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In Love With Two Men

"I'm in Love With Two Men"

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

I've been in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend for 7 years, however I've been cheating on him with another guy for 2 years now. I love my boyfriend very much. He is a great guy. He is the one. The other guy started off as a no-strings attached, but now it is serious. I've been living a double life. I can't make a decision. I want both guys in my life right now. I know it is not fair for them or me. It is stressful. I am 26 yrs. old. I've been with my boyfriend since I was 19. He knows me, supports me, loves me unconditionally and the bond we have is something I know I will never have with another man. I know that the other guy is not the one, but I feel like having fun with him. Maybe the fact that I've been in a long-term committed relationship has made me want to branch out and have different experiences. I don't know why the love I have for my boyfriend is not enough to end it with the other guy. I'm amazed that I have been carrying out that relationship for 2 years. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any advice in general about relationships? Please do not judge me.

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honestyAboveAll honestyAboveAll 3 years
There is no way a person can be happy while cheating on someone that never hurt you, someone that trusts you unconditionally and someone that seems like a perfect guy. You are doing it because you want out, deep down. But, since this guy seems so great and hasn't done anything to provoke a break-up, it seems like an absurd idea to just break up with him, you would much rather cheat and make sure he never finds out. That way, you are hoping that but the time you get bored with your lover of two years, you will discover an unconditional love towards the perfect guy which will prevent you from doing it to him again in the future. However, you may never love him to that point or he might(very likely) find out. What you are doing is not fair to anyone, especially to the guy you've been involved with for such a long time. Imagine his heartbreak if he finds out. Cheaters usually cheat because deep down they WANT to get caught. They are just not happy with their partners, that is why they cheat. Imagine you are head over heels in love with a guy. You love his strengths, his weaknesses, his oddities, his playfulness and his serious side. You love him in spite of his funny belly, in spite of his lack of spontaneity and his cynicism. You couldn't hurt him, could you. Not unless he has hurt you in some way, or you lost interest. Whether the new guy is just plain hot, super adventurous or interesting, he is giving you something your boyfriend isn't. However, he is not making you completely happy either, otherwise you would know in your heart that you need to break up with your bf to be with this guy. That's what people do when they find someone new-they end their old relationship to be with the new person. You need to figure out what you want as a person, what qualities you are looking for in a man. Maybe you are too young, you feel like your have been 'stuck' in this long term relationship ever since you became an adult, and you need some independence to actually find out what you want, and who you are. The current bf may be a nice guy, but obviously not nice enough for you. Maybe you don't want a nice guy guy right now, maybe you just want to have fun. Let it be. Do what is best for everyone. Stop being dishonest, because you are the person you are hurting most in this situation.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
DJ: that sucks. And your explanation of what happened is the consequences the LW needs to absorb in a very deep way. Cheating kills love. It just does.
jerseygirl81 jerseygirl81 3 years
Are you in love with your BF...or do you just love him...sounds like the later. BUt only you can answer this...2 years of cheating, something is wrong. Why can't you have it all and be in LOVE?? Are you just scared? Are you just used to being with your boyfriend? Please step away from the situation and ask yourself, what do you want in a relationship? is it lying..cheating, hurting someone? Hurting yourself? Take time to think about this....you deserve it and so does your BF and lover.
lcterp lcterp 3 years
Someone once told me that if you can't choose between two people then obviously neither of them are that important to you.  I think the cheating shows that you need to break up with your boyfriend because you need to move on but haven't because he is a safety net.  The man that you've been cheating with probably isn't for you either because you're too emotionally invested in the old relationship to see the second one clearly.  Move on from both completely, its the only way to clearly see what you want/need.
modafiniljunkie modafiniljunkie 3 years
It sounds like you've grown so comfortable with your boyfriend that you take him for granted.  He's not the one.  People who are happy in their relationships don't cheat.  If you're cheating, then something in your current relationship is lacking.  Break it off with your boyfriend and move on.  
