are most likely covered by insurance, the actual mifeprostine is probably not. It cost me $400, but this was a while ago, and I live on the Upper East Side and go to an expensive gyno. I just couldn't bring myself to go to a clinic up in Harlem. Good luck!!! If you do go through it, make sure you have a roommmate or friend who can support you. It's a rough time. I can also tell you from experience that you do look back on it, and it does make you sad, but I personally don't regret it at ALL.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 9 years
i cannot stress the importance of the morning after pill enough. i worked as a counselor in college for freshman girls (i also ended up teaching sex-ed) and i was so sad to know that many of them did not know about it. Plan B prevents you from even having to make this horrible decision in the first place. it will prevent the sperm from finding the egg by forcing your body to have a period. i believe this pill is available over the counter now. side effects are cramps, headache, vomiting (be careful not to vomit up the pill), and spotting. it's worth not having to deal with an unplanned pregnancy, though. it does NOT prevent STDS though.
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