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Long Distance Boyfriend Won't Let Me Visit

"My Long-Distance Boyfriend Doesn't Want Me to Visit"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I live in Portugal, he lives in Belgium. We first met seven years ago while he was in Portugal for work for a couple of weeks. We dated innocently a few times until I saw his wedding ring. He said that he was unhappy in his marriage and thinking of separating, that he really liked me but I didn't want any kind of contact anymore. Last year he found me on Facebook. He had been divorced for four years and in a few months he convinced me to have a long distance relationship. He visited me twice last year and everything was great all year long, we spoke a lot over the phone, chatted, had video calls. At the beginning of this year he started a new job and very soon our relationship changed completely.

Keep reading for the rest of this dilemma.

He is very much career oriented so I thought he was doing the right thing. There was one weekend in January when he told me he was visiting his parents but for the first time I didn't believe him. He had visited his parents several times before and his behavior was never like that, so I had this doubt and got upset but didn't tell him, just asked him for a communication break longer than usual. We sometimes had a few days even a week communication break and we were fine with that. It also happened that one of us interrupted the communication break and that wasn't a problem either. This time I suggested a month but five days later I was missing him too much and I contacted him. He responded but the following two months were very difficult for me. He just wasn't the same nice caring guy I knew last year. I suffered and had many doubts that maybe he was meeting someone new at work but made the effort to be strong and project a different image and I mainly maintained our relationship on my own. Little by little he was coming back and at the end of March we had a conversation when I told him that I was suffering and I needed more of him. We also spoke about that strange weekend from January, he assured him that he visited his parents, it still doesn't seem totally right to me but I don't want to pay attention to that anymore. He said that the reason of his behavior in the last two months was due to the communication break that I asked for and then decided on my own to interrupt it. But this had never been an issue before! He also said that he would do anything to win my trust back and since then has been behaving quite wonderfully.

My biggest doubt in this relationship comes from the fact that I haven't visited him yet. Last year I wasn't working but doing a course so I had little money and couldn't have the initiative. We met twice when he visited me and I thought that was fine for the seven months we considered each other in a relationship. We didn't make any future plans but we were often talking about fun things that we would do together in Portugal or Belgium, places that he would like to show me, etc. He was even aware of and mentioned several times the necessity of planning a future encounter in our relationship as an event that we should both look forward. Unfortunately we don’t discuss it anymore even if my economic circumstances are better now. He works very much and there has been this awkward distance between us for two months this year. I delicately mentioned a couple of times his next visit to Portugal, I assume it's going to be in summer but I haven't really received a reply and he didn't engage in the conversation as he used to. I once mentioned how nice it would be to spend a weekend with him in Belgium but he was very evasive about the subject. My question is why is he doing this?

This also generates other kind of problems, every now and then I feel insecure and get jealous over his Facebook contacts because Facebook becomes my only window to his social life. He has many female friends on Facebook that like his posts and comment sometime, nothing flirty, at least not openly. We write to each other private emails and texts daily so I don't think that his Facebook activity would bother me if I felt that he was willing to make me part of his life a little bit more. I don't want to have to ask him to invite me to spend a weekend in Belgium because I think that he should suggest it.

