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Moving Back Home in Your 20s

Group Therapy: Dealing With Parents After Moving Home at 25

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

For financial reasons, I moved back in with my parents at the age of 25. Having moved out at 18, this was a huge adjustment from the independence I was used to, but it had to be done.

When I lived on my own, I had a great life: I had a decent boyfriend, good job, and I lived a healthy lifestyle. I have since broken up with the decent boyfriend, having found out he wasn't so decent after all.  However, living at home, my parents are always sabotaging me! When I leave to go to the gym, they say mean things like "she'll never get as skinny as she wants" or "what's the point in working out anymore . . . you're fat" kind of comments.

There are always temptations like cake, ice cream, cookies, etc. in this house. When I lived alone, I recognized those as temptations and I didn't buy them so the temptation wasn't there. I have asked them to stop buying so much of it (maybe one at a time, not every dessert ever made at once) or at least stop leaving them in plain sight. However this didn't work. I know I choose what to eat, but watching them eat lasagna and ice cream and all that looks so good!

And dating?! Forget that. My parents will call, text, email, etc. until I pick up the phone. It's like they are convinced I am 12 years old again. I can't take much more of this, but unfortunately, I have to until finances are settled. How can I have a healthy relationship with my wonderful parents (who have done so much for me, and for that I am grateful) without hurting feelings here?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