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 3 years
He's not the one if you're cheating on him.  I've cheated too, let myself think that I still loved my boyfriend(at the time) and all these things we tell ourselves to not feel bad, but the truth is something is obviously missing and you've been finding it elsewhere.  You need to break up with both of them, for their sake as much as yours.  You've stayed in your relationship for so long because you probably feel like there isn't a good enough reason to break up and you've continued seeing the other guy for 2 years because you knew you could get away with having fun without committing to him, which you clearly wouldn't do if you were single.  Get out, have some fun on your own and the next time you do commit make sure it's to someone who you can be honest with.  
CiaoBella01 CiaoBella01 3 years
that was really hard for me to read. you said don't judge, but you can't expect many to sympathize with your situation. I have cheated yes, but not long enough to have a full fledge relationship and we ended it because I told him and he couldn't forgive me. Did I think i made the biggest mistake by cheating? yes, but i owned up to it immediately and told him and I lived with my poor judgment.    You need to do the same. It's horrible that you cheated on "the one" for two years and it doesn't even seem like you care. You worry more about yourself then the one who you claim is the one for you. This shows you immaturity. You need to come clean and he will probably break it off with you. Then you need to STAY single. You need to learn to love yourself before you can genuinely love someone else. If your boyfriend is as good of a person as you say he is, he deserves better than you. 
erin87 erin87 3 years
You said not to judge, but it's impossible for me not to. You say you love your boyfriend yet you don't feel any remorse or guilt or shame when you sleep with him, kiss him or even just hug him? What about when he tells you he loves you or he hugs you or he kisses you?   I think you just like the fact that you can have two guys at the same time who are into you.You like both of their attentions and you could care less about what they would like from you.   Like someone below me said, it's one thing to cheat once (and I still think it hurts), but to cheat for two years is another completely different thing. Your boyfriend, the one you say is "the one" for you, the one you say you have a "bond" with, has been with you for seven years. He's probably your best friend and he might be the one who knows you best. If not your love or your whole undivided attention, doesn't he at least deserve your respect? Again, it is beyond me how you can even look at him and smile at him like you're not cheating on him. Either you just don't feel any empathy for anyone or you just don't care. I wonder what you would feel if you found out he has been with a girl for two years.   I think that you will probably read this and think I've been too harsh on you without knowing you, but I can't even begin to understand you. I would say break up with him and NOT tell him about the affair. If you ever feel any guilt whatsoever, you should deal with it without releasing the crappy weight off your shoulders onto him. He may be "the one" for you (whatever that definition may mean to you) but you are definitely not the one for him, and he should be free to find someone who appreciates him.
timogi timogi 3 years
Yes, I have cheated before but not to this extent like yourself. It's obvious that you just want to have fun, you don't want to be in a relationship. You say you love your boyfriend but your actions prove otherwise. Maybe you love him but not enough to be faithful. You are NOT IN LOVE with either of these guys. You need to be single for a bit and get to know yourself without being in a relationship. I think that you want to end both relationships but don't know how to. Maybe you are scared to be alone. You have not grown together with your boyfriend of 7 years. Just because your boyfriend of 7 years is perfect doesn't mean he is perfect for you. If he was you would not be doing this to him. Think about if the situation was reversed. Could you be with someone who did this to you? Could you trust him? Yes, you won't have that bond with that you have him with anyone else. Hopefully you will have a better, stronger bond with someone else when the time is right. Start taking responsibility for your actions and face the consequences of them. This is a shitty situation that you put everyone involved in and it will be a shitty outcome because people will get hurt, that is just the way it is. But at least no one will die, everyone will learn and grow from this, hopefully.
