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My Boyfriend Has Lying Problem

"My Boyfriend Has a Problem With Lying"

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

My boyfriend has a problem with lying. But the thing is, he doesn't see what he does as lying. He tells me it's not a lie. Then, he says it's only 1/4th of a lie. Then he says it's a half-truth. And then he goes right back to saying he didn't lie. 

I can tell when he's lying. He freezes up and becomes stone cold. Perhaps that's his kind of poker face. I don't know. Anyway, I've caught him in all sorts of small lies. Out of curiosity, I asked him if he looked at porn. When he said no, I was stunned. I thought that all men looked at porn. Even I look at porn (I'm a girl), and I was trying to use the conversation to bring up the topic of us viewing porn together. Then, I found out he lied, and that he does look at porn quite a bit. I'm not upset about him viewing porn; I'm upset that he lied about it. To me, it shows that he doesn't feel comfortable sharing everything with me, even though he says that he can. I don't know why he doesn't. Another lie I caught him in is when he was going out to party. He said he was just staying in. Then he said he had planned to go to that party since several weeks ago, and that he would only stay for a few hours because he was just going for his guy friend. He stayed out all night and into the late morning. Another lie is when he went over to a sketchy house, but refused to tell me he was there. He said he didn't have plans. I found out from a friend that they were all going there for a party, and that they planned to get high (when I expressed my disapproval of getting high, he said he wouldn't do it . . . but only for me; he really wanted to do it). Another lie is when he said he had never had a sexual relationship with anyone. He once asked me if I was friends with past crushes/flings, and I said no. He said it would be inappropriate and that he'd never do that. Lo and behold, he is friends with his past crushes and flings. He has told other lies, but these are the ones that stick out the most for me.

Keep reading for the rest of the dilemma.

Oh, wait, another thing is that he is currently going behind my back to rent out our car to a total stranger for about a month. I had no idea he was going to do this, and I'm upset. It's our car, not just his; the stranger is of course not on our insurance plan or the registration. It's a stupid and risky move. 

I have been having doubts about our relationship. I love him so much, and I really want things to work out. I want him to be honest with me 100 percent, and not lie or cover the truth up. But I feel like he can never give that to me. He is my first boyfriend. We've been together for three years, and we live together. Other than this, he doesn't really have any other big problems. He sometimes gets overwhelmed with work, so I feel a bit neglected emotionally and physically. He has also had some slight boundary issues with female friends that I was uncomfortable with. Objectively, I can view the boundary issues as not a big deal. But I'm me, and I have certain boundaries. He is okay with having female friends cry on his shoulder and lean on him for support; I am not. He is okay with being cutesy with female friends; I am not. He is okay with spending time with them one-on-one for hours upon hours talking about sexual things; I am not. He comes from a different, much more liberal culture than I do, so I can understand where he's coming from. But to my understanding, relationships are about compromise (within reason). I feel like I am not being unreasonable. I have compromised for him in the past, but he seems unwilling to do the same for me because he doesn't think he has a problem. He thinks the problem is me. He thinks that all our relationship problems are my fault, and that he has his flaws too but that they are not such a big deal. 

What I want to ask is this: Can this relationship work out? Do any of you share similar experiences? I'm just so confused and I don't know what to do. I just know that I don't want to break up with him. But what's the point in staying if there's nothing that I can do to make it work? I certainly can't force it.

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onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
i agree with everyone else. i dated a compulsive liar for two years. I look back on it now and I'm ashamed that I put myself through that for so long. I waited for him to break up with me because I wasn't strong enough to do it myself, and because he was so charming and (from the outside) everything I was looking for. That relationship gave me baggage and trust issues for years after we broke up. it took a couple years to work through all the issues, but now I'm completely happy with someone new who I trust absolutely. If I could go back, I would have gotten out sooner.
CiaoBella01 CiaoBella01 4 years
my last boyfriend lied about the most ridiculous things. the worst part was that his friends thought his lying was stupid so would rat him out. his reasoning? he wanted to avoid confrontation and naturally just lied because he's been doing so for years. he would lie about hanging out with his buddies at the gym, but he was at a bar with his buddies. he would lie that he was about to go to bed but was planning on watching a movie in bed. literally, stupid reasons and there was no harm as to why he was lying, but he did it anyway.    we ended up breaking up because he didn't understand why he lied not just to me, but to everyone around him. i realized it wasn't me, it was him. it was something in his mind that for some reason, thinks lying is fine and he started to understand that there was something wrong with him.   i'm glad we broke up because it wasn't until we were done when i realized, wow, i can do so much better.    it's hard to imagine a life without your boyfriend right now, but there are better people out there who will treat you better and not find the need to lie. you need to talk to him about it and end it. it will be hard for him to change his habit if he's been doing this for years, but see it was it's something that's wrong with him, not you! hopefully this helps!
tms14 tms14 4 years
Let me start here. If someone is lying and you know it, you will never be able to fix or change that. He clearly has things going on that he does not want to tell you about. Its a compulsion that is personal and has nothign to do with you. Listen, my bf is one of those. He lies about EVERYTHING. Porn, cheating, friends, habits and probably what color shirt he is wearing. DOnt wory I am on my way out. I am moving in 2 weeks, as we are curently living together as well. He will not change. He even gets angry when I question the lies I catch him in as if it is my fault for knowing. Nobody deserves the stress of a dishonest relationship. Do you really want to go on feeling the way you feel? THat sick feeling of distrust? Like he is living a secret life? You have to snoop around to catch him doing what he says he is not? And he expects you to look the other way right? Life is too short and there are tons of men out here. Let this one be a stepping stone to something great. Let it be a lesson to teach you what you really want and deserve. Let him go. MOve out when he is least expecting it and never call him again. Now you know my plan. Good luck. And make sure to always love yourself. You are the most important thing to you.
Iliy Iliy 4 years
Honey, this relationship is obviously flawed. There are tons of things he does that you do not approve of, so it is only normal that you feel uncomfortable and neglected. And this is not the way a relationship is supposed to be! If confronting him doesn't work out, you should give him an ultimatum or something more serious, since he doesn't take anything else seriously. You don't have to feel this way, and your integrity is way more important than a relationship that you don't feel comfortable in. I bet you don't even act like yourself in his presence! I know it's hard letting go of long, serious relationships, but once a liar/cheater, always a liar/cheater. Stand up for yourself!
stfualready stfualready 4 years
You're right. You cannot force it. In my experience with two compulsive liars, it never works out. You don't trust anything they say anymore, and that's not your fault. He obviously has issues with this. I think it may stem from fear of being judged, so he lies. Honestly, I DO NOT THINK it could work out anymore than it has. Maybe you're not ready to break up now, but definitely think about what kind of frustrating life you'll be living with this person.
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