Source: Flickr User megan.barton

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soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 5 years
It doesn't help you to say "Their house, their rules". I wish people on here would get that. Your best bet is to save as much as you can as quickly as you can and leave. As for their comments, you need to put your foot down and say they are unwelcome and hurtful and you expect better behavior from your parents.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
Well you can't control what they eat, but it is cruel for them to ridicule you for your weight. This sounds like a toxic environment for you and if they won't communicate the only thing for you to do is work hard and move out asap. I've struggled with my weight at times, and one thing that helps me to remember the skipping the sweets feels better than eating them. There are times I will literally be reaching for a cookie and I will firmly tell myself NO and grab something healthy like fruit or a granola bar. And it makes me feel so good about myself. As for your curfew, leave your phone on silent and check it every hour or two. Respond promptly when you do get a message from them. When they see that you are keeping in touch but you won't jump every time they call, maybe they'll loosen up. There was also a comment about how you 'chose' to move back home. Yes, you chose moving back home... as opposed to choosing to be homeless? I think that comment shows a real lack of sensitivity. I doubt you would put yourself in this position if you didn't have to.
moam-network moam-network 5 years
AWWW IM STILL AT HOME, WON'T BE MOVING ANY WHERE UNTIL EVERYTHING IS STABLE-ISH !!!!! http://mo-am.com/blog
littleerca littleerca 5 years
I agree with the advice to try to spend as little time at home as possible, that is the only way I stay sane some days. I am 26 and living at home with my 2 little girls because I have no other option. I was a stay at home mom the entire time I was married and now it's impossible to find a job that fits with my custody schedule. My parents refuse to help me out with working and it's very frustrating when they make comments on how I should live my life and raise my kids.I get criticized for going to college, going to the gym, and my boyfriend of 2 years can't spend the night. I understand that it is their house and I am grateful that I had a place to go after my divorce, but I don't know how much more I can take.Good luck!! Let's hope we can both get out soon!
littleerca littleerca 5 years
I agree with the advice to try to spend as little time at home as possible, that is the only way I stay sane some days. I am 26 and living at home with my 2 little girls because I have no other option. I was a stay at home mom the entire time I was married and now it's impossible to find a job that fits with my custody schedule. My parents refuse to help me out with working and it's very frustrating when they make comments on how I should live my life and raise my kids. I get criticized for going to college, going to the gym, and my boyfriend of 2 years can't spend the night. I understand that it is their house and I am grateful that I had a place to go after my divorce, but I don't know how much more I can take. Good luck!! Let's hope we can both get out soon!
Elise-Marie Elise-Marie 5 years
I had to move home when I took a semester off from college, so I totally understand. It's hard to have any privacy or freedom. My best advice is to stay as busy as possible. I got a part-time job, an internship and offered to do a bunch of errands so I didn't have to sit around at home with my parents nagging me all the time. Also, remember that this could be the last time you get to be this close to your parents. Something really good could come from it. In my experience, my parents got to know me more as an adult than as a teenager, and our relationship has been much healthier as a result. Good luck!
Elise-Marie Elise-Marie 5 years
I had to move home when I took a semester off from college, so I totally understand. It's hard to have any privacy or freedom. My best advice is to stay as busy as possible. I got a part-time job, an internship and offered to do a bunch of errands so I didn't have to sit around at home with my parents nagging me all the time. Also, remember that this could be the last time you get to be this close to your parents. Something really good could come from it. In my experience, my parents got to know me more as an adult than as a teenager, and our relationship has been much healthier as a result. Good luck!
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
Well, I would not talk to them about this. It seems almost like a hobby. I would suggest spending as little time a home as possible. Take classes, go to the gym twice a day, eat out, etc. As for your phone; don't answer it. Turn it off and say it was either in your car or the battery died. Yes they are helping you out by letting you live there, but they don't get to control your every choice, action, etc Hetes to you moving out SOON :cocktail:
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
Well, I would not talk to them about this. It seems almost like a hobby. I would suggest spending as little time a home as possible. Take classes, go to the gym twice a day, eat out, etc. As for your phone; don't answer it. Turn it off and say it was either in your car or the battery died. Yes they are helping you out by letting you live there, but they don't get to control your every choice, action, etcHetes to you moving out SOON :cocktail:
totygoliguez totygoliguez 5 years
In regards to the food and gym, deal with it. You can't expect to come to their hose and tell them what to buy. You are in their house and you have to live by their rules, unless you are paying for rent. I will recommend for you to save as much as possible so you can move out.
MeiGaku MeiGaku 5 years
you chose to move back home... therefore you live by their rules. unless you're paying rent... then you have the right to do what you want, imo.
tatsauce tatsauce 5 years
I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm still living at home (I'm 27) but it's to help my mom out, as opposed to the other way around. I want to move out so bad but my mom isn't working. I'm giving her until this summer to find a job because this summer is when my boyfriend and I plan to move out.I wouldn't mind living at home if my mom wasn't home all the time! I can relate to all the phone calls and being bugged about everything, especially about cooking dinner! My mom doesn't understand that I'm trying to watch what I eat. Like everyone else says, you have to suck it up! Which is exactly how it sounds, it freakin' sucks! I find that going out with friends during the week for a happy hour/gossip sesh or the weekend, helps tremendously! Hang in there girl.
tatsauce tatsauce 5 years
