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My Boyfriend Called Me Fat

"My Boyfriend Called Me Huge"

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

I recently got a new boyfriend, pretty much my first serious one ever, and things are going well enough. He showers me with compliments and makes me laugh. He's a great guy, but he has a problem with not knowing the right way to say things. That being said, I feel really comfortable with him.

His parents have recently been pushing him to lose weight and eat healthy, something he doesn't do all the time. Since then, he's been on a health kick and has started suggesting dates where we can be active together, especially after I mentioned that I am a little self conscious about my weight and looks too (I am overweight).

The problem happened last night when we went somewhere private to talk. We talked about what our long term goals were and where we saw ourselves in five years, school and career wise. Out of the blue he starts asking if he can mention something that might be an offensive topic for me. When he continued he started to say that while he has never gone for stick thin girls he has never been with someone my size either. He called me "huge." He then quickly said that it didn't come out right, but that his parents don't want to see him with someone my size even though they have never met me.

I cannot stop thinking about what he said and why it came at such a random time. I asked him if someone said something to him (we had recently hung out with some of his friends that he has known for a while), he said that everything he said came from him and apologized for not saying it in the right way. It is really bothering me and I am not sure how to get past his comments. Any advice?

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Alex3060988 Alex3060988 4 years
Tell him that what he said crossed the line.  I agree with other posters that he probably had the right intentions, but that doesn't mean he should be completely given a free pass.  Let him know that that what he said hurt you and if he is a good guy he will feel awful about it and be more careful about it in the future.  
diesdre diesdre 4 years
What's bothering me here is the picture chosen to illustrate this post. Are we supposed to think the model is "huge"? Because I find her very beautiful. Obviously not stick thin, but really pretty.
Frenched Frenched 4 years
Oh girl, I feel for you. When one is overweight, we seldom need somebody to spell it out to us. We are usually more than aware that we need to drop a few so, to be as blunt about it as your boyfriend was, well, simply put: it HURTS. Sometimes it hurts more coming from somebody that you really care about.  Most of the time, it's not WHAT people say but HOW people say things. It seems like your boyfriend meant well but he just didn't think about what he was saying. You can get your point across using kind words just as equally as using harsh words. Give him a pass this time around. It will probably sting for a while but, everybody runs their mouth sometime. We've all said something that we've really, really regretted. He was really obtuse in the way he chose to express his concern but, ultimately, he meant no harm.
Silje Silje 4 years
My boyfriend does this too, he just doesn't think about what comes out of his mouth at times and it can be very hurtful, even though it's not what he meant to say. I agree with the other girls here, this is not a dealbreaker, but at the same time you need to let him know that the things he says can hurt you, hopefully he (and my boyfriend, too) will learn over time how to put things more delicately. I wish you the best of luck together :) 
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
It sounds like he was trying to get out the right idea but didn't choose the right words.  He seems to want to change his life and wants to make sure you want to do the same.  It's very hard in a relationship if you don't have similar lifestyles.  One person can't be sitting on the couch eating chips while the other runs marathons(an exaggeration, I know).  It sounds like he wants you guys to get healthy together so that you can be together for a long time.  It's great to have someone to do this with, you guys can encourage each other and celebrate together when you reach goals.  Look at this as an opportunity to really make a change in something you're not happy with and gain the self confidence you want.  
OhMyKatniss OhMyKatniss 4 years
He never told you to be a stick, if he's making an effort to lose weight and become healthy and attractive, then he obviously wants the same for his girlfriend because he cares about you. he did the right thing by telling you now so that it doesn't become an issue in the future if you two should get more serious. being overweight isn't good for your health anyways, it could lead to complications later in your life and cause you a lot of problems emotionally, physically and financially. so i don't think you should be taking this personally. instead, i suggest you start taking up good eating and exercise habits. make an effort and see where it gets you. hope i helped.  God Bless!
50shadesofgreyaddict 50shadesofgreyaddict 4 years
