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Mom Is Pressuring Me to Get Married

Group Therapy: My Mother Is Pressuring Me to Get Married

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm single, 27 years old with four younger brothers who are all aged in their early twenties. My younger brothers are in relationships, and one of them is currently engaged. I have been single for three years, have dated here and there.

I live at home as I am currently helping out the family, and my job recently cut back hours due to the economy we are in. My mother said she wants me married by 30. (She) states that it's not normal for a woman of my age to be single. She criticizes the way I dress and speak and says they will not accommodate a man. She makes me wear things she buys, and sets me up on dates with some of her church friends' kids.

I'm exhausted; I feel as if I can't do well by her. There is no way I'm going to meet that goal if I don't like any of these guys! I am on every dating site imaginable, my friends help me out as much as possible, but I'm feeling more and more like a charity case than anything. I have told her repeatedly to let me be, and allow me to find a man for myself.

I have even gone so far to even threaten to leave, in which "emergency problems" happen financially and now I'm bound to stay. I don't know what to do anymore; I'm so frustrated.  Meeting the "one" is difficult enough, but now I have to get married by 30, and I'll be 28 this year.

What to do?

P.S.: There is nothing wrong with me; I'm averagely decent looking, smart and educated. Yet, I still can't manage to pull a man to marry!

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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producer1 producer1 4 years
Hi I work for a show in NYC I would love to speak with you about a show we are having this Thursday please call me so I can give you details: 212 275 8925
missbowie missbowie 4 years
It's your life and your decision to get married, not your mother's. While most western marriages might have been arranged once upon a time it's the 21st century and your dating life should be your business, not a charity case. Your relationships (or lack thereof) should be a result of your decisions.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
I have a friend in her 60's who has been married three times, been divorced for over 20 years and until recently was in a 15 year relationship with a man 20 years younger than she is. She has grown children and a job that she loves...she has NO interest in remarrying at all. She does not live with 50 cats. Some people realize that marriage is not for them, and are truly happy and enjoy the freedoms being single brings. In fact, she doesn't live alone....her 26 year old daughter still lives with her and pays no rent and barely helps out with anything financial, but feels free to go back and forth between her house and her boyfriend's. My friend really wants her out, but is reluctant to push her on the issue, given the economy. Just saying, let's not stereotype single females over 60 as being miserable and living in a home taken over by ferocious felines.
looseseal looseseal 5 years
Don't you just love people whose minds haven't successfully made the transition into the 21st century? It's not always just the moms and old church ladies of the world that are like this, either. I've cut off all communications with a few creepy uncles over stuff like this. I just don't get anything out of having a relationship with them that makes it worth putting up with their bullshit. Of course, it's not as easy to just cut your mother off, so you have my sympathies. To think of this kindly: maybe your mom is worried about your future happiness. In which case talking to her about how "you appreciate her concern but you're feeling bad about yourself and if this keeps up it would only make you less attractive and less likely to land a maaaan" might get her to back off you a little (though she will still think what she thinks, at least it won't wreck as much havoc on you). To think of this in a cynical way: maybe your mom is hoping to marry you off to someone who can help support her financially. You know, kind of like what marriage was all about in the middle ages. In which case it definitely is advantageous to Mommy Dearest to train you to become a submissive wife who won't leave even if you get mentally and/or physically abused. I sincerely hope you're not really taking this "you have to be married by 30" crap seriously. Desperation isn't attractive, and this kind of thinking will make someone reek of desperation that can be smelled from miles away. Better to take a "relax, whatever will be, will be; worrying about it won't help" attitude.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 5 years
Are you able to financially care for your family without living with them? Maybe send money or pay certain bills? Your mom won't change. Those ideas are ingrained in people, maybe she'll make less comments if you tell her but I think the answer is to move away. Also: it's ok to want to get married yourself and feel pressure from the inside as well as your mom. Don't let it get you down -you'll find someone to marry And last thing: Do not be like Sex and the City ladies. They were just nasty whackos
JessicaM25 JessicaM25 5 years
Helen-Danger, I meant to say that you were rude in 'assuming' that she was not financially taking care of her family when she clearly stated she was. This is clearly just a post and there are probably more underlying facts to what is being then what is actually written. Either way, I hope you didn't take it personally. It's only the internet, and this is only a post.
shelbyrist shelbyrist 5 years
Well you aren't alone, there are lots of Mom's out there like yours. I suggest you read a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie... and move out.
socialme84 socialme84 5 years
tell your mum, "it's not my time yet". because that is the truth. what can she say to that?
mnp mnp 5 years
I'm in a similar situation, too. (Though, I'm moved home to save money to buy my own place/pay off most my debts at my own will.) // I think the best way to handle this situation is to learn to not let things like this get under your skin. Your mother is going to stay this way and she won't change. Moving out and living paycheck to paycheck may save your sanity but it's another struggle which I don't think you should have to take on right now. I think you might benefit from speaking to a therapist to get some insight and some emotional support. // Good luck!
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 5 years
Wow. I feel bad that you are living with that kind of pressure. I would think the last thing your mom would want would be for you to run off and get married before you find the right guy or before you're ready just to meet her timelines because that kind of marriage is doomed to fail. Having said that, I have to agree with Helen Danger that the best way for you to avoid your mom's nagging may be for you to get some financial independence and get out of your mom's house. No matter how much you tell your mom that it's 2011 and times have changed, I don't expect you to have any success at changing her ways so if you want to get away from the nagging, you need to move out and put some physical distance between you and your mom. If you stay, you will have to find a way to maintain confidence in yourself as a single woman as you inevitably will continue to endure your mom's running commentary.
Katie-Sweeney Katie-Sweeney 5 years
Tell her to get with the times! It's 2011 and you most certainly do not have to be married by the age of 30. I'm 29 and I've been single for 6 years and I don't think there is anything wrong with me. Look at the characters from Sex and the City as an example: the 3 that were married didn't do so until their 30s. Stand up for yourself and be strong. Good luck! I'm confident that in time you will find the right guy for you.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Security and safety come at a price. They take hard work and hardship on the one hand, or putting up with your benefactor's crap on the other. It may or may not be possible to get your mom to back off while you're still under her wing. That depends on how controlling she is and how far she'll go to get her way. If you want to find your own man on your own terms, you'll need independence first. Get an apartment in a safe but unfashionable part of town and a roommate. Don't let financial emergencies stop you. I know that's a lot harder to do than it is to say. At the very least, pay your parents some rent. That gives you the right to make some demands. Or if you choose to stay for free and mom won't budge, embrace your decision to live at home until you get married. Matchmaking by family and family friends is part of the whole process. Roll with it with a smile on your face. Go on blind fixup dates, take advice from your elders, and don't grumble about it where anyone can hear you. You have to sacrifice something to get what you want. If you keep heading in your current non-committal trajectory, one day you'll find yourself 60 years old, living in your parents' house, alone. With 50 cats. The 'maiden aunt' is the lady who lived at home all her life but rejected all her suitors. Don't be her.
GregS GregS 5 years
Tell her to lay off. There are loads of women and men out there that aren't married by 30. Seriously, tell her to take a step back and work her way into the 2010's and out of the 1950's.
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