I understand the limits and the difficulties of a long distance relationship and I don't consider myself a demanding person, I am willing to meet halfway and support even more when the circumstances require so but I am beginning to feel ignored and rejected in some way.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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GZO GZO 4 years
...Does the "long distance" part of this relationship have an end date? Because you can't be in a long distance relationship forever. The fact that you haven't mentioned anything about either one of you moving to be closer to each other makes it seem like there ARE no plans to do that. And if there are not plans to do that, you might as well be in a fantasy relationship that will never be fully realized.   And month-long communication breaks? I have heard of a few days or even a week in LDRs before, but if you can't be with each other and still have no desire of speaking with each other for that long, there's a problem.    Also, if you're not suggesting visits because you think he should be suggesting them, that's another problem. When you're in a relationship, it's not so formal that you should feel bad to "invite yourself over". But if he's not suggesting that you see each other either, that's yet another problem.    Also the part where you say "he convinced me to have a long distance relationship" just sort of feels off to me. Did you want to be in this relationship? Had you been in relationships between dating him and being in this LDR with him? If he claims that you're in a relationship, yet you think he's acting funny and won't declare that you two are actually in a relationship, why not just go out on a few dates with someone local? Just to see what your feelings are. It sounds like you're craving more attention from him (and not unreasonably), but he refuses to give it to you. If you've been together for two years and you haven't been allowed to visit him, that's just odd. This whole thing just seems off to me in some way and I hope you're able to change things for the better, even if it means breaking the relationship completely.   Like I said, you guys should be making plans for the end of the long distance. But honestly, since it sounds like you would be the one moving (since he's so career-oriented), as things are right now, it doesn't sound to me like you should be making that kind of sacrifice.
wolfjinx25 wolfjinx25 4 years
Honestly, I think he's hiding a lot of his life from you and that's why he doesn't ask you to come to Belgium. Long distance relationships are not easy unless two people make it work and it's not just with conversations but it includes visiting each other (you going to Belgium and him coming to Portugul) every so often not just twice a year. If he doesn't present you two as in a relationship on faceboook, that's a red flag right there. He's hiding you from his life. You need to bring it up to him that you don't feel like you're really part of his life and see what he says. You two need to be open and honest with each other and it feels like it's not really happening. You're afraid to pry into his life but if you're in a relationship with him, you should be able to know what's going on in each other's lives regardless of location. Hope this helps. 
mnp mnp 4 years
This isn't a long distance relationship; it sounds more like a penpal-type relationship. There are so many red flags with this relationship. i.e. he was married when he first met you; there are no future plans to meet or even move closer; and, you have not visit him (he could still be married for all you know). I do hope you take all the good advice you've received. Good luck!
risalyn risalyn 4 years
Thank you all for your replies. Very good comments and links.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
Another book to recommend, "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Sokol and Carter. This will confront you with your willingness to take so little. Maybe this is all you yourself can take or maybe in some ways you are protecting yourself from a life you don't want but society loves to see us in: married and with children. A heavily compartmentalized life like his is almost certainly a double life, but it doesn't matter what he does with the rest of his time. The question is why are you willing to put up with so very little from him? Until you want more or different, this is your comfort zone. You are wasting the most valuable years of youth and beauty, your desirability on a relationship that is not giving you growing love or family. There is something neurotic going on with you. He is not your problem, if there is one it's that you are not giving yourself the life you say you want.
creativedesign creativedesign 4 years
P.S Refer to these websites. They helped me get over Mr.Unavailable!
creativedesign creativedesign 4 years
You are putting trust in a man known from online interactions. Actions are the thing that make you trust a person, not words. Because you are on this online dating thing, you are unable to read the bullshit monitor and see that this guy is playing you. Regardless of if he is married or not, he is an unavailable man. You need to ask yourself why you are pursuing a man who lives in a different country when there are plenty men in your own. You need to ask yourself why you after a man who has not had time to get over a divorce. It seems to me that you are unavailable as well and have some deep issues. No matter how much he tells you that he loves you, he does not want to see you. Therefore, he does not want to be with you. This man has already told you who he is thru his actions. LISTEN
BiWife BiWife 4 years
What is it that you're getting out of this relationship? That is, what positive things are in your life because of this relationship that you would not have otherwise? It really doesn't sound like it's much of a relationship if you're wanting to go weeks or months without talking. I don't think he's very serious about this, and I think it's a crutch for you. You need to have a real relationship, one that includes time together, intimacy, goals, fulfillment, etc.
kmlvr9 kmlvr9 4 years
I would suggest to stop contacting him and start looking to date other guys. Once he sees you are dating other guys, he will want to try to compromise with you more on your issue. Also, I suggest buying the book"Why Men Love Bitches." I am single and have learned so much from this book. It doesnt mean to act like a bitch, just to stop bending over backwards to make a man happy. He needs to respect you and your values. Good Luck.....
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