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Is My Boyfriend A Cheater?

Dear Sugar
I have been with my boyfriend for four years and our relationship has always been somewhat of a roller coaster from the start. Tying him down was no small task because he's very flirtatious and he works as a bartender - which doesn’t help matters.

This summer I found that he has been secretly text messaging with a woman whom he had once worked with. They went on a date, he lied to me about it, and then he even went as far as spinning the story to try and make me feel guilty for not letting him have “guy time.” Long story short, I ended up speaking to this woman and as I predicted, she never even knew that he was in a serious relationship.

We have since worked everything out and we are happy again. However, a few days ago, I found an e-mail that he had just recently sent to yet another woman. I e-mailed her and told her that I was his girlfriend, and again, she had no idea about me.

When I confronted my boyfriend about this, he felt he had done nothing wrong and accused me of not trusting him. Who do I trust here? Should I believe these women or believe my boyfriend when he says nothing has happened? Disconcerted Deirdre

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Disconcerted Deirdre
If your instincts are telling you not to trust him, then you should probably consider separating yourself from your boyfriend. Do you believe in your heart of hearts that you'll ever be able to be in a happy place again with him? Do you honestly think that you could feel assured and secure enough to resist the urge to snoop in his e-mails or text messages?

One of the most important elements in a relationship is trust. If you don't have it, you don't have much. It sounds like your boyfriend wants to have his cake and eat it too. The fact that these woman have no idea that he is in a relationship is very disheartening and should be a huge red flag to you.

As much as you want to make your relationship work, you might be better off in the long run if you let your boyfriend go. It sounds as though he is simply not ready to give up his single life. Hard decisions aren't always easy, but if you trust yourself, you'll never go wrong. Good luck.

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