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My BF Told His Ex He Doesn't Want to Marry Me

Group Therapy: My BF Told His Ex He Doesn't Want to Marry Me

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I live together and have been dating for over three years. Last night, he was out and I had to use our computer. He left his e-mail open and I saw a chat message with his ex from about a month ago. I try not to be nosy or snoop around, but it was right there already and I couldn't help myself. In the message, he was telling her how he does not want to get married to me because he can't imagine being with one person for the rest of his life. Well, this is news to me since he tells me of course we will be together for the rest of our lives and has hinted about wanting to marry and even very recently went so far as saying he wants kids with me.

When we first starting getting serious, I made it clear I wanted to get married one day and that I need stability because I have a young daughter (whom he loves very much). I was honest and upfront about what I wanted and he was on board. He also told her I got him nothing for his birthday, even though I got him a gift worth over $100 that I knew he wanted and made a specialized custom cake and to make it even worse, he said he definitely does not want kids and just because he's with me and plans to be for a while, doesn't mean he isn't "looking."

I'm shocked. I was actually expecting a proposal this Christmas. I couldn't confront him last night because I knew I shouldn't have looked to begin with, but I know I have to tell him. All I did last night was ask him the last time he spoke to her and he said "in like forever," which I assume is way longer than only a month ago when the conversation was dated. Do I call him on it? Do I just tell him I know we're not on the same page and break up? I'm mad about the lies, I'm mad he's told her these things and I'm so sad this is how he really feels. I thought I had found the One. HELP!

