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Is My Boyfriend Gay?

Group Therapy: I'm Scared My Boyfriend Might Be Gay or Bisexual

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

For the whole time we've been together sometimes he says and jokes around with the most unusual things, like saying about "doing a guy in the butt" and joking in a silly manner, but like lately he's been doing it more and I'm started to get really turned off. Is he like secretly gay or something? I understand men joke around sometimes but like there's a limit to this and he seems to be crossing it. Any suggestions? Does your guy do this?

Also, whenever I bring it up he's like "I'm not gay! Wow are you serious they're just f*cking jokes!" He gets defensive, then yesterday he said, "I'm comfortable in my sexuality to say those jokes and know I'm not gay." I don't understand him; why would he keep saying them then? Is there any suggestions as to how to approach him and tell him if he does have those thoughts or he is homosexual that its okay and to talk to me about it? I don't want to end up being married in the future and find out he is gay and be heartbroken. How can I approach someone like this? Thanks for all the support!

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GZO GZO 4 years
I do this all the time, actually. I once had a friend quietly ask me, "Are you really a lesbian?" No. But there's something about doing this that I think is funny. I think it's because people seem to get so very concerned, as if it's actually some terrible thing that I'm revealing. I think a part of me just likes to make people squirm, and I'm not worried about putting my image at risk in order to do that. Also, I kind of like the fact that I can point out that being gay isn't something awful. I know all of this probably sounds horrible (not to mention stupid), but I don't do it to random strangers, only to people I love and am very comfortable with! I've always been very attracted to men, so I do think there is something to be said about being comfortable enough with your sexuality to do this sort of thing. I do it to my boyfriend all the time (and I don't think he minds picturing it sometimes!), but if he ever questions it, I always remind him that HE is who I want, even though there are plenty of men in this world to choose from. If he ever felt uncomfortable with it, I would tone it down, but I would still remind him that, jokes or not, he's the one I love and want to be with. I think the issue is more that he is reacting defensively. Are you bringing this up calmly and rationally? Or do you snap at him when he does it? If he's defensive for no reason, forget the jokes, they're not the problem. But consider the possibility that you may be being accusatory or overly-reactive. If this isn't the case, try and figure out why he is being so defensive. Does he only react defensively to this topic? Or to everything else? I don't know what I'm saying anymore, but I wish you good luck!
GZO GZO 4 years
I do this all the time, actually. I once had a friend quietly ask me, "Are you really a lesbian?" No. But there's something about doing this that I think is funny. I think it's because people seem to get so very concerned, as if it's actually some terrible thing that I'm revealing. I think a part of me just likes to make people squirm, and I'm not worried about putting my image at risk in order to do that. Also, I kind of like the fact that I can point out that being gay isn't something awful. I know all of this probably sounds horrible (not to mention stupid), but I don't do it to random strangers, only to people I love and am very comfortable with! I've always been very attracted to men, so I do think there is something to be said about being comfortable enough with your sexuality to do this sort of thing. I do it to my boyfriend all the time (and I don't think he minds picturing it sometimes!), but if he ever questions it, I always remind him that HE is who I want, even though there are plenty of men in this world to choose from. If he ever felt uncomfortable with it, I would tone it down, but I would still remind him that, jokes or not, he's the one I love and want to be with.I think the issue is more that he is reacting defensively. Are you bringing this up calmly and rationally? Or do you snap at him when he does it? If he's defensive for no reason, forget the jokes, they're not the problem. But consider the possibility that you may be being accusatory or overly-reactive. If this isn't the case, try and figure out why he is being so defensive. Does he only react defensively to this topic? Or to everything else? I don't know what I'm saying anymore, but I wish you good luck!
nahsj nahsj 4 years
Ok - Do you want to be in a relationship with someone you think might be gay? Of course not. I always had creeping feelings that the bf in one of my more serious relationships was gay - I would constantly try to talk myself out of it (he couldn't coordinate clothes!) but the feeling never went away. FYI- we broke up because he chose a guy friend over me. Just sayin'.
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 4 years
As long as he also loves women (and you), it really doesn't matter if he likes guys, as well. It's not like that means only half his heart will be yours. How have you approached this topic so far? It's hard to tell from his reaction what he feels, but if he really was bi and ashamed to admit it, are you the kind of person he could confide in? I would suggest you try to be. Whether he is or not.
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 4 years
As long as he also loves women (and you), it really doesn't matter if he likes guys, as well. It's not like that means only half his heart will be yours.How have you approached this topic so far? It's hard to tell from his reaction what he feels, but if he really was bi and ashamed to admit it, are you the kind of person he could confide in? I would suggest you try to be. Whether he is or not.
elizabethsosewn elizabethsosewn 4 years
