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At Least I Can Say I Tried

Dear Sugar
After 16 years of marriage and five years of my husband cheating on me, he finally left and moved in with his mistress. Our four kids were the reason why I didn't leave him in the first place and I always kept hope that he would realize I really was the only one for him. I lost and now I am broken hearted.

When does your head start to take over your heart? I know the right thing to do is move on and start a new life without him, but my heart won't let him go. I know time will heal all pain, but I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Any advice would help. Heartbroken Heidi

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Heartbroken Heidi
I am sorry. Having a broken heart can be one of the most painful experiences, but it sounds like you are better off without this man in your life. As hard as that may be to accept right now, you will soon be able to realize how much better your life can be with a partner who loves and respects you and your family.

Time is a wonderful healer and while it feels like there is no end in sight to the pain you are experiencing, try to remember your sadness will eventually go away. Do you have a good group of friends or family members you can lean on for support? Now is the time to really take care of you.

Do whatever makes you feel good; spend time with your kids, your friends, exercise, shop, get a massage, anything to keep busy. Unfortunately, there is really nothing I can say or do to make you feel better, breakups stink, but don't sell yourself short by convincing yourself he was the only man for you.

Time really is the only thing that will make your head take over your heart so try not to be so hard on yourself. There are many stages of grief after a breakup and as you experience the first few crappy ones, you will be well on your way to recovery. Good luck to you and try to keep your chin up.

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Join The Conversation
kittycat kittycat 9 years
i feel so sad after reading this. that man is a scum bag. u did the right thing by not divorcing him in for the sake of the children. but 16 years is a long time. i'm sorry you are going through this, just keep in mind that life is better without him. once u get over him u will be able to find someone who loves, adores, and respects u for who u are. that was a very good deed you carried out for your children. he's the adulterer, and God will punish him.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
my hat is off to you for giving the marriage your all. it's no reflection on you that he left, it's a reflection on your ex. you should feel free to move on in your life without looking back. our head isn't always what leads us, and that is where you are now. try to get joy from your children, involve yourself in their activities to the extent that you can, but allow yourself time to grieve the end of a significant relationship. over time it will get better. it may never hurt less but it will hurt less often. see if family (or close friends) can help you now, take off some of the day to day stress of home work, car pool, etc. YOU are the injured party here, but your children are likely hurting too. what a sad example their father has set for them. they are fortunate to have you for their mother. this loss will bond you even more tightly with them, which will be a blessing to all of you. hopefully when people learn what has happened you will get a little luck and some kindness from those around you and that will help your frame of mind. try journaling. when you read back even 2 or 3 weeks later you will see things from a different perspective, and that should start to lift your spirits. take care, and please write again soon to let us know how you are doing.
Pinkgirl88 Pinkgirl88 9 years
I'm so sorry for your pain. i think that you are justified in every emotion that you feel. While it is important to move on and try new things to bring some fun back to your life it is also really important that you let yourself feel everything that you are going through now. Don't deny yourself the chance to grow from he experience by shelving what you feel. I am big on the therapy band wagon and would recommend talking this threw with someone. A neutral opinion is always helpful. All the best to you and your children. I hope that you truly can see this as a new start in your life away from a man who caused you so much pain. TINA!
Marci Marci 9 years
I'm sorry to hear what's going on in your life right now. The most significant words in your letter, I think, are that you would have left him already were it not for the kids. So on some level you weren't happy and knew things weren't good. It's harder for women with children to forge a new life because they are still dealing with all the stuff with the kids. The guy moves on, has time to pursue another life for himself, and sees his kids on weekends or whatever. I think slowly you'll start to feel better when you begin to realize that the day to day hassles and feelings of unhappiness that were a part of that relationship are no longer there. Then you can begin to come into your own again. Unfortunately, it does take time. When you're feeling down, come onto the Sugar site. There's always lots of supportive company here, 24/7.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 9 years
Of course it hurts now, you gave 16 years of your life to this man, and have 4 beautiful children together. But Dear is right, you are so much better off concentrating your energies on you and your children, and not someone who has no respect for your family. When the time is right, someone special will come into your life that will love and respect you and your children. Until then you aren't alone, you have your children and even if they are the only good thing that came out of your relationship with your husband, they are more than enough. Your family and friends will want to offer their support to you during this difficult time, so please accept their kindness, you know you would do the same for them.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 9 years
i am so sorry this happened to you!! i'm sure there is a counseling service close to you that can help you and your family through these tough times. i wish you nothing but the best and send you warm fuzzies electronically. :hug: good luck, sweetie.
Deba Deba 9 years
Dont give up, keep your mind in your childs, try new things to keep your mind busy. I know whats to be there, even though Im married, I did end a long time relationship with a guy that cheated on me. Dont even waste tears on your ex-husband, he doesnt deserve your tears
bfly1133 bfly1133 9 years
I am so sorry! There are words that I can type that can take away your pain or make you feel better. Kudos for realzing that you need to move on, even if it isn't easy for you to do. I know that is a hard realization to come to. I think right now you need to focus on two things, yourself and your kids. All of you are going to need support. Have family time, but don't forget "me" time. You are going to need to find yourself again and that means doing the things you love. I will be praying for you and your children.
ilove2ski ilove2ski 9 years
Hang in there. My heart goes out to you. You will defiantly be in my prayers. Be strong for your children. You are a strong women, and will get through this!
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