I feel like I am thinking about a lot of different things right now that I am unhappy with, or at least not totally content. One of the major things is concerning my relationship with my boyfriend. I have been dating him for about a year and a half, and I am completely in love with him, but for some reason lately I feel like things are undefining themselves in the sense that I feel lost and in the middle of nowhere concerning it. Sometimes I feel like our relationship is so happy and perfect and we are having such a great time together and we are so perfect for each other, and it feels very natural. I find myself hoping that it just stays that way, especially because I know that it comes from the heart and the way things are playing out so well is a reflection of how we really feel inside.
But then at times, things just cause us not to be that way, whether it's school or anything else in our lives, and I hate how I can never tell how things are going to be between us the next time we see each other. I know that whenever things aren't so great and happy, it isn't because of how we feel about each other, but rather due to distractions or obligations. I just wish it were more constant. You know?
I am starting to feel like he doesn't really appreciate me as much as he used to, or isn't as attracted to me, or the passion isn't there (you know when you get all excited about each other), but then other times it is.
Whenever I try and talk to him about these things, he always ends up making me feel like the one in the wrong, especially because he is better at articulating himself and debating. So even if I have a point and I am right, HE ends up looking right, and I can't say anything, and I feel so trapped and defeated, and it's building up inside. AHH, I wish I had a friend to talk to.
— He-Doesn't-Appreciate-Me Anna
Dear He-Doesn't-Appreciate-Me Anna
Just getting your feelings out of your head is a great way to sort through them, so I'm really glad you wrote to me. It sounds like what you are feeling about your relationship is something a lot of women feel - unappreciated and undesired. Women LOVE to be told how much they are loved, wanted, needed, and adored. Guys aren't so good at telling us what we want to hear. They think if they say it once, then that's enough, and you'll remember. Women could be told "I love you," "You're the most amazing person I've ever met," and "You are so smart and beautiful," every single day and we'd never get tired of hearing it!
Since you have been together for so long, and you know in your heart that he loves you deeply, look for little ways that he shows it. Maybe he's not "saying" I appreciate you, but he's doing things to "show" you he appreciates you, like the way he looks at you, touches you, or when he fixes or helps you with something. That's HUGE in guy language.
Talking to your boyfriend is a great idea, and since you have a hard time getting your thoughts out the way you want to, I suggest writing them down first. You can write him a letter and read it to him, or just write down all the key points you want to communicate, so when you do talk to him, your emotions won't get in the way.
Space from your boyfriend is not a bad idea either. If you're used to seeing each other every day, maybe cut down to five days a week instead. Make other plans with your girlfriends, go to the gym, read a good book, or do something else you love. Distance definitely makes the heart grow fonder. Good luck, Anna!
— Additional reporting by Alexis Nordby