he should respect your feelings if nothing else at all. It's obviously making him uncomfortable when you confront him about your suspicions of his sexuality but i agree with ChrissyLee that you should re-approach him about your feelings. Focusing completely on the fact that these specific jokes to you are in distaste. Ask that he simply refrain from making these jokes around you. If he agrees then be thankful. If he finds this too much then he doesn't really care about your feelings.
redjupe44 redjupe44 4 years
I really don't think he is gay.. I think if he was gay, he would be with guys since he is comfortable enough to joke about it. I know a guy just like this actually, and he acts in every way straight. I think some guys think it is funny joking about being gay, maybe to get attention, or "they are so comfortable with their sexuality." But still, he should at least make an effort to do it less if not completely stop!
janneth janneth 4 years
Why In the world would he keep this up if he knows it bothers you? I suspect he is at least bi. If not, he is a jerk for doing this to you.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
I think the most important part of this is that he's acting in a way that turns you off and makes you upset. You have told him this and he doesn't see any reason to stop. That is unacceptable in a healthy relationship. If you approach this situation with what is bothering you, instead of accusing him of being gay, he may get less defensive. You need to have another talk with him, but make it about how you guys communicate with each other. Just the way he talks does not make him gay, and I do know some very straight married men who talk like this all the time, just not around their wives. Make sure you get an apology and the respect you deserve from this man, and have him save the dirty talk for his buddies.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 4 years
I think the most important part of this is that he's acting in a way that turns you off and makes you upset. You have told him this and he doesn't see any reason to stop. That is unacceptable in a healthy relationship. If you approach this situation with what is bothering you, instead of accusing him of being gay, he may get less defensive. You need to have another talk with him, but make it about how you guys communicate with each other. Just the way he talks does not make him gay, and I do know some very straight married men who talk like this all the time, just not around their wives.Make sure you get an apology and the respect you deserve from this man, and have him save the dirty talk for his buddies.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 4 years
Agreed with Joe, gay or not, he's sarcastic and defensive, and needs to work on those qualities. My high school boyfriend was secretly gay. He was the first guy I slept with, so I wasn't sure- but he treated sex like a joke. I remember once in bed he started making train noises- like chugga chugga choo choo- and he laughed about it. He also asked if he could cover me in barbecue sauce (instead of chocolate sauce) because he said I tasted like chicken. He was also a mega flirt 24-7, but phony about it. Like he was trying to convince the world (and his conservative parents) that he was straight. I confided in a couple of my closest girl-friends that I thought he was queer... they told me I was imagining it. He came out of the closet a few years later. So my point is, if your only reason for thinking he's gay is what he says, he probably isn't.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 4 years
Agreed with Joe, gay or not, he's sarcastic and defensive, and needs to work on those qualities.My high school boyfriend was secretly gay. He was the first guy I slept with, so I wasn't sure- but he treated sex like a joke. I remember once in bed he started making train noises- like chugga chugga choo choo- and he laughed about it. He also asked if he could cover me in barbecue sauce (instead of chocolate sauce) because he said I tasted like chicken.He was also a mega flirt 24-7, but phony about it. Like he was trying to convince the world (and his conservative parents) that he was straight. I confided in a couple of my closest girl-friends that I thought he was queer... they told me I was imagining it. He came out of the closet a few years later.So my point is, if your only reason for thinking he's gay is what he says, he probably isn't.
lcrox07 lcrox07 4 years
Maybe he just really isn't gay then. Tell him it's a turn off, he'll stop.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years
OP, You are correct, these are important issues, but there is one issue that is even more important: He is too sarcastic for your tastes. (He is also too defensive.) If your relationship were to go anywhere with him, you would need to sit down and tell him you think he is too sarcastic and defensive, and that it is starting to upset you. Do not even THINK of marrying this guy until you have this conversation with him AND he gives you a FULL apology for all of this. (Feel free to ask what a 'full' apology is.)Healthy relationships are happening when both people can sit down and discuss each other's personality weaknesses in great detail. He is unwilling to do this, so this relationship has a long way to go before it is anywhere near ready to become a marriage.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years
OP, You are correct, these are important issues, but there is one issue that is even more important: He is too sarcastic for your tastes. (He is also too defensive.) If your relationship were to go anywhere with him, you would need to sit down and tell him you think he is too sarcastic and defensive, and that it is starting to upset you. Do not even THINK of marrying this guy until you have this conversation with him AND he gives you a FULL apology for all of this. (Feel free to ask what a 'full' apology is.) Healthy relationships are happening when both people can sit down and discuss each other's personality weaknesses in great detail. He is unwilling to do this, so this relationship has a long way to go before it is anywhere near ready to become a marriage.
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