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IS IT MY DAME OR THE DISTANCE THAT’S GIVING ME DOUBT?

Dear Sugar
I am in a long distance relationship. We are engaged and have been dating for seven months. I love her, but there are a few things about her that make me angry. She constantly talks about her ex-boyfriends and she's still very friendly with two of them. They even have a special ring tone on her phone. I’ve asked her to stop talking about these dudes but she doesn’t listen.

Something else that really bothers me is that she tells me when guys hit on her - it comes up everyday. If it’s so often, isn’t she used to guys hitting on her? Women hit on me too, but I don’t feel the need to tell her about it. I feel like she’s just bragging.

Also, she just got a new job and now she talks about the guys there. One day I was with her and some guy called her phone. She answered and this is what I heard from her.

" Who is this? Trace, the dark haired dude? Where are you? Oh cool, I totally dig that. Where do I live? I live in Houston. How old are you? I am 19 - I dig that too. Well you can call me later, ok – bye.”

She did this right in front of me. When I asked her who that was, she told me that it was the guy from her car dealership telling her a way that she could get money off on her car.

He called again the next night at 9:00pm as well. I started to ask questions and she didn’t answer. I was getting angry and she could see it in my face, but all she wanted to do was hook up. I let it go, even though I was upset and a few days later I decided to confront her.

I told her how I had heard most of her conversation and asked her why she lied to me. She became angry and threw a fit. She cried and said I should trust her by now. I went to see her and we made up. But right after we made up her phone rang and it was the same dude. I just let it go because I didn’t want to argue anymore, but I am mad. Again it was 9:00pm.

Last night she called to tell me about the guys at work. She thinks they are super cool and even mentioned a guy named Trace. So that’s really not what I wanted to hear because now I know the whole car dealership story was bogus. Unfortunately, there are a couple of stories like this, but I always let it go.

Dear, what if I am wrong and she’s not lying to me. I am so upset and confused…I don’t know what to do. Hurt Henri

To see DEARSUGAR’s answer

Dear Hurt Henry,
You know what to do, you are just afraid to do it. Henry, call off the engagement. Not only is your girl not the marrying kind, but she sounds like the most immature 19 year old on the planet. I know that seven months may seem like a long time, but clearly, you don’t know her well enough to be committing the rest of your life to her.

Don’t settle for anything but the best - and she sounds like she’s about the WORST! She talks about other guys non-stop just to make you jealous you know. What’s the point of that? Does she want to see you blow up and go crazy or something?

Also, taking those kinds of calls in front of you is about the most disrespectful thing I’ve ever heard of. The problem is that you take it. You’ll go for the booty when she turns it on and you sweep the anger and the problems you guys are having under the rug. Be a man and take a stand. It’s time to feed your fiancée back into the lion’s den …that’s where she seems to want to play anyway.

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Join The Conversation
heatherp heatherp 9 years
do not expect her to change any time soon. don't you want to be wiht someone who respects you and does not try to one up you? there are SO many more people out there.
wynter wynter 9 years
I married at 19 so I don't think she's too young, but she does sound too immature. I agree, drop her. It'll be hard, but she's doing you so wrong. Even now 8 years later, if my husband isn't comfortable with one of my friendships (and vice versa), we distance ourselves from that person until we completely drop them. It's just a matter of respect for your loved one's feelings.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 9 years
19? I dont think she is old enough to make a decision (such as marriage) that will affect the rest of her life. Call it off. Just remember: When you get married, it will only get worse. Marriage is something you want to be 100% sure of.
Moongal Moongal 9 years
this girl is trouble and sounds way too imature. You should not tolerate this. Sounds like she is not ready to settle down. Is better to end it now, then keep getting more and more hurt by her.
honey31 honey31 9 years
Honey move on,it sounds to me that she wants you to get jealous.
mrs_smith mrs_smith 9 years
don't go through all the hassle of trying to get back at her by getting other girls calling you- I mean, we all know what you need to do- break it off. save yourself extra drama. it's not going to be fun, but it'll be better than getting divorced.
FB1977 FB1977 9 years
All I can say is she's 19? Um yeah, definitely move on...her age, combined with her actions, tells me she's so not ready to settle down. I remember how I was at 19, and I admit yes, I did silly things like this...but never to this extent. She's playing games, and you don't need that. Save yourself a divorce, and move on. Sounds like women already hit on you, so I'm sure you won't be single for long. ;-)
hammer04 hammer04 9 years
Dude- Here is some advice from another dude. I had something similar happen to me, however it was not at the engagement level with her.. You need to start chatting up other gals. Now, I am not saying CHEAT on your girl, but simply chat up other gals, become chummy with them and spread your cell number around. This will be advantageous for two reasons. FIRST- You will have your cell phone burning up with gals calling you, this will drive your girlfriend nuts, and she WILL complain. However, tell her that you thought you were at the level where you had to trust her with guys calling her non-stop, and thought she would trust you as well. Tell her that they are just friends, co-workers, etc. The same BS she is feeding you. Take this to the level where she is insane with jealousy and then agree to stop speaking with other gals, if she stops flirting up other dudes. SECONDLY- I agree with the ladies, she might not be the right gal for you, if my method did not work, then guess what? You have all these girls calling you dude! And you have reached a level where you actually know about them and can pick someone who you think you will be most compatible with to try and take to the next level! Good luck bro.
pinkangelmonkey pinkangelmonkey 9 years
i second crispet...drop her. she doesnt really seem to care about your feelings and resorts to tears to get you to change the subject. she seems melodramatic and not worth marrying if she is lying to you about where she is meeting these guys!
kylake kylake 9 years
"Feed your fiancée back into the lion's den." Ouch, Dear! I agree with you, but ouch! Seriously though, this "girl" (she is not a woman) cannot expect to treat you that way and get away with it. Let her be the "popular" girl she wants to be and let her go. Pronto. You seem like a good guy, much too good for the likes of her.
crispet1 crispet1 9 years
Drop her. Drop her like she should have dropped those calls. I know it hurts, but she is letting you know about these guys that hit on her and call her to let you know she is desirable. That if she wanted, at any time she could drop you and move on to another guy. Shes rotten for doing what shes done and clearly is not ready to settle down. Moreover, she doesnt respect you. You deserve a fiance that wants to be with you, honors you, is loyal to, doesnt want to hurt your feelings, etc. Shes not the one. Im sorry, but my advice is to let her go.
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