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My Boyfriend Had A Vasectomy and I Want Kids

Dear Sugar
I am currently in an extremely loving relationship with an older man. I am 26 and he is 45 years old. He is divorced and has two children with a crazy ex wife. We have been together for almost a year now and have basically been living together for the past ten months.

Everything between us is more amazing than I could have ever imaged but there is one major problem...he had a vasectomy and I want kids. We have both been very open about our future and I am not shy addressing my desire for my own children.

I know dating someone older, and with their own kids, is a gamble for someone younger but you can't help who you fall in love with. He loves me and wants to spend his life with me, so do you think it is out of the question to ask him to reverse his vasectomy? Is that even possible to do? Impregnate Me Irene

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Impregnate Me Irene
If you want children with this man, it is not out of the question to ask him to reverse his vasectomy. I understand your desire for bearing your own children with the man that you love and you are fortunate to have options in order to make your dream a reality.

Have you talked about the possibility of having children together or is he just aware that you want your own one day? Before you bring this idea to the table, make sure you do your research. If you are both on the same page about your future, ask away, but be aware this is not an overnight transformation.

Vasectomy reversal surgery is quite common and if you are in the hands of the right doctor, the surgery can be very successful, although it can cost upwards of $20,000. If sperm is not presented in the semen after six months of the surgery, the vasectomy reversal surgery is considered a failure.

Men have the option of having a second surgery, but you could also try a nonsurgical approach. Sperm can be extracted straight from the man's testicles or the epididymis then followed up by Sperm Injection (ICSI) and In Vitro. As you can see, the measures one has to take are not small, but they can be done. If you are both on board for a trial and error period to make another life, I wish you luck.

