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My Boyfriend Has Bad Manners

"I'm Confused About His Manners"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have a nice boyfriend who makes me laugh, who is serious when he needs to be, a family-oriented fellow, very educated, and goal-oriented. However, I am so so confused by his lack of manners — especially since he has all of the above qualities. When he comes over, he always leaves a mess in the bathroom — pee on the toilet plus some on the floor! How is this possible? He is 38, and he has enough education and family values to know better. This has happened several times already and last night, I brought it to his attention. He was shocked when I mentioned it and then reacted with "Wow, you really are honest." I don't know what he expected from me, to be quiet about it? I don't think so. I speak my mind and if I don't like something, I will say it, and I expect the same from others.

He joked about it after, saying something like, "Now I am scared to go to your bathroom, are you going to be checking after me?" And I replied, half jokingly, "Well, I might have to." Then he said, laughing, "Are you going to supervise me then?" and I replied, "Well, considering your age, I just might have to." We laughed it off, but I definitely wasn't joking, and I think he knows it.

I'm just not used to being with someone who doesn't have good manners. My ex-boyfriend might have been a jerk in many ways, but boy was he clean and neat, always! I'd like to get to know this new guy better, and I think if we are going to make it in the long run, we have to be honest with each other. Like I said, he has qualities that I highly value, such as honesty and character, but 10 years ago, the lack of good manners would have been a deal breaker for me. Now, being older (I am 38 as well), I feel that there are bigger issues that are deal breakers — such as lying, for example. However, if this problem continues, it would mean a lack of respect, since he knows it bothers me.

Are there other women out there who feel the same? What are deal breakers for you? How do you deal with such issues, and do you believe in "honesty is the best policy" with guys?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously on Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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modafiniljunkie modafiniljunkie 4 years
This isn't about manners - it's about his lousy aim.  It's gross, but I highly doubt he's doing it maliciously.  Bad manners would be more like interrupting others or chewing with his mouth open.  Next time he leaves a mess, simply point it out and nicely ask him to clean up after himself.  He has probably never noticed it before, so it'll be a challenge to establish a habit for him when he was unaware there was a problem.  Also, if that's your only complaint with him, well there are worse things.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
Well this does explain a lot of public bathrooms...
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Well, I do have to say I understand exactly where you're coming from.I can deal with a lot of stuff, but a guy leaving his pee for me to clean up would piss me off no end! I know a lot of guys do this, but really, how lazy do you have to be to lift the lid and hit the bowl! I mean he's 38, not 4, right? Do I sound just like you? Pet peeve, can you tell? :) At the same time, I agree with missmary. You said something to him, you believe he knows what you're saying, that he got the message. And she is so right about good communication being the base of relationships. My suggestion for a continuing relationship, or, if you find yourselves sharing space frequently, is a second bathroom. As ms bubbles said a while back, guys have different priorities and so there are things they will ignore in favor of other things. If one of those things turns out to be cleaning up after themselves in the bathroom, then they need a space for that all to themselves, where their lack of cognizance isn't going to affect anyone but themselves. If that's not a possibility, then you need make a consequence for his lack of manners towards you in the bathroom.....which means not inviting him into your space unless and until he learns to mind those manners. I do agree with do have to tolerate people's quirks. I have a lot of those myself, and learning to compromise is essential. I do also have to say, I would also not be tolerant of this quirk, as you are not, and I also would say something, particularly to someone with so many great qualities to recommend him. Good luck with your piss pot guy :)
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
I would give anything for a guy whose biggest flaw is peeing on the seat! lol. Seriously, if it's something that really bothers you, then you were right to say something, because lack of communication is what leads to most problems in a relationship. I also believe that he should now look after himself a little better if he knows it irks you. However, I would certainly not consider it a deal breaker. Deal breakers for me are lying consistently, cheating, emotional/physical abuse, repeated disrespect for myself or my family...the big things. Nobody is perfect and everyone has annoying habits and behaviors. That's life, so to be in a successful relationship you have to be somewhat tolerant of people's oddities and such. Good luck.
zabrow zabrow 4 years
if him peeing on the seat is the worst you have to deal with with a guy, that's pretty alright. it sounds like he's pretty great in every other way, so maybe this is something you can learn to deal with..? it just doesn't seem like a lack of respect thing on his end, it seems like an oblivious guy thing. like, if he pees on the seat in the future, he's not doing it to purposely make you mad, he's just not thinking about it at all. i don't know, i just think there are worse things in relationships & things that are actually worth getting worked up over.
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