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Marriage Falling Apart

Group Therapy: Our Marriage Is Falling Apart

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been married for four years to my husband, and now I am at a cross road and don't know what to do. Things have changed since being married to my husband, some good, and some not so good.

Before I got married I was driven, focused, and I knew what I wanted out of life and what I didn't. I knew that I wanted to go to college, and earn my degree so that one day I could make something out of myself. I also had hobbies and a life with friends, and family. But when I got with my husband, things changed, and I don't know what to say or do.

When we got together we had the fundamentals down: I told him honestly what I need from the relationship love, attention (lots), affection, etc. I also told him what I didn't want, kids, which we have one now and I wouldn't change that for the world. But that has changed me. I love my daughter and I do want another child, and he is still adamant on never having another child, while I fantasize about having another. I also find that he has an obsession with gaming and the Internet that takes time and attention away from our family. This has been going on for some time, and I can't seem to get through to him, he either doesn't want to accept we have a problem or doesn't want admit he knows were on a bumpy path.

I know that since we have a child together that I should keep fighting for us, or at least that's what I think will be said, but I have been fighting for us single handedly. He is caught up in his game, spending time with his brother, and even his daughter; I am the one left out. When he cooks he cooks for his family, excluding me, by making food I can not eat. But the worst part is, I find that I am no longer attracted to him, I love him, but I don't know if it is the same. What should I do?

 

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jenjen82 jenjen82 4 years
The fact that he is not willing to go to counseling and try to FIGHT for his relationship is a sign a marriage is heading for divorce. Personally I got an image of a lazy unattentive clueless slob when you said he was a gamer. Total turnoff. He sounds like the kind of guy who will only realize what he had when it's gone. That or just continue to sit on the couch and play video games all the time like a tuned out loser. Sorry! :(
jenjen82 jenjen82 4 years
The fact that he is not willing to go to counseling and try to FIGHT for his relationship is a sign a marriage is heading for divorce. Personally I got an image of a lazy unattentive clueless slob when you said he was a gamer. Total turnoff. He sounds like the kind of guy who will only realize what he had when it's gone. That or just continue to sit on the couch and play video games all the time like a tuned out loser.Sorry! :(
GTCB GTCB 4 years
Wow, you're being immensely disrespected by someone who takes you for granted. Better get it through his head that taking a spouse for granted is the ticket to divorce.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
This all sounds vaguely familiar to me, as it was this type of behavior that led to my divorce. We did not have a child though and he turned abusive, something I hope never happens to you. I, too, talked to my ex over and over about how he was hurting me and what I needed from him to make it work and so on, and he would fix it for about a week and then go back. I know you think you need counseling but we did that as well and all it made me see was what I already knew; that we weren't meant to be together. Maybe you could try counseling on your own, get some good insight from someone as to things you can do to make yourself happy. When you are happy as a person it can lead to you being happy with everything else in your life. Your hubby will see a change in you and hopefully want to be a part of that. Start having your own hobbies back and see if you can reach out to your old friends if not make new ones. Having a life outside of your marriage that makes you feel fulfilled will make you happier in your marriage and your husband will see that positive change in you. Also, seeing you go about your life without him should be a good wake up call for him to see that you could be doing just fine on your own and he should be preventing the end of your marriage just as much as you are. I really wish you the best of luck!
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
This all sounds vaguely familiar to me, as it was this type of behavior that led to my divorce. We did not have a child though and he turned abusive, something I hope never happens to you. I, too, talked to my ex over and over about how he was hurting me and what I needed from him to make it work and so on, and he would fix it for about a week and then go back. I know you think you need counseling but we did that as well and all it made me see was what I already knew; that we weren't meant to be together. Maybe you could try counseling on your own, get some good insight from someone as to things you can do to make yourself happy. When you are happy as a person it can lead to you being happy with everything else in your life. Your hubby will see a change in you and hopefully want to be a part of that. Start having your own hobbies back and see if you can reach out to your old friends if not make new ones. Having a life outside of your marriage that makes you feel fulfilled will make you happier in your marriage and your husband will see that positive change in you. Also, seeing you go about your life without him should be a good wake up call for him to see that you could be doing just fine on your own and he should be preventing the end of your marriage just as much as you are. I really wish you the best of luck!
Shaddowkat101 Shaddowkat101 4 years
The issue is we have talked, and he just drops it. He assumes that once the problems have been brought to the table, that it makes it better, or he works on the problem for like two weeks and its go back to routine. I just don't know. He also refuses to go to counseling with me, he said he doesn't want to go to a stranger to help us, and I am a psychology major in college. I just don't know. I just feel like I am tired of trying and what not..
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
I agree that you need to get some serious communication going. I had some of those sane problems and ended up divorced. If you don't want to go that route, you need to fix it now. I recommend talking, lots of it, and marriage counseling if it's available to you. Good luck.
Senix Senix 4 years
I'd say that you need a BIIIIIIIIIG talk with your man. This can't go on, it's not healthy for you, it's not healthy for your kid, because what kind of an example are you setting? I know this is not intentional, so don't feel bad about it, but you have the power to change the situation so that's why you need to have a big, deep-going talk about your life together, your expectations of each other and what you hope to have in the future ...
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