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Moving in With Woman Who Has a Child

Sunday Confessional: Stepbrother Making a Huge Mistake!

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

My stepbrother is 22 years old and still lives at home with me and my parents. He's met a girl (26 years old) who has an 18-month-old baby boy.

We used to be very close because for the past few years neither of us have been involved in relationships, so we used to go out and do things together; his friends are my friends and my friends are his friends etc. We used to spend most of our weekends out visiting friends and having a good time. He's met this girl who really is nice. They've known each other for 3 years and have been dating for only 5 months. The other night he came home and told me that he's moving in with her. Both her parents have passed away, so she's an independent young mother who has settled down and devoted her life to her son.

To find out more, keep reading.

My stepbrother in the meantime has alienated himself from his friends and family who as a result of this are probably developing some sort of a "dislike" to her. I've found myself lost and alone suddenly, but that was my own fault. I allowed myself to get into a "comfort zone" where I was quite happy having him to chat to and go out with and I think he felt the same way. He's totally love struck and when the 2 of them are together, there's nothing and no one else who exists. He's decided to move in with her now and personally I think it's a big mistake. He's throwing away his young life to settle down and step in as a father figure to the little one. As it is, we hardly ever see him as he spends most week nights and all weekends there with her.

Am I being selfish here, or is there reason to worry?

Obviously there's nothing I can say or do to change his mind and make him see what he's really doing. I'm not even going to try and speak to him about it. 
I need to get my life back on track now and find that special lady, but I can't help but worry that this is going to end up a disaster. Any advice on how to deal with all this?

