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Love Can Be So Blind

Dear Sugar
A close girlfriend is dating a guy who is seriously wrong for her. She hasn't been in a relationship for years and she is over the moon excited that she found someone regardless that all her friends are telling her to watch out for a jerk like him.

They seem to bring out the worst in each other and she is choosing to continually ignore all the red flags. Just last week we are all at a party together and they proceeded to get into a drunken argument in front of everyone. He said horrible things to her and made an embarrassing spectacle of themselves.

She was so out of it that she did nothing to stand up for herself. They left together and in the morning when I confronted her about his behavior, she blamed the alcohol and reassured me that everything was better than ever after he apologized for getting mad at her.

I have witnessed this type of behavior from him a handful of times and I am growing more and more concerned for my girlfriend. Is there anything else I can do besides voice my concern? Please help me pull a blind friend out of a jam. Being a Friend Fiona

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Being a Friend Fiona
Let me first say you are already being a good friend by being so concerned. This sounds like a nightmare of a relationship, but the worst part is your friend's denial. Has the issue of their drinking been addressed? Something tells me she has been exposed to this type of a relationship before which is why she is inclined to defend her boyfriend and make excuses of his abusive behavior.

Your friend's protective reaction is most likely a result of her knowing deep down this relationship is wrong for her. When you chat, take a concerning approach and give her the information and tools she needs to make the right decision for herself.

You can talk until you are blue in the face and as much as you want the best for your gal pal, unfortunately, the choice is ultimately up to her. Bear with her and have faith that she will make the right decision by standing up for herself and realizing that this relationship is on a fast moving downward spiral. Hopefully, she can learn from this relationship and make better decisions for herself in the future.

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vmruby vmruby 9 years
In my experience with a friend who was in the same situation the easiest thing to do is to continue to be the good friend that you are obviously being and hopefully in time she will see what everyones else does.It's so difficult sometimes to stand by and watch. Unfortunately the more you say against him the more she will defend him and his actions. I believe deep down inside she knows something's not right with their relationship and she obviously isn't ready to admit it yet.Eventually she might stop talking to you because of the negative things that are being said . I have seen that happen as well. Please stick by her and when she finally does get it she's gonna need you to be there for her.Good luck to you and your friend!
Taffy222 Taffy222 9 years
You can't force her to get a clue. It sounds like you're upset at her for not seeing the truth. She just can't see it. She's blind to it. Continue to be her friend & when he dumps her be there for her to cry on your shoulder.
Romai Romai 9 years
I agree with everybody else, all you an do is be there for her. If she's not ready to see it on her own, basically nothing you do or say is going to make her see the light. I've been there and done that, and while it's sad, that's how it is in that sort of situation. Talk to her about it, but realize you can't change everything for her. Whatever you do, don't nag her about him constantly. You may feel like you're helping her to see him for what he is, but chances are better that she'll pull away from you.
Midnightkiss4u09 Midnightkiss4u09 9 years
me too, jessness.
JessNess JessNess 9 years
I have a friend in the same situation. He bf is a jerk and has even cheated on her (which we all told her about). He even lives with her and is totally mooching off her. None of her friends like him and no matter what we say it just doesnt get through to her. All you can really do is be there for her. If they were to break up and get back together you would always be the person that said horrible things about her bf. So just sit back and be supportive
NNPW NNPW 9 years
my comments always get deleted.
SuGaR-PoP SuGaR-PoP 9 years
Sometimes people that have been in stagnant situations for a good amount of time, use these types of relationships to create excitement and drama in their otherwise what may seem to them to be hum drum, boring, or uneventful lives. Some recover, some continue to spiral down. Likely she knows in the back of her mind that it's not a good relationship in the constructive sense. But she's got an itch and he's scratching it. The more you say no, the more she may cling. I think Dear Sugar said it best when she said give her the tools and let her make the decision. As long as you stay neutral, I believe you have a better chance of helping her to see the better road to take. Best wishes, you are a very caring and loyal friend. She is fortunate to have you.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 9 years
Damn, that sounds like a really uncomfortable and possibly dangerous situation. I agree with Dear that all you can really do is be a supportive friend, if you push her too hard or appear too judgemental she might just tell you to mind your own business. Tell her you'll always be there anytime day or nite if she ever needs to talk about anything. Try inviting her out just the two of you and doing something that will boost her self esteem, like a girls only spa day. If she feels better about herself she's less likely to have such poor self esteem, and eventually hopefully she'll realize how much better she deserves. One more thing...the next time you two get into a serious conversation about her boyfriend's abusive behaviour, ask her to imagine your situations reversed, how would she feel if she saw a guy screaming horrible things at you? Wouln't she want better for you?
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