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Make Up or Break Up?

Dear Sugar
I have been married for just over a year and my husband and just had a baby boy. We have been together for almost three years and I was very much in love when we got married, but as hard as I try, I am just not happy in this marriage anymore.

It has gotten to the point where I don't even want to sleep in the same room with him. We got married relatively young; we were both 23 years old and my husband hasn't grown up since we had our son. He still acts like he is in college and drinks heavily on the weekends.

I have a full time job and at the end of the day, I still have to come home and be mother, a maid and a wife. I am truly miserable, but I would never want to hurt him. What would be the easiest, kindest and most gentle way to break the news to him that I am unhappy and I no longer want to be in this marriage. Discontent Destiny

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Discontent Destiny
I am sorry to hear you are unhappy in your marriage. Could you be suffering from postpartum depression? Have you been open with your husband about the way you have been feeling and your frustration with his partying ways?

Being a new mom and having a full time job can be extremely overwhelming especially when you feel like your husband is more like a second child than your life partner. While you are working hard, is your husband helpful with the baby or is he pitching in around the house?

It sounds as though he is is still adjusting to the responsibilities of being a husband and a father. Try talking to him and opening up the lines of communication between the two of you and let him know what you need in order to be happy in this relationship.

Since you had so much love for your husband before the baby arrived and added a laundry list of responsibilities to your life, do you feel like you are willing to work through these issues and give your marriage a chance to succeed? Have you considered going to couples therapy?

If you are truly miserable, you need to do what is best for you and your baby. Honesty is always the best policy and keeping your unhappiness a secret might hurt your husband more in the long run. Hopefully he will take your concerns to heart and if he is willing to change his ways, you can reassess your relationship and figure out what is best for all involved. Good luck to you.

