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Losing Your Virginity

"Am I Missing Out?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our community. Add your advice in the comments!

Today I was having a convo with a friend of mine. The topic of guys pops up in a lot of our conversations. She asked me if I had any guys that wanted a relationship. My answer to that, like always, was no.

Things got more interesting and we started talking about, like, more personal things. She was telling me about the guys that she has kissed, dates, etc.

Since both being in our very early 20s, you would expect that we both had experience; when I broke the news to her that I was a virgin from head to toe, she kinda felt sorry for me. She said that there was so much that I was missing out. I don't really feel sorry for myself because I haven't been kissed or done anything with a guy, she just made it seem like it is this wonderful experience that I was missing out on. So my question is: am I really missing out?

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asaligirl asaligirl 5 years
yeah, you are missing out. sorry. get on it girl.
Choco-cat Choco-cat 5 years
I don't think you're missing out. People put too much emphasis on such things - if you're not missing it, don't let others convince you to miss it.
looseseal looseseal 5 years
You're missing out on some possibly pleasurable experiences (no guarantees: kisses and sex can feel good but they can also be bad and awkward). She's missing out on not ever having to worry about pregnancy and STDs. Whatever your choices, everyone's gotta win some and lose some. The notion that you can only feel sexual pleasure by having sex with another person is ridiculous, though. So is the idea that you are going to be stupid and naive about sex as long as you're not having any. There's no reason you can't educate yourself first (read some scarleteen or something), and start off your sexual awakening with some self-pleasure. Move to coupled sex if that feels right to you, but you don't HAVE to. Making coupled sex out to be some kind of be-all-end-all is like saying you haven't lived until you've had an orgy. Oh, some people might truly feel orgies are the actual be-all-end-all, but come on, sex is not one-size-fits-all, everyone can have different preferences. Trust me, there are a lot of different preferences. Oh, and some people who have had sex are shockingly stupid about sex. As in they can believe the stupidest myths, like you can't get pregnant with someone the first time and stuff like that. Don't believe people are somehow "wiser" just because they've had sex. That's the biggest myth of them all.
Rosay77 Rosay77 5 years
No, you're not. And don't let your friend guilt you into whoring yourself. Wait for the right guy.
TurkishPeach TurkishPeach 5 years
My peaches say yes honey. I think you are missing out to certain extant. I don't think your friend is encouraging you to be a slut, but it quite interesting that you haven't kissed a man and you are in your twenties. Connecting with another human being whether is be cuddling, kissing, or sex is absolutely amazing. Our bodies are meant to feel and combine and it can feel very refreshing for the soul, and put an extra sparkle in your world. As I said earlier, I think the 20s are very fun and active time. You should enjoy them, but you don't have to have sex or date numerous guys. You can save that for a real loving relationship. But come on girl, you need at least have a GOOD kiss.
aliintern aliintern 5 years
I'm kind of in the same situation. My only worry is that when I do find the right guy will he be weirded out by the fact that I haven't. I really haven't had a boyfriend since high school, always been too busy and am not really a hook up kind of gal. But I'm also kind of happy because its not like I've been trying and getting nowhere, I haven't been trying at all and I think the right guy would be nice. I do get annoyed when my friends make asexual comments about me --- because I'm not, I just didn't date in college and wasn't all that into random hook ups (it's a small campus... so the pickings were slim). I think I'll be fine with it long term its just always a weird subject to approach with a guy who you're into or who you've dated for a couple weeks.
Kelmar Kelmar 5 years
My stance is that you are missing out. Physical relationships are amazing, fun and invigorating and definitely something you should be experiencing in your 20's. I don't know why you haven't had any physical contact in the past but if it is due to insecurities that is something you need to get past because being in a physical relationship can be an extremely empowering thing. When you're with the right person they don't care if you're a little over weight or if you are inexperienced they just want to satisfy you and have a good time and nothing more. Revel in that (it feels fantastic and is a great confidence booster) . On a side note you should explore your own sexual desires more on your own "wink wink". This will get you to know your body better and may just peak your interest for physical relationship in the future.
VeraLou VeraLou 5 years