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workerbee1000 workerbee1000 5 years
Thanks for all the comments guys. I look back on this now and think about how stupid I was. There's nothing I can do to change his decision. He's made his bed, so he must sleep in it. I've been getting out and doing things with my own friends again (whom I have neglected somewhat over the past few years) and I've met someone very special. So it really isn't that bad! My brother & I have drifted apart over the past few months, and I'm actually ok with that? It's at a stage now where we hardly speak to each other - and that's fine? There's nothing I can say to discourage the relationship. When he tells me how well things are going and how perfect the relationship is, my response is "that's good". I think he knows that I think he's made a mistake, but he hasn't said anything about it. Lol. He's become quite aggro with me lately when he heard that I've been going out and seeing people and met a special girl - so the roles have definitely reversed. :-) He's definitely going through the honeymoon stage now, and when that wears off, I hope someone's gonna be there for him as a friend. I've sold the townhouse and moved into a smaller place - and quite honestly, I'm happy! I party all weekend and come & go as I please. Things are moving along slowly with *my lady* and that's cool.. I've got the companionship. l hope things don't end badly between the 2 of them though because the poor child is going to have the worst of it. It was an irresponsible move on her part to introduce him to the child so soon - let alone let him move in with them.. But hopefully things work out for the best? Anonymous:- As for your comment about growing up - I'm glad you see this as a mature move on his part.. You clearly have no idea about "life" and you've obviously never had a really strong bond with someone?? I've been in many serious relationships, and yes, some of them have ended badly, but throughout all of them, I have never neglected family or responsibility. I'm sure things will settle down on his side and as jeanine says, once he realises that he misses all of us, he'll put in the extra effort and find the balance in life? Lol. I look back at the 1st post I made on this and laugh at it... It's weird how something so small can leave you in such a flat spin.. Good times, bad times.. it's all part of life. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. :)
workerbee1000 workerbee1000 5 years
Thanks for all the comments guys. I look back on this now and think about how stupid I was. There's nothing I can do to change his decision. He's made his bed, so he must sleep in it. I've been getting out and doing things with my own friends again (whom I have neglected somewhat over the past few years) and I've met someone very special. So it really isn't that bad! My brother & I have drifted apart over the past few months, and I'm actually ok with that? It's at a stage now where we hardly speak to each other - and that's fine?There's nothing I can say to discourage the relationship. When he tells me how well things are going and how perfect the relationship is, my response is "that's good". I think he knows that I think he's made a mistake, but he hasn't said anything about it. Lol. He's become quite aggro with me lately when he heard that I've been going out and seeing people and met a special girl - so the roles have definitely reversed. :-) He's definitely going through the honeymoon stage now, and when that wears off, I hope someone's gonna be there for him as a friend. I've sold the townhouse and moved into a smaller place - and quite honestly, I'm happy! I party all weekend and come & go as I please. Things are moving along slowly with *my lady* and that's cool.. I've got the companionship. l hope things don't end badly between the 2 of them though because the poor child is going to have the worst of it. It was an irresponsible move on her part to introduce him to the child so soon - let alone let him move in with them.. But hopefully things work out for the best? Anonymous:- As for your comment about growing up - I'm glad you see this as a mature move on his part.. You clearly have no idea about "life" and you've obviously never had a really strong bond with someone?? I've been in many serious relationships, and yes, some of them have ended badly, but throughout all of them, I have never neglected family or responsibility. I'm sure things will settle down on his side and as jeanine says, once he realises that he misses all of us, he'll put in the extra effort and find the balance in life? Lol. I look back at the 1st post I made on this and laugh at it... It's weird how something so small can leave you in such a flat spin.. Good times, bad times.. it's all part of life. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. :)
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
Good luck with everything. Will you really sell your townhouse? Why not have a friend rent from you? I think its nice and hopefully you'll understand your step brother is madly in love and he is trying to be a man for his new girlfriend and help her out now. I'm sure that its hard for you but I'm sure everything will work out. Maybe you'll find a special someone as well someday and you'll know the feeling. For now you could just invite them over as much as possible. No reason they can't hang out as a family with you now.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
He's an adult, and he should be able to make his own decision. You may not like his decision and choice, but yah, darlin', if you love him, you support his decision and be there for him during good and bad. Anyway, like everyone is saying, they're still in the honeymoon phase, of course, it's going to be like this, but believe me, they'll be out of it eventually. And hopefully he will make more effort to hang out with you when the time comes. Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
He's an adult, and he should be able to make his own decision. You may not like his decision and choice, but yah, darlin', if you love him, you support his decision and be there for him during good and bad.Anyway, like everyone is saying, they're still in the honeymoon phase, of course, it's going to be like this, but believe me, they'll be out of it eventually. And hopefully he will make more effort to hang out with you when the time comes. Good luck.
Janine22 Janine22 5 years
Even if you feel that he is making a big mistake, all that you can do is support him. It is the choice that he has made for his life and who knows, things might work out well. The bottom line is that you have no control over his decisions, so all you can do is be a good friend and brother to him. You can offer your opinion about it if asked, but remain neutral and be very matter of fact and kind about it. You do come across as very jealous of this woman, you should try to build more relationships in your own life so that you can feel happy for your brother instead of jealous. As someone else said, they are still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship when everything seems perfect. When he realizes that he misses you, then he will make more of an effort to hang out with you. Good luck.
isahrangme isahrangme 5 years
my biggest concern is that child!! "If he steps in as a "step-dad figure", and then the relationship ends, it can be very tough and confusing for the child." i TOTALLY agree juicebox! 5 months dating is pretty short to be stepping in as a father-figure to a young child. i think he should think about whether he's really willing to keep that relationship with the kid, even after a nasty breakup. even if the kid has a relationship with his father, your stepbrother will still be involved in the kid's life... so even if he's not actually taking OVER the father-role, he will still develop a relationship. (i know some people get sensitive about father/stepfather roles)
