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Not in Love With Alcoholic Husband

Group Therapy: Marriage Has Lost That Lovin' Feeling

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My husband and I have been together for 21 years . . . through so many ups and downs. We always supported each other. Ten years ago he began a downward spiral into alcoholism. I begged and threatened him to quit so many times that I lost track. Well, finally 9 months ago he listened when I told him I was finished. He has been sober since that day.

The problem is all of that love, compassion and concern that I had for him has just eroded away during his drunken years. He has never physically harmed or threatened me. He says he is sorry and is making changes and loves me more than anything.

We are trying to work on our marriage. But I am just not in love with him anymore. Sex is virtually impossible because I cannot stand to be kissed or touched by him. Just being with him causes nothing but anxiety for me. He knows all of these things but doesn't really understand any of it. My question is how can a person get these feelings back once they're gone? Or do I stop putting both of us through this and end the marriage? Any advice suggestions are appreciated.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
here is a link that i found recently about how to have a stronger marriage and how to rebuild trust/desire/love. i've really liked what i have read. this might give you some ideas.http://marriagebuilders.com/?vm=rgood luck
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
here is a link that i found recently about how to have a stronger marriage and how to rebuild trust/desire/love. i've really liked what i have read. this might give you some ideas. http://marriagebuilders.com/?vm=r good luck
Epicdoodle Epicdoodle 5 years
I agree with all the above comments, get counseling, get him into AA and see how it goes. Healing takes time, when his behavior starts improving see how you feel and take this whole thing one day at a time. I'm sorry for what you've been through in the past, I hope theres happiness in your future!
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
I'm so sorry, what a horrible thing to live through. I can see where it would be hard for you to backtrack to happier times. I agree with getting yourself some counseling, get him into AA, and seek marriage counseling. If you do all these things and still can't see yourself living out the rest of your days with him, then you have to do what's best for you. I'm divorced, and I was not in love with this man at all anymore and could not envision spending another 30+ years in a loveless marriage. I have no regrets. I'm not saying that divorce should be an easy go to solution for any problem marriage, but sometimes you just know it's the right thing. I wish you all the best with your healing and the decisions that lie ahead for you.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
He needs to get into AA. (Just google alcoholics anonymous.) They have great methods for making amends to all the people the alcoholic harmed with his drinking. And the people there can give him support when he feels the need to drink again--which will happen, guaranteed. They assign him a sponsor he can call too. It's a fabulous organization that has continued to help a family member of mine for a long time and I highly recommend it.Al-Anon, as kurnia mentioned is excellent for you as well. Good luck to you. There are people out there who really want to help both of you if you reach out to them.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
He needs to get into AA. (Just google alcoholics anonymous.) They have great methods for making amends to all the people the alcoholic harmed with his drinking. And the people there can give him support when he feels the need to drink again--which will happen, guaranteed. They assign him a sponsor he can call too. It's a fabulous organization that has continued to help a family member of mine for a long time and I highly recommend it. Al-Anon, as kurnia mentioned is excellent for you as well. Good luck to you. There are people out there who really want to help both of you if you reach out to them.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Wow. I'm really sorry. You've gone through half of your marriage having to deal with his alcoholism. You're bound to be hurting inside.Is there any way you can seek out counseling? Attend Al-Anon possibly?I've heard someone mention 211 as a good resource to seek out help.10 years is a long time to be married and having to deal with someone who's an alcoholic (and possibly didn't treat you right too more than not, esp. when he's in his drunk state of mind--I presume). Marriage is often smeared with no so pleasant issues even without having to deal with any addiction (i.e. alcoholism) and what you've dealt probably requires you to do some self-help, self-healing, if you will.After you've refocused on yourself again and possibly in process of healing (for awhile), you can revisit again if you're capable of reviving the 'fire' you used to have 20 years ago. Right now, you really need to focus on yourself first, and let him know this.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Wow. I'm really sorry. You've gone through half of your marriage having to deal with his alcoholism. You're bound to be hurting inside. Is there any way you can seek out counseling? Attend Al-Anon possibly? I've heard someone mention 211 as a good resource to seek out help. 10 years is a long time to be married and having to deal with someone who's an alcoholic (and possibly didn't treat you right too more than not, esp. when he's in his drunk state of mind--I presume). Marriage is often smeared with no so pleasant issues even without having to deal with any addiction (i.e. alcoholism) and what you've dealt probably requires you to do some self-help, self-healing, if you will. After you've refocused on yourself again and possibly in process of healing (for awhile), you can revisit again if you're capable of reviving the 'fire' you used to have 20 years ago. Right now, you really need to focus on yourself first, and let him know this.
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