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Living Together vs. Sleepovers Every Night

Group Therapy: Living Together vs. Sleepovers Every Night

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been staying at my boyfriend's apartment for almost 3 months straight — every night. I have probably one-third of my clothes and most toiletries there. He's asked me to move in with him when my lease runs out in November, because I'm basically living with him already. I am hesitant about moving in (mostly because my parents would be very disappointed in me), but it seems like the logical thing to do. Besides money issues (we already both pay for groceries), would living with him really be any different than what I'm doing now?

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nahsj nahsj 4 years
PS - Cleanliness level/type is very important. If you are a neat freak and he could live in a landfill you will definitely not work. The bf and I are both let-it-get-dirty-during-the-week-clean-up-on-Saturday-morning people.Love it.
nahsj nahsj 4 years
Been there, done this. Moved in with him. Everything was exactly the same as when I was staying over at his place every night. It might actually be a little bit better because both of us pay half of what we used to for rent and we are able to afford more outings and now share the responsibility taking care of a dog. If I would have known it would have been this easy I would have moved in much sooner. Just don't expect him to change any habits he might have right now (clipping toe nails on the couch, eating in bed, etc) but I think that's a no-brainer.
lizlee89 lizlee89 4 years
First of all, I think that, just like one ought to before putting themselves in any potentially life-changing situation (i.e. marriage, moving, a new house, a long-term job.career), you really need to make sure that you are aware of the things you need and expect from this new change, as well as being realistic about how those needs and expectations will be met (or not). You and your boyfriend have to make sure that you discuss all the things that other people who commented here - to me, it's not much different than getting married. I think one of the biggest reasons marriages fail is because couples go into it starry-eyed and don't ground themselves long enough to discuss and figure out what they want, need, expect, and are willing to compromise on as far as the most important parts of life are concerned - children, money, fidelity, communication, religion, politics, etc. Everybody thinks they know their partner, but it's very different when you are living and spending most of every day together, Also, everybody's different, so different couples are going to have different things that are important to them, but, whatever they are, you need to make sure you know what you want and what your partner wants...
Mountainflour Mountainflour 4 years
Go for it! Your parents will get over it if it's something that makes you happy.
Emily-Co Emily-Co 4 years
Yep, agree with the others. Living together is very different from nightly sleepovers. If you're afraid of your parents disapproving, that's already a good reason not to move in. Living together should be a happy development in your relationship, not something clouded by your parents' ire or practicality. Only move in when you're ready!
mnp mnp 4 years
It's definitely going to be different. You should never move in out of convenience to save money or time. You should move in as a next step in the relationship. Consider your parents and what you want for yourself, too. If you want marriage and believe that this is the next step, make sure your bf feels this way. Communication is key to make cohabitation work.
Annie-Tomlin Annie-Tomlin 4 years
I don't think it's a good idea to move in with someone to save money; ideally. If living together meant your rent would go UP $100 a month, would you do it? If the answer is no, I don't think it's wise to move in. Definitely don't do it if you're hesitant. Have you asked him (and yourself) what cohabitation means to you and your relationship? How will you split chores and finances? What will you do if one of you wants alone time? Will you feel like it's your apartment, too, or that you've moved into *his* space?
Annie-Tomlin Annie-Tomlin 4 years
I don't think it's a good idea to move in with someone to save money; ideally. If living together meant your rent would go UP $100 a month, would you do it? If the answer is no, I don't think it's wise to move in. Definitely don't do it if you're hesitant. Have you asked him (and yourself) what cohabitation means to you and your relationship? How will you split chores and finances? What will you do if one of you wants alone time? Will you feel like it's your apartment, too, or that you've moved into *his* space?
karlotta karlotta 4 years
Yes, living together is different. You make decisions together instead of being a guest. You start arguing more. About petty, money stuff. Your relationship better be strong to weather it!
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
There will be a huge difference here! It may seem like you're practically living there but you really aren't. You still have a place to go should you two argue, and you both have control over your personal space and belongings. Combining two lives can be stressful, especially when one person is moving into a place where the other already lives. There will be a lot of decisions to make, finances only being a small part. You need to make sure you're moving in for the right reasons. It shouldn't be because it feels convenient or because you will save money. Also if you're parents will disapprove, can you live with that? Do they disapprove of your man, or of the idea of living together outside of marriage? If it's the man they don't like you should be really thinking about this. I think this is one of those situations where until you live with someone you don't actually really see what the difference is. This will change your relationship forever, whether it's good or bad; only time will tell.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