isahrangme isahrangme 5 years
my biggest concern is that child!!"If he steps in as a "step-dad figure", and then the relationship ends, it can be very tough and confusing for the child."i TOTALLY agree juicebox! 5 months dating is pretty short to be stepping in as a father-figure to a young child. i think he should think about whether he's really willing to keep that relationship with the kid, even after a nasty breakup.even if the kid has a relationship with his father, your stepbrother will still be involved in the kid's life... so even if he's not actually taking OVER the father-role, he will still develop a relationship. (i know some people get sensitive about father/stepfather roles)
Choco-cat Choco-cat 5 years
my hubby and i got married when he was 22 and i was 26 - we've been happily married for 10 years. my parents got married after knowing each other for only 5 months (she already had a child) and have been happily married for 40 years. you never know how things are going to work out. as far as him not having time for everyone else, my guess is that'll probably mellow out over time - people tend to get wrapped up in new romances in the beginning. take this time to expand your friend (and maybe romantic) circle.
Choco-cat Choco-cat 5 years
my hubby and i got married when he was 22 and i was 26 - we've been happily married for 10 years. my parents got married after knowing each other for only 5 months (she already had a child) and have been happily married for 40 years. you never know how things are going to work out. as far as him not having time for everyone else, my guess is that'll probably mellow out over time - people tend to get wrapped up in new romances in the beginning. take this time to expand your friend (and maybe romantic) circle.
Studio16 Studio16 5 years
I think it's a little of both. You need to find your own friends. I love my sister to death, and we're friends - we talk on the phone, see movies together, etc. But in the grand scheme of things...she has her own circle of friends and I have mine. I'm happy to hang out with my little sis, but if she's not available, I have people I can do stuff with. That said, I've seen men in my life date single mothers, and a lot of times, these girls just want the money that comes along with a guy who has a stable job and a good source of income. My dad worked for a pretty big company and so naturally when they gave him an "apprentice", it meant something: This kid was well-educated and came from a typically "good family" - not to mention the paycheck he was getting. He fell in love with a single mom who really just wanted his paycheck and reputation. Same thing happened to my uncle. All his girlfriend wanted was someone who would buy her kid some presents and take her on vacation. One night she left her son at his house and "forgot" to come get him. (That said, she was white trash, it really had nothing to do with her being a single mom.) I'm not saying all single moms are like this - my aunt is a single mother and she's doing a terrific job, as are some of her friends! But honestly, I do wonder about the intentions of some of these girls. I've seen too many guys get hurt to think they're all in it for love.
Studio16 Studio16 5 years
I think it's a little of both. You need to find your own friends. I love my sister to death, and we're friends - we talk on the phone, see movies together, etc. But in the grand scheme of things...she has her own circle of friends and I have mine. I'm happy to hang out with my little sis, but if she's not available, I have people I can do stuff with.That said, I've seen men in my life date single mothers, and a lot of times, these girls just want the money that comes along with a guy who has a stable job and a good source of income. My dad worked for a pretty big company and so naturally when they gave him an "apprentice", it meant something: This kid was well-educated and came from a typically "good family" - not to mention the paycheck he was getting. He fell in love with a single mom who really just wanted his paycheck and reputation. Same thing happened to my uncle. All his girlfriend wanted was someone who would buy her kid some presents and take her on vacation. One night she left her son at his house and "forgot" to come get him. (That said, she was white trash, it really had nothing to do with her being a single mom.) I'm not saying all single moms are like this - my aunt is a single mother and she's doing a terrific job, as are some of her friends! But honestly, I do wonder about the intentions of some of these girls. I've seen too many guys get hurt to think they're all in it for love.
juicebox07 juicebox07 5 years
While I agree with GregS that you are probably jealous that he is spending so much time with her and not you, I think it's understandable. Whenever my dad has a girlfriend, it's like nobody else exists. Even me. He would stop calling to talk, stop going to family gatherings (because he would be with her), and if I went to visit him, he would be on the phone with her most of the time or stuck to her like glue (if she was there). Believe me, I know how annoying it is. As for him moving in with her after 5 months, I think that's a bit soon. Even if they've known each other for 3 years. I guess it's different for everybody, but I couldn't see myself living with someone after 5 months of dating. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and we still don't live together yet. (We like it that way. We want to wait for marriage anyway, due to his religious views about cohabitation. I'm not religious, but I respect his wishes). The fact that there is a young child involved makes things more complicated as well. They should take more time to see if the relationship could really blossom into something major. If he steps in as a "step-dad figure", and then the relationship ends, it can be very tough and confusing for the child.
juicebox07 juicebox07 5 years
While I agree with GregS that you are probably jealous that he is spending so much time with her and not you, I think it's understandable. Whenever my dad has a girlfriend, it's like nobody else exists. Even me. He would stop calling to talk, stop going to family gatherings (because he would be with her), and if I went to visit him, he would be on the phone with her most of the time or stuck to her like glue (if she was there). Believe me, I know how annoying it is. As for him moving in with her after 5 months, I think that's a bit soon. Even if they've known each other for 3 years. I guess it's different for everybody, but I couldn't see myself living with someone after 5 months of dating. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and we still don't live together yet. (We like it that way. We want to wait for marriage anyway, due to his religious views about cohabitation. I'm not religious, but I respect his wishes). The fact that there is a young child involved makes things more complicated as well. They should take more time to see if the relationship could really blossom into something major. If he steps in as a "step-dad figure", and then the relationship ends, it can be very tough and confusing for the child.
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 5 years
