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A Mountain Out Of A Molehill?

Dear Sugar
I met a new friend through my husband right when we started dating, she was the girlfriend of one of his good friends. One night before I met them, this girl had a night of drunken sex with my husband and they never told her boyfriend. He has sworn to me that it was just that one time and they both barely remember it and that they both feel terrible for lying about it.

I don't know this girl very well, she seems nice enough, but every time she is around my husband, I feel like she is always nonchalantly flirting with him. I don't necessarily think they are having an affair, but their relationship makes me very uncomfortable.

Whenever they are together, there is sexual tension in the room and it feels like she is undressing him with her eyes. They act like they have spent more than just one night of drunken sex together and it makes me feel like he is lying to me about her. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Overreacting Olivia

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Overreacting Olivia
Have you told your husband how their relationship makes you feel? The fact that they have been carrying on a lie for quite sometime is bound to make you feel weary and you have every right to speak your mind. If your woman's intuition is making you question her motives, get your feelings off your chest and talk to your husband.

Many people are flirtatious by nature. Do you feel like she is over the top with your hubby? Has your husband ever betrayed you in the past to make you feel insecure when he is around other women? If they did spend more than that one night together before he met you, are you worried they still have some sort of a connection?

If you still get skeeved out by her after talking to your husband, then distance yourself from her for a while. Try to remember that even if she does have the hots for your husband, their night together was in the past and you are the woman that he loved enough to marry. You are his present and his future.

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Join The Conversation
lolak lolak 9 years
OH this would definitely drive me crazy!!! I wouldn't trust them around each other and if you feel sexual tension and nonchalant flirting............Good luck Olivia, I really have lots of respect for you and the calmness I sense in you. In a way it's kinda good he told you cause it seems like he is very comfortable relying on you as a friend and wife which is very important, so you really have to teach me how you do this cause I'm crazy jealous =) I never trust ex-anything, flings, girlfriends, crushes, flirts NOTHING!!! but then again I have been through some crazy and hurtful experiences that I can't seem to stop being afraid of.
getstinko getstinko 9 years
Are they still concealing this from his "friend"? If so your husband isn't a very good "friend" and since that's the case he shouldn't have trouble distancing himself from this girl and his "friend". He's putting you in a very uncomfortable position and if you ask me he is an inconsiderate jerk. I'm a guy and it also sounds like he's trying to protect your feelings by downplaying the times and intensities of his WILD HOT SEX with this chick. I say WILD HOT SEX because people minimize the significance of sex sometimes - consider that this girl you are having at your house has been as intimate with your husband as you have, that's not cool at all. Grow a backbone tell your husband to back away from the drunken ho.
Vsugar Vsugar 9 years
How long had you been together when he revealed this little nugget of information?? If you had been dating for 6 months, and then he told you because he thought you shouls know, I wouldn't worry about it. If you had been married for 5 years, and then he was like, oh yeah, by the way, did I ever tell you I nailed her the night before we met??? that would make ME extremely uncomfortable. Just curious.
t0xxic t0xxic 9 years
And Dearsugar where is ur input it seems to have disapperaeD?
t0xxic t0xxic 9 years
Input from the big fat overly jealous paraniod pregnant woman: Tell him that if may have been a one time thing and that you appreciate him being honest with you but that you do not feel comfortable around someone that has had him and youd appreciate it if he would respect that you dont want him around her or her around you. He is your husband and honestly he has to respect that, if he acts a fool over it, Id look into it more. What man doesnt want his wife to feel better about him and there trusting relationship. Bottom line is your incomfortable and that needs to be solved. Im pretty sure he wouldnt like feeling the same way if one of your flings were in your circle and always giving you googly eyes and if he says it wouldnt bother him 9xs out of 10 hes just saying that to try and get his way. But like I said if theres nothing going on and all he wont mind staying away from her for the sake of your sanity and self esteem.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 9 years
well, if it happened before he dated and married you, i'd let it go. if he's never given you a reason to not trust him, i'd let it go. justjaime has good advice, he comes home to YOU and loves YOU. :)
justjaime27 justjaime27 9 years
Here are some questions for you to ask yourself. -Does he come home every night to you? -Does he act weird around the house when you're alone, I'm sure you can tell by now when he's lying...guilty people suck at lying. -Do you trust him? If you trust your husband, I'd leave it behind. The fact is that YOU have him now. He is yours, you are his. You are married. And while yes, men can still stray, do you really think he's having an affair still with her? I mean, how weird is it really when you're around them, if it's that strange, I'd talk to your husband about how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Maybe you don't need to hang out with them as often. The fact is he picked you. You are the one he loves. Maybe there is weirdness because well, it's weird. But maybe that's it. Are you normally a jealous person, or just when they are in the same room together? I know girls that are still friends with my husband even though they dated in the past. It's hard for me to think about it sometimes, but then I remember, IT'S IN THE PAST!!! He loves me, I trust him, he comes home to ME every night. He's never given me an ounce of reason not to trust him...he's a good man. So if you feel confidence in your marriage and in your husband, and if you trust him 100%, I'd say don't worry about it. Just dazzle that ring right in front of her...lol. And enjoy your marriage. If you really are worried though, talk to him about it. See what he says. It may bring an argument, but arguments will happen in any relationship, including marriage. At least then you may find some peace to the situation. Best of luck to you...hang in there, let us know how it goes. Bottom line: he chose you. :) Good luck!
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