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Skitterpuppy Skitterpuppy 5 years
What I don't understand is why should I feel bad if I snoop if I find something? I obviously had a reason to. Guys are gonna keep lying untill they get caught. Don't be a douche or sneaky and we won't snoop. Simple. If I were to snoop and not find anything, yea shame on me, I wouldnt do it again. But if I find what I thought I'd find? I don't give a hoot how I found it and NO guy should get away with the trust issue. Did I not JUST find a reason NOT to trust you?!
katialoves katialoves 5 years
lucky you found the messages sad that you have a kid (i know its not his) making the breakup more complicated. write down some goals/dreams for the future. is this the kind of person you'd like as part of your family?
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
Anon #31, maybe the people who are anti-snooping are in contented relationships BECAUSE they trust each other to begin with. Food for thought.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
When you take the step to violate your partner's privacy, something really bad is going on. It's a sign that something is seriously wrong. You don't have a right to go through his stuff any more than he has the right to go through your purse. If he went to that extreme, it would mean he really didn't trust you and thought you were up to no good. It isn't a hanging offense, but it is extreme. What you do now with the information is what is important. Either use your new knowledge to fix the cracks that are forming in your relationship (without bringing up the actual emails)...or use it as a reason to give up on the relationship. Waving what he said in his face angrily will only lead to an argument that won't solve anything.
mondaymoos mondaymoos 5 years
I agree -ignore the anti-snoops. My husband pulled that "Well, why are you looking in my phone anyway?" shit with me. It's hard to explain that I would go months without even a small desire to go through his phone. Then he would start acting strangely (taking the phone in the bathroom with you while you're in the shower? Really?) and I would get the urge to pick it up. Sure as shit, every time I picked it up there was something up with him and his ex. Boggles the mind that we kept getting back together after this happened again and again and again. Break it off. If he hasn't started seeing her again yet, it's likely he will after sending an email like that. Think of this as luck: I only found crap like this AFTER we were married.
imLissy imLissy 5 years
please, if you were on ur bf's computer and you saw an email from his ex, you wouldn't open it? What sucks is that he will be angry if you bring it up. So, do you bring it up hoping he has an explanation, after which, you'll look really bad, or do you assume he's an ass and dump him. I can't think of a way he could possibly explain that email. You have a child and he knows you want to get married. If he doesn't want to marry you, he should end it. I'd just flat out ask him if he wants to marry you.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
If I were you, I'd begin preparing to end the relationship. The stuff he's talked to his ex about is pretty reprehensible. There's a slim chance that there may be a forgivable reason behind what he said to her, but I doubt it. I completely agree with sarah_bellum; do you notice any things looking back that you will be able to avoid in future relationships? Snooping isn't exactly a good thing, but in this case, you found out his true character and it would be worse to stay in a relationship with a guy like this. But it would be nice to be able to avoid snooping in the future by being able to see untrustworthy behaviors ahead of time. I'm really sorry you had to find out this information, but for your daughter's sake, I wouldn't stay with a lying toolbag like this guy.
vanilla-and-pink vanilla-and-pink 5 years
Wow, this sucks! I will say this about the snooping part though. I was in a similar situation with a ex a while back. I had a really bad feeling something was up and I read though the headlines of the emails that were wide open on his gmail account. Turns out he'd been talking via emails with all of his buddies about our relationship problems and not to me. I was running on intuition that something was wrong and I was desperate. I wonder if you were having similar feelings. Its one thing to turn to your friends for support during difficult times, but its my belief that if you're in a healthy relationship, the first person you turn to to work out problems is your partner. I think its a huge issue that he hasn't taken initiative to talk to you about why he's unhappy. Maybe he doesn't have the skills necessary to make a relationship work or maybe he's just not that committed. This will be a tough one to sort out, and I suspect there are deeper problems here then his desire not to get married to you.
medenginer medenginer 5 years
I would be more furious he lied to my child more than anything and for me that would be a deal breaker. Both of you use a shared computer and his email was already pulled up so I can see why you would look. Explain that the email was logged in to a shared computer that you read the email then wait for an explanation.
genesisrocks genesisrocks 5 years
Leave him. Seriously. He might get mad about the snooping but it's not like he made an effort to hide it.
hiptobesquare hiptobesquare 5 years
First, take a deep breath. This sucks hardcore. Secondly, talk to him. There could be a logical explanation (unlikely, sorry), but at least you'll hear from him what he's feeling. Don't do anything rash, but defiantly start a plan for doing what you feel is right, what will bring you closer to your personal goals, etc. I'm pulling for you, and sorry this had to happen.
Rory1225 Rory1225 5 years
I agree that snooping is wrong, although I will say I did go looking to see if I could find what my bf got me for my b-day :) But in this case I don't know that it can be called snooping because he left it open on their home computer. Even if she wasn't looking to snoop she would have seen it if she got on the computer to do something. I think this is a huge red flag, whether he means it or he is just saying that to his ex to try to make her think he is available or will be in the future. Either way it is wrong.
stephley stephley 5 years
He left the email open on a shared computer, she didn't go looking. Dump him. Let him sort out whatever's going on in his pea brain away from you and your daughter.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 5 years
Shady douches like these deserve to be snooped out so don't feel bad for snooping OP. After all it is also YOUR computer (you said "our computer" so I'm assuming you guys share). I would be suspicious as to why he's even having these kinds of conversations with his ex. He's definitely up to something. If you think he has been lying to you this whole time, he's probably been lying to you this whole time - your gut is picking up on the truth. Get out of there with your kid. And also, if you have a kid, wait until marriage to move in with someone - because now your daughter has to change school districts (unless you move close by) and has to give up someone she saw as a father figure
Silly-Btch-Therapy Silly-Btch-Therapy 5 years
I dot, I was just thinking the same thing. It's so frustrating that everyone is so anti-snooping! How else would half of you have sound out about a cheating ex or a lying husband or an ignorant child? We have all snooped, we have all found something and we have all been made better for it. OP, bring it up to your boyfriend. You've been together for three years... if he trys to give you sh!t for snooping you give him sh!t for being a lying bastard. Snooping is soooo tiny compared to him telling that kind of crap to his exgf. Be proud of your snoop. If you didn't snoop you wouldnt have caught him in such an ugly place. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Check out my new site at www.sillybitchtherapy.com for more advice and information about sex, love and everything in between.
l-dot l-dot 5 years
Ugh, I get so frustrated when I read comments on this site about how snooping "violates" the other person's trust. Has this guy not violated her trust by lying to her to her face about talking to his ex and lying to her about wanting to get married? Is that not the violation of trust that's more important? Yes, I don't think you should go out of your way to snoop, but you also shouldn't have to find anything like this if you do. I say confront him or break it off. If he owns up to it and admits he was wrong, you can decide if you want to give him a second chance. Otherwise you're going to spend the next several months/years wondering.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 5 years
Well at least now you know the caliber of man you've spent the last 3 years with. I hope/pray that in hindsight you're looking back and seeing other signs of this duplicitous self-serving nature of his, otherwise you won't be able to learn from this experience and do better next time. Whether or not he has any intention of ever trying to get back with his ex, or if he was looking for sympathy or whatever, disrespecting you and the relationship you have together behind your back is so frigging shady. That should be a dealbreaker for you. What would you have your daughter do if she were in this situation one day? Because that's what needs to happen here. And btw, reading an e-mail he left up on your SHARED computer pales in comparison to the betrayal of the conversation he had with his ex. It's a good thing you found out before he could dupe you any further.
danakscully64 danakscully64 5 years
Sit down and talk to him. I did want to give you a big hug: ((((hug))))
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