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In Love With My Best Friend

"I'm in Love With My Best Friend"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

All right, so I'm getting kind of desperate here, and I'm beginning to wonder if there's any hope.  He and I have been close friends for about three years, almost four. We've been intimate with each other since November — after he took a train six hours away just to come see me (and surprise me) in the musical I was performing in — but not very actively as we are both college students attending separate colleges. 

He knows I am in love with him. After we had sex the first time (it was my first time ever) he told me that he "didn't regret it, but he felt bad about it." I told him that I loved him after that because I didn't think it was fair of me to not tell him. I ended the conversation before he could say anything to me about it. Things were stale and slow for a while due to the distance, so on his birthday I surprised him with a pair of sexy panties, which steamed things right back up again! We have had sex a few times since that first time in January, to HIS initiation, but not very much.

I don't really know where we stand relationship wise, and I want to ask, but at the same time I would prefer him to talk to me about it.  

But basically, he rarely calls me, texts me first, or initiates plans with me. He never really has, to be honest, that isn't really how he is. But what I'm wondering here is if it's possible to make him start pursuing and chasing me instead of it going the other way around as it has been, if we're past the point of no return here, or what not. I do understand and accept that he and I will both probably date other people casually before we date each other, as he is still trying to figure out his major and what he wants to do with his life, while I already know. I'm just not really sure what next step I should take here.

Please let me know what you think!

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously on Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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missmaryb missmaryb 3 years
I agree with the idea of giving up on this. He's young and thinks with his you-know-what right now. He's not thinking that by sleeping with you he's giving you the wrong idea and that he's hurting you by not calling. You are on 2 different pages and I doubt he's going to step into your page anytime soon. I think you should forget about any relationship with this guy and start checking out the cute guys at your college. If a guy is into you, you will know it. It's not that complicated (well, usually ha ha).
jkatie jkatie 3 years
You should try to move on. He's a young guy that lives at another school who rarely calls. Of course you sending sexy panties will spice things up he's probably a raging horn dog and if you don't think that your probably wrong. There's got to be a reason why he's not initiating calls, texts, or sex. Also the fact that you told him you love him just guarantees him sex when he wants it. I'm sure if he calls and wants to see you, you'll jump at the opportunity and he knows that. It's doubtful you'll ever have an actual relationship like you want with this guy. Plus if you have your shit together and know what you want to do and he doesn't then there's already difference, you'll eventually get sick of him no knowing what he wants in a career and in life.
ajayelle ajayelle 3 years
Honey. He doesn't like you or want to be in a relationship with if. if he did, then he would be or would have said something about where the two of you stand. No "but he..." Just stop and accept reality. And STOP having sex with him - he doesn't deserve it - he doesn't even care about you and you're doing something that personal with him? Move on. I know he was your first and you probably feel some sort of attachment to him, but you need to move on with your life. The longer you stay in this situation, the more pain you're going to be in.   And if you have to post to a website asking what you should do, and asking the pubic if some guy likes you...well then there's your answer.   I'm sure you're a great person. You'll find guys who actually care about you, give a shit about you, and want to be your boyfriend. Stop wasting your time on this one. On to the next.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
Oh I do not want to say this but... You are living in a fantasy -- that the guy who you gave your virginity to is waiting for you and will casually date other women (as will you) in the meantime. No, if he had that fantasy too, he'd 'put a ring on it' so to speak, at least give you a little locket or some token and constantly text you, planning on when you two and those panties will be meeting up again. That's how a guy shows his long-term intention. He said he regretted taking your virginity, that was a major red flag that his feelings for you don't match the emotional gravity of the situation for you and he knows it. His actions (or lack of them) also show it. You need to take your newly de-flowered self and liberate it from the fruitless fantasy. Cry your tears. Wail and hit the damn pillow with his name on it. He did not act like the best friend. A real friend will not hurt you so they can get some goodies. Male or female. Then put on those panties, the outfits that make you feel like the gorgeous thing you are and send signals to the men all around you that you are AVAILABLE. You won't feel like it at first. But then the attention will feel wonderful. And eventually someone will sniff around you that you actually want to sniff back. And how. There is a lot of wonderful male reality for you all around you! Especially in college -- this is the best guy finding opportunity in your life! Best to you.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
Vixen, you can't "make" him do anything. I think you're letting yourself in for huge disappointment by persuing a sexual relationship with this man you have feelings for whose behavior is telling you that he doesn't feel the same. And it's the behavior you always pay attention to. I really believe the helathiest thing you can do is keep you distance here, and refocus. Continuing to have sex with him is only going to keep you hoping and expecting something more from him, and, from your description of his respsonses and behaviors, more isn't coming. I'm sorry, but this sounds like a one way street to me, and I think your best bet is to let this go, give yourself some space, look for some objectivity, and date other people. Free your heart. If this friend wanted a deeper relationship he'd be persuing one, and he's not. Accept his actions, see the truth behind his behavior, and move on. Don't set yourself up for a bigger or more bitter disappointment than is already coming, judging from you post. best of luck
MorbidVixen MorbidVixen 3 years
I've actually been thinking of that...we kind of are on a friends-with-benefits basis right now
BiWife BiWife 3 years
maybe right now while you're both busy with college and living in different areas isn't the best time for you guys to pursue a serious relationship on a romantic level. Maybe you guys could be friends with benefits until you graduate?
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