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My Boyfriend Lied to Me

Dear Sugar--

My previous boyfriend and I had been dating for almost 2 years. I took him to a hockey game on Valentine's Day, and he got a call from a random girl. I asked him who it was, and he said it was a girl that his friend introduced him to at the bar. I was fairly hurt that he never mentioned anything about meeting another girl, but then he told me he only had her number because his married friend wanted to keep in touch with her, but didn't want his wife to know. Anyway, he eventually confessed that he had given her his number on his own- but swore that nothing had happened, he
wasn't interested and so on, just that she had asked for it and he didn't want to be mean.

We broke up about a month ago, and recently we hooked back up. Before we hooked up I asked him to tell me if he had been with anyone, and he looked into my eyes and told me he hadn't so much as met a girl. I wanted to be cautious for health reasons.

A few days ago, he confessed to me that he had lied when he told me he hadn't fooled around. And not only had he lied about it, it was the girl he had given his number to when we were together.

I feel betrayed that he told me nothing was going on with her, when there clearly was something because he took action when we broke up. And I also, obviously, feel very very betrayed that he lied to me.

Now he's asking for forgiveness, and I forgave him for my sake. He wants to get back together and is trying everything. He says he'll even move somewhere with me so we can get away from everything and he says he'll change his lifestyle.

What should I do? --Betrayed Beth

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Betrayed Beth--

Once a lying, cheating, sneaking around boyfriend - always one. Once the trust is broken, it is incredibly hard to get it back, especially when more lies seem to be revealed. If he had met that girl way before you two had your break, I'm sorry to say it, but who knows how long he was hooking up with her!? I am not buying his excuse...

He also outright lied to your face, and put your health at risk (hasn't he ever heard of STIs?) It's great that he finally was honest and later told you the truth, but he shouldn't have been with this girl in the first place if he really cared about you and wanted to mend your relationship. If you do decide to reconcile, in the back of your mind, you'll always be wondering if he's telling you the truth, not a good foundation if you ask me.

It sounds like this guy is a bit immature and dishonest, and those are NOT qualities you want or deserve in a boyfriend. His gesture to move away with you makes me think even he doesn't trust himself to stay faithful. My advice? Take a permanent break from this guy. Good luck Beth.

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ali321 ali321 6 years
No way. He lied to you the first time and then again. He also said that he gave the girl his number because "he didn't want to seem mean." That's a horrible excuse. He lied to you about not fooling around while you were apart and put your health at risk. Like others said if you move away there will still be girls. I wouldn't trust him again. You can find better out there.
Eternity Eternity 9 years
moving will not solve anything, there are women everywhere you go, and the internet is always available. if a guy can get the attention of two women at any given time, especially one that he knows deep inside is girlfriend material but which he lacks the respect or attraction for, he will do it for as long as absolutely possible. this guy is emotionally unavailable. tell him to hit the road and be satisfied that you could play such a strong lesson giving role in his life. trust me, you will be glad you did when you meet the next guy.
irishchic33 irishchic33 9 years
A relationship will not survive without honesty. You deserve to know the truth and he is not treating you fairly. It appears that he is looking for personal gain at your expense. You may want to rethink the relationship.
kayden kayden 9 years
Get out of there and just learn from this relationship. There are to many fish in the sea. He had no respect and put you at risk for a STD. Take a deep breath write down all the things you learned from this. Find something you like to do for yourself, stay busy and make yourself happy. Eventually you will find a better person because, your much more cautious and happy with your new activity.
so_dipped_n_love so_dipped_n_love 9 years
Ahhh....DITCH him for your sake.
Vdogg Vdogg 9 years
The fact that he's been trying EVERYTHING to get back with you, makes it seem like he feels really guilty. If it was just a brief thing he had with her during your breakup, why does he feel the need to move away, does he not trust himself with her around? & it also seems coincidental that soon after he met her, you broke up. could his motivation for breaking up been that he wanted to try being with her instead, only to realize she lacked what you had? If he's the type of guy who needs to explore other women before he commits fully to you, chances are he'll meet someone else whereever you two move.
prettyquin prettyquin 9 years
well boys??? dy r liar in nature....... but we girls should know how to give them the second change because i believe everybody deserve to have a second change but once he do the same thing well that is his lost anywayz
nessabum nessabum 9 years
he's definitely lying waaaaay too much...get rid of him!
tinyspark tinyspark 9 years
Where do we find these dudes? Sheesh. Run far far away.
schar schar 9 years
He met this girl. He decided he wanted to see if it would work out with her so he broke up with you. Once he found out that it didn't work with her, he's trying to go back to you? Don't allow yourself to be second best.
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 9 years
I'm sorry but you need to go with your first instinct. What's done its done and he betrayed your trust and lied more than once about the same thing. Breakups are very difficult but you deserve so much better and can do so much better.
LaLaLaurie06 LaLaLaurie06 9 years
ditch him!!!!!!
Jinx Jinx 9 years
Since he was willing to hold a number for a married friend, even if that was a lie to cover for himself, It's enough to question his scruples.
andaman andaman 9 years
If he really wants you back he will have to show you he can be faithful. I would like to tell you that that you need a break from this guy but I get the feeling that you still like him a lot. I think it might be a good idea to tell him to date other people and you also need to do the same. If he's so into you, he won't date or sleep with anyone for months. Unless he does that, stay away from it.
krisua krisua 9 years
Sounds like he said nothing happened only to get you back. Once you two were together again his guilty conscious told him to tell you everything and now... He might feel as he was a hero telling this obviously big thing, and you were too hurt to see that he actually was being honest. Tough situation. DearSugar is right in rebuilding a trust once it's broken. I mean, it will just never be the same, I'm so very sorry to say. If you feel you just really CANNOT forget, let him go.
hunnybunny hunnybunny 9 years
he's just saying what you want to hear and on top of that he totally believes what he's saying. because it is good for HIM now to be with you he believes in what he does and tells you. The minute he gets comfortable with you and sees that you are there for him he's going to go back and repeat what he did. my advice to you is that dont get serious with this guy. mayb its just not the right time. tell him to call you when he wants to settle down. if you do want to b involved with him dont let it become serious-at least in your head and your heart. sooooooooo many more guys around. its not easy but just get over it and moveeeeeee on.. you know you're a good gf and you need to find some1 who deserves you and not let some idiot get lucky..
katie225 katie225 9 years
as soon as i read this, the first thing that came to mind was exactly the first thing dearsugar said: once a cheater, always a cheater. you CANNOT change him, and don't you even try to. find someone who fits your lifestyle and wants (i.e., someone who values monogamy).
junebrug junebrug 9 years
I agree with everyone. Sugar is right, if he got the girl's number way back when you were together, I'd bet anything they hooked up then. He's probably realizing he had a great thing and he wants it (you) back. But moving won't change anything, you can't run from yourself. You'll be dealing with a cheater the rest of your life if you marry this guy. Run, do not walk, away from this loser.
rubialala rubialala 9 years
This is non-forgivable. Don't get back together with him. You deserve better!
Marci Marci 9 years
Run, don't walk, away from this lowlife, lying, conniving loser.
kittycat kittycat 9 years
get out before u hurt urself. how can u trust him anymore?
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