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Is My Boyfriend Gay?

Dear Sugar
My boyfriend and I have a great relationship with an active, fun and fulfilling sex life. The other day, I was using his computer and came across a setting that allows you to see a list of the last ten website searches. Low and behold, all of them were wacky pornography sites and what I found nearly knocked the wind out of me.

I know that lots of guys look at porn, but not sights like "Straight Tricked Gay", "Bisexual Oral Sex" and "Beautiful She-Males!" I have never questioned my boyfriend's sexuality before, but now I am all ears. Does this mean that he is gay or bisexual? I am shocked, upset and confused and I don't know what to do. Alarmed Amy

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Alarmed Amy
Finding your boyfriend's porn stash is definitely shocking, especially if he's never lead on that he's into it. It's good that you are aware that most men do look at pornography from time to time. Although it's disheartening, every man gets aroused differently. In this instance however, you have every right to be concerned with your boyfriend's choice of material. If his turn-ons include other men, I think it's time to have a talk with him.

Keep an open mind and remember, that just because he is viewing gay porn, it doesn't necessarily mean that he is gay. It could mean he is confused about his sexuality and maybe he is interested in experimenting. Also consider the possibility of someone else using his computer recently. Is there the chance this is all just a false alarm?

As upset as you are, make sure to approach your boyfriend in a non threatening way; chances are he will be defensive and quite embarrassed. Let him know how concerned you are and that you would appreciate some answers.

Ask your boyfriend if he is having urges to explore his sexuality outside your relationship. Also ask him if his pornography interests are a sign of something deeper. Try not to jump to any conclusions until you have all of your questions answered. You never know, there could be a funny story behind all of this after all.

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Join The Conversation
Jinx Jinx 9 years
I know guys that view internet porn, and they don't go anywhere near gay porn sites, unless its lesbian sites. If he's confused, or interested, fine, but then he wouldn't be the guy for me. ~Procrastinate Now! Don't Put It Off~ (Ellen)
Fancy04 Fancy04 9 years
Ask him.
skyslang skyslang 9 years
Okay, I'm a gay man and I feel like I can give you a different perspective. If you're having varied and frequent sex you have NOTHING to worry about. He's obviously into you, and women in general. Trust me on this one. Maybe he's a little more kinky than you thought at first, but like one of the posters above said, that could be fun for you too! Talk to him about it but try and be cool and open minded. Good luck!!! BG
getstinko getstinko 9 years
You need to be very careful here. I take a hard line on this. Straight men are not interested in guy on guy action and if he has an interest here he may be investigating bringing it to reality (or have already dabbled). I agree with Annie, this is most likely the tip of the iceberg. Men have tremendous access to casual sex with other men and the result is higher % chance of STDs. STDs that you may not even know you are getting such as Genital Warts, HIV etc - these don't always show up until after the relationship is over. Take hold of your destiny and do not move forward until you've done more homework on why he's into this kind of porn. You've got one life, don't waste time with someone if theres a chance that 10 years from now you are going to figure out that he's got a dude in Arizona he humps on when he travels. Does he travel much? Does he have male "friends" who he spends a lot of time with? That porn is a huge "tell" and one you should not casually dismiss.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
ewwwww. too weird for me. i would ask him directly about it but then be prepared to leave the relationship if i didn't like his answer. to each his own, and every consenting adult is entitled to their preferences, but mine is 1:1 hetero at all times. he isn't going to change what turns him on, and it's not going away, so wither find out what it is and accept it or move on.
honey31 honey31 9 years
Thank you soccer.
Annie2u59 Annie2u59 9 years
i`d be tailing his butt, and keeping an eye on that computer, i`m not condemning the man for being gay, but they are at a higher risk for contacting and spreading aids the heterosexuals. you have a right to keep yourself safe.
celsou celsou 9 years
Here here to the above. For a lot of people, "normal" porn (straight or gay) just doesnt cut it - they can get that in their everyday lives. They want something...more. I would, however, point out that there is going to be more at stake here if/when you bring this up. You were browsing on his computer and snooping into his files. There is a privacy and trust issue broken here by you, as well. Be prepared to explain/apologize for that during this discussion.
lula29 lula29 9 years
I don't know. Sexuality is so complex and I think everyone is interested in seeing all types of behaviors they heard about. It doesn't exactly mean they want to do anything about it, but it is interesting to watch. I'd talk about it with him because if you are in a relationship you need to know his view of sexuality. His views on sexuality and how it factors into your relationship will effect you in the long term so I would just talk frankly about what you think and set things up for him to tell you exactly how he views sex, himself and the like. It's kind of good you found it because to me you have the potential to grow more as a couple. People are into all kinds of things sexually for god knows what reason and you can't shy away from that, it will only limit your relationships. They will always be shallow and never deepen. I say use it as an excuse to learn more about your boyfriend and don't jump to conclusions about how he sees himself.
soccer_obsessed soccer_obsessed 9 years
i'd be shocked and surprised to don't wry so basically what honey said
SevenOver SevenOver 9 years
You may want to consider that there is a perfectly good explanation for this type of browsing, too. Could a friend have been using his computer? Could he and some buddies be planning a practical joke on another friend relating to homosexuality? Could it be that he was sent a link to a site (such as the "she-males") that made him think "WHOAH!", just looked out of curiosity (guys love stuff they think is "gross"), and one site led to another. He may not have been aroused at all...just curious, bored, and mosying around on the internet.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 9 years
i wouldn't worry about it. straight people look at gay porn all the time. actually, gay people look at straight porn too. does anyone here read dan savage?
cubadog cubadog 9 years
Here's a thought instead of asking us what he is thinking why don't you ask him if he wants to explore his sexuality a bit. I really don't think it is that big of deal and you need to treat it that way otherwise he will just feel embarrassed. You need to support whatever decision he makes. You never know it could be fun for you too!
honey31 honey31 9 years
Lol tor oh my!I would ask him hun I dont blame you being upset Id feel the same as you if I were in your shoes.
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