strippedlove strippedlove 3 years
wow thats horrible what you did.I agree whole hearted with OhMyKatniss. I honestly cant believe that someone could be so selfish and cruel to someone they "love". I cant begin to imagine how shit it would feel if someone did that to me. Break it off with both of them because nobody deserved to be treated that way. I dont understand why people cheat  in the first place if you feel the need to cheat then you shouldnt be with someone period. i 
matoad matoad 3 years
It sounds like you're really confused. Which is understandable given that you haven't been alone since you were 19, but it also means you shouldn't really be with anyone right now. To decide how to handle this situation, it's not about how great your boyfriend or your other boyfriend is, or what they give you (love, support, understanding, adventure). It's about whether this is a life situation that fits you , that you can fulfil, and that helps you become a better person. Right now it seems that the 'long-term girlfriend' role doesn't fit you, doesn't help you - and you're obviously not fulfilling it either. So no matter how awesome your boyfriend is, you two as a couple don't seem to be an awesome constellation for you. It would have been great if you had known yourself well enough to recognize that two years ago before getting into this whole 'juggling-relationships' thing, but hey, self-awareness is not something we're just born with. I'd say if you can't end the no-strings-but-yes-strings thing right now and decide to happily be your longterm boyfriend's awesome longterm girlfriend, let them both go (your bf as gently as you can, possibly without telling him about the cheating - just tell him that you're young and realized that you actually have a lot of living-with-yourself to do to become a grounded person and do anyone justice in a relationship). And DO NOT entertain the idea of going back afterwards - that would be really messing with your (ex)bf. Let him be awesome on his own.
OhMyKatniss OhMyKatniss 3 years
No, i have  never been in this situation because I like to think that i, along with other smarter women, am able to recognize when i have a good man who is committed to me 100% and would never do anything to jeopardize that. it seems that you are being extremely selfish because you know your boyfriend loves you and yet because you "want to have fun" you're risking hurting him to his core. you have to be one of the most selfish people i have seen as of late and i hope that your boyfriend finds out and goes out to find a woman who truly appreciates him. its one thing if you cheated once, but to cheat knowingly, continuously for 2 years, you must be heartless. you deserve what you get and i do not wish you luck. you said not to judge you but the pure self centeredness of your story has made it impossible not to.
DJ-Osiris DJ-Osiris 3 years
@Bubbles12 -- Well I went through hell with her, but only on an intimate level, whereas I wanted intimacy and she didn't. We would go months and months without intimacy, but I tried daily. It's the main reason I fell out of love with her. We didn't fight a lot and outside of that, our relationship was loving, but she did go somewhere for a weekend with a guy friend. The details of it only came out during a heated argument we had a couple years later, and I'm not sure how long it lasted, but I'm guessing it lasted a while since I had my suspicions well before that weekend getaway. I never forgot about it, but I never brought it up again until we were on the verge of separating. It was a betrayal of trust and honesty, and knowing someone else had her when I couldn't because of her lack of intimacy towards me, even though she was my wife, was very painful. Still, I tried to make it work for years, but the lack of intimacy was killing me inside. So finally I just gave up trying and told her the love was gone.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
balance is the group dynamic. good cop, bad cop....I'm always grateful for your good cop, bubbles :)
farce1 farce1 3 years
You are in the wrong place to not be judged, so here goes, you are in love with yourself and don't respect yourself as a person. Get help in figuring out who you are to have a full and eventful life. Just so you know, there are men out there willing to swing, cause thats what your doing in a wrongful and hurtful way, not consensual.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
DJ sounds like you went through hell with your wife and I'm really sorry you went through that crap. I have been cheated on in the good old fashioned I-had-no-clue way too. Being cheated on is so common and it's so damaging no wonder everyone is whacking at her like a pinata. When I've truly effed up I've changed far more because someone expected it of me and pointed me the way to doing different and why it was important than being yelled at or beaten. I am also wholly in favor of a good smack on the butt. I think there is a lot of that going on here. Going for balance.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
"how it affects other people doesn't matter..." sorry, late.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
Want to say one more thing, because Bi's "spoiled child" jibes with something I was thinking earlier today. This whole attitude of "i want what i want when i want it and how it affects the other people involved" is an attitude we take with us to kindergarten, where we, hopefully, learn better. I don't know why you haven't learned better, but the results of actions such as yours are attitudes like Dave's and Dj's. This is the king of anger, disgust and outrage that results from someone using another person solely for their own satisfaction, without giving that other person an honest choice in the matter. Their attitude is what's waiting for you when this blows up.....however that happens.