hey. i read your confesion and i perfectly understand your predicament. it seems that your boyfriend's parents have some issues with people not being twiggy or just slimmer. you said you're having  a great time with your boyfriend- so don't think f breaking up with him, all you need to do, is think carefully about yourself and then try to build up your self confidence. the fact that he called you ''huge'' is sort of an inappropriate comment, so you just need to prove him that you're a strong and independent woman, and that no matter how much you love him, if you are to change you will, not for him, not for his parents, but because it's in your best interests! hope i was helpful.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 4 years
Why should you settle for 'well enough'? If what he said came from his heart, then he's a jerk. He's not concerned for your well-being or happiness- he only cares about appearances. If what he said came on behalf of his friends, then he's still a jerk. Dump him and move on. You can do better. Besides, if you stay, this issue will always be in the back of your mind.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Your large boyfriend has a fat prejudice. He has hatred for his own size and for any person of size, probably doesn't realize it. Prejudice is a taught thing, and fat prejudice is still considered to be ok, because overweight obviously means the person is not healthy and so it's obviously ok to not be ok with fat people. I've been a large woman all of my life, and come from a family where weight is a big issue (pardon the pun) :) The thing with prejudice is, people who are the victim of prejudice don't believe they can be prejudiced, but of course they can. Your boyfriend has grown up with parents who are prejudiced against fat, and he's learned it from them. I'd suspect that he's on a health kick more to please his parents than to get healthy. I hope his new behaviors will continue, because even if they come from the wrong source, they can have a great effect. However, unless you , he, or any of us are actually working a great program, and working to change behaviors and lifestyles, then these health kicks don't work, because the motivation and dedication isn't really there. I would suggest some research into prejudice, self awareness, self confidence and self value.....being large definately doesn't prevent prejudice against other's with the same issue, just as there are plenty of folks of color who grow up with color prejudice (ever see Spike Lee's School days?) or ethnic folks who grow up with anti.....whoever feelings. It's all learned behavior....which means it can be unlearned....but that takes self awareness, the desire to look at yourself and evaluate your own prejudices and the willingness and desire to change. Learning the difference between disliking certain behaviors and disliking people who look a certain way is a process, a learning curve. Learning empathy and sympathy and compassion, acceptance is a process and a learning curve. Having a conversation with your boyfriend about his prejudice, and how his words affect your feelings....is important. This isn't about how he said what he said, it's about what he said. He basically told you you're too fat and it's not ok and he's ashamed or afraid to take you home to his parents. It's not ok to say those things, because it's not ok to feel those things....however, it's better to know a prejudice exists than to not know. The process is now about education about what fat prejudice is and why it's not ok, and then working to change it. And the first step is pointing out that this is a prejudice, and each of you looking at yourselves, how you feel about this, how you react to this, and to understand that not accepting prejudice is the only way to end prejudice. You're in a very tough position. This is your first serious boyfriend. It sounds to me as though you have found someone who is very similar to yourself, as most of do. You are together because you recognize things in each other and are attracted to and feel comfortable with each other. But, darlin', if your boyfriend is trying to tell you that the only way he can be with you is for you to change, to lose weight or change anything about yourself physicaly, then you need to end this relationship. And it's because he's not say these things to you because he cares about you and your health but because he's afraid of the reaction he'll get being seen with you, or taking you home to mom and dad. In that care, it's about his own insecurity which generaly leads to controling behavior, and about his playing on your vulnerability and desire to keep this first, important serious emotional conection. So if he's not prepared to look at his own behavior, at the fact that what he said to you has negative consequences and in order to avoid those consequences he needs to change his behavior. And in order to change his behavior, he's going to have to change his point of view, his understanding of what he's said and what he's been taught. It's a lot to deal with. It's important to deal with it.....for him. Because if he doesn't he's going to hamstring himself, restrict himself in his life. All people with this kind of prejudice have a serious hanidcap and miss a lot of possibilities in life by letting their prejudice prevent them from taking advantage of friendships, work relationships, and love relationships. So, I had a lot to say, a lot for you to digest. I hope it's not too much. You can take a shot at making this work with a serious discussion with your guy, but don't hang all of your life's happiness on his ability to accept that he has a prejudice and the willingness to work to change it, to accept you as is. On a health note, I would recommend that the two of you, together, join weight watchers, for a great program of health based life decisions around food and activity. Best of luck, in love and life
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