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wynter wynter 9 years
A vasectomy is reversible. I have a friend who's husband had a reversal performed. They have a beautiful 4 year old daughter now and a son on the way! Good luck with this.
Lizabelle Lizabelle 9 years
I think it is a fair conversation to have. I mean he could have had the Vasectomy because he did not want anymore children, or because his wife and him agreed on having 2 then he would have it done. Instead of asking him if he wants to reverse it, talk about your desire and see if he shares it, I agree with the above post that he has to come to the decision, if he wants it then he will look into it and suggest it and the two of you can look into it together. If he does not it makes me think of Sex in the City, when Carrie had to ask herself if Petrovsky could love her enough to make up for the fact that she would never have a baby…
SaRaH-22 SaRaH-22 9 years
my best friends dad was in this situation he was 45 and his new wife was 26...he went and had it reversed, it took them a little longer to get prego and had to have a little help but it worked out and 3 years after the reversal welcomed their first daughter together! and i have never seen 2 people more happy together! best of luck and just rememeber to always be 100% open & honest and it will all work out!
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 9 years
That's the chance you take when you date a man so much older than you. He's passed the having children phase when you've only just begun. Maybe he doesn't want to be a father at 45 or 47 or 50! Definetly talk about it now not years down the road.
kh61582 kh61582 9 years
Well I think before anything you should talk with him. I'm dating an older man and they can sometimes have very specific ideas about having more children or not. I would recommend adoption though. There are too many children out there who don't have homes...
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 9 years
I think you need to have a talk with him about your future. Just because he has had a vasectomy does not mean he would never want to have children with you, but it could mean he doesn't want any more kids. You need to find out what he feels about the whole issue and make your decision from that.
lolak lolak 9 years
why are the pictures always so disturbing on these posts?
Kristyna Kristyna 9 years
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH! I am dating a 31 year old with 2 kids and has had a vasectomy for 6 years. The process of reversal is expensive, painful, not guaranteed!!! We've had 2 fertility doctors tell us that we have almost no chance of getting pregnant with a reversal. In Vitro is our best chance. The longer a man has a vasectomy the more a bacteria grows which damages the sperms tail. Bad tail=no swim=no fertilization. All that aside, I entered this relationship with no expectations of children. I knew he was unable, but I also told him that I wanted kids someday. I never had any intention of compromising my wants or asking him to change his. I also never expected us to have a future because of this. The more time we spent together and the more we fell in love our priorities changed. He made the decision on his own that he loved me, and wanted children with me. He was the one who looked in to reversals, not me. So my answer to you is absolutely DO NOT ask him to get a reversal or any type of fertility treatment. He will do whatever it takes to have kids with you, IF that's what HE wants. If he chooses not to then you need to be ok with no children or ready to move on.
superjules superjules 9 years
Do you know the whole story behind why he had the vasectomy? There are MANY reasons why a man might get one, not simply because he doesn't ever want kids again. Maybe he just never wanted to have kids with his crazy ex-wife again? We don't know the whole story. Find out how he feels about marriage first. And then let him know that you can't see yourself in a life without your own children someday. I hope all works out well for you.
Marci Marci 9 years
Kratsina, don't you think their discussing children plays a part in deciding if they want to marry each other? That seems like an important point to cover before walking down the aisle. There are times when even people who love and care for each other can't work it out because of the children issue. It can be a real deal breaker. I thought of 'Friends' too, Katie225. Good reference! It's sad, but whether you want children together is a very important factor in whether you'll spend your life with someone or not. And no one should be pressured to have them if they don't want them, or pressured into NOT have them if they do want them.
MandyJoBo MandyJoBo 9 years
I think it's completely fair to bring this up with him. He made the decision before he met you, and feelings change. However, you should be understanding if he chooses NOT to reverse the procedure. Whatever you do, DON'T pressure him! It's not fair to him or the possible child.
katie225 katie225 9 years
this is like how monica and richard broke up on "friends". he kept saying how if this was what it would take to keep her in his life, then he would force himself to have kids again. but she didn't like the idea that he wasn't gung-ho about it, so they broke up. that is a great message that the show gave: if you want kids, have them with someone who wants them as well, not with someone who will just tolerate them for the sake of a relationship. when men get vasectomies, they DON'T want anymore kids. don't try to pressure him, just leave. if you begin to pressure him, HE will leave. find someone more your own age (not that i'm against big gaps in ages) because you're more likely to find someone who wants the same thing in life that you want.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 9 years
I know vasectomy surgeries can be reversed (like Dear said, at high cost), but the fact is that most men get them because they are 100% sure that they don't wish any(more) children. If he's not willing to commit to definitely either trying to concieve a child with you or go the adoption route, then you really owe it to yourself to take a good look at the future of your relationship. Down the road if you stayed together you would resent him for not giving you the one thing you always dreamed of. If you decide to move on from the relationship, don't worry, you are young and kind-hearted and you'll meet the man of your dreams who'll be excited about starting a family with you.
bluedreams bluedreams 9 years
I am in the same situation. I've dated my boyfriend for two years, he is divorced with two children. He got a vasectomy during our relationship, at the time I was focused on anything but my career. Now, I am being pulled towards having a family. Getting a vasectomy was enough of a statement to me that this man does not want any more children, regardless of his feelings about me. Don't count on your boyfriend to change his mind, he's been there and knows what work it is to raise a child. He may want to spend the rest of his life with you, (but he probably said the same thing to his ex-wife) probably not you and a child.
lilxmissxmolly lilxmissxmolly 9 years
Adoption? **“In my mind, I’ve always been an A-list Hollywood superstar. Y’all just didn’t know yet.” -Will Smith **
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
I would have this conversation with him right away. If he refuses then no matter how much you love each other, it probably isn't going to work in the long run. That is, if you aren't willing to not have kids, and adoption isn't something you'd consider.
Kratsina Kratsina 9 years
I don't know, maybe I'm old fashion but shouldn't you be talking about whether you two are going to get married before you start discussing him fathering your children? I don't see a relationship of a year being proof that you two are meant for one another and he should have a procedue that, while easier than a woman's reversal of sterilzation, isn't an easy thing to have done. He obviously spent considerable time thinking about whether he wants to have kids again and I just think you need to invest more time in the relationship before you go about asking him to reverse his vacestomy.
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