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My Boyfriend's Ex Ruined Our Relationship

"His Ex Ruined Our Relationship"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My BF of two years has always treated me with love and respect. He is so gentle, romantic and loving. He cares about me so much. Before we dated he was with a girl who is extremely rude and annoying. They broke up because she was ruining his life. When we started dating, this girl called me and asked me rudely to back off and leave "her man" alone. I was insulted and angry and asked my BF to break all contacts with this woman. I asked him not only because I didn't like her, but also because he kept telling me how he hated her for ruining everything in his life.

Four months later I found out my BF has been exchanging texts with her. I asked him why and he said she was looking for a cellphone voucher and it was in his position so he answered her. I asked him if he could please stop giving in to her manipulative schemes and he accepted.

Again, two months after that, my phone battery died and I used his phone for calling my dad and the last dialed number was HER number. I flipped out and we had an argument after three days we made up and he said he would NEVER answer her or call her again. He even sent her a text saying "Let's not be in touch anymore." The girl replied with a laughing picture, which was obviously insulting.

Everything since then was good. We were planning to get engaged in a few months. We have planned for so many things, a great future, and I honestly could see him as my mate for the rest of my life. He is so sweet and caring. Until four days ago, when a friend told me she saw my BF and the rude girl together at a cafe!

I asked him, at first he denied it, then he got angry, then he came clear telling me they have been chatting online for a month because she has told him she has cancer. They went out that night to get over all the hatred and dark feelings and let go of the past, so she could go through being sick peacefully! Then the day after they met at that cafe, she came up with her cancer test results, which were, thankfully, negative. After she got her result she called him and asked him to go for a walk, and he accepted!

Keep reading for the rest of the dilemma.

This, their one month connection, their going for a walk, her texting him "where are you" without fearing I'd be around, this is killing me. And he couldn't keep his promise? 

We have been fighting since that night. He cried, told me it didn't mean anything to him, he just felt pity for her, he couldn't even imagine how he dated her before, blah blah blah. I asked him why he didn't tell me. He said because you wouldn't have understood, you would have thought something romantic was involved and I didn't want you to make a fuss about nothing, I didn't want you to worry. Well, I sure don't feel good NOW. He is literally begging me to forgive him, buying flowers, sending emails, calling, crying, telling me he would do whatever it takes to fix this. He tells me he is well aware that he has made a huge mistake and he knows I might not treat him like before ever again but he is willing to endure all the crap and do whatever is necessary to bring me back, he just can't imagine his life without me. And I should add that he has this cocky and arrogant character and his begging is A HUGE deal.

I want you to know that the fact that he was meeting his "supposedly sick friend" does not sadden me. What truly saddens me is that he lied to me. Multiple times. He told me he was going to meet his friends at a gentleman's club — where they usually meet — he knew I would not call him because I rarely call when he goes there. But that night, and the night after that when they went for a walk and he told me he is going to gym, I did call, I actually called three times each night, but HE DID NOT ANSWER. 

What bothers me is his lying, and breaking his promise. I have put only ONE boundary for him: do not contact this girl. And he broke it time after time. He says when they were drinking coffee, he was repelled by the way she talked and acted like a trash, then why go out on a walk with her the next night, when she can drop a text saying her "results" were negative? It is killing me to feel he has a kind of weakness towards this woman and maybe the others too? I have been paranoid, over analyzing all his past behavior with women — he has a womanizer edge to him — and asking myself, is this the man I want to spend the rest of my life with?

Please, please help me. I don't know what I should do, I am completely torn apart between two choices, I cannot judge clearly or even think without breaking into tears.

  1. Leave him, buy myself a heart break, throw all my future plans in the trash, deny him a chance to fix things and punish him by leaving him and making him see what is the consequence of lying?
  2. Spare myself a heart break, give him a chance, go back to my dreamy relationship again and enjoy his love but always doubt if he is lying to me or not.

All kind of comments are welcomed even if you think it was over reacting and drastic to object to him meeting his "sick" friend.

