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Is My Boyfriend Going to Break Up With Me?

Group Therapy: I've Got This Gut Feeling

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've got this gut feeling that my boyfriend doesn't want to be with me anymore. He's kinda acting off. I just feel like he's not putting the effort in that he used to . . . and if you know that feeling, it's heartbreaking. He's acting a bit different to normal (maybe exam stress?) and it's giving me this gut feeling that I'm in the way or he just doesn't want me to be around anymore. I know he's busy, but if he used to be able to make the time — nothing's changed so why can't he anymore? I don't want to end it, as we've been together over a year. I just hate this feeling and need some advice.

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karlotta karlotta 4 years
Love isn't linear. When you've been in a long relationship (I've been with my BF six years), you realize that there are even days you don't love them at all. That's actually what real love is - seeing through those days with the conviction that the feeling will return; and for us, it always does, sometimes even stronger than ever. Sometimes it's 2 hours later; sometimes it's 2 weeks, 2 months, if we're going through a rough patch. The secret? Give each other space, not have too many expectations of continual attention, and respect. My boyfriend is very involved in a new project right now, and I'm sure he's got a million other things on his mind than being lovey-dovey (or sexual, for that matter.) Fine with me; I'm supportive of the project, I let him know I'm there, and I leave him the F alone. He did the same for me last month when I had a huge work load and I had little time to give him. When I was done, we were super happy to find each other again; and I know that next week, once his project is completed, I'll get ravaged 18 ways to Sunday, especially because I was cool-headed enough not to take his "absence" personally. If your guy is going through exams, his mind is focused on that. Does NOT mean he doesn't love you anymore. Just means he's comfortable enough in his relationship with you that he knows he can concentrate on something else for a while - but he'll be back. Probably sooner than you think, especially if you give him the GENUINE understanding and space he needs. That's just life...
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
If you feel you just have to talk to him about it, go ahead. But be unflinchingly honest about your own internal state. Talk about yourself, not about him and what he is or isn't doing. (I seriously doubt he thinks anything is wrong. He's just focusing on something other than his girlfriend for a moment--which is his complete right to do.)So you'd tell him you're feeling lonely and nervous and insecure and that you just want to be around him for a while to feel better. (It does sound a bit needy, but it's much easier to for him to understand and sympathize with than defensiveness or accusations.) And then ask him if you can hang out at his place for a little bit while he studies. Bring food and something to do and you'll be very welcome.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
If you feel you just have to talk to him about it, go ahead. But be unflinchingly honest about your own internal state. Talk about yourself, not about him and what he is or isn't doing. (I seriously doubt he thinks anything is wrong. He's just focusing on something other than his girlfriend for a moment--which is his complete right to do.) So you'd tell him you're feeling lonely and nervous and insecure and that you just want to be around him for a while to feel better. (It does sound a bit needy, but it's much easier to for him to understand and sympathize with than defensiveness or accusations.) And then ask him if you can hang out at his place for a little bit while he studies. Bring food and something to do and you'll be very welcome.
vizslalvr vizslalvr 4 years
I personally don't think you should EVER be afraid or nervous to talk about your feelings with your partner. I don't think you need to withdraw like a turtle in your shell because "men" are different - that's b.s. Different people react to stress differently, and as long as you approach the topic in a calm, non-accusatory manner at a neutral time, you should be able to discuss this problem so as to put your mind at ease and bring your relationship to a healthier place. I don't see the problem in casually saying, "I've felt like recently you've been a bit withdrawn. I hope everything is okay - you know I am always here if I you want to talk or need anything." And then you can ask him to tell you if he wants space or would be happier if you just let him be in the future when he acted this way without bringing it up.
pink-elephant pink-elephant 4 years
Have you tried talking with him, as you say... may be under stress or may not even know he's distancing himself. If he is, ask for a reason...you never know unless you ask.
kas87 kas87 4 years
I have to agree with Helen Danger on this one. I went through this recently with my boyfriend. He was in the middle of some stressful exams as well, and he was pulling away and didn't seem that excited to see or spend time with me. The voice in my head was telling me that something was changing in our relationship, he didn't want to be with me, etc, etc. But I took a deep breath, talked to my married older sister about it and decided to back off for a while to see if things got better when he was done with exams. Things did improve and are now back to normal, and I'm glad that I didn't bring it up with him and add to his stress level. This is just a general statement, but I think, as women, we have an instinct to talk and confide in others when we are in a stressful situation, while guys tend to retreat and isolate themselves. Let them. Once the storm has passed, then talk to your guy about concerns or insecurities if you still have them. He'll be more relaxed and receptive to what you have to say.
kas87 kas87 4 years
I have to agree with Helen Danger on this one. I went through this recently with my boyfriend. He was in the middle of some stressful exams as well, and he was pulling away and didn't seem that excited to see or spend time with me. The voice in my head was telling me that something was changing in our relationship, he didn't want to be with me, etc, etc. But I took a deep breath, talked to my married older sister about it and decided to back off for a while to see if things got better when he was done with exams. Things did improve and are now back to normal, and I'm glad that I didn't bring it up with him and add to his stress level. This is just a general statement, but I think, as women, we have an instinct to talk and confide in others when we are in a stressful situation, while guys tend to retreat and isolate themselves. Let them. Once the storm has passed, then talk to your guy about concerns or insecurities if you still have them. He'll be more relaxed and receptive to what you have to say.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
This is normal. Guys always do this and it drives us all nuts. He's backing off, but it's only temporary. And he doesn't even know he's doing it.All you have to do is NOT overreact. Don't have a 'talk' about it. He'll react negatively because he won't know what you're talking about and it'll feel like you're attacking him. And his lack of compassion will get you even more upset and feeling like your intuitions have all just been justified and...you get the picture. Not good.Tell yourself it's exam stress. And give him all the space in the world and get back to the stuff you like to do. Do your best to forget about him for a while and just be happy to see him when he returns to you. It's part of the whole relationship dance. This part sucks, but it's worth it!
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
This is normal. Guys always do this and it drives us all nuts. He's backing off, but it's only temporary. And he doesn't even know he's doing it. All you have to do is NOT overreact. Don't have a 'talk' about it. He'll react negatively because he won't know what you're talking about and it'll feel like you're attacking him. And his lack of compassion will get you even more upset and feeling like your intuitions have all just been justified and...you get the picture. Not good. Tell yourself it's exam stress. And give him all the space in the world and get back to the stuff you like to do. Do your best to forget about him for a while and just be happy to see him when he returns to you. It's part of the whole relationship dance. This part sucks, but it's worth it!
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