lol I couldn't help but laugh a the taurus part, because my husband is a taurus as well. Yup they can be moody but not all the time, and if he found someone who can complete him and maybe help him with his moodiness, it's a good thing. People can accept different things in relationships, it depends on their personalities. And if you could live with him for so long and get so comfortable and happy, it's normal that somebody else can as well, he must not be that bad. It's not like you'll never get to hang out with him again, he'll invite you over and you'll invite him over as well. You just need time to adjust to this big change.
GregS GregS 5 years
It bites, I'm sure. Keep plugging along, but you can't "mother" him. He's a big boy now and needs to make his own discoveries.
workerbee1000 workerbee1000 5 years
Thanks for the feedback Guys. Much appreciated. GregS, looking back at this, I actually think you're right. I guess all I can do is be happy for him. I hope he's not making a mistake by doing this. You see, the 2 of us got a townhouse together 4 years ago and I think I got too used to the idea of him coming home at night after work where we'd have dinner and chat or play computer games or go out and do something. I don't think it's so much the idea if "HIM" not being there anymore. It's more a case of not having anyone anymore. coming home to an empty house at night and just being alone. That's why I went into a flat spin on Monday night when he came home and announced that he was moving in with her. I was left with this feeling of "ok, so what now??". It was my own fault for slipping into this comfort zone of coming home and knowing that someone's there. It's only natural for him to be moving out and carrying on with life. I just didn't expect it to happen so soon. Over 2 of the 3 years we were both in relationships, but there was a balance if you know what I mean? My Girlfriend & I broke up last year and he broke up with his girlfriend a few months later. Even though we both spent time with our girlfriends, we would always come home at night and there was never any idea of staying over or anything like that. I was thinking about it this afternoon and I've decided that the only thing there is for me to do is to deal with the lonliness, and then carry on with my life. I'm planning on selling the townhouse and moving into another one somewhere in the same area. That way The "reminders" aren't there. the bond between us was something unbelievable - even though our relationships with our Exes. I think in a way I probably am jealous that I "don't exist" anymore. I hope the balance comes soon though where he'd want to spend time with friends and family instead of devoting it all to her. Rj's baby girl, he has grown very attached to the little one. I just hope that he can adapt to the idea of having to mature in a way that he can be a stable father figure to the little one. don't you guys think it's a bit soon to be moving in together though? He's a very moody person (Taurus) and I really hope that she can accept his moods. Living together and spending weekends with someone are 2 totally different things. You don't get to know someone simply by spending weekends with them because both people would naturally keep to their "happy faces" while visiting each other, but hopefully he understands that he can't just run away everytime when times get tough. I've told him that this house is always open to him but also made it clear to him that it's not going to be a "halfway house" to spend a night or a week when things get difficult. He either moves in again or he doesn't. Is this an unfair statement to make? I am happy for him in a way, but yes, I am also jealous and worried about him at the same time. The best thing I can do now is wait for him to move out and deal with my own issues. He needs to deal with his himself?
workerbee1000 workerbee1000 5 years
Thanks for the feedback Guys. Much appreciated. GregS, looking back at this, I actually think you're right. I guess all I can do is be happy for him. I hope he's not making a mistake by doing this. You see, the 2 of us got a townhouse together 4 years ago and I think I got too used to the idea of him coming home at night after work where we'd have dinner and chat or play computer games or go out and do something. I don't think it's so much the idea if "HIM" not being there anymore. It's more a case of not having anyone anymore. coming home to an empty house at night and just being alone. That's why I went into a flat spin on Monday night when he came home and announced that he was moving in with her. I was left with this feeling of "ok, so what now??". It was my own fault for slipping into this comfort zone of coming home and knowing that someone's there. It's only natural for him to be moving out and carrying on with life. I just didn't expect it to happen so soon. Over 2 of the 3 years we were both in relationships, but there was a balance if you know what I mean? My Girlfriend & I broke up last year and he broke up with his girlfriend a few months later. Even though we both spent time with our girlfriends, we would always come home at night and there was never any idea of staying over or anything like that. I was thinking about it this afternoon and I've decided that the only thing there is for me to do is to deal with the lonliness, and then carry on with my life. I'm planning on selling the townhouse and moving into another one somewhere in the same area. That way The "reminders" aren't there. the bond between us was something unbelievable - even though our relationships with our Exes. I think in a way I probably am jealous that I "don't exist" anymore. I hope the balance comes soon though where he'd want to spend time with friends and family instead of devoting it all to her. Rj's baby girl, he has grown very attached to the little one. I just hope that he can adapt to the idea of having to mature in a way that he can be a stable father figure to the little one. don't you guys think it's a bit soon to be moving in together though? He's a very moody person (Taurus) and I really hope that she can accept his moods. Living together and spending weekends with someone are 2 totally different things. You don't get to know someone simply by spending weekends with them because both people would naturally keep to their "happy faces" while visiting each other, but hopefully he understands that he can't just run away everytime when times get tough. I've told him that this house is always open to him but also made it clear to him that it's not going to be a "halfway house" to spend a night or a week when things get difficult. He either moves in again or he doesn't. Is this an unfair statement to make? I am happy for him in a way, but yes, I am also jealous and worried about him at the same time. The best thing I can do now is wait for him to move out and deal with my own issues. He needs to deal with his himself?
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 5 years
I agree with GregS. When someone falls in love it is completely normal they want to spend all their free time with that person, it is called the honeymoon phase. Then after a while when the relationship is stable he'll start seeing his friends again because he will miss them. I think it's a good thing that he wants to be a stable "father" figure in the toddler's life, he is just being responsible because he knows that his gf has big responsabilities and he wants to share with her because he loves her. I do think you are being selfish and you should be happy for him.
GregS GregS 5 years
It doesn't sound like he has a problem. It sounds like you do. You come across as the jilted lover in this, and you want him back so you can have him all to yourself.
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