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Mme-Hart Mme-Hart 9 years
Counselling can really help a relationship with woes! Good luck sweetie!
rubialala rubialala 9 years
I was married for three years and then we had our son. It was like a nuclear bomb hit our family. Having kids and balancing a marriage is SO hard. I thought our marriage was over and I was prepared to leave two years after our son was born. When I told my husband that I was ready for a legal separation and divorce, he really took it seriously. We started going to a marriage and family counselor, and now our marriage is better than it was before we even had kids! If you are both willing to try, then you can save your marriage, no matter how bad you think it is. Find a good counselor, and take time for each other. My husband and I go on dates all the time now, and it makes a difference. He also helps around the house, and he is more understanding of how difficult it is to be a working mom. Good luck to you and your family. I truly hope that you are able to work things out.
cynward cynward 9 years
Okay- This one I COMPLETELY understand. I am 20, married and have a 15 month old. I too went through the same thing. I am not going to tell you that you HAVE to stick it out or you HAVE to give it this or that. I am going to tell you what happened with me and maybe you can apply that to your situation. I had my daughter and I seriously wanted to kick my husband out every night. I was always frustrated, sad, angry, overwhelmed and I never felt like he did anything to help out. Turns out, he felt the same way. What we did is had two of our family members that were around us the most sit down and have an "intervention" as we will call it. I told him that I was truly unhappy and that I was feeling like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am not a fan of divorce but I also knew that I was not happy, and ultimately you always have to look out for you and your child. When you aren't happy you project that onto the baby, and the baby can develop a negative demeanor as well as a distant relationship with other people, become overly clingy and attached with you(not to sound cold hearted) and slow down advancements in learning. Sitting down with our family (or even a counselor would be great) made both of us realize where we needed to work and we asked each other could we do it? can we make this work? are we willing to change and STICK to it? I have to say that although there are still times I want to smack him upside the head (and im sure vice versa) that was ultimately THE best thing I ever could have done. Our romance/ intimacy has improved SO much since then, and I feel like we are getting back to that place. It is hard to get that romance that you had back now that you have a baby- but not impossible. Lack of sleep, stress of being a mom, stress of having a family to support, all of these make you emotionally erratic at the moment- and you don't want to look back and go- wow now that my son's this age I feel like we could have made it work, or anything like that.... That's what happened to my parents, and they both still tell me that they could have worked through their little tiffs but they didn't want to put the time and effort into it- in their defense they were REALLY young, but still both are hurt by the fact that they went their separate ways without at least trying. hope this helps a little bit and if you ever need to talk, feel free to email me! Cynthia
tifygodess24 tifygodess24 9 years
You need to speak your mind to your husband. Im 26 and been married for 7 years I got married to my husband when I just turned 19( 3 days after my bday) and had my first daughter at 21. So I totally understand the whole being married young thing. I think when you are at a young age when you get married it adds to how hard things are especially at the beginning. You both are changing so much and thats so hard on a newly married couple.Then having a baby adds to the mix. Guys can be so clueless at times and they just dont get it. Women go threw so much that changes them as a person , and having a baby does that more then many other things. Your husband didnt go threw carrying a life inside him and I personally believe most men are just not as emotionally intuned to things as women. That being said you need to go up to him have a sit down in a quite room and lay it all out on the line. Maybe in a polite way you need to explain to him hes a grown man with a baby now and has responsibilitys as much as you do and (especially if he has single children free friends) his behavior is sometimes unexceptable. Explain to him that hes not the only one who has had to make sacrifices whether anyone wanted to or not. Yes and there are things hes not going to like but thats life. Theres a time and place for everything. He doesnt need to give up having a good time but doing it every weekend is not ok as well. I think the big thing is talking about it. As far as the marriage counsler thing Id wait. Sometimes that works sometimes it doesnt. If you see a counsler it should be for you so you can vent and get an unbiased opinion about things and it might help you to see things about yourself that maybe you didnt even know or see. Theres no shame in that. Just dont be drastic.Marriage is no fairy tale and it takes lots of work. Marriage is one of the hardest things you do in life but can also be the most rewarding next to being a mom. But you do need to do what is right for you no matter how hard that may be. You live this life only once. So you need to live it happy! Good luck!!
Elevenhounds Elevenhounds 9 years
Every marriage goes through rough patches. There are honestly times that I want to smash my husband's face in with a shovel...we have been married nearly 14 years. We went through a few really bad times and have become closer because of them. You never said whether he was willing to seek counseling or not. You definitely should see a counselor. Not just for your son's sake but for yours as well. You may think that single parenthood is better than living with an immature man but there are plenty of single moms who will say differently.
justjaime27 justjaime27 9 years
I'm sorry you're going through this. But I would definitely try to talk to him about how you feel...and even maybe try marriage counseling, before you give up on it, considering you mentioned how in LOVE with him you were before. Think of the reasons you DID marry him in the first place. Having a baby, getting married, etc., SO many things become stressfull in marriages, and marriage is not easy...it takes work sometimes, but in my experience, I've luckily always found happiness at the end of the tunnel w/my hubby. Obviously everyone's different, but I would definitely try to work through it if it's worth it to you. Do you love him? Can you picture your life without him? Can you count more happy times than hard? Maybe seek some help. Postpartum depression could also be the cause...but since we're not doctors here, I'd get help and find out. Best of luck to you...I hope things get better! :)
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
I had a friend with the same problem right after she had a baby and agree with dearsugar. Have you thought about talking to him first about how you are feeling and how you are overwhelmed and need him to grow up and assist you? My friend had some postpartum depression and was just overwhelmed -- after visiting the doctor and telling her husband that changes needed to be made pronto she is doing better and is still with her husband. Hope you can work on this relationship before giving up.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
what would be the easy way to tell your new husband that all though you said you'd be together forever; well.... you've tried it for awhile and with the baby and all you changed your mind? there isn't one. you may have heard the saying "most people are about as happy as they make up they minds to be". think about that and the fact that this baby and this man will be in your life FOREVER regardless of your marital situation and that you will likely have to work more hours and be even more tired if you become a single parent. there's no escape hatch sweetie you just have to suck it up. 2007?
egoyangyi egoyangyi 9 years
For your son... please try everything you can to work out the marriage.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
With all the changes in your lives recently neither one of you is handling it well. I would strongly suggest marrige counseling for you I don't think a weekend away is going to do much good.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 9 years
i'm so sorry that you feel unhappy. :( you've only been married one year and just had a baby, those are some big changes! i'd give it time, maybe one of your parents could help out with the baby for a weekend and the two of you could find a bed and breakfast to reconnect, talk out frustrations, and sleep, sleep, sleep. leaving a baby with a loving grandparent for a weekend to work on your marriage is a perfectly healthy thing to do. i hope it all works out for the best for you two, it would be such a shame to rush for divorce so quickly.
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