I'm pretty much in the same boat as the OP. I'm 22 and I've never even kissed or held hands with a guy. I'm not sure what the reasons are for her, but I know for me it's not that I've never wanted to its just that I've never had the opportunity to. I've approached guys myself since I never get any attention from them otherwise, but it just never works out. It's sort of painful for me to read things like this because I do feel like I'm missing out on a lot but there's nothing I can do to fix that .
genesisrocks genesisrocks 5 years
Not if you don't feel like you're missing out!
Pistil Pistil 5 years
I just hope you're not refraining from a relationship or sex out of fear.
nicole121482 nicole121482 5 years
I think, like the majority of other posters here, that you shouldn't let a friend dictate what you feel is right for yourself. Don't do anything unless you think you are ready for it and want it. With that said, it's a very different story holding onto your virginity and not ever having even kissed a guy. You are going to be extremely naive in that department when it finally happens if you don't experience it beforehand. I learned what style I liked most kissing-wise by kissing different people and kissing is pretty harmless, in my opinion. Bottom line though is that, in my opinion, yes you are missing out on a world of fun and learning, you still should not do anything you aren't ready for. Make sure it's what you want to happen or you will regret it.
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 5 years
I don't think so at all. It's not like it won't be just as nice if/when you do it.
Pistil Pistil 5 years
If you weren't worried about missing out before, why let her comments change anything? I didn't have a boyfriend until 19 and even then I wasn't all that interested in the guy, honestly. I kind of let peer pressure get to me and it just seemed like the thing I was supposed to do. Of course I learned from it. You're still okay to go at your own pace.
KateAthens KateAthens 5 years
Love is a very important part of human's life. Its not just the kissing or touching it s the whole package. The stress before the first date, the awkward moments. Yes ofc you're missing out but you're still young so you shouldn't get nervous about it. Just don't expect prince charming to hit your door if you dont make any action yourself. .
Sandle Sandle 5 years
Anonymous, I seriously disagree. Having never been kissed in your early 20's is a different case entirely than waiting to have sex. The OP is missing out because she has never had a relationship, and hasn't had the fun physical or emotional stuff that goes along with it. To the OP, do you have a desire to go out an meet guys? Have you been holding off for a reason?
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Yes, you are missing out. Kissing and making out are loads of fun. And you can engage in those activities for quite a while before going all the way. "Going all the way." Man, I sound like someone's mom from the 1950s! But I have to say I found the 'bases' concept really handy when I was dating. There are levels of physical intimacy and sex is pretty much the highest one, a home run. Feel free to work your way up gradually. It isn't all or nothing. Even though a guy would rather hit a homer right away, you can hang out between first and second, for example, as long as you want. You make the call and a guy worth your time will respect that.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
Don't let her comment pressure you into "doing it" just because she made you feel like you're missing something. That's why I did it the first time, I felt like everyone else was having all this fun and I was left behind. Well, I did it with some guy I barely knew and it wasn't special, romantic, didn't feel good, etc. It sucked. Sex is awesome under the right circumstances, and only you will know when the time is right. Until then, stay true to yourself and don't feel pressured to do anything you're not ready for.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
You are better off not connecting completely intimately until you and that other person have established that you are willing to share all until death so you part. With that kind of commitment, you can make anything work. Love encourages sacrifice and, with that on both sides, you can have the best. We are each different, but, being one for one is undeniably attractive.
CCLn CCLn 5 years
The truth is in your own hand. Only you can know your own truth. Don't be forcing yourself to have sex or etc just because you don't want to 'miss out.' But if YOU feel you're ready to have some sort of learning experience in sex (but not ready for love), then hey, go out there and date. If you want to wait for love and the 'right guy,' then it's your choice. It's also very innocent time when I wasn't immersed in sex (but I was really a kid, by your age, I was already dating, and so on), the pro about it is you can focus your energy on other stuffs in life...hmmm, well, you'll know when you'll feel ready to go out there.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
Yes and no. You are missing out on the most amazing physical sensation you will ever experience in your life. If you wait for love, you'll only know one man's touch, and every man does it differently. You're also keeping yourself safe from heartache, stds, pregnancy, etc. Aquadave that's a matter of opinion. I don't like to think my sex life is inadequate just because I chose not to wait. There's no 'better' choice that's right for everyone.
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