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GREGWASHERE2 GREGWASHERE2 6 years
Dear Diary Day 1. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2. Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed. Day 3. This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears. Day 4. A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood. Day 5. What absolute bliss!!. Day 6. Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that. Day 7. This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy. Day 8. I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there. Day 9. No time to write. He might catch me. Day 10. Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over.... Day 11. I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig. Day 12. I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ... Day 13. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard. Day 14. I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me. Day 15. I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did. Day 16. The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac. Day 17. Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference......Christ !!! here he comes again. Day 18. He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!! ----------------------------------- Marital Indiscretions Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam leans over to Becky and says: "Honey, have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies: "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to know the answer." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know,” Sam pleads: "Please..." "Well, all right," Becky replies: "I cheated on you three times." "Three? When were they?" Sam asks. "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Becky, you did that for me!" Sam replies: "I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was No. 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Baker came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life," Sam responds: "I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, darling. I couldn't be more moved. OK then, when was No. 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?" --------------------------------------- An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
GREGWASHERE2 GREGWASHERE2 6 years
Dear DiaryDay 1. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.Day 2. Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.Day 3. This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.Day 4. A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.Day 5. What absolute bliss!!.Day 6. Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.Day 7. This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.Day 8. I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.Day 9. No time to write. He might catch me.Day 10. Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....Day 11. I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.Day 12. I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...Day 13. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.Day 14. I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.Day 15. I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.Day 16. The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.Day 17. Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference......Christ !!! here he comes again.Day 18. He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!!-----------------------------------Marital IndiscretionsSam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam leans over to Becky and says: "Honey, have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies: "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to know the answer." "Yes, Becky, I really want to know,” Sam pleads: "Please..." "Well, all right," Becky replies: "I cheated on you three times." "Three? When were they?" Sam asks. "Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Becky, you did that for me!" Sam replies: "I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was No. 2?" "Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Baker came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" "I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life," Sam responds: "I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, darling. I couldn't be more moved. OK then, when was No. 3?" "Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?" ---------------------------------------An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said. Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
GREGWASHERE2 GREGWASHERE2 6 years
Bottle of Merlot A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'. After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana .. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back' ------------------------------------------------------------ Nurses aren't supposed to laugh... "'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.' 'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. 'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?' 'It's swollen,' Fred replied. She ran out of the room. ----------------------------------- An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
GREGWASHERE2 GREGWASHERE2 6 years
Bottle of Merlot A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana .. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back' ------------------------------------------------------------Nurses aren't supposed to laugh..."'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.''Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?''It's swollen,' Fred replied.She ran out of the room.-----------------------------------An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
GREGWASHERE2 GREGWASHERE2 6 years
Larry dies, this was his last joke, rest in peace Larry... ********************************* A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?' She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ' He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.' 'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myth s are there?' 'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.' Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.' 'Tonto,' the man said, ' Tonto Goldstein , but my friends call me Bubba..
GREGWASHERE2 GREGWASHERE2 6 years
Larry dies, this was his last joke, rest in peace Larry...*********************************A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?' She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ' He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.' 'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myth s are there?' 'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.' Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.''Tonto,' the man said, ' Tonto Goldstein , but my friends call me Bubba..
GREGWASHERE2 GREGWASHERE2 6 years
RE: 1-yes 2-no...just here **************************** Christmas In Heaven Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties. "How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter. "These are Carol's" ******************************* Happy Holidays All
GREGWASHERE2 GREGWASHERE2 6 years
RE:1-yes2-no...just here****************************Christmas In Heaven Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who SHOULD go to hell - but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them. One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties. "How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter. "These are Carol's"*******************************Happy Holidays All
GREGWASHERE2 GREGWASHERE2 6 years
OH, TO BE SIX AGAIN! A husband was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. "I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her to Six Flags amusement park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there. Five hours later they staggered out of Six Flags. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to McDonald's where he ordered for her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: Popcorn, a soda pop and her favorite candy, M&M's! All in all, it was a fabulous adventure! At the end of the day they wobbled home and collapsed exhausted into bed. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?" Her eyes slowly opened, her expression suddenly changed and she aswered, "I meant my DRESS SIZE, you Idiot!" Moral Of The Story: Even a man who listens to his wife is going to get it wrong! ----------------------------- Nurse Backwards Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb," the first doctor said: "She does everything absolutely backward. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said: "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" the first doctor said: "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!" ................. :faint: .............
