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Is My Boyfriend A Cheater?

Dear Sugar
I have been with my boyfriend for four years and our relationship has always been somewhat of a roller coaster from the start. Tying him down was no small task because he's very flirtatious and he works as a bartender - which doesn’t help matters.

This summer I found that he has been secretly text messaging with a woman whom he had once worked with. They went on a date, he lied to me about it, and then he even went as far as spinning the story to try and make me feel guilty for not letting him have “guy time.” Long story short, I ended up speaking to this woman and as I predicted, she never even knew that he was in a serious relationship.

We have since worked everything out and we are happy again. However, a few days ago, I found an e-mail that he had just recently sent to yet another woman. I e-mailed her and told her that I was his girlfriend, and again, she had no idea about me.

When I confronted my boyfriend about this, he felt he had done nothing wrong and accused me of not trusting him. Who do I trust here? Should I believe these women or believe my boyfriend when he says nothing has happened? Disconcerted Deirdre

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Disconcerted Deirdre
If your instincts are telling you not to trust him, then you should probably consider separating yourself from your boyfriend. Do you believe in your heart of hearts that you'll ever be able to be in a happy place again with him? Do you honestly think that you could feel assured and secure enough to resist the urge to snoop in his e-mails or text messages?

One of the most important elements in a relationship is trust. If you don't have it, you don't have much. It sounds like your boyfriend wants to have his cake and eat it too. The fact that these woman have no idea that he is in a relationship is very disheartening and should be a huge red flag to you.

As much as you want to make your relationship work, you might be better off in the long run if you let your boyfriend go. It sounds as though he is simply not ready to give up his single life. Hard decisions aren't always easy, but if you trust yourself, you'll never go wrong. Good luck.

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Join The Conversation
herbiefrog herbiefrog 9 years
woah... he cant have friends ? [DOESNT COMPUTE] lol b**** : )
ishtar ishtar 9 years
he is definitely cheating on you. just think of the ones that have probably gotten by without you finding emails or texts. i say you need to get out, there are people that you can have a steady non up and down relationship with that won't lie to you. these women have no reason to lie to you- i would believe them. plus the mark of a liar is to divert the attention from his lies to your being 'controlling' by blaming you for not giving him 'guy time'.
getstinko getstinko 9 years
Move on, he's trash and he is most likely cheating on you. Does he get home some nights a lot later than the bar closes? Is he home all day when you are at work? Women take control of your lives - you have so many options. Don't waste your time with relationships where there is doubt
cravinsugar cravinsugar 9 years
I say don't invest your feelings in this relationship anymore. You will never be happy with him now that you knwo you can't trust him...and that is just from him lying about stuff. Why would he lie if it is just innocent "boy time"? Oh and by the way, last time I heard, guy time meant, hanging with the boys... I'm all in.
ethiopian_princess ethiopian_princess 9 years
yes, boo, he's cheating
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
wow, he must be some kind of wonderful to get this far. but i say enough is enough. hand him his papers, or not, and just move on. btw, do you know the issues that most bar tenders have? something like 67% are alcoholics. NEXT!
tinyspark tinyspark 9 years
There are guys that don't act like this. Go find yourself one.
lizzielou742 lizzielou742 9 years
DUMP. HIM. Who knows who he's sleeping with - he could be putting your health in danger. Plus, he's a liar. Any woman would deserve better than that.
Imabeliever Imabeliever 9 years
a flirt, who is a bartender and isn't being honest with you or the women he is text messaging.. I think you may have answered your own question. I worked in the restaurant industry for about 5 years and I think only 1 of the 30+ bartenders I worked with was NOT a player..constantly cheating and picking up women that bellied up to the bar. Take a stand and ask for a real commitment from him or move on and find yourself a real man who wants to be with you and will be honest and open will all areas of his life. Good luck
bpjedi bpjedi 9 years
Even if he isn't cheating, it doesn't sound so good. I think it is natural to talk about your significant other with your friends, and vice-versa. The fact that these women had no idea that you exist, and your boyfriend has mentioned them as his friends just doesn't bode well.
t0xxic t0xxic 9 years
In my opinion he is cheating. But my opinion aside hes lieing. He isnt being 100 % honest with you. Hes obviously knows hes doing something wrong or hed be open with u. Been here done it move on. It wont stop. GL -------------------- -------------------- Watch us play secret santa, and every tuesday fab find for our wishlist!
Twinkle1 Twinkle1 9 years
Don't waste anymore time on this guy.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
yes he is a cheating on you and if it was me and since I know I don't like to share I would end it.
karmasabitch karmasabitch 9 years
I say leave the cheater immediately.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 9 years
it's totally fine to have single friends of the opposite gender but it's odd that he hasn't mentioned that he's in a relationship with you and that's he's being secretive/defensive of these 'friends'. follow your gut, he sounds like bad news.
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