I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm still living at home (I'm 27) but it's to help my mom out, as opposed to the other way around. I want to move out so bad but my mom isn't working. I'm giving her until this summer to find a job because this summer is when my boyfriend and I plan to move out. I wouldn't mind living at home if my mom wasn't home all the time! I can relate to all the phone calls and being bugged about everything, especially about cooking dinner! My mom doesn't understand that I'm trying to watch what I eat. Like everyone else says, you have to suck it up! Which is exactly how it sounds, it freakin' sucks! I find that going out with friends during the week for a happy hour/gossip sesh or the weekend, helps tremendously! Hang in there girl.
blooditsnotfunny blooditsnotfunny 5 years
in regards to the weight issues, i think you need to do you and let them do them. you go to the gym and don't eat unhealthy foods. don't let their comments affect you. also, let them live their own less healthy lifestyle. if they want to eat junk food that's really their own choice, just as is your choice not to and to go to the gym. if you comment on their healthcare behaviors, you can't expect them not to make snarky habits about yours.
lilkimbo lilkimbo 5 years
Whoa, sorry my response was so long! I didn't realize that until I just saw it posted.
lilkimbo lilkimbo 5 years
I think two of these things are problems that need to be addressed and one is just something you may have to live with. I think the first issue, that they are commenting about your weight is a big deal and would be a big deal whether you lived with them or not. If they are mocking your efforts to get healthy, I think that's a big deal. Honestly, as hard as it may be, I would sit them down and let them know how their comments make you feel. You said your parents are great people who really care about you, so I'm sure if they realize how much these comments are hurting you, they will make an effort to stop. If they don't live a healthy lifestyle, it's not like you are going to change them entirely, but maybe you could also tell them how much you enjoy working out and suggest that your mom attend a class with you, that you go on a walk with your dad, etc. Maybe this will have two benefits and they will stop making fun of you and get healthier themselves. (I know it can be hard to suggest that other people do something like this without being condescending/annoying/making them upset with you, so I guess it's up to you to gauge whether this would work with your parents. I know my mom used to never work out and I took her to a beginning yoga class and she loves it now. She has MS, which makes it difficult for her to do some classes, but she has gone on her own and taken the initiative to find classes for people with rheumatoid arthritis, which are usually also good classes for people with MS.)As far as the third issue, again, I would talk to your parents. Let them know that you will call them back when you get their messages, but that you are 25 now and you feel you are deserving of a certain degree of independence. I also think that if you pay even a little bit of rent to your parents it will really help your case here. Sure, they will still be your parents, but it will help them see you a little more as an adult. If they won't accept rent from you, pay a few of the household bills or do the grocery shopping. I know money is an issue so you obviously won't be able to pay the same that you would for an apartment, but I really think contributing financially, even if it's just a small amount, will help frame the situation differently.As for the food issue, I don't really think there's much you can do about this. Of course, you can try to suggest healthy alternatives and buy some healthy alternatives, but they are going to want to eat what they want to eat. And honestly, I think they are in the right on this one (but I still totally see where you're coming from.)Anyway, good luck! I lived with my parents briefly after college and, while everything worked out, I know it can be trying sometimes.
lilkimbo lilkimbo 5 years
I think two of these things are problems that need to be addressed and one is just something you may have to live with. I think the first issue, that they are commenting about your weight is a big deal and would be a big deal whether you lived with them or not. If they are mocking your efforts to get healthy, I think that's a big deal. Honestly, as hard as it may be, I would sit them down and let them know how their comments make you feel. You said your parents are great people who really care about you, so I'm sure if they realize how much these comments are hurting you, they will make an effort to stop. If they don't live a healthy lifestyle, it's not like you are going to change them entirely, but maybe you could also tell them how much you enjoy working out and suggest that your mom attend a class with you, that you go on a walk with your dad, etc. Maybe this will have two benefits and they will stop making fun of you and get healthier themselves. (I know it can be hard to suggest that other people do something like this without being condescending/annoying/making them upset with you, so I guess it's up to you to gauge whether this would work with your parents. I know my mom used to never work out and I took her to a beginning yoga class and she loves it now. She has MS, which makes it difficult for her to do some classes, but she has gone on her own and taken the initiative to find classes for people with rheumatoid arthritis, which are usually also good classes for people with MS.) As far as the third issue, again, I would talk to your parents. Let them know that you will call them back when you get their messages, but that you are 25 now and you feel you are deserving of a certain degree of independence. I also think that if you pay even a little bit of rent to your parents it will really help your case here. Sure, they will still be your parents, but it will help them see you a little more as an adult. If they won't accept rent from you, pay a few of the household bills or do the grocery shopping. I know money is an issue so you obviously won't be able to pay the same that you would for an apartment, but I really think contributing financially, even if it's just a small amount, will help frame the situation differently. As for the food issue, I don't really think there's much you can do about this. Of course, you can try to suggest healthy alternatives and buy some healthy alternatives, but they are going to want to eat what they want to eat. And honestly, I think they are in the right on this one (but I still totally see where you're coming from.) Anyway, good luck! I lived with my parents briefly after college and, while everything worked out, I know it can be trying sometimes.
cassiekenn cassiekenn 5 years
I have had to do that before, and it proved very beneficial. You just basically have to suck it up and deal with it, while thinking of the benefits you are getting from the situation. Your parents aren't your roommates or your friends, they're your parents. If you're unhappy with the living situation, you can always move out and find something more flexible toward your wants and needs.
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