GREGWASHERE2 GREGWASHERE2 6 years
OH, TO BE SIX AGAIN! A husband was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday. "I'd like to be six again," she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her to Six Flags amusement park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there. Five hours later they staggered out of Six Flags. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to McDonald's where he ordered for her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: Popcorn, a soda pop and her favorite candy, M&M's! All in all, it was a fabulous adventure! At the end of the day they wobbled home and collapsed exhausted into bed. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?" Her eyes slowly opened, her expression suddenly changed and she aswered, "I meant my DRESS SIZE, you Idiot!" Moral Of The Story: Even a man who listens to his wife is going to get it wrong! -----------------------------Nurse Backwards Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb," the first doctor said: "She does everything absolutely backward. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said: "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!" Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" the first doctor said: "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!" ................. :faint: .............
GREGWASHERE2 GREGWASHERE2 6 years
OPPS.....site: BESTMACHINEEMBROIDERYDESIGNS.BLOGSPOT is GOOD. I just forgot to put WWW. in front of it !!
GREGWASHERE2 GREGWASHERE2 6 years
OPPS.....site: BESTMACHINEEMBROIDERYDESIGNS.BLOGSPOTis GOOD. I just forgot to put WWW. in front of it !!
GREGWASHERE2 GREGWASHERE2 6 years
sorry, bogus embroidery site, please try again :please: ------------------------------------ "QUICKIE" Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, 'Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.' :ROTFL:
GREGWASHERE2 GREGWASHERE2 6 years
sorry, bogus embroidery site, please try again :please:------------------------------------ "QUICKIE"Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, 'Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.' :ROTFL:
GREGWASHERE2 GREGWASHERE2 6 years
Q: Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes? A: The police thought it was a cereal killer. -------------------------------------- It's Nacho Birthday How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling too hungry For the ends of olives and nacho cheese. I love thee to the level that I love sweet, creamy guac, by sun or candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for steaks; I love thee purely, as they turn from pears. I love thee with a passion put to use In my old tastes, and with my childhood's craves. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost soup, --- I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after lunch. ----------------------------------------- Food for Thought Guests and fish start to stink after two days. (Spanish Proverb) ----------------------------------------- Problems A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said: "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, so he fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. "How did it go?" the doctor asked. "Not that well," the man responded: "When I fired the pistol, bit three inches off my wang and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!" --------------------------------------- Food for Thought If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. ----------------------------------- Eve's Story After three weeks in the Garden of Eden , God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain." And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced". "That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone. " God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?" ------------------------------- How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem. ----------------------------------
GREGWASHERE2 GREGWASHERE2 6 years
Q: Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?A: The police thought it was a cereal killer. --------------------------------------It's Nacho BirthdayHow do I love thee? Let me count the ways.I love thee to the depth and breadth and heightMy soul can reach, when feeling too hungryFor the ends of olives and nacho cheese.I love thee to the level that I lovesweet, creamy guac, by sun or candle-light.I love thee freely, as men strive for steaks;I love thee purely, as they turn from pears.I love thee with a passion put to useIn my old tastes, and with my childhood's craves.I love thee with a love I seemed to loseWith my lost soup, --- I love thee with the breath,Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,I shall but love thee better after lunch.-----------------------------------------Food for ThoughtGuests and fish start to stink after two days. (Spanish Proverb) -----------------------------------------ProblemsA man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said: "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, so he fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. "How did it go?" the doctor asked. "Not that well," the man responded: "When I fired the pistol, bit three inches off my wang and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!" ---------------------------------------Food for ThoughtIf we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. ----------------------------------- Eve's Story After three weeks in the Garden of Eden , God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain." And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced". "That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone. " God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?" -------------------------------How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem. ----------------------------------
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