There will be a huge difference here! It may seem like you're practically living there but you really aren't. You still have a place to go should you two argue, and you both have control over your personal space and belongings. Combining two lives can be stressful, especially when one person is moving into a place where the other already lives. There will be a lot of decisions to make, finances only being a small part. You need to make sure you're moving in for the right reasons. It shouldn't be because it feels convenient or because you will save money. Also if you're parents will disapprove, can you live with that? Do they disapprove of your man, or of the idea of living together outside of marriage? If it's the man they don't like you should be really thinking about this. I think this is one of those situations where until you live with someone you don't actually really see what the difference is. This will change your relationship forever, whether it's good or bad; only time will tell.
eprupar eprupar 4 years
Yes, it would be very different. I think you should definitely consider the path your relationship is going to take. I have lived with boyfriends in the past and while at the time it was good and lasted a long time when it ends, it ends badly. I've had both bad and peaceful breakups but when you're living together it's awkward no matter what. Especially if you're the one moving in with him, where will you go if something happens? Just like ladylove said, your own apartment is a safe haven, a place to go if you need some down time. Your relationship will definitely change once you officially move in, so just be prepared. Make sure the only reason you're moving in together is because you will be together for a long time. Don't move in because of financial reasons or convenience.
eprupar eprupar 4 years
Yes, it would be very different. I think you should definitely consider the path your relationship is going to take. I have lived with boyfriends in the past and while at the time it was good and lasted a long time when it ends, it ends badly. I've had both bad and peaceful breakups but when you're living together it's awkward no matter what. Especially if you're the one moving in with him, where will you go if something happens? Just like ladylove said, your own apartment is a safe haven, a place to go if you need some down time. Your relationship will definitely change once you officially move in, so just be prepared.Make sure the only reason you're moving in together is because you will be together for a long time. Don't move in because of financial reasons or convenience.
ladylove004 ladylove004 4 years
Of course living together would be very different. Right now you have your apartment to run too when you need peace and quiet and some "me" time. But believe me (and I know this because I have lived with my bf for 3.5 years) once you move in there is much less of all that. Not to say you should not move in with him, just make sure you really want too before you jump to any choices. Moving in together is a big life changer that is difficult to turn back from, esp. once you give up your present apartment. Good Luck!
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
This is such an interesting post...I'm in a similar situation, been thinking about it for a while, so definitely interested to see more comments! :)
HisGoldenEyes HisGoldenEyes 4 years
IMHO, living with him WOULD be different. You now have to find room for all of your stuff, and while you're "living" there for the most part, you will now be seeing each other every single day, every single night, with you not having a place to go when you just need some space (same goes for him). You will have to split all the bills, not just groceries, and discuss rent. You will also learn to live with each other's habits, ones that may not have come to light yet with you just 'sleeping over' (dirty laundry on the floors, or incessant cleaning, organizational mumbo jumbo, or crazy collections, etc). Think long and hard about this before you jump in! You need to be ready financially, emotionally, etc. My boyfriend and I waited almost 5 years before moving in together, and it was stilla HUGE shock to the system, despite sleepovers. Regardless, whatever decision you come to, I wish you much luck!!! Living with your partner can be the greatest move you ever make!!!!
HisGoldenEyes HisGoldenEyes 4 years
IMHO, living with him WOULD be different. You now have to find room for all of your stuff, and while you're "living" there for the most part, you will now be seeing each other every single day, every single night, with you not having a place to go when you just need some space (same goes for him). You will have to split all the bills, not just groceries, and discuss rent. You will also learn to live with each other's habits, ones that may not have come to light yet with you just 'sleeping over' (dirty laundry on the floors, or incessant cleaning, organizational mumbo jumbo, or crazy collections, etc). Think long and hard about this before you jump in! You need to be ready financially, emotionally, etc. My boyfriend and I waited almost 5 years before moving in together, and it was stilla HUGE shock to the system, despite sleepovers. Regardless, whatever decision you come to, I wish you much luck!!! Living with your partner can be the greatest move you ever make!!!!
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