P.S. I absolutely know he is crazy about me and I am the woman of his life, I just always think he likes to play the field and have his cake at home too. And apart from this problem, EVERYTHING between us is perfect, even many people envy us for being so in love.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 3 years
I'm wondering why you don't realize this, but your heart is already breaking. Doesn't it pain you to not be able to trust him? Doesn't your heart ache everytime your suspicions of his lying are confirmed? Aren't you tired of his deceitful, arrogant, cold-hearted behavior? I'm guessing your answer is yes to each of these questions. You know what you should do- you know what is BEST for your mental health and well-being- but you don't want to do it because you're too strongly attached to this man unworthy of your attachment. He complains about his ex to this day, but says he doesn't have feelings for her? Then what is it that compels him to call her, text her, email her, meet with her, etc? It can't be because he thinks she's a nice person- he thinks she's rude and ruined his life. It can't be pity- you only pity people you either care about or know to not deserve their outcome in life. In his case, her outcome is that they are broken up. So does he pity that? Don't buy his excuse for one instance- there was no cancer story. And even if there was- his excuse is only reasonable for a chat- not for months of communicating and meeting up. Your bf is treating you with the same level of disrespect and hurt that his ex gave him. What he's doing to you is just plain rude. He has no regard for your feelings. He has been given one too many chances already to fix things, but chooses to ignore your feelings and your wants. The relationship is one-sided on his part. So do yourself a favor and leave him. He'll realize what a jerk he was, or maybe he won't. Either way, it sounds like he and his ex are meant for each other. His ex likes to create drama, and your bf likes to seek it out.
Donna-Freundt Donna-Freundt 3 years
You both agreed that she can't be a part of his life. This is an agreement he made with you, that you have taken far more seriously than he has. He's neglecting your wishes, he is hanging out with her despite the fact that she has _ruined his life_ and _repelled him with her trashiness_. Also he made you wait a WHOLE month before he told you she has contacted him and says she has cancer. He should of told you and made you a part of the loop. There is obviously some sort of special connection there, she can ruin his life, be repulsive to him, and still be considered more important to see, than keeping his promise to you. That isn't fair. It could be very well that he is completely in love with you and has no romantic feelings for her. I wouldn't assume that he has or will cheat on you because you have no proof of that. Only he knows that. The lying though is unacceptable and I can understand why you are hurt by it. Even the smallest of lies can make you question a lot. I think you should take a break from him and give yourself some to think about what you want to do. You sound very distressed and like you need some alone time. I am sure you will make the right choice within time. I can't tell you what you should do but I personally would be very tempted to leave him!. You deserve better!~. Good luck.
bluejay17 bluejay17 3 years
Sometimes the bigger and harder decisions you have to make are whether to try harder or walk away. I understand where you are right now. If you walk away you'll end up wondering what if you had given him another chance. And if you do stay, you will always have doubts and resentment towards him that is not a good thing, and you will be wondering if you made the right decision. I would add another option to those you pointed out. Maybe you should have some time apart from each other. Let him wonder and think about what is going on, and let you be without him for a while, find out what the world is about without him, and that everything goes on and he is not the only guy in the world. You said yourself, that you don't know if he is the guy you want to spend your life with, based on his recent behavior. You are not sure. You need time to decide. Breaking up is awful, like you said, throwing away all your plans to the garbage, eveything you thought is going down the drain. But you know what's worst that that? Being with someone who is constantly lying to you, and who you constantly need to be supervising. Good luck to you in making your choice. You are a smart woman and you know what you deserve. Make yourself the top priority right now.
missmaryb missmaryb 3 years
I agree that you are unwise to stay. He has some connection with this woman, and it's not going away, nor is he attempting to really do anything about it. And let's be honest, there could be a whole lot you don't even know about what's been going on between them. I doubt they've kept it strictly platonic, and even if they have kept their hands off each other, he's still having an emotional affair behind your back. That's just as painful, if not more so, because you can be sure there are feelings involved...it's not purely a physical release (not saying that's ok either, but when you involve emotions it's even more insulting). Like kurniakasih I don't think you'll leave him, at least not yet, because you have this idea that you are avoiding heartache by staying. However, I think you are just prolonging the inevitable. Good luck with your decision hon.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
The two choices you've given yourself are unrealistic. Leave him = heartbreak Stay = no heartbreak If you choose to stay with a man who has shown you with his choices and behavior, that he does not respect your boundaries, and you have some expectation that he won't break your heart as he's broken your trust, time after time, then you choose the consequences of staying with that man. If you think those consequences don't include heartbreak, then, as Kurni says, you're not prepared to look at the reality of the situation. You're looking at what you want to see and ignoring what is true....just as bubbles says.....she is not the problem with your relationship, he is. And until you are willing to assign him the responsibility for his own behaviors and actions, and to accept your own, you will never have a healthy, balanced, truthful relationship. The ladies above have said it. He's shown you who he is. Believe him. You say there's only one problem....he wants more than one woman in his life. That's a hell of a big problem for most people. If you truly want a monogomous relationship, then it's time to move on, recognize that this man will never give you what you say you want, and start looking at yourself and asking why you are considering accepting this behavior instead of leaving him where he belongs.....as far away from your life as possible.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
Let's get this straight, there are only two people in your relationship and your problem is HIM, not her. There are a million women like her. Honey you're dealing with a man who is not respecting the boundaries you've asked for and he said he accepted, and is happy to be fought over by two women. Don't listen to a man's words when their actions don't match. Want to know where his heart is? Look at what he's doing, that's what he really wants. Always. No matter what he says. True of anyone. You're letting him run you though. Probably the real problem is your lack of self-confidence and you've hooked up with a charming guy who knows he'll be able to manipulate you. Is this typical for you? Sure, you can love Mr. Wonderful but I'd put money on this problem cropping up in a million ways while you're together. She's just the warning shot. Your choice, your life. You can do a lot better, only if you think you deserve someone who has the integrity to do what they say.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 3 years
Definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again, expecting different outcome. It seems that insanity can be equaled as 'love' eh? :) Proven over time and again, he's lied and broken his promise but you don't seem to either realize that it'll never change or you just prefer sticking your head in the sand. I think you're not stupid, he may be in 'love' with you, but he definitely 'loves' or has deeper connection with her, because even though she 'ruined' his life, he can't let go of her, he's put her over you, and that's reality. If I were you, it's no.1 (LEAVE). But it is your life. It really depends on you too, if you're ok with him 'playing' the field, and you think that's what you deserve, then go ahead and stay around. My point is you only have 1 life, if you're choosing to be unhappy and insecure, it's really your own choice. Good luck. P.S. I'm not going to be surprised if your bf has been cheating on you or if you (ONE DAY--b/c I'm doubtful you'll leave right now-you don't sound ready to let go of the non-working relationship) found out about him cheating. If anything, he comes across as manipulative liar in your post.
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