BiWife BiWife 3 years
as a polyamorous wife of over a decade, I'm all for exploring sexuality outside of monogamy. However, and this is giant caveat, everything has to be done in absolute honesty and full disclosure to all partners. This is a matter of safety (emotionally and physically) and sanity. If you can't be open with "the one" enough to tell him you're also in love with someone else, he's not "the one" and it's likely not love in either case. The way you're going about it is to act in the most selfish way possible. You've put your own sexual/relational happiness over the health and wellbeing of both your male partners. Do you have any idea what kind of STD risk you're putting your boyfriend at? He hasn't had any chance to opt out of your sleeping around (even if it's only been with one guy for the last two years, that guy has likely slept with other women and indirectly expose you and your boyfriend), nor does he even know that that is something he should worry about. Quit acting like a spoiled child, break up with both men, and figure yourself out before you date someone else again.
DJ-Osiris DJ-Osiris 3 years
@Bubbles12-- She's been cheating for 2 years in a 5 year relationship. That's almost half of the relationship with the man she claims to "LOVE". I wouldn't believe for one second she could EVER be honest after being dishonest for so long. I am a firm believer that people are creatures of habit and she's made this outside affair a very big 2 year habit, that she just happens to be having fun with... I don't see much remorse here on her part. She's made her 2 year LIE a habit. She's made herself available to another man other than her "LOVE" a habit. She deserves no respect in my opinion and I'd have to agree with Aquadave-- She's fishing for someone to say it's ok... Bulls**t... And I'm sorry to say this, but I'm not gonna sugarcoat this with bulls**t. I already think this poster is a terrible person, because she shows no remorse while she's out gallivanting and "having fun" behind the back of a man she calls "the one". GTFO of here with that BS...
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
First, I agree with everything above, especially Henna's advice to read the 'picking situation' question. That said, I know you're wanting someone who understands and I think some part of you realizes this is messed up. How to clean it up? I do understand, kind of. I was in love with two men at the same time. I had a very new love in my home town. We agreed we wouldn't try to stay together for four years while I was in college. I left for college and found someone else within a month. I just went ahead with the college guy thinking it would all iron out. Ugh. It got ugly. Just as boyfriend and I promised, there were no lies, everything was out in the open. The first conversation I had with college boy I told him about the guy back home. Honesty was important, we were all trying to do the right thing. Problem was none of us felt safe emotionally, it confused everything. And it hurt. Although no one was admitting it til years later. Did I love them both? Absolutely. I still do. Did I act loving by trying to having them both? No, not at all. To this very day we still all harbor resentments toward each other. When people are in love rarely are they interested in sharing -- the vast majority want to be special and above all others. What you're doing now is killing important areas of true love, trust and respect deep in yourself. I can't tell you why you're doing this, but please take my advice, stop thinking this is about choosing someone and figure it out. It has nothing to do with either of them, I promise. And this kind of damage has very sad results over time. You're relatively young, but not too young. Get on it and good luck. My bet is on the guy you've been with. Go get help. Save a great relationship. Make yourself more worthy.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
It's not very damn committed if you're going outside of the relationship, and cheating with another guy. And of course, what you want, is soooo much more important than the rights of your boyfriend to make an honest assessment of what he wants in his life. He probably doesn't want another guy in his bed, which is what you've brought him. Are you only having safe sex? What you're expressed is not love. It's selfish, it's shortsighted, it's ugly, because you're not honest. Your are making choices for someone else without their knowledge and that's NEVER ok!
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 3 years
You have two fake relationships, which adds up to zero real relationships. The type of person who would have a two year affair probably wont' take this advice, but what you should do is end it with both of them and be by yourself. I'm guessing you have some seriously deep-seated issues that manifesting in this type of cheating. I know you won't but if you want to have a happy life and not be a terrible person, break it off with both of them.
Aquadave Aquadave 3 years
I can't believe they removed my comment! she doesn't need no psycho-babble sympathy. She's a cheater plain and simple. She's just looking for some one to say "it's ok to cheat" it's not ok. you don't deserve any sympathy. get your act together.
ladytexas ladytexas 3 years
You have found two different people that feed two different sides to you. I get it. However, you aren't in any honest relationship and neither of them will ever work if you aren't honest with yourself and those involved. You are lying to your long term boyfriend and likely past the point of repair. Also, what kind of guy is OK with you having a boyfriend? He likes that you are unavailable and once you are available to him, it likely won't work. Look inward. Neither of them can satisfy you. You have to satisfy you. You are young. It is scary being single and alone but if you can't be happy in your own skin you won't be happy in a relationship.
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