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My Boyfriend Doesn't Appreciate Me!

My Boyfriend Doesn't Appreciate Me!


I feel like I am thinking about a lot of different things right now that I am unhappy with, or at least not totally content. One of the major things is concerning my relationship with my boyfriend. I have been dating him for about a year and a half, and I am completely in love with him, but for some reason lately I feel like things are undefining themselves in the sense that I feel lost and in the middle of nowhere concerning it. Sometimes I feel like our relationship is so happy and perfect and we are having such a great time together and we are so perfect for each other, and it feels very natural. I find myself hoping that it just stays that way, especially because I know that it comes from the heart and the way things are playing out so well is a reflection of how we really feel inside.

But then at times, things just cause us not to be that way, whether it's school or anything else in our lives, and I hate how I can never tell how things are going to be between us the next time we see each other. I know that whenever things aren't so great and happy, it isn't because of how we feel about each other, but rather due to distractions or obligations. I just wish it were more constant. You know?

I am starting to feel like he doesn't really appreciate me as much as he used to, or isn't as attracted to me, or the passion isn't there (you know when you get all excited about each other), but then other times it is.

Whenever I try and talk to him about these things, he always ends up making me feel like the one in the wrong, especially because he is better at articulating himself and debating. So even if I have a point and I am right, HE ends up looking right, and I can't say anything, and I feel so trapped and defeated, and it's building up inside. AHH, I wish I had a friend to talk to.

— He-Doesn't-Appreciate-Me Anna

Dear He-Doesn't-Appreciate-Me Anna

Just getting your feelings out of your head is a great way to sort through them, so I'm really glad you wrote to me. It sounds like what you are feeling about your relationship is something a lot of women feel - unappreciated and undesired. Women LOVE to be told how much they are loved, wanted, needed, and adored. Guys aren't so good at telling us what we want to hear. They think if they say it once, then that's enough, and you'll remember. Women could be told "I love you," "You're the most amazing person I've ever met," and "You are so smart and beautiful," every single day and we'd never get tired of hearing it!

Since you have been together for so long, and you know in your heart that he loves you deeply, look for little ways that he shows it. Maybe he's not "saying" I appreciate you, but he's doing things to "show" you he appreciates you, like the way he looks at you, touches you, or when he fixes or helps you with something. That's HUGE in guy language.

Talking to your boyfriend is a great idea, and since you have a hard time getting your thoughts out the way you want to, I suggest writing them down first. You can write him a letter and read it to him, or just write down all the key points you want to communicate, so when you do talk to him, your emotions won't get in the way.

Space from your boyfriend is not a bad idea either. If you're used to seeing each other every day, maybe cut down to five days a week instead. Make other plans with your girlfriends, go to the gym, read a good book, or do something else you love. Distance definitely makes the heart grow fonder. Good luck, Anna!

— Additional reporting by Alexis Nordby

Image Source: Shutterstock
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carorami3160 carorami3160 6 years
Hi, i understand your situation, really i do? i been with my boyfriend for 2yrs and 9 months.. and i feel the same way as you. I feel that he dosent appreaciate me like he use to. He does say sweet things but the same things such as " I love you" or " i miss you" and thats it. i mean at first it was cute and everything but soon i got bored of it and expected more. He dosent even do things for me like if i ask him for a favor he dosent want to or he cant. I have tried to tell him the way i felt, it seems that he hears me but dosent listen to me. Agh! and now i had enough of it. He is in his own world and when he does remember i exist he expects me with open arms. And truly after advice and more advice. i decided to give him a taste of his own medicine. i dont answer his phone calls or txt messages. Its only been a day and a half. Until this point he seems desperate. Men dont like to be ignored. So my advice to you if they dont listen theb you gotta show them the hard way. And if he cant take it then he is not for you. All women should be appreciated for who they are. I hope i helped you.
Vyresse Vyresse 6 years
WOW. Everything in this letter relates to me! We've been together for about a year and a half, and most of the time I feel extremely unappreciated. Sometimes there's the passion and everything's perfect, but I know that the next time we see each other it isn't going to be like that again.... I'm so amazed. This letter is my exact situation.
i was kindda facing the same thing as you. gee, really. sometimes i wonder he takes me fer granted.
msohlen msohlen 8 years
we (women) are really hard people to understand. most of us are very insecure, thats why we like to be comlimented a lot etc. but guys dont always do that, thats why we like to manipualte them. talk to him, ask him why he doesnt appreciate or treat you like he did in the beginning. good luck!
Marci Marci 9 years
I always feel like the cynic in this discussions - but I can't help but wonder why Anna used the word 'debate' referring to when they discuss this subject. Guys aren't always great at expressing their feelings verbally, something we girls like and want. But if, when you try to talk about this with him, it becomes more of a debate situation with him making you feel bad about even raising the issue, then I have to question how in he is in the relationship. He may not want to tell you all the time how he feels, but it seems to me that if you *ask* or raise concerns, he should be sensitive to that if he really cares about you.
tamberly tamberly 9 years
I am having almost the same exact problem/situation as you. I know exactly how you feel, i just dont know to get my point across when i talk to my bf. I just want him to tell me how he feels without me feeling like i have to drag it out of him..etc. Anyways- I know how you feel. This advice helps me too. Thanks dearsugar.
Aly-Mo Aly-Mo 9 years
When we are in-love with someone it is so easy to want to exist in that "bliss" phase with that guy...for however long we can make it happen! But, unfortunately, reality does kick in at some point and the two people both have to deal with responsibilities and life stuff outside of the relationship. Two people always deal with that transition differently. And, I hate to say it, but it's usually easier for guys to get back on track and do their thing... and then, ultimately, take the relationship they have for granted...and then the girl is left feeling unappreciated and unadored. But, don't worry about him! Or the relationship! Try, as hard as you can, to refocus and think of all the good things about yourself and all the great things you have going on in your life (apart from him...your friends, your family, school, job, things you love to do, pets., etc... WHATEVER it is that you love doing and other people or things you love being around) and focus on that! Allow yourself to revel in your own life apart from him. And don't focus on him. Keep things at a comfortable minimum where you and he are still communicating but where he doesn't think you need him too much and you are doing enough of your own thing where You don't need him so will eventually work itself out. Space and time is always a good thing... and if, or when it's meant to be... the two of you will find each other again and grow in the relatiohship and enjoy each other again. Don't sweat it, baby. Truly! Embrace yourself and all the goodness that he can't quite see or appreciate at this point. You're super! And you know it! ;-)
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 9 years
I agree. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Call up your girlfriends and plan a 4 or 5 day trip or weekend away from him. Tell him that you might not be able to contact him until you get back. I am sure you will see he really